


Smells Like Teen Spirit

by faithlethalhane, Sheblet (salem112)



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: BASICALLY EVERYONE IS IN THIS FIC, Drug Use, Gen, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-03-25 12:05:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 50
Words: 85,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3809770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithlethalhane/pseuds/faithlethalhane, https://archiveofourown.org/users/salem112/pseuds/Sheblet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An Orphan Black high school AU. Follows the clones through the ups and downs of high school.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_I wanna set it off_

_I wanna set it off_

“Shit,” grunted Cosima, stirring awake at the sound of her ringtone. Glancing at her clock, which read 2 am, she rubbed a clumsy hand over her face and answered.

“What, Sarah?”

“Geez, Cos. Nice to talk to you, too.”

Cosima leaned back and closed her eyes. “Sarah. It’s two in the goddamn morning.”

“Yea? So? Don’t tell me you were sleepin’. The night’s still young!”

“The night just died of old age, actually. What do you want?” Cosima had a tendency to lose all patience at any hour before 9 am.

“Ok, ok, fine. How much money have you been makin’ at that lab?”

“The paid internship?”

“Yea. That.”

“Enough. Why?”

“As it would seem, Fee and I have gotten ourselves into a bit of… trouble.”

A loud sigh erupted from Cosima. For a moment, she considered just hanging up then and there. “Again?”

“Could you come bail us out? Please, Cos. I’ll owe you big time, swear.”

Cosima groaned loudly to show her displeasure, but got out of bed, regardless. With some regret, she pulled on a pair of jeans, phone tucked between her cheek and shoulder.

“Cos? You there?”

Cosima jammed her glasses on and dug around for a hoodie. “You are the worst friend.”

“And you’re the best! Thanks, really. I owe you one.” Click.

“Yea, we’ll see about that,” Cosima sighed into empty space. She held one shoe in her hand, but for the life of her couldn’t locate its twin.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

–

The bus was freezing, she was wearing one white shoe and one black, and the driver was giving her the eye almost the entire time, but Cosima managed to make it to the police station in one piece.

“I’m here to pick up Sarah and Felix Manning,” she told the woman at the desk. An instant later, Sarah and Felix came around the corner, escorted by an officer and louder than Cosima’s most expensive speaker system.

“Cos! You made it!” Sarah howled, throwing an arm around Cosima’s shoulders. “I tell ya what, you shoulda come. Battle of the Bands was insane!”

“You look like hell,” Felix added, and Cosima rolled her eyes.

“Let me guess,” the officer said with a smile. He pointed at Cosima, “You’re the smart one,” then at Sarah, “and you’re the wild one.”

Cosima scrunched her nose, confused. “Huh?”

“Well, you two are sisters, right? I mean, you look so much alike.”

Cosima looked at Sarah. “No we don’t.”

“So you’re not sisters?”

“God, no,” Cosima said in horror.

“Oi!” complained Sarah.

The officer just shrugged and released the siblings into Cosima’s veryhesitant care.

It took ten agonizing minutes for the next bus to arrive, and by the time it did Cosima had already considered just lying down on the bench and sleeping there.

By the time she’d made sure Sarah and Felix were home safely and walked back to her own house, it was nearing 3 am.

She climbed back through her window and threw herself face-first onto the bed.

She was gonna have to smoke a lot of weed after school tomorrow.

–

The concert was amazing, and the hangover that followed horrendous.

Sarah played dead for at least ten minutes, but Mrs. S was having none of it, so she stumbled out of bed and into the shower.

It was as she was sitting at the table nibbling on toast that Felix came up behind her.

“Oh my God,” he said. “You look like crap.”

“You’re one to talk,” Sarah said. Felix just laughed and poured himself some cereal.

“God, how can you eat? My stomach’s rollin’,” Sarah moaned.

“Well, let’s see,” Felix pretended to ponder. “For starters, I’m not a lightweight.”

“Oi! I could drink you under the-” but she stopped, because at that moment their foster mother entered the kitchen, an air of foreboding and the constant promise of an ass-whooping following in her wake. Both teens went white and submissive under her hawk-like gaze. Siobhan Sadler could smell misbehavior from a mile away.

“Not hungry, are we, chicken?” she asked Sarah, suspicion in her eyes.

“Uh, no, uh. I think I’m sick.” Sarah then proceeded to demonstrate her best puppy-dog eyes.

“You got a fever?” Mrs. S asked, looking unimpressed.

Sarah knew she couldn’t lie. Siobhan would take her temperature herself if she had to. “No. But-”

“If you don’t have a fever, then you’re goin’ to school.” Then she breezed out of the room, leaving it considerably colder than when she’d entered.

“Damn,” Sarah sighed as Felix snickered into his cereal bowl.

“What are you laughin’ at?” Sarah snapped, and whipped her uneaten toast at him. “Bastard.”

He just laughed more.


	2. Chapter 2

Alison stirred in her sleep, grumbling a little. She usually never woke up before her alarm. Light hit her eyes as someone pulled her mask up, and she bolted upright with a yell.

“Shhhh!” Beth shushed with a laugh. “You act like I’m here to axe murder you or something.”

She was sitting on the edge of the bed in the negative space Alison’s body made.

“Beth, what are you doing here?” Alison hissed. She rolled over and propped herself up onto her elbows, rubbing at her eyes.

“I really wanted to get a run in before school.” Beth twirled the sleep mask around her finger distractedly. “Cross country’s starting soon.”

“I don’t have time for that! I have to shower and eat breakfast and pack my bag and—”

Beth laughed again. “C’mon, Ali, it’s five thirty. You think I’m crazy enough to mess with your schedule?”

Giving a disapproving look, Alison sat up a little more. “You didn’t have much of a problem disrupting my  _sleep_  schedule.”

Beth shrugged, nudging her knee and giving a hopeful smile. “Please?”

Alison looked into her eyes for a long few seconds before sighing. “Fine. But if I’m not back before seven—”

“Yes, yes, I know, you’ll have my head,” Beth finished, standing and bouncing on her feet a little. “Now get dressed, I’m feeling like a 10k.”

Alison pressed her lips together in an unamused look. But with another heavy sigh she swung her feet off the bed and dropped to her feet with a thud.

“ _Shhhhh_ , Jesus, don’t wake your parents.”

“What?” Alison furrowed her brow. “How did you get in if they aren’t awake?”

“I, uhh…I used the spare key.” Beth gave her a sheepish look, pulling the key from her pocket and brandishing it.

Alison snatched it back. “I just rehid it two days ago!”

“I know and it’s fuckin’ annoying.”

Alison flinched at the curse, turning and heading for her dresser. “How do you keep finding it?”

Beth bit her lip, tilting her head. “I dunno. I kinda just…think about it. You put it places people wouldn’t think. But they’re still easy to access, y’know?”

“And you don’t want to be a detective because…?” She laughed in disbelief, pulling her tshirt over her head to replace it with an underarmor top.

Beth scrunched up her nose. “Ew. Because. No one likes cops, Ali. I wanna be a language teacher.”

“Mhm,” Alison managed, the key between her lips as she tugged on a pair of leggings. She dropped it back into her hand. “I’ve seen you handle kids. It’s not pretty.”

Beth scoffed. “Well it doesn’t have to be  _young_  kids! I could teach high school.”

Alison gave her an overly sincere nod. “Of course you could.”

“Shut up.”

Laughing, Alison approached her, getting a little into her friend’s personal space. “Just remember, you owe me.”

Beth smirked. “I’d never forget it.”

She nudged Alison’s shoulder before spinning and going for the door. “Now c’mon. We’re killin’ daylight.”

Alison followed without argument, sneaking down the stairs and out the front door. While she wasn’t the best runner, she always enjoyed going with Beth. She got fresh air and exercise and good company. And while she knew Beth could be yards ahead of her at all times, she always hung back so they were side by side the whole time.

They got home only a little before seven, but Beth seemed too smug at the fact she had kept her promise. In the kitchen, Beth sat on the counter as Alison cooked, protesting all the way.

“C’mon, Ali, cereal’s fine.”

Alison shook her head, moving the eggs around on the pan. “No. Six miles is no joke. You’re getting protein and carbs into your system because you are _not_  starving on my watch.”

Beth rolled her eyes and took a sip of her cranberry juice.

“Well look who it is, the girl always attached to my daughter’s hip.”

They both glanced up at the sound of the voice. Beth gave a smile and a wave. “Hey! G’morning!”

Alison’s mother gave a tired wave in return. “Alison, sweetheart, when are you going to be home tonight? I need to know when to make dinner.”

“I’m not going to be home until late, mother,” Alison said curtly. “I’m babysitting. It’s on the calendar.”

“Right…”

All three jumped when Alison’s phone buzzed on the counter. She looked at it, puzzled, but didn’t move away from the stove. “Beth…?”

“Yeah, I got it.”

Beth stretched and grabbed it, swinging her legs off the edge of the counter as she read. “It’s Mrs. S. She asked if we could walk Sarah to school.”

Alison checked her watch. “I, that’s not, I didn’t account for—”

“Breathe,” Beth laughed gently. “I know it’s a long way but we can totally make it. Just…go shower and I’ll finish this up, okay?”

“Yeah…” Alison relaxed a little, smiling. “Thanks.”

“Oh, no problem,” Beth said casually, scooting off the counter and walking over. “Now get.”

Alison reached out and touched Beth’s shoulder as she passed, letting her fingers drag along it until she couldn’t reach anymore.

Beth smiled to herself, picking up the spatula and stirring the eggs some more, grinning even wider at the sound of a muffled  _The Winner Takes it All_ that came from upstairs.

Her mother sat down at the counter, putting her head in her hands. “I swear I’ll go mad if she keeps blasting her music to shower.”

“I think it’s cute.”

Ten minutes and quite a few belted notes later, Alison came running downstairs, dressed, backpack on, ruffling her hair with a towel.

“It’ll have to do,” she muttered.

“You look great.” Beth laughed at the look she received and tossed her a to-go container. “C’mon we can walk and eat.”

They donned their coats and walked out the door, heading in the direction of Sarah’s house. The silence between them was comfortable as they ate, Beth glancing at Alison every so often.

“So… _Mamma Mia,_  huh?”

Alison looked over at her before quickly looking away.

"Yes.”

“That doesn’t have anything to do with the theatre department releasing the name of the musical they’re doing, does it?”

Alison scoffed. “No.”

She kept eating to try and ignore Beth, but she finished, and, frowning into her empty container, she once again looked over. Beth raised her eyebrows.

“Maybe.”

They walked in silence for a few minutes.

“I think you should go for it.”

“I…” Alison blinked. “Really?”

Beth shoved her hands deeper into her pockets, her shoulders rising up in a slightly timid posture. “Yeah. You’re…you’re really good.”

Alison swallowed, tightening her jaw. “Acting is fine, but I…I get nervous about singing.”

“You shouldn’t. It sounds awesome.” Her eyes stayed glued with her feet.

“Aren’t you a little biased?”

Beth took the opportunity to brush it off casually. “Nah.” She kicked a rock. “Cosima’s taught me to speak facts.”

Alison sighed. “I find that hard to believe.”

They reached Sarah’s house before she could press further, though. Felix was waiting by the front door, his face lighting up at the sight of the pair. “Oi! Alison!” he exclaimed. “Hi!”

Alison beamed back. “Hi, Felix!”

“What am I, chopped liver?” Beth muttered, managing to keep a scowl off her face.

Felix stuck out his tongue. “Alison’s nicer.”

Beth swatted at him and he dodged with a smirk.

“Felix,” Alison said sternly.

His smile vanished at her tone. “Wha?”

“Come here.”

Hesitantly, he took a few steps closer.

“Breathe.”

“I…” One more moment’s hesitation and he sighed; Alison scrunched up her nose. “Go back upstairs. Your breath still smells like alcohol.”

“Alison—”

“Go!” she said, pointing back for the front door.

He started to go and she caught his arm. “And do not think this means I approve. You need to stop following Sarah’s example.”

“Let him run his own bloody life, yeah?” Sarah muttered as she shoved past them.

Alison straightened her back, her glare hard. She released Felix and he ran back inside. “I see the concert turned into an after party.”

Sarah shrugged. “Where’s the fun ‘f there wasn’t?” She glanced down the stairs. “Hey, Childs.”

Beth nodded at her. “‘Sup, Manning?”

“Oh, y’know, escapin’ one mother only to be passed off to another one.”

Alison huffed. “I only want what’s best for you—”

Sarah laughed, walking down the two steps. “Get that from the bloody mom handbook, did ya?”

“Alright, chill,” Beth cut in.

At that, Sarah blinked. Then she smirked a little, but didn’t say anything else. Felix came back and they all headed off, Alison and Felix walking in front, chatting about anything and everything. Beth and Sarah walked quietly behind.

“Better watch that boner of yours, Childs.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Beth snapped. “Why don’t you try minding your own business?”

“‘Cause have you met Alison? It’ll be your business. An’ then it’ll be _everyone’s_  bloody business.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “Yeah, okay.”

“She’s my best friend.”

“Mhm,” Sarah said distractedly. “Sure.”

Beth shoved her, and Sarah laughed before shoving her back. “Better watch who ya tussle with.”

“I can handle your shit, Manning. And you know it.”

But that had to be the end of their conversation as Alison waved Felix off as they passed the middle school.

“What’re you guys talking about?” she asked as she sank back to fall in line with them.

Beth looked at Sarah, who answered with a simple, “School shit.”

Alison turned to Beth for confirmation, who managed to conjure up a believable smile. “School shit,” she repeated.

And of course Alison went full speed into talking about all her classes, giving the three of them more than enough to talk about the rest of the way to the school.


	3. Chapter 3

Helena liked mornings most.

She stretched, yawning widely. She glanced at her clock and was pleased to find that she’d awoken before her alarm again.

She hadn’t needed an alarm since elementary school, but she still set one, just in case. She liked to sit and watch the numbers tick by until the alarm was set to sound, then try to turn it off before it had the chance.

It tested her reflexes. Made her feel in control.

It was a fresh day, one where her bruises were healing and Tomas didn’t have a reason to be angry with her… yet. He sat in front of the tv, eyes glazed, beer in hand. He didn’t look up when she passed, and she liked it that way. Better he didn’t acknowledge her existence, rather than curse it.

She couldn’t find any appetizing breakfast food in the kitchen, so she ate two cups of jell-o instead. Good enough, she thought.

She packed her bag, hiding her stash in a pencil case. She hoped she’d make some cash after school. Maybe Cosima would want to buy. The overachiever was Helena’s best customer.

“Okay, Tomas, I am leaving,” she called. Her foster father did not reply, eyes remaining glued to the tv. He raised the beer bottle to his lips, but otherwise didn’t move.

Helena didn’t mind, though. In fact, she was grateful.

At least he wasn’t screaming at her.

–

High school students are like sheep, Helena thought to herself as she and her skateboard arrived on the school’s grounds. They all come to the same place, following each other in herds.

Always following. Never living.

How sad.

Helena then paused in her tracks, catching sight of her across the lawn.

Sarah Manning.

Helena never could figure out what it was about Sarah Manning that she liked so much. All she knew was that she was drawn to the other girl, felt a warmth whenever she saw her.

How unfortunate it was that Sarah did not feel the same.

Helena’s heart gave a particularly painful throb, so she popped a few painkillers and hoped they’d get her through the day.

–

Lunch time was a constant chaos of buzzing activity and excited voices.

It didn’t help Cosima’s headache one bit.

“Oh my,” said Alison as she and Beth arrived at the usual table, trays in hand. “You don’t look well.”

“Yea well, I’d probably look better if someone didn’t call me at 2 am to come rescue her and her brother from the police station,” snarled Cosima, glaring at an approaching Sarah.

“No,” moaned Alison.

“Again?” said Beth, sounding surprised.

“Yep,” said Cosima, picking at her fries.

“Sarah,” said Alison unhappily as Sarah took her seat. “You didn’t tell me you were arrested!”

“Uuuuugh,” moaned Sarah. She gave Cosima a look of distress. “Why’d you have to go and tattle on me?”

“You deserve it,” said Cosima unhappily.

“You’re leading Felix down the wrong path,” Alison went on, but Sarah had stopped listening, focusing instead on the greasy excuse for a burger currently inhabiting her tray.

Hangover food.

“Hello, Sarah,” said a low voice, and Sarah turned around to see wild blonde hair and bloodshot eyes and a tray towering with so much food it threatened to buckle.

“Helena, for God’s sake,” Sarah groaned, “can you quit stalking me?”

“Just thought I would say hello,” said Helena with a dreamy smile, before walking off to join the other burnouts at their usual table.

“Man, do you have to be so mean to her?” asked Beth.

“Sorry, did you not know that she’s fuckin’ nuts? She almost killed someone a’ her las’ school. Crazy Russian bitch.”

“I thought she was Ukrainian?” Cosima inquired.

“Wha’ever,” grunted Sarah. “Eiver way, she’s had a thing for me ever since she moved here. She creeps me out.”

Cosima got up suddenly.

“Where’re you goin’?” asked Beth casually, spraying food everywhere. Alison huffed in disgust, chasing the food particles with a napkin.

“Well, after last night’s little… adventure, I need some relaxation, if you know what I mean,” said Cosima with a grin.

“Must you?” sighed Alison in disapproval.

“Hey, don’t judge me! I’ve been at the top of the class since freshman year. I think I’m allowed a little fun every now and then, don’t you?” She pulled out her wallet and started rifling through bills.

The mention of Cosima’s class status shut Alison up quickly. She’d always been jealous of the way Cosima could be number one in the class without even trying while Alison studied for hours a day only to come in second every time.

“But do you have to buy from her?” demanded Sarah. “You’re encouraging her to hang around us.”

“Sorry, dude. Helena’s got the good shit.” And then, Cosima was gone.

“Oh,” said Sarah suddenly, looking at Beth. “You wanna come over tonigh’, play some Call of Duty?”

“Sure,” said Beth.

“Wait just a minute,” said Alison, and Beth’s eyes went wide, a classic look of “shit-I-forgot-something-important” on her face. “You said you’d come with me to babysit tonight! The kids love you. They think you’re fun.”

“Oh, shit. That’s right. Sorry, Sarah,” said Beth with a wince.

Sarah just grinned and made a whipping noise.

Beth restrained herself from leaping over the table, settling instead for throwing a fry. Sarah just chuckled.

Bitch.

 


	4. Chapter 4

_Sarah?_

_…_

_Sarah._

_…_

_Sarah!_

“Wha’?”

Sarah jerked her head off the desk, grimacing and squeezing her eyes shut to fight the head rush.

“Have you returned to our plain of existence?”

Blinking a few times, Sarah finally saw her teacher clearly. “Oh, uhh, yeah. Sorry.”

Cosima snickered and bit her lip; Sarah shot a glare her way along with kicking the leg of her friend’s desk. “Shu'up you.”

Putting on her best serious face, Cosima nodded once before another little laugh escaped. “Now you know how I feel,” she shot back.

“Fine,” Sarah sighed. “I’m  _sorry_ , yeah? I just…I can’t afford another blow up with S.”

Cosima, solemn for real, paused before nodding even less than before. “I know, Sarah. And if it mattered that much I wouldn’t have gone.”

Sarah kept her eyes down on her desk, playing with the edge of her notebook. “So…we cool?”

She hesitantly glanced over, trying to hide her hope. Cosima blanked for a second before giving a toothy grin. “Yeah, totes.”

A relieved smile tugged at Sarah’s lips before she turned her head to hide it, letting her hair fall over her face until class ended.

…

French was chaos as usual, but Cosima found herself falling asleep, even in practicing speaking with her partner. Her gaze kept wandering to Beth and Paul as they ad-libbed in French, waving their hands and laughing at how bad Paul was at it. Beth was just a natural at any language she took, though, her sentences rolling in perfect tandem, without hesitation or even _thought_  it seemed.

She blinked when the teacher clapped her hands, and the room settled back down into quiet.

“As all of you know, those who signed up for the summer trip to France will be getting their exchange student assigned to them today. Come up after class to get the name and address.”

Cosima slumped down in her seat, itching to grab her newly purchased smoke from her locker. She had only signed up for the program because Beth had made her. Something about not wanting to go to France alone. Though now she was reconsidering.

The bell rang and they all stood. Cosima made sure to be last in line. The teacher handed her a notecard and she took it hesitantly. “I, uhh…I actually wanted to talk to you about this,” she offered lamely.

“What about?”

“Well…” she tilted her head to the side a little, pressing her lips together in a pained expression. “I kinda wanted to know if I could…back out.”

“Do you not want to go to France?”

“Oh, no, I totes do. Obvs. But I dunno how I feel about a stranger following me around for a month. Staying in my house…All that stuff.”

“So…you’re saying you want to go to France, stay in this girl’s house for a month in the summer, but…you don’t want to extend that courtesy to her?”

“I…Jesus,” she breathed, throwing her hands up. “When you put it like that you make me sound like a bitch.”

“I was only clarifying.”

“Yeah, yeah, save it.”

“Are you nervous?”

“What?” Cosima scoffed. “No.”

“Because you’re a wonderful student, Cosima. There’s a  _reason_  you’re in AP French. You didn’t just stumble here.”

“Yeah, but I’m not, like, y'know, the best.”

Not like Beth.

“You have the highest grade in the class, I’m not sure I understand—”

Cosima shook her head, waving her hand dejectedly. “Nothing, it’s nothing. Thanks for givin’ me a hard dose of reality. I’ll be the best frickin’ hostess there is.”

She exited before she had to delve into any further issues, slipping her backpack on and heading for her next class.

…

At the end of the day, they all found themselves converging outside the main entrance. They grouped in a circle, catching up on the few classes they didn’t have with each other. Alison reached out, flicking Cosima’s ponytail. “Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?” she complained. “You’d look so good.”

Cosima shook her head, pushing her glasses up. “You may find this hard to believe Alison, but some people don’t make looking good a priority. I go for pragmatism.”

Sarah grinned. “aka ‘throw it up and hope no one notices I haven’t showered in a week.’ Innat right?”

Rolling her eyes, Cosima sighed. “Speak for yourself, Sarah, you smell awful.”

Alison nodded her agreement. “Like cigarettes, sweat, and stale alcohol.”

“You didn’t need to bloody specify!” Sarah barked

Beth tried to contain her laugh. “She can’t help it, Sarah. She has a compulsion to categorize.”

“I do not have a  _compulsion_ ,” Alison protested.

“Ohhhh, trouble in paradise?” Sarah teased.

Alison just gave her a look. “What are you talking about?”

“Nothing,” Beth said through her teeth, jabbing Sarah in the ribs. “She’s just being a dipshit.”

Cosima looked at all of them. “I must be missing something.”

“Hey look, it’s the clone club,” the soccer team called.

They all stopped talking to abruptly look at the interruption.

“Piss off!” Sarah shouted over her shoulder, flicking them off as they passed.

Once they were out of sight, the girls turned back to each other.

“Why do they call us that?” Cosima asked with a frown.

“I…” Alison’s eyes flicked between each of their faces. “I guess we look…kind of similar?” she tried, throwing a vague hand up before putting it to her neck.

“Yeah,” Sarah laughed. “We all got two eyes an’ a nose. That’s where the similarities stop.”

“I dunno,” Beth said, shrugging a little. “I mean we all have brown hair and hazel eyes—”

“Ninety percent of the population has brown or hazel eyes,” Cosima cut it, “That’s hardly a staggering minority.”

“Thank you, Wikipedia,” Sarah muttered.

“We’re all the same height,” Alison offered.

“That’s all you can come up with?”

“Well, Sarah, if you’re so cocky, why don’t you give us an explanation.”

“I don’t bloody know!” Sarah laughed. “That’s the point. We’ve got  _nothin_ in common.” She looked between them. “We got the girl with glasses who dressed like a bloody hippy—”

“Hey!”

“We have the uptight overly mature girl with a horrendous love of the color pink—”

“Excuse me—”

“The plain Jane with a wardrobe consisting solely of ten t-shirts of all different colors and jeans.”

Beth nodded. “Yeah, that’s fair.”

“And I’m the reject who dresses like—”

“A ho?”

Sarah’s jaw fell open. “Please, Hendrix, say that again. I bloody dare you—”

Beth put a hand to the flat part of Sarah’s chest, pushing her back. “Hey, back off—”

“She bloody started it!” Sarah’s volume was rising. “Why the hell am  _I_ supposed to back the fuck off—”

“I didn’t start it, Sarah,  _you’re_  the one insulting us.” Alison put her hand to her jaw. “Just because you had a less than stellar night last night does  _not_ give you a right to throw it on us—”

“Uhh…I hate to break up this love fest, but I have to go,” Cosima said, putting her hands forward to draw their attention. “I don’t wanna be late to my internship. See you guys Friday? We still good for movie marathoning, right?”

A chorus of 'yeah’s met her and she grinned. “Sick. Don’t kill each other before then, okay?”

She waved and turned, the three of them looking between each other.

“I’m goin’ home,” Sarah muttered. “See you bitches tomorrow.”

She stuck her hands in her pockets and left, dodging a girl running the other direction.

“Ali! Ali you’re gonna be late to tech rehearsal if you don’t hurry up!”

“Yes, Aynsley, thanks,” Alison started, but the blonde was already tugging her in the other direction.

“Sorry Beth, you don’t mind if I steal her, do you? No? Okay!”

Beth tried her best to look not stunned, but kind of failed. She waved half-heartedly at her friend being dragged away. “I’ll pick you up at six!” she called out.

She saw Alison give a thumbs up before being dragged around the corner. She couldn’t help but chuckle a little as she zipped up her coat.

…

Sarah opened her front door and practically ran for the stairs, trying to avoid Mrs. S at all costs. She succeeded too, until she found her guitar missing from its stand in her room.

“ _Siobhan!”_  she shouted angrily. “Where in the  _hell_  is it?”

Mrs. S came casually around the corner, leaning in the doorframe. “I dunno, love. Where did all your truthfulness go? Maybe you should try looking for them in the same place.”

“Don’t be cute with me I just want my guitar—”

“And I just want the truth so maybe we can both work somethin’ out, now can’t we?”

“Y'make it sound like I made a deal with the devil, Siobhan. Jesus bloody Christ can’t ya just let it go?”

“Let what go? I thought you just had a concert last night.”

“We  _did_!”

“Do you take me for an idiot, Sarah?” Mrs S asked, raising her eyebrows.

“I dunno if you want me answerin’ that—”

“You and your smart mouth better shut up and sit down because you’re not goin’ anywhere for a long time,” she said calmly, slipping out of the doorway with an icy glare.

“Siobhan—”

But the door already slammed in her face. Sarah groaned, flopping down on her bed and chucking her pillow across the room. It was going to be a long night.


	5. Chapter 5

Rehearsal was exhausting, but worth it, and as Alison left the auditorium she felt exhilarated.

She paused upon leaving the building, however, when she saw a fluffy blonde head of hair out of the corner of her eye. Sure enough, there was Helena, doing little tricks off the curb of the parking lot with her skateboard.

Alison put a hand to her throat, thinking. Then, when she finally came to her decision, she began to walk forward. “Helena,” she called briskly, and Helena, distracted, messed up her trick, sending the board flying.

“Oh my,” said Alison. “Sorry.”

“Eet’s not a problem,” said Helena calmly. “Vhat can I do for you?”

“Well,” said Alison, hand coming up to grab her cross necklace. “You sell… pills, right? I just… I need something to calm me down on occasion. Do you have something like that?”

Helena smiled. “Nervous about the play, are ve?” she teased lightly.

“Of course not,” snapped Alison, offended.

“I have something,” Helena said, and she walked over to where a ratty backpack lay on the curb. She began rifling through its contents.

“I’d also like to… apologize for the way Sarah spoke to you earlier,” Alison went on. Helena paused for a moment, but then continued to dig as if Alison hadn’t spoken at all. “She can be a little, well, harsh. But she doesn’t mean it, honestly.”

“Eet’s… all right,” sighed Helena. “I understand. I make her uncomfortable.”

Alison didn’t know what to say to that, so she settled for not saying anything. After what seemed like an eternity, Helena retrieved a pencil case, and opened it to pull out a bottle of pills that sounded like it was only half full.

“Here you are,” she offered, handing the bottle over. “Thees vill relax you, vithout… inhibiting you too much.”

“Wonderful,” sighed Alison. “How much?”

“Thees vun is on the house.” Helena gave her a cracked smile.

“Oh no, I couldn’t possibly-”

“Really,” insisted Helena. “First vun’s free.”

“Thank you,” breathed Alison, stunned. Helena just nodded, then went to retrieve her fallen skateboard.

“Um, Helena?” called Alison. Helena looked up, board in hand.

“Why aren’t you at home?”

Helena gave her another one of those painful broken glass smiles. “Eet’s nicer here,” she said, and before Alison could ask what she meant, she was back to her tricks.

–

Sarah turned her stereo up as loud as it would go, playing The Clash. If she couldn’t play her own guitar, she’d listen to someone else.

The door to her bedroom opened, and she looked up, preparing for another shouting match. But instead of Mrs. S, she saw the tousled black hair of her brother.

He went to her stereo and turned down the volume without her having to tell him, then came to sit beside her. They were both quiet for a while, but then Sarah spoke.

“Sorry I’m such a fuck up, Fee,” she mumbled dejectedly as he put his head on her shoulder.

“Tha’s all righ’,” he said. “It’s more fun for me tha’ way.”

She laughed and pushed his head away. “You lil shi’,” she said, and he giggled, head instantly returning to the dip in her neck.

They didn’t say I love you. They didn’t have to.

–

Most people would have found the internship boring, but Cosima enjoyed it. She liked running around doing menial tasks for people. It kept her busy. And, sometimes, they even let her look through the microscopes and give her opinion on their research.

By the time she got home she was exhausted, but her mother didn’t seem to notice.

“Hi sweetie,” the woman called. “You hungry?”

“Nope,” said Cosima, tossing her backpack to the floor. “I found out who my exchange student will be.”

“That’s great! We have the guest room all set up. What’s their name?”

“Uhhh,” Cosima dug out the card. “Delphine. Delphine Cormier.”

“That’s such a pretty name! When will she be arriving?”

“Next week. I’m gonna go hang out in the basement, play some video games.”

“Sure, sweetie,” said her mom, running a hand over her daughter’s head as she passed. “Have fun.”

When Cosima entered the basement, however, she walked directly past the TV and headed for the couch. Digging in her backpack, she procured the weed she’d bought from Helena.

She then sat back, relaxed, and lit up.


	6. Chapter 6

Beth threw a tennis ball at the ground, watching it bounce up and against the wall and back at her. She caught it and threw it again, her face solemn. She wasn’t actually watching what she was doing, her eyes unable to focus on anything at all. She just kept throwing the ball harder and harder until she lost control of it, the ball bouncing across the sidewalk and out of her reach.

She stared at it, but her body felt numb. Like even if she  _wanted_  to get up and get it, she wouldn’t be able. She sighed, relaxing her weight a little more against the planter behind her. That felt like her whole life. She should be worrying about college applications. Worried about acceptances. Well she had to send in applications before she could worry about acceptances, but she found herself unable to care. In fact she didn’t think about anything much anymore.

Running, Alison, trying to go to sleep without crying. Those were her main concerns and the only things she could even bear to waste breath on.

Most of her wanted to get up and run for twenty more miles but her muscles told her not today. No matter how much she wanted to, she didn’t want to overdo it at the same time. And with her morning run and with cross-country practice, she was sure it would be too much.

“Childs, what’re you still doing here?”

Beth looked up to see Art walking toward her. She shrugged apathetically and looked back at the wall. “I’d have done the same thing if I went home. And I gotta drive Ali somewhere, so…less trips.”

He stepped a little closer. “So why in the hell are you outside? It’s freezing and you don’t even have a jacket.”

“What are you, my mother?” she muttered, tracing the cement lines between the bricks with her gaze.

“Someone’s gotta look out for you.”

He slipped is bag off his shoulder and sat down beside her. She didn’t look at him, but rolled her shoulders a little.

“I can do it myself, dipshit,” she said flatly. “I have a jacket.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Where is it?”

“In my locker.” She looked down at her knees. “I didn’t want to walk that far to get it.”

_You’re such a lazy ass, Childs. Maybe you_ should _run some more._

“C'mon, let’s go sit inside.”

She pulled a little away from him when he reached for her arm. “No,” she said, a little too quickly.

He looked shocked for a moment before the expression vanished, and she stiffened her neck before forcing herself to keep looking at him. “But thank you.”

She tried to ignore how foreign the words felt on her tongue. How  _stale_.

But she was surprised when Art didn’t get up. She had expected him to throw some lame excuse at her and run. But after looking at her a few moments longer, he settled against the planter, crossing his arms and sitting with her as darkness started to fall.

…

Sarah whined into her mattress. “Fee I wanna play somethin’. There’s a bloody tune in my head and I can’t get it out.”

Felix looked up from his homework, blowing his bangs out of his eyes. “Well don’t touch my drums, bitch, or S’ll take ‘em away too.”

Groaning again, Sarah rolled onto her back. “If she just minded her own bloody business we wouldn’t have any problems.”

When she received no answer, she lifted her head to find Felix buried in his book.

“Wha’?”

“Nothin’.”

“Don’t do that, Fee, what were ya thinkin’?”

“I…I just…” He shook his head. “Mabe if she minded her own bloody business you’d be dead already.”

“Not you too,” she groaned. “C'mon she’s way too intrusive and—”

Her phone buzzed.

She sighed and read the text. When she didn’t finish her sentence, Felix glanced up. “Ooooh, who is it?” he teased.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she grumbled.

“There’s only two things that can shut you up, Sarah, and that’s food and cute guys.” His eyebrows twitched up as he smirked.

“Shove off.”

“Well? Who is it?”

“No one, idiot. You’re not as smart as ya think.”

“It’s Paul.”

Sarah sat upright. “Did you read my texts?”

He smiled down at his book. “So it  _is,_  then?”

“You listen here you lit'l shit do  _not_  touch my phone—”

It buzzed again and she sighed, reading the message. They sat in silence, Felix pretending to read and Sarah trying to work up the nerve to speak.

“Hey Felix?” she asked.

“Hmmmm?”

“Can ya maybe…cover for me?”

His eyes snapped up.

“No.”

“Wha’?”

“No. You’re not sneaking out again, Sarah, I swear to God if S catches me—”

“Lie to her. Tell her I went to see Alison or some shit I don’t care just… _lie_.”

She hopped up and grabbed her leather jacket, Felix standing and following her to her window. “Sarah,  _no_ ,” he protested.

She stopped, one leg out the window, to look back at him. “Won’t be long,” she assured before ducking her head under the window and climbed onto the nearby tree. Felix huffed, closing his eyes and fighting his frustration.

Sisters.

…

Alison wanted to throw her phone. She hated nights when Cosima would get high because all she did was  _text her nonstop._  And after ten minutes of her phone constantly buzzing in the corner, she was about to rip someone’s head off.

There was a moment of silence, and she was about to breathe a sigh of relief when it went off again. She stood with a huff, storming over and picking up the phone, dialing Cosima’s number.

_“_ Hullo?”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Cosima you need to  _stop_  texting me—”

She was cut off with Cosima’s giggles. “I was wondering how long it’d take you to give up and call.”

“ _Why_? Why are you thinking about torturing  _me_  while you’re high?!” Alison asked in frustration, her voice rising in pitch.

Cosima laughed again, throwing her head back and taking another hit. “I was wondering if I was missing something  _not_  torturing you. I mean Sarah totes has a kick doing it. Figured I’d give it a shot—”

“Cosima it’s  _every_  time you’re high. You  _always_  text me when it’s late and I am busy and you are high as a goddamn kite—”

“You don’t judge like they do.”

That stunned Alison into silence for a moment.

“People would say I judge Sarah for her…rebellious ways.”

“Yeah well people aren’t smart like me, dumbass. You do that 'cause you hope judging her will make her stop.”

Alison frowned. “Are you sure you’re high?”

“Not high enough, obvs,” Cosima muttered, exhaling smoke through her nose. “You should join me some time.’  
” _No_!“ Alison almost shouted. "I will not be participating in such… _activities_.”

Cosima tried not to roll her eyes. “Fine. But you’re missing out.”

They fell silent for a long while, Cosima smoking and Alison trying to figure something out in her head.

“What do you not want to be judged about?”

Cosima paused mid-draw, causing her to cough. “Nothing.”

“Of course there is why would you have said that early if—”

“No, no, no,” Cosima cut it, “I mean…I guess…I just need someone sometimes. I just…need someone around who I know isn’t going to judge me even if there’s nothing to be…judged about.”

Alison turned the words over in her head, only to hear Cosima laugh once again.

“Wow that sentence way got away from me. Maybe I  _am_  high enough.”

Alison sighed. “Promise me you won’t go anywhere.”

“I promise, mum.”

“Alright. I have to go. Beth’s going to be here in a few minutes.”

Cosima nodded even though Alison couldn’t see, tilting her head back as she inhaled deeply. “Yeah, of course. Have fun. Make lots of money.”

“Bye, Cosima.”

…

After Art left, Beth resorted to running laps around the high school. Fast laps. Until her lungs were burning and her face hurt and her legs felt like they were going to break on her. And, after a few minutes of lying on a bench collecting her breath, she stood, sticking her hands into her pockets and starting toward the parking lot. She was surprised to see Helena walking the other way, toward her, skateboard under her arm, a lit joint hanging out of her mouth. A part of her considered completely ignoring the girl, but before she could stop herself, she waved.

She expected Helena to keep walking but at the gesture, the girl’s walk slowed from a brisk walk to a hesitant step to completely stopping in front of her. Beth stopped too, for it seemed the right thing to do.

“Hello.” Helena said, though she did not smile.

Beth tried to ignore that fact.

“Pryvit! Yak ty pozhyvayesh?” She cleared her throat, smiling shyly and running her fingers through her hair.

Helena blinked at her, staring much harder than was normally socially acceptable.

Beth shifted her weight. “Sorry…if that wasn’t right. I, uhh, I only just started learning.”

The blonde tilted her head. “It vas correct.”

She continued to look straight at Beth, taking in her appearance from head to toe. Beth tried not to look too uncomfortable, but she had to break the silence. “Aren't…aren’t you worried about getting caught?” she asked, hesitantly pointing to the joint.

Helena looked around them at the deserted high school property. “No.” She took it out of her mouth, though.

“Why?”

“I wouldn't…want you getting in trouble, that’s all.” She wouldn’t want her getting in trouble and taking Cosima down with her.

“No,” Helena shook her head, her brow furrowing. “Not why for that.”

“I'm…I’m not sure I understand.” Beth offered an unsure apologetic smile.

“Why vould you try speaking Ukrainian?”

“Oh.” Beth bit her lip. “It's…polite? And I uhh…I like practicing.”

Helena was silent for a long time, but her stare never broke from Beth’s face. “I am worth being polite to?”

The words threw Beth. “What?” She hadn’t meant to say it out loud. But Helena had already moved on. She lifted up her finger to poke Beth’s cheek; Beth held her breath, trying not to wince at how close the joint was to her nose.

“Uhh…yeah. Wind burn.”

Off her confused look, Beth tried to explain. “Wind can be really…harsh to skin. So if it’s cold and…and you’re moving really fast it can…scratch you a little. Well not really but…kind of.”

“Oh.”

“You got it too,” she said, “from your skateboarding.”

She reached out to touch Helena’s cheek, but the moment she did, the girl jerked away.

Beth yanked her hand away. “Shit, sorry, I uhh—”

“I do?” Helena asked, like nothing had happened, pressing her own hand to her cheek. “Eets hot.”

Beth nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s what happens." She glanced at her phone, her eyes widening. "Shit!” She looked back up to meet Helena’s gaze. “Sorry, but I uhh, I really gotta go. I’m late and  _shit_  she’s gonna kill me.”

She turned and started to walk away before she stopped, looking back over her shoulder. “Bye,” she offered hesitantly. “It was…nice talking to you.”

Helena waved a little. “Do you know that in Ukrainian?”

Beth’s footsteps faltered. “N-no.”

Helena smiled. “Bulo prīєmno z vamī pospіlkuvatīsi͡a.”

“I…thank you.” She found herself smiling.

Helena just nodded. “Goodbye.”

“Yeah, bye,” Beth remembered, repeating the phrase to herself as she continued to her car.


	7. Chapter 7

“You’re late,” huffed Alison. “I can’t be late, Beth, then I’ll seem unreliable!”

“Oh my God,” laughed Beth, who, in Alison’s whirlwind of a presence, was beginning to feel somewhat close to “normal” again. “Chill. I will get us there on time.”

“You had better,” grumbled Alison as they walked to the parking lot.

“Oh yea?” Beth challenged. “Is that a threat?”

“It very well might be.”

Beth just smiled as she got into the car, Alison sliding delicately into the passenger seat. The ride was quiet, but comfortable, and Beth could almost pretend she wasn’t imagining what it would be like to just keep driving and never look back.

Alison hummed lightly to the tune of the song playing on the radio (which was amusing, considering it was “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks) and looked out the window, hand on her face.

“What’re you thinkin’ about?” Beth finally asked.

“Hm? Oh, nothing.”

“Is it the musical thing again? Because I told you you have a super awesome voice.”

“I don’t.”

“You do!”

“Beth,” Alison warned.

“C’mon, sing along to this,” Beth insisted, turning up the volume on her radio. “I know you know the words.”

“No-”

“C’mon! I’ll sing with you. ‘I’m a bitch, I’m a loverrr…’”

Alison giggled, but Beth didn’t stop, singing as loudly and as off-key as possible until slowly, surely, Alison joined in.

By the time they pulled up to the house, Alison was belting the lyrics, and Beth felt heat rush to her face at how good she was.

“Wow, look at that,” teased Beth when the moment was over. “We made it with minutes to spare. Amazing.”

“Don’t gloat, Elizabeth,” sighed Alison. “Arrogance doesn’t look good on you.”

“There’s just no pleasing you, is there?!”

Alison paused, looking thoughtful, then smiled. “No.”

Beth rolled her eyes.

–

Cosima stared at her phone.

Text Alison?

No. She’ll just yell at you.

… Text Alison.

No. You shouldn’t.

She sighed loudly and flopped onto the couch so heavily that dust particles were shot into the air. She stared, dazed, at the rotating ceiling fan. If she stared long enough her vision would blur and it would look like the fan wasn’t even there at all.

Duuuude.

She considered taking a nap, except now she was hungry. With a frustrated groan, Cosima flung herself off the couch and headed back upstairs.

“What are you up to?” called her father from the living room as she reached towards the potato chips on top of the fridge.

“I’m doing drugs,” Cosima called back.

“I’m sure you are,” laughed her father, shaking his head. “Smartass.”

Cosima shoved three chips into her mouth.

Parents.

–

“Oi, Paul,” Sarah called, and Paul turned. His lips turned up slightly in the most Paul-like attempt at a smile.

“Hey, you,” he said softly, grabbing her by the waist.

“Oh, Paul,” said Sarah, “you shoul’n’t look a’ me like tha’. People will talk.”

“Yea?” he asked, but didn’t give her time to answer as he pulled her roughly closer and smashed his lips to hers.

They were both angry.

They found a release in each other.

–

Cosima studied the note card in her hand.

Delphine Cormier.

Would she be cool? Or maybe she’d be pretty? Cosima imagined all the ways the girl could look. Hell, if she was gonna live with this person for a month she might as well hope for some eye candy.

She fell asleep on the couch, covered in crumbs with the name of a stranger on her lips.

–

Beth finished cleaning the kitchen after dinner and walked into the living room to a surprisingly sweet scene.

Alison was sprawled on the couch, the little girl they were babysitting cuddled against her side. Here, in this moment, Beth could look at Alison fully while she was still, rather than flitting about.

She truly was beautiful, Beth thought. But then, Sarah’s rough voice entered her mind.

Better watch that boner, Childs.

She snapped out of it, backing away to sit in the armchair.

Alison was her best friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

Right?

In the time it took the parents to return, Beth simply sat in the quiet darkness, hoping the silence of the room would overpower the silence in her head. When they did arrive, she roused a groggy Alison, letting the other girl lean most of her weight on her.

“C’mon, Ali, time to go home.”

“Don’…. wanna. Wanna stay…. with you.”

Beth pretended not to hear.


	8. Chapter 8

Cosima awoke groggily on the wrong side of her bed, still in her clothes from the night before. She sighed, pushing herself up with some difficulty. At least she hadn’t forgot to take off her glasses. She fumbled around for them, pushing them up her nose and blinking to see everything. The clock read 6 am and she grimaced. Way too early for this shit. She was about to roll over and go back to sleep when she saw her phone blinking. Brow furrowing, she reached for it.

Voicemail? What? People still used voicemail?

She dialed the number, and after a few attempts at guessing her passcode, she got it right, throwing the phone down after putting it on speaker. She closed her eyes and relaxed, listening as a pause followed.

_Allo? Is…is this Co…Cosima?_

Cosima’s eyes snapped open. The thick accent was unmistakably French, the English words clearly unpracticed, but still fairly correct.

_I, euh, I was given your number. Et, et I was just…wondering about a few things of your…city. I know I could simplement…look up the weather but I supposed that you would know things better, oui? You, euh, you live there afterall, n'est-ce pas? I-merde, euh, this is Delphine. Did I say that? Putain de merde._

Cosima heard a huff and a sigh.

_Je m'excuse. I am terribly sorry. I call and I do not even give my name and I…I have just realized it’s three in the morning there. Je pense…Merde. I promise I am not this…this…scatterminded. Non, ce n'est pas correcte…I am just nervous. Alors…I will try back later…Salut._

The phone clicked off, and Cosima realized she was smiling. Grinning, actually. That might have been the cutest message she’d ever gotten. Seeing as she’d only probably gotten messages from her mother, that didn’t mean much, but still. She tried to swallow her grin only to have it come back. Who was this girl?

She finally fell back to sleep trying to figure out exactly what she’d show her when the time came to be the tour guide.

Oh, and prayers. There were some definite prayers in there to a God she didn’t exactly believe it. Except…

Please God let her be cute.

…

Sarah rolled in her sleep, but instead fell of the couch, smacking her head on the coffee table. “Fuck,” she muttered, managing to sit up enough to see the room. This wasn’t her house. Where was she what time was it— _Shit._ Mrs. S.  _Shit_. School. She stood quickly, inhaling sharply at the throbbing pain in her temple, both deep in her head and on the surface too. She pressed her hand to her forehead, squeezing her eyes shut and waiting for some of the pain to subside. It barely did. Relaxing some of her tense muscles, she let her hand drop, only to see blood on it.

“Jesus bloody Christ.”

She glanced back at the table she’d fell on, sighing at the sight of blood on it too. She shuffled to the bathroom, ignoring the filth like it was second nature. Her appearance in the faded mirror was not one of her best. But it was a hell of a lot better than she felt. She was ninety percent sure the top she was wearing wasn’t the one she had left in, about one hundred percent sure her eyebrow would be bruised from that stupid ass table, and zero percent sure where she was.

“Fuckin great, Manning. Just bloody brilliant.”

“You talkin’ to yourself again?”

She caught sight of Paul in the mirror behind her, and she rolled her eyes, trying not to grin. “Again? Guess it was a crazy night, huh?”

He nodded as he walked forward, wrapping his arms around her. She found it difficult to appreciate the moment, though she did manage to lean into him, lifting her hand up to thread in his hair.

“What time is it?” she asked with a frown.

“Who cares?” He nuzzled into her hair.

She tried to keep her annoyance in check. “Do you know where we are?” she asked as calmly as she could.

“A friend’s.”

“Okay,” she said with faux acceptance, nodding. “Okay, great, perfect, so helpful.”

She broke from him, and pushed past to get back into the other room, bodies of people she barely recognized scattered everywhere in restless sleep.

“C'mon, Sarah, don’t be like that—”

“I don’t need your shit right now, ‘kay?” she muttered as she yanked her boots on. “I got'a go. I’ll call ya.”

Maybe.

…

Felix hated walking to school alone. When everyone saw him walking with Sarah and her gang of friends, they tended to mind their own business. But apparently a kid walking by himself up the stairs of the front of the school made him a prime target, no big sister around to save him.

“Yo, Dawkins!”

He dipped his head down and tried to climb the stairs faster.

“Heard you’re  _super_  comfortable changing for gym with all the guys.”

Right then he knew he had two options; fight back or run faster and hope one of the options got him less of a beat down than the other.

Where the fuck was Sarah?

Glancing up at the group approaching, he couldn’t decide what he was dreading more, the physical beat down or the emotional one. Run and get destroyed emotionally (moreso than usual) or stay and risk getting beat up on. His decision was already made up, but he closed his eyes tightly to brace, seeing as he wasn’t particularly  _fond_  of the decision. “Yeah well at least I can see my toes,” he shot back, forcing himself to look right into the eyes of one of the guys.

He saw surprise and anger.

It was going to be a long bloody day.

…

Alison jerked at the hand on her shoulder, whipping around to see Sarah, out of breath and disheveled to hell and back.

“Sarah, the bell is going to ring in a minute, where have you been—”

“Bathroom,” Sarah cut her off, tugging her to her feet and in the right direction. Alison waved helplessly to her teacher, who shrugged and nodded her okay, leaving Alison to stumble to follow Sarah’s brisk pace.

“What is going on—”

“Help,” Sarah said in the safety of the bathroom.

Alison took a moment to really take in Sarah’s appearance, a gasp slipping out as her eyes landed on the gash on Sarah’s head.

“Did you lose a fight?”

Sarah clenched her teeth. “Yeah. The table threw a mean right hook.”

“You don’t have to be smart with me.” Alison jutted her chin out.

The punk tensed, grimacing to hold back everything she wanted to scream at her friend. Instead she let out a long, slow breath. “Please make me look not…horrible,” she managed to ask, genuine contriteness in her voice.

Alison smiled. “Of course. I never thought you’d let me.”

She dug through her backpack to produce her spare makeup bag she mostly used for theatre. When Sarah hadn’t moved, she glanced up, raising her eyebrows. “I certainly hope you don’t think I’m doing this while you’re standing.”

“Wha’? Oh.”

Sarah shook her head to herself, walking over and casually jumping up to use the row of sinks as a seat. She waited patiently as Alison applied what felt like a hundred layers of makeup. Every time she felt a smart remark bubbling up, she clutched the porcelain edge of the sinks, squeezing until her fingers hurt. Be thankful. She’s helping you.

Finally, Alison stepped back to survey, brow furrowed in concentration. Sarah tried not to look to uncomfortable under the gaze. Alison smiled.

“Perfect.”

“Awesome.” Sarah moved to get down when she was abruptly pushed back.

“Did I say I was done?”

“You said—”

“Your  _face_  is perfect, idiot. I need to fix your hair—”

“No, it’s fine just—”

“Sarah I swear to God it looks like something is living up there just sit still—”

“ _Ow_ , shit, Alison just be gentle.”

Alison gave another yank. “Please shut up.”

A few more minutes and she finally stepped far enough away for Sarah to stand. She stormed to the mirror, and had to blink a few times to make sure she was seeing right. First of all, her eye makeup was almost identical to what she normally did.  _Second_ …Her hair…She turned her head back and forth, surveying the look. Alison had braided the side near her temple, giving it a faux shaved look. And she hated to admit it, but she looked pretty badass. But most importantly, third of all…She leaned closer to the mirror, poking gingerly at her temple. “It’s bloody gone,” she mumbled.

Alison crossed her arms. “That  _is_  what you wanted, right?”

Sarah threw a look over her shoulder. “Yeah.”

“I only did your hair like that so it wouldn’t fall in front of your face. I don’t want to run the risk of that…nasty mark getting exposed.”

Sarah took the explanation with a nod. She didn’t feel like admitting she liked the style.

…

Beth sat in Calculus, arms crossed on her desk, chin on her arms. She was watching Cosima, who was laughing up a storm, reaching over to clutch Scott’s arm as she tried to catch her breath.

“God, she’s such a flirt,” she muttered.

Art laughed.

“You’re just pissed she has game and you don’t.”

Beth shot him a glare.

“Excuse you.”

He smirked and threw his hands up. “I’m just saying.”

She couldn’t help but smirk back, looking back to Cosima. “Bullshit. You just like pissing me off.”

“Sometimes,” he admitted with a nod. “Sometimes you need it though.”

“Yeah, yeah, dipshit.” But after a moment, she looked over. “Thanks, man.”

“Mhm. Just remember. You need me, Childs,” he teased.

“Okay,” she laughed, picking her head up, “Now that’s pushing it.”

She cuffed his shoulder, shaking her head.

He grinned.

…

“Beth? Are you alright?”

“What?” Beth’s eyes snapped up like she’d been somewhere else. They had been sitting on the couch for the last two hours, after having finished their homework, Alison reading and Beth staring (but not watching) the TV. “Yeah, I’m fine.” She offered a smile.

Alison didn’t buy it. She set down her book, clasping her hands in her lap and straightening her back a little as she turned words over in her head. She wanted to word it right.

“Are you…mad at me for dragging you to babysit yesterday? Instead of getting to game with Sarah?”

Beth looked at her, confused. “Huh? Of course not,” she assured.

Her gaze dropped to her fingers as she started picking at her nails. “It’s just sometimes…at night, I uhh, I feel kinda…it’s hard to explain, I feel…just…never mind.”

“No,” Alison pressed. “C'mon. You can tell me.”

Beth looked back up, catching Alison’s genuinely concerned stare. And the longer she looked, the more she wanted to actually maybe say it. She opened her mouth to speak; Alison’s phone rang.

She looked at it, but Alison waved it off. “Ignore it,” she said, leaning a little closer. “Beth, are you okay?”

The moment had gone, though. The urge to tell her was gone. “Yeah.” She nodded uselessly until she conjured up a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. Answer your phone.”

Alison’s concerned gaze stayed on Beth a few more seconds before she reluctantly pulled out her phone and answered.

“Hello?”

_“Alison? Alison is Felix with you?”_

“Uh…No?” She furrowed her brow, glancing at Beth. “Mrs. S, is everything alright?”

_“No. No, it’s not. Felix never came home. His teachers all say they saw him leave. Sarah says she saw him out in the front of the school as she passed but he isn’t home.”_

'What do I do?’ Alison mouthed to Beth, who scooted forward a little.

“Ask if Sarah said anything else.”

“I-it’s okay,” Alison offered, “I’m sure he’s fine. Did Sarah say anything else?”

_“She…she said there was yelling. But Alison, it’s a middle school for bloody sake of course there’ll be yelling. I’m hanging up and calling the police—”_

“No!” Alison cut it sharply. “I-I mean…I might know where he is—”

“Well then tell me!”

“I…” Alison hesitated, conflicted.

Carefully, Beth reached out, putting her hand on Alison’s knee and rubbing it gently. Alison’s eyes flitted to hers and she offered a reassuring smile.

“Mrs. S, do you trust me?”

The line was quiet for a moment.

_“Chicken, what’s going on?”_

“Will you hold off calling the police until I call you back?” Alison pressed.

_“How will I know you aren’t in troub—”_

“It’s not like that. Just…please?”

The mother on the other line sighed, a long pause weighing on them. “Fine. You have an hour, max.”

She hung up and Alison looked guiltily at Beth. “Can I…borrow your car?”

Beth sighed. “Yeah. Keys are in my backpack. And Ali?”

“Yes?”

For a moment, Beth just looked at her, but after collecting herself, she squeezed her friend’s knee. “Be careful, alright?”

Alison nodded slowly before smiling, taking Beth’s hand into her own and squeezing it back. “I’ll be fine.”

Alison found the keys and got in the car, starting it and pulling out of the driveway and toward the high school. She parked near the auditorium, slipping in through the never locked door and down the stairs to the fine arts wing. Sure enough, there was a light at the end of the hall. While she was relieved he was  _there_ , she wasn’t exactly at ease. She crept closer to the open door, peering into the room.

Felix was there, and it appeared he’d been there for hours. His arms and shirt and neck were covered in paint, not to mention the fact there were two finished canvases. She watched as he brushed at the newest one with hard gestures, and upon further inspection, she could see he was crying as he painted. She wasn’t even sure if he could see anymore.

“Honey,” she said sympathetically.

He jumped at her voice, the fright enough for him to stop his crying for a second, only to look her in the eye before bursting into a harder fit of sobs. Her first instinct was to run over and hug him, but her body stiffened as she took a few steps closer. He was, she remembered, related to one Sarah Manning. Maybe too much affection wasn’t a good idea.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” she prompted, walking closer still, but not touching.

“ _Nothing_ ,” he nearly yelled, his voice hoarse.

“It’s just me,” Alison said gently. “I swear it’s okay to talk to me.”

She smiled encouragingly at him, and his crying subsided to simple sniffling as they stood in silence. He looked like he was fighting with himself, unsure whether or not to tell her.

“T-they…they called me a fag,” he managed to mumbled out.

Alison’s shoulders dropped with her sad exhale, her eyes softening. “I’m sorry.”

She couldn’t say it was okay, because it wasn’t. She couldn’t empathize with him because she didn’t know the feeling of being shunned. But she was, in all honesty of the word, sorry.

“A-an’ the worst part? I can’t disagree with them! I don’t  _want_  to because I _like_  myself.” His body shook a little with a sob he held back. “But I-I…I want other people to too and they  _don’t_  Alison. They don’t and they never will and it  _sucks_!” He pushed the table, knocking over a few paint containers.

“Felix?” Alison asked quietly, taking a few steps closer, enough so that she could touch him if she wanted. “Can I tell you something?”

He sniffled and studied her face, thinking about it before nodding.

“ _I_  like you. Do I count as other people?”

He blinked, trying to take it in.

“You’ll always be the best little brother I never got to have. You don’t have to listen to those…those  _shits_  because they’re wrong.”

She carefully reached out, touching his arm. He didn’t pull away. “You’ll always have me,” she continued, “You’ll always have Sarah and Mrs. S—”

“W-what if she sends me back?”

Alison didn’t mean to but she laughed a little. “Felix, if she’s kept you this long, after all the God awful stunts you pull with Sarah on a  _daily_  basis, I don’t think she’ll send you back for something so silly.”

She held his arms firmly with both her hands. “And do you know the plus of having a foster mother?”

“Wha’?”

“You know she loves you because she  _wants_  to, not because she has to. I sometimes wonder if my mother gives a damn about me because she actually cares or simply because I have her DNA. You…you never have to worry, okay? Do…you believe me?”

He nodded a little, wiping his nose with his wrist. Alison smiled and nodded once. “Good. Now.” She put her hands on her hips, “I know you’re going to be all 'I’m not a bloody hugger’,” she tried in her best British accent, “But would you maybe want to break that rule?”

He didn’t react for a second, but then he rolled his eyes, trying to keep a small laugh from escaping. “ _Never_  try that accent again, please,” he said with as much sass as he could, even though he was smiling by the end of the sentence. She took that as permission and pulled him in for a long hug, her heart breaking at how tightly he clung to her


	9. Chapter 9

Needless to say, Sarah and Mrs. S were an interesting mixture of relieved and upset when Felix stepped out of Beth’s car in their driveway some time later. Sarah was out the door in seconds flat and pulling him in for what was likely the most passionate hug Alison had ever seen. It surprised her, to be honest, because Sarah was probably the hardest, least emotional person she knew. She noticed, with a sinking feeling in her stomach, that a tear was slipping down the other girl’s cheek.

Well. It looked like Sarah did have the capacity to care for people other than herself.

“You lil shi’,” Sarah complained loudly, “don’t ever do tha’ again.”

“Sorry,” Felix mumbled, but Alison could see a happy pink in his cheeks at the show of affection from his sister.

“Thank you, Alison,” said Mrs. S quietly after checking Felix was unharmed and allowing him to go inside with Sarah.

“Of course,” insisted Alison with a little dismissive hand wave. “No trouble.”

“Would you like to stay for some tea?”

“Oh, no, thank you, Siobhan. Beth is waiting for me.” Alison’s mind momentarily flew back to Beth’s almost-confession previously and her stomach twisted anxiously. She hoped the other girl was okay.

“All right, love.” And then, Siobhan stepped forward and pulled Alison in for a tight, warm hug. For a moment, all Alison could do was bask in the simple motherliness of it. She didn’t get this type of interaction often. It was… nice.

“You’re a good girl, Alison.”

“Thank you.”

“Tell Elizabeth I said hello.”

“Of course.”

Later, she pretended she didn’t cry the whole way back to Beth’s.

She found Beth in pretty much the same position she left her in, sitting on the couch staring blankly at the TV.

“Hey,” Beth said immediately upon her entrance. “Did you find him? Is he okay?”

“He’s fine,” Alison assured her. “Thank you for letting me borrow your car.”

“Sure thing. It’s still in one piece, right?”

“Don’t be rude!”

Beth just laughed, and Alison pouted. What Alison didn’t realize was that Beth was playing her. Fooling her. Because after that small act, that little show of “I’m ok, I can still laugh,” Alison forgot to ask her what was bothering her.

She’d soon find herself regretting that.

–

More often than not, Cosima found herself having intense staring contests with her phone. Her stomach rolled nervously the way it always did before making a phone call. She hated talking on the phone. Talking face-to-face was one thing, when she could use hand gestures to get her point across. When it came to the phone, there were too many social cues that could be missed.

What time was it in France right now? Probably pretty late. She could just leave a voicemail the same way Delphine had done.

Yea. That’d work.

She pulled up the notification for Delphine’s voicemail and hit the number to call it. Putting the phone to her ear, she began to hum a nameless tune in her anxiety, eyes closing.

“Allo?”

Her eyes shot immediately open. Fear gripped her chest. “Whu- uhm, hey. Hi. Delphine?”

“Yes.”

“Hey, this is Cosima.”

“Oh! Euh, hello, Cos…ima.” She stumbled a little over her words, but otherwise was quite fluent.

“Um, I’m sorry, I wasn’t, like…. expecting you to answer. Did I wake you up?”

“No, no. I was doing the… the late studying. You are fine.”

“Oh, cool, cool. Uh, so, you wanted to know about… the city and stuff, right?”

“Yes! The… et, the weather, mostly. You know, ah, what kind of clothing I should bring.”

“Oh yea, totally. Um, well it’s getting pretty chilly out so I’d bring some warmer clothes. Jackets… and sweaters and junk.”

“… Junk?”

“Oh, no, it’s just… a figure of speech. Sorry.”

“Oh. No, do not worry. Et… Agh. I am not usually so…. all over the place. Je suis désolé.”

“Pas de problème.”

“Oh my,” Delphine giggled. “Your accent is very good.”

“Really? I always thought it sucked.”

“Sucked…?”

“Oh, it just means, like… really bad.”

“Oh! Not at all. It is… oh, what is the word? Parfait. What is the word for that?”

Cosima grinned. “Perfect.” She blushed.

She could hear the smile in Delphine’s voice.

“Yes. Perfect.”

–

“So you gonna tell me wha’ happened?” Sarah asked softly as she helped scrub Felix’s neck free of paint.

“I told you, I jus’ needed to paint. Priva’ely.” He grimaced as she scrubbed harder at a problem spot.

“Oh yea? ‘Cause this paint’s no’ comin’ off,” she said as she gently touched the faint black eye he was forming.

“I er… fell.”

“Sure. Ok.”

He furrowed his brow at her. “Wha’ abou’ you? I know Alison’s work anywhere. Who’d you ge’ in a scuffle wiff?”

“A table,” Sarah grumbled.

“Wow.” Felix rolled his eyes. Sarah didn’t have any more to say, and she ran the washcloth under more warm water before resuming her scrubbing duties.

“Boy,” she finally spoke up sometime later, her voice ricocheting off the cramped walls of the bathroom. “We sure are a mess, Fee.”

“Where were you, anyway?” he snapped suddenly.

“….Wha’?” Sarah blinked, as if physically dazed by the sudden question.

“You always walk me to school,” he was starting to get angry. “Today you didn’t, and they… I… where were you?” Suddenly, it was as if he couldn’t stand to be in her presence anymore, and with an angry jerk he pulled himself off the side of the tub and stormed out of the cramped bathroom.

Sarah was left baffled and with a stinging in her heart.


	10. Chapter 10

Helena hated these anonymous drops. They were loose and without monitoring, but as of yet, whomever this was hadn’t ripped her off. A gust of wind blew and she shivered, hunching her shoulders and trying to keep the breeze from getting through her long sleeve shirt. She might have to stop going to school once winter hit. Or be forced to ask Tomas to drive her. She did not know how well that would go.

She slipped in through the side door of the school, wandering down the oldest hallway. The only things down there were woodshop and the green room for the smaller theater. She counted lockers as she walked, stopping at the eighteenth one and opening it.

She was always so surprised to see the money there. Giving a quick look up and down the hallway, she slipped the money into her pocket and replaced it with a bottle of anti-depressants and a few other bottles. Even if this wasn’t her style, she could appreciate the security. And she wasn’t about to complain about her second best customer.

She slammed the locker and hurried up the closest stairwell, knocking shoulders with someone and losing her bag. Instead of watching it tumble all the way back down the stairwell, her eyes shot up. She was about to snap when she saw who it was. Sarah. Sarah Manning eye to eye with her not one foot away. She tried to blink or say something but Sarah just glared. She noticed a shadow near the girl’s forehead, and she frowned. That was a bruise. Who hurt Sarah? Who did she have to hurt?

“Get outta the way,” Sarah said roughly, continuing down the stairs.

Helena watched her go, tilting her head. But Sarah stopped at the bottom of the stairs, and Helena’s eyes widened as she watched the girl go for her bag. She ran down the stairs and reached for it at the same time, but hesitating. She did not want to be rude. She did not want to rip it from Sarah but she also  _wanted_  it.

But she realized both of them had paused, hands hovering over the bag. She glanced at Sarah quickly, but Sarah wasn’t looking at her. She was looking at her hand. Helena followed her gaze to see her sleeve had ridden up to reveal a few bruises near her wrist. She yanked the sleeve down and grabbed the bag, throwing it over her shoulder and running up the steps. “I am very sorry, Sarah” she shouted as she rounded the second flight of stairs. She liked how the words echoed. “ _Sarah_   _Manning_ ,” she shouted again, grinning to herself as the name echoed back.

…

Cosima bit her lip, trying not to smile too wide. Alison’s eyebrows twitched up. “Cosima? Texting in class? I must have missed the end of the world.”

“Sarcasm doesn’t suit you, Alison,” Sarah muttered.

Alison frowned. “Well at least I can properly hide a bruise.”

Sarah’s eyes widened a little, and she sunk down in her seat to try and hide her face. “Shu’up.”

Cosima looked up from her texting. “Wait, where’s Beth? I thought she came in with you guys.”

They looked around, brows furrowing. “I dunno…”

Beth ran in, and although not breathing heavily, it was clear she had been running. “Am I late?”

“No,” Alison assured. “You’re just on time.”

Beth smiled at her, relieved, and moved to take the seat beside her. “How’re you?” she asked quietly.

“Good!” Alison said with an even bigger smile, “For theatre we had to do dance moves and it was actually really educational.”

Beth smirked. “You enjoyin’ getting to use that ballet background, huh?”

“Only a little.”

“C’mon, admit it.”

Alison bit her lip, tilting her head back to pretend to think. “I did rather enjoy seeing them struggle, yes.”

“That’s my girl.”

Tilting her head to the side, Alison blew her bangs out of her eyes to see Beth, and they both laughed. Beth reached out to gently brush them away. “You need to get them cut,” she said with a warm smile, only then realizing she had kept her fingers near Alison’s temple. She pulled them away, turning back to her seat.

“I guess I should,” Alison agreed, smiling and following Beth’s lead to turn toward the front of the room. “But I don’t want to go just to get my bangs cut. That’s such a horrible waste of money.”

Beth let the breath she had been holding go. Alison hadn’t seemed to have noticed at all. So, with another deep breath, she moved her backpack from her lap to the floor, careful to make sure there were no rattling sounds to indicate her new purchase.

…

“I bloody hate gym,” Sarah muttered as she jogged around the track, the cold air turning her words to fog.

Beth shrugged. “I don’t mind it.”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “Yeah, you’re the bloody queen of exercise. Of course you wouldn’t mind.”

Beth shoved her a little. “Whatever. How’s Felix doing?”

“Alright.” She was going to leave it at that. She hated talking about her problems, but for some reason, she felt Beth might be…genuinely curious. “I…I think he blames me, though.”

“What? That’s crazy, Sarah, he adores you. He worships the ground you walk on.”

“Yeah and at this bloody rate he’s probably realized by now all he’s worshipin’ is shitty dirt, now innit?”

“Sarah,” Beth said sternly. “Don’t be like that.”

“I’m not bein’ like anythin’, Childs, it’s true, ‘kay? I’m a shit sister and a shit friend—“

“ _Hey_.”

Beth grabbed Sarah’s arm and yanked her to a halt. Sarah tried to shove her off, but Beth just tightened her grip and pulled her closer. “You listen, and you listen  _hard_.”

Beth gritted her teeth, her eyes flitting back and forth between Sarah’s eyes to make sure the punk was actually going to listen before continuing.“Do you really think walking him to school would have stopped it? Even if it  _does_ , you’re not there all fuckin’ day. You cannot protect him all the time, Sarah. You just can’t. Yes, it’s nice to be there for him and you _are_ most of the time. So shut up, okay? You messed up. Big fucking deal.”

She pulled Sarah closer. “And if you think those boys only mess with him in the morning, then you are naïve or blind or maybe both. Just because they have more time to do it in the mornings doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have to deal with little quips or little shoves or little looks all day every day so you need to man up and realize you can’t do everything for him.”

She paused, looking hard at Sarah. “Alright? I will not have you blaming yourself for something so stupid.”

With an extra hard glare, she dropped Sarah’s arm. “Now c’mon before I get a time under ten minutes,” she muttered.

For a long moment, Sarah could only stare as Beth started up her jog again. Maybe she was right. Maybe she wasn’t. She just realized in that horrifying moment she was actually glad to have no-bullshit Beth as her friend. She said what needed to be said and then moved on. No dwelling. No nothing.

She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair.  _Stop being so fucking sentimental._

With another hesitation, she started up a sprint to catch up to the track star, already out of breath by the time she made it back to Beth’s side.

Had she mentioned she hated gym?

…

The last period of the day rolled by and Alison was looking forward to getting home. She needed to relax and unwind and try and make her Wednesday not so… _Wednesday_.

Beside her, Cosima was furiously taking notes, but she found herself far too uninterested. Lucky for her, English came naturally to her. She could write and improvise presentations like a master, and she thanked theatre for that.

Both she and Cosima jumped though, when Cosima’s phone started to ring. Cosima blushed and tried to ignore it, but she couldn’t really do that when the teacher walked up right beside her. Sighing, Cosima reached into her bag and pulled it out, not even lifting her eyes from her paper.

“You can get it back from the office with your detention slip after school.”

And while Cosima looked like she didn’t give any shits, Alison knew that look. Cosima was never tense. And her jaw most certainly never clenched that hard. It only did that when she was about to cry. So with a carefully slow movement, she reached over and took Cosima’s hand under her desk. She squeezed gently, and Cosima held it back tightly, unrelenting as she continued to take notes, faster and without pausing, even when the teacher wasn’t speaking.

The moment the bell rang, Cosima jolted upright, throwing her things in her bag as she ran out the door.  _Just get home, Niehaus. Just get your phone and get home_. She slipped into the office, grabbing her phone and the slip of paper wrapped around it and basically sprinting out the front door.

It’s no big deal. It’s just detention. It’s no big deal.

But not even two blocks away, she was already crying.

What was her problem? Why did she care so damn much? Why did she have to be such a perfect little student?

She shook her head and tears got stuck behind her glasses. She lifted them up and wiped under her eyes, but they just kept going, the entire way home. She was glad her parents were too busy with their latest project to notice her fling her things on the dining room table and run up the stairs to her room.


	11. Chapter 11

When they all convened outside of the school after classes had ended, Sarah noted that one member of their faithful group was missing.

“Oi, where’s Cos?” she asked, and Beth looked suddenly surprised, as if she hadn’t noticed that the other girl was missing.

“She must have gone home already,” said Alison, looking concerned.

“Why would she do that?” asked Beth.

“Yea,” Sarah continued, “she knows we always hang around after school.”

“Well, she was pretty upset,” said Alison. “She got detention, you see.”

There was a very long, very stunned silence.

“Wha’?”

“Cosima? Detention? Are you kidding?”

“I wouldn’t joke about this,” Alison huffed. “Her phone went off during class.”

“Oh. Was it tha’ French girl? Cos is to’ally in love with her and they haven’t even met yet.” Sarah laughed.

“Sarah, it isn’t funny,” insisted Alison. “Cosima doesn’t get detention. She was practically crying the rest of class. I’m worried.”

“All righ’, all righ’, relax.” Sarah began stretching her arm out, as if warming up for something. “I’ve go’ a plan.”

She then promptly turned around, made sure the principle was in plain sight, and swung a punch at the first kid she saw. He yelped, falling backwards in surprise.

“What the hell?” he yelled.

“Sarah!” gasped Alison, while Beth just chuckled and said “Nice!”

“Manning!” yelled the principal. “My office! Now!”

Sarah grinned. “There. Now Cos won’ have to go alone.” And she followed willingly after the red-faced principal, her stunned victim still sitting on the ground.

“She is so nuts,” said Beth.

But it was the nicest thing Sarah Manning had done for anyone.

–

“Detention?”

“Yea. It’s totally lame.”

Cosima sat cross-legged on her bed, phone pinched between her jaw and shoulder so she could write and talk at the same time. The clock on her table indicated it was nearing 3 a.m., but she had no intentions of sleeping any time soon.

“That does seem sort of… non-fair,” said Delphine, and Cosima smiled slightly.

“Unfair,” she corrected gently.

“Oh, merde, yes. Unfair. So when do you have it?”

“They usually do detention on Fridays. I only know because my friend Sarah is like, a total hooligan.”

Delphine burst into giggles. “That word. What is that?”

“It means she misbehaves a lot.”

“I like that word. I am going to write it down. One… ah, one minute. Please.”

Cosima wrote a few more notes down in her notebook while she waited.

“Okay,” Delphine’s voice returned. “So, what are you doing now?”

“Taking notes from my Science book to study later.”

“Oh.” There was a pause. “Cosima, I have just realized something.”

“What?”

“Isn’t it very late where you are right now?”

Cosima glanced at her clock. “No. Not at all.”

She heard the smile in Delphine’s voice. “That was a good try. But you are a terrible liar.”

“Shut up! I’m a super good liar.”

“Is that something to be proud of?”

“Geeeeeez,” groaned Cosima. “There’s just no winning with you.”

Delphine chuckled. “Go to sleep, you silly girl. I will talk to you yesterday.”

“Tomorrow.”

“I… yes. Of course. I always mix them up. Tomorrow.”

Cosima hung up, but she did not go to sleep.

She needed to study.

–

“Tomas?” Helena asked tentatively.

Her foster father grunted in response.

“Um, eet ees… getting quite cold out, and I am going to be needing a… a vinter jacket… soon.”

He didn’t say anything.

She took that as a good sign, and left Tomas alone to go sit in her room.

She thought about the interaction she had with Sarah. Why was the girl always so angry? And why did she have a bruise on her head? She twisted her sheets in her hands, anxiety and worry claiming her heart.

The idea of anybody hurting Sarah Manning made a fire grow in her gut. It made her feel like she could fight a bear and win.

It did not, however, make her feel like she could fight Tomas and win, and at that moment he burst into her room screaming.

“A disgrace!” he yelled as he shook her. “You are a disgusting sinner! You must be punished!”

Helena thought often about the things Tomas said to her when he got into one of his rages. He told her she was filthy. A sinner. That she needed to be punished.

She gave up trying to figure out what she needed to be punished for long ago.

–

Sarah had disappeared overnight again, making Felix cover for her and tell Mrs. S she was with Cosima.

He put on a brave face for S, insisting he’d be fine walking to school alone.

“No, don’ call Alison,” he whined. “Tha’s so embarrassing. I’ll be fine. Swear.”

But as he walked he couldn’t keep the fear from blurring his vision. He didn’t want to ever hear the word “fag” again, but as he got closer to the school he saw more and more of his fellow male classmates who called the word out like a mantra.

“Hey, Felix,” called one boy as he and his gang approached. “Where’s your dress?”

“Fuck off,” snarled Felix before he could stop himself. He was just so…angry.

“Excuse me?” the boy demanded, and the group slinked threateningly closer. “You wanna try that again?”

“Sorry, I forgo’ you’re kind of stupid. I said fuck. Off.”

The boy looked prepared to pound Felix into the dirt, and Felix was ready, but at the last second something changed. He felt a looming presence behind him, powerful and fierce. For a second he thought Oh thank God, Sarah’s here, but the energy was different. Darker. More dangerous.

The boys took one look at whoever was behind him and immediately mumbled “whatever, man,” before retreating.

Felix turned to see a blonde girl who looked a little worse for wear. The bruises that blotted her face made her look even more dangerous than she already did, shadows underneath making her eyes dark. Despite the crisp weather, she had no jacket

“Do not vorry,” she said in a low, heavily accented voice.

“I von’t let them fuck vith you.”

–

Beth waited until she was safely locked in her bedroom before pulling her purchase out of her backpack. The pills rattled in their bottle, a strangely sweet sound to Beth’s ringing ears.

She popped the bottle open and stared inside. The pills were brightly colored, making them resemble candy. She liked that.

She wondered how many she should take. How many would have the right effect?

And then, a very intrusive thought wormed its way into her brain.

What if she just…

took them all

and went to sleep

and never woke up

and never had to worry about anything

and never had to feel like the shittiest human on earth again

and-

No.

Alison needed her to drive her home from rehearsal tomorrow.

Two would be enough.

For now.


	12. Chapter 12

Sarah dragged her French fry around in some ketchup, but didn’t really want to bring it to her mouth. Her stomach churned at just the  _idea_  of eating. Had she really been out that late that her hangover still wasn’t gone?

A clatter in front of her made her jump and drop her fry, and she glared at its owner.

“Wha’ do ya want, Paul?” she muttered, picking up another fry and drawing spirals in the ketchup.

“Where were you last night? I tried calling you.”

“Yeah,” she said flatly. “I was out.”

“Out?” His brow furrowed. “With who?”

Her eyes shot up to meet his, and she tried to keep her rage to a minimum. “People.”

“Why didn’t you tell me—“

“Wha’ are you, my bloody girlfriend?” she snapped, glancing up to see Beth and promptly breaking eye contact to look back down at her plate. With a little bit of a scowl, she finally threw a fry into her mouth.

Paul looked over his shoulder to see what caused Sarah’s sudden quiet, his eyes meeting Beth’s. “I think you better find a new seat, Dierden,” she said cooling, lifting her eyebrows up expectantly.

He didn’t move for a few seconds, but finally caved, taking his tray and his wounded dignity to the other side of the room. Beth took his place, unwrapping her sandwich and starting to eat. “He’s a real douche,” she said casually, fishing around in her backpack with her free hand.

Sarah mustered up a half-hearted laugh. “Yeah, well he’s kind of a whiny bitch too.”

Beth shrugged. “Cut him some slack. He likes you. That’s a clear testament to his insanity—“

Sarah kicked her under the table. “Shut your trap, Childs.” But this time she found herself smirking back at Beth’s cheeky little smile. “You’re so bloody frustrating.”

“Why’sthat?” Beth asked with her mouth full, flipping her notebook open to the most recent set of German notes she had taken.

“Ya never lay off, that’s why,” Sarah tried lying.

Beth didn’t fall for it, but simply smirked down at her notes as she read. “Yeah, yeah. You just hate knowing I can cheer your bitter ass up.”

“Must you always use that language, Elizabeth?”

Beth’s eyes flicked up, a warmer smile tugging at her lips before she found her sass again. “Must you always call me Elizabeth when you disapprove of my language?”

“Oui,” Alison said with a nod, sitting down beside Beth, Cosima next to Sarah.

“Merde,” Beth laughed.

“Stop with the French, yeah?” Sarah tried to hide her grin before adding, “Might make Cosima hot over there.”

Cosima didn’t respond, and Sarah leaned over to find it was because she was texting. “Well Jesus, I didn’t know you’d drop us the second you had a bloody girlfriend.”

At that Cosima’s eyes shot up, wide. “She’s not my girlfriend,” she protested. “I don’t even know what she looks like!”

Sarah smirked, eating another fry. “She’s  _French_. Both you and I know it doesn’t bloody well  _matter_  what she looks like because there’s no chance in hell she’s  _not_  hot.”

Alison furrowed her brow. “Sarah it’s awful to assume all French women are hot.”

“I’m not, you idiot,” Sarah laughed. “I’m sayin’ Cos is the most bloody lucky girl I ever met and I will bet you last weekend’s gig money that Frenchie is the hottest fuckin’ thing on the planet.”

“Done,” Beth said, slamming her hand on the table.

Sarah grinned. “You’re on.”

They shook hands and Alison tried very hard not to sigh and roll her eyes. Sometimes she wondered if either of them possessed a Y chromosome.

…

Cosima once again ran for the door the moment the final bell rang. Mostly because she wanted to get home to call Delphine. But as ran down the hall, she found herself slowing to a walk and finally halting in the lobby outside the main auditorium. Helena was sitting on a bench, staring through the glass doors of the front entrance and to the snow that had started to fall.

Shit. It was barely November.

Shaking her head, she looked back to Helena and the dread etched in her face. She almost felt…obligated to this girl. Sure, she had given her enough weed to choke a frickin’ horse, but she wasn’t entirely sure that was the only reason. Her phone felt heavy in her pocket, but with a long, drawn out sigh, she walked up to the blonde girl, tugging at her backpack straps nervously.

“Are you uhh, alright?”

“Yes. I am fine.”

Her tone was flat and her eyes were flatter when she looked up at Cosima. Cosima’s brow furrowed. Was she skinner than usual?

“You going home?” she tried.

“I do not know.”

Cosima licked her lips, pushing her glasses up higher on her nose. “Well are you, like…hungry?”

Her chest immediately felt lighter at the way Helena perked up. Yes, score. She had done something right.

“Vhy? Do you have food?”

Cosima grinned. “Yeah, totes. I always pack two lunches. I’m, uhh, I’m kind of a food junkie. Like…majorly.”

“And you vould share?”

“Yeah, man, no big. C’mon.” She waved toward the auditorium. “It’s like ten degrees warmer in there. And I think the first round of musical tryouts start today, so uhh, we can have dinner  _and_  a show.”

She headed for the door, and Helena hopped eagerly to her feet, following closely behind.

…

Sarah got home in record time, not wanting to piss Mrs. S off any more than she was.

“How was school today, chicken?” she asked, tilting her head as Sarah approached the kitchen.

Sarah patted down her torso to her hips, looking down as if inspecting herself. “Well I’m still in one piece.”

Mrs. S smirked, slipping a grilled cheese off the worn pan and onto a plate. “You better bite that smart tongue of yours,” she warned, but it was clear she was amused.

Sarah grinned and bit her tongue, her eyebrows twitching up in jest. Chuckling, Mrs. S handed her the plate. “I haven’t seen ya eat in a week, girlie. I better not even see crumbs when I come up later.”

Sarah nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

She wasn’t one to deny food.

“Is Fee home?” she asked as she turned, already picking up the sandwich and taking a bite.

“Yes. He got home just a little before you.”

“He seem alright?”

She tried to make it sound casual, but at the smug look she got she knew she failed. “Yes. He seemed quite the bundle of joy.”

She took the rest of the stairs two at a time, opening her door to find Felix on her bed, sketching. She walked over, and waited for him to pick up the pencil before nudging him to scoot over. He did and she flopped on her back, taking another bite.

“Those look awesome,” she commented, rolling her head to see the book better.

“Ya think?” he asked, tilting his head as he inspected it.

“Yeah. I do.”

There was a beat of silence.

“How was your day?”

“I didn’t get pounded on ‘f that’s what you’re askin’.”

“That’s not wha’ I meant—wait ya di’nt?”

Felix knew he should’ve been pissed, but he smirked at her, giving a little laugh. “No. Someone kinda just…helped. For no reason. It was…bloody strange but I guess…I can’t complain, yeah?”

“Did ya get a name?”

He shook his head. “She smelled like Cos, though. Had a real thick accent. An’ her hair made me want to cringe bu’…I ain’t judgin’.”

His eyes lit up a little. “Wait, here.”

He flipped back a few pages, extending the book to Sarah, who held it above her head. Her eyes widened at the face she saw staring back at her in stunning black and white. “Jesus, Fee, that’s…that’s really good,” was the first thing she managed.

“Do ya know her?” he asked, taking it back and flipping back to the sketch he had been working on.

“I dunno if I could say  _know_ ,” Sarah said honestly. “Ya  _sure_  that’s her?”

“I’d swear on it, Sar. That’s her.”

Sarah furrowed her brow. “Did…did she say  _why_?”

Felix shook his head. “She didn’t say…much, really. She scared ‘em off an’ walked me up the stairs and all the way to my first class. An’ then she waited there until I told her to leave.”

Sarah had no idea how to respond. “I’m glad you’re okay,” she settled for, popping the last of the grilled cheese into her mouth. She stretched over her head to grab her acoustic, and while she didn’t love it as much as her electric, it gave her practice. So she fiddled away with it, strumming chords on her back, Felix nestled up beside her as he continued to draw.

…

Alison’s hands were shaking as she paced in the halls. She couldn’t do this. There was no way. And it was only the first week. Only one song so far. One song from the musical that’s all she had to do oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph why wouldn’t her hands stop shaking.

She clenched her jaw tightly, closing her eyes and tilting her chin up as she paced. Keep it together, Hendrix. There’s only like seven people in that auditorium you can do it just—

But her hand was reaching into her pocket where she had stuck a few pills that morning. She didn’t pull them out. She just squeezed her eyes shut tighter and ran her fingers over them, trying to decide. But for some reason, she found herself more scared to try them than she was for the audition. Maybe they’d help, though…

“Ali.”

She jumped, her eyes snapping open. “Beth? Wh…what are you doing here?”

Beth tilted her head. “Are you kidding me? I’d never miss this for the world.”

Alison tilted her head a little. “I-it’s just an audition. It doesn’t matter—“

“You’re my friend and I know when you’re nervous,” Beth said gently, taking a few steps closer. “You doing alright?”

Alison looked at her for a long time, trying to force out a lie, but when none came, her eyes started to burn and she shook her head.

“No, Ali, don’t cry,” Beth murmured, taking the few extra steps to pull Alison in for a hug. “You’ll do great.”

“What if I mess up?” Alison sniffled into her shoulder.

Beth rubbed her back a little, letting out a small exhale. “Then you’re a part of the ensemble. No big deal. You can do theatre in college, Ali, and you know it. This isn’t the be-all-end-all.”

Alison clung a little tighter to Beth, shaking her head against her shoulder. “Then why does it feel like it is?”

“Because you’re…melodramatic?”

Alison gasped, pulling away and giving a laugh of disbelief. “Excuse me?”

Beth smirked. “It’s why you fit in so well with them.”

“Beth!” Alison exclaimed. “That is so  _rude_!” She shoved her friend’s shoulder, and Beth laughed.

“I speak truth for you and only you, my dear.”

“Am I going to do alright?”

“Yes,” Beth answered immediately with a firm head nod. “You can bet on it.”

“Promise?”

“If not, you can take me into a dark alley and beat me up. Deal?”

A smile tugged at Alison’s lips. “You’re horrible sometimes.”

“I’m your kinda horrible. Now c’mon.”

She caught Alison’s wrist and tugged a little, trying to get her to follow. Alison grinned, allowing herself to be dragged a few paces before gently pulling her arm away from Beth. Beth kept walking, assuming that meant Alison would follow, but nearly tripped on her feet when Alison’s hand returned, this time lacing their fingers together. “Thanks for the pep talk,” she said quietly as they neared the side door of the auditorium.

“Uhh…yeah,” Beth said distractedly. “Anytime.”

Alison smiled brightly at her, squeezing her hand once more before releasing it and slipping backstage.

And Beth, of course, wasn’t wrong. Alison killed it. Hit every note, took every opportunity to also turn the song into a sort of ‘acting’ show as well, and when the song ended, despite the dead silence in the room, Cosima whooped loudly clapping and laughing at Alison’s mortified face. Beth just grinned in her seat next to Cosima, watching a blush color Alison’s cheeks before she spun on her heels and practically bolted off the stage.

Beside them, Helena took a breath from practically inhaling the bag of barbeque chips to lean forward a little. “That vas good, yes?”

“Тak,” Beth said with a nod. “She’s…the best.”


	13. Chapter 13

Sarah woke with a grunt, momentarily pleased to find she recognized her surroundings as being her own room. She’d woken up in too many mysterious houses recently.

Ugh. Friday, finally. Other than detention (which she did not regret in the slightest) tonight was gonna be a fuckin’ blast.

Movie night at Beth’s house always got nuts. Her parents were always out of town, and Beth always snuck a few bottles of wine from their cabinet. She said they literally never noticed.

Last time they’d held the event, Sarah had ended up with significantly less eyebrow hair than she’d started with.

Now, her eyebrow had pretty much fully grown back, which meant she was ready to do more stupid shit with her closest friends.

“Oi, Fee,” she called, tugging on her boots. “You comin’ or wha’?”

“Yea,” came her brother’s voice, and then he was there, hair unbrushed and toothbrush in his mouth.

“Hey, uh, I was finkin’. You don’t have to… to walk me anymore if ya… don’t want to.”

“Huh? Wha’s this abou’?” She grinned and pretended this didn’t sting a little. “Is Helena be’er than me?”

“Nah,” said Felix casually. “Tha’s the fing. She’s not. I feel sor’a… sorry for’er, ya know? I fink maybe she needs the company… every now’n again.”

Sarah thought about this for a moment. The more she encountered the strange girl, the more she felt the same as Felix. There was something about Helena. Something painful. Sad.

“Ok, ok, sounds good,” she said. “Bu’ if she doesn’t show up you gimme a ring, kay? I ain’t afraid a’ bein’ late.”

“Ok,” said Felix, and she ruffled his hair before he scampered off to finish getting ready.

He was a good kid.

Lil shit.

–

Helena made her way down the path towards the middle school, backpack slung over one sore shoulder.

Ever since she’d seen that little boy almost get the shit beaten out of him, she felt a sort of… obligation. She couldn’t bear to see the underdog hurt.

Maybe it was because she was the underdog in her own home.

Whatever it was, she found herself walking the same path again, hoping to shadow the boy without him knowing. He’d seemed a little… unsure of her yesterday.

Which was fine. Nobody was really sure about Helena. She wasn’t even sure about herself.

But as she caught up to him, he turned around. “Oi,” he said, lighting up when he saw her. “I’d hoped you’d be back.” He slowed down, fell into step beside her.

“You… did?”

“Well, yea,” he said with a shrug. “You make good company. Plus, nobody fucks wiff me now I’ve go’ you.”

I’ve got you.

Helena couldn’t explain the feeling in her stomach. It was like burning, in the best way, and it warmed her whole body. She almost couldn’t feel the cold anymore.

The burning traveled to her face.

And she smiled.

–

Sarah was starving.

She hadn’t had the chance to eat this morning since she’d been running late and Siobhan had nearly kicked her in the arse to get her out the door. So, she piled her tray high with food. Two things of fries, a burger, an apple (only to keep the judging eye of the lunch attendant off of her).

She was making her way to the usual table when she spotted a wild mane of blonde out of the corner of her eye. Pausing, she saw Helena sitting by herself at a table (which was saying something, considering seats were always sparse). The girl didn’t have any food. She just sat and stared at her folded hands.

So? Why should I give a shit?

She tried really hard to play it tough, to act like she really didn’t give a shit.She was probably starting to look stupid just standing there, but she was conflicted. She’d been so… so terrible to Helena. But now…

It seemed that if Sarah said even one harsh word to the girl, she would shatter.

Her stomach rolled. She made eye contact with Cosima, who could always read her mind. Cosima winked and smiled encouragingly, indicating her understanding.

Good ol’ Cos.

“Oi, Helena,” Sarah called, her mind made up, and the girl’s head snapped up so fast Sarah feared her neck might snap. “Mind if I sit?”

“Please,” said Helena hoarsely, gesturing. Sarah roughly pulled the chair across from Helena out and sat heavily in it, slamming her tray on the table.

She was never really one for pleasantries.

“So, uh, listen,” Sarah said awkwardly, picking up a fry and turning it over in her fingers. “I er, wanted to say… say fanks. For walkin’ my bruvver to school, makin’ sure he’s looked after.”

Helena looked confused for a split second before a slow look of understanding formed. “Ohhh. Thee little boy from thee middle school. He ees your brother?”

Sarah furrowed her brow. “Yea. You didn’t… you didn’t know?” Of course she didn’t, but Sarah had still had some part of her that believed Helena was looking out for Felix in order to get to her.

“No,” said Helena quietly.

“Why’d you protect him like tha’? ‘Specially since you don’t even know ‘im, I mean.” Sarah shoved the fry into her mouth.

“I was on my way to make a… a transaction,” she said. “I saw him on thee way. Thee other boys, they vere… hurting him.”

“Like, hittin’ ‘im?” Sarah bristled.

“No. They vere hurting him in here.” She pointed to her own chest, where her heart would be. “But they vould have gone further, I’m sure.”

That wasn’t any better.

“I just couldn’t stand eet. So I stepped in. It vas easy. People are usually… scared of me.”

Sarah’s heart gave a sudden squeeze. She looked down at the table, blushing furiously, and swallowed.

“I don’t fink you’re scary,” she grunted at the grey tabletop.

Helena remained quiet.

Sarah shoved another fry into her mouth, and then picked up her burger. “You hungry, meathead?” she asked, offering it up.

Helena’s eyes went wide. She took the offering with tentative hands, as if scared Sarah would revoke it at the last second. When she didn’t, Helena beamed.

Wow.

She looked like a totally different person when she smiled.

–

So this was what it was like to be Sarah.

Even though nobody really gave two shits, Cosima still felt like everyone was judging her as she entered the classroom detention was to be held in. She sat heavily in a chair, throwing her backpack on the floor.

It’d be fine, she thought. An hour and then she could get ready for movie night tonight.

God, it was gonna be so ridiculous. She couldn’t wait. Last time they’d had movie night, Sarah had gotten really drunk and passed out so Cosima shaved half her eyebrow off while she slept.

Oh, man. She smirked a little just remembering it.

Wait.

Speaking of Sarah.

Why was she walking into detention?

“Wassup, bitch?” Sarah greeted, taking the seat next to Cosima. Cosima furrowed her brow.

“Not that I’m totally surprised, but, like… why are you here?”

Sarah shrugged. “I punched a kid. In th’face. It was grea’, actually.” She grinned, as if this was her proudest moment.

“Seriously? Why?”

“He looked a’ me funny.” Cosima couldn’t help but think Sarah was lying. “So I blindsided ‘im. He’s a lil blue.”

Cosima’s eyebrows shot up. “Wait. I think I saw him! Isn’t his name like, Victor or something?” She distinctly remembered the small, dark haired boy’s face being a lot… bluer than usual.

“How the fuck should I know? I didn’ punch ‘im and then say “Oh, by the way, wha’s your name?’”

“All right, geez.” Cosima laughed. There was a pause, and then, “I can handle detention on my own, Sarah.”

Sarah looked unfazed by Cosima realizing her plans. “I know. Bu’ tha’ doesn’ mean you have to.”

Cosima couldn’t hide her smile.


	14. Chapter 14

The next hour dragged by, but Sarah and Cosima managed to pass the time, arms crossed on their desks in front of their faces as they talked. But then the sound of the teacher’s chair dragging on the floor caught their attention and they looked up, only to see the woman pulling her coat up over her shoulders.

“Go,” she muttered, “Before I change my mind.”

The girls didn’t hesitate, Cosima almost knocking her chair over as she went for the door, a smirk tugging at Sarah’s lips. For a dork, she was bloody cute sometimes.

Out in the hall, they both stopped when they saw Beth and Alison leaning against the lockers, looking right at them.

Beth threw her arms up like goalposts, “And Cos survived her first and only detention!” she shouted with a grin, running forward and picking Cosima up, spinning her around. Cosima laughed loudly, squirming until Beth finally set her back down on her feet.

“Thanks I think the whole school just saw up my skirt.”

“Like they haven’t already—“

“ _Hey_!” Cosima tried to sound offended, but an extra laugh that bubbled up ruined that. “You calling me a slut, bitch?”

Beth’s eyebrows twitched up. “Just a flirt.”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “Ya didn’t have to wait, you idiot. We were fine.”

Alison walked up behind them, putting her hand on Beth’s lower back to signal her arrival. Beth inhaled sharply in surprise, but the girl was already talking.

“Yes, well, you don’t have a car,” Alison pointed out, “so it was just easier.”

“Aka impatient over here,” Beth laughed, pointing not so discreetly to Alison, “Didn’t want you taking forever to get there since I live on the other side of creation. And,” she leaned forward conspiratorially, “I don’t think she wanted to give you a chance to bail if you realized between here and there that it’s her turn to pick.”

Sarah groaned. “Fuckin’ hell, no, Alison I swear to God if ya pick another damn chick flick I am gauging my eyes out—“

“It’s not a chick flick… _necessarily_ —“

“Nuh-uh,” Sarah cut her off, turning on her heels. “Childs, tell me you’ve got somethin’ bloody stronger’n wine.”

“Yes, I do. Dad bought some weird holiday Jack for Thanksgiving but he fuckin’ hates it. He won’t miss it if it’s gone.”

Sarah pumped her fist in approval, glancing over her shoulder, giving a sly smile and taking a few steps toward the main exit. “You bitches comin’ then?”

“Yeah, totes,” Cosima said.

“ _Shotgun_ ,” Sarah called as she started walking.

Alison frowned and opened her mouth, about to say  _that’s my seat_  when she realized it really  _wasn’t_. But for some reason words just sort of came out any time she opened her mouth anyway.

“That’s not how it works, Sarah, you have to  _see_  the car before you call it!”

Another mischievous smirk over her shoulder and Sarah was sprinting, the other girls only frozen for a second before they were running too, bursting through the glass doors and through the chilly evening air.

…

“ _Oi_ ,  _Cos, turn your bloody phone off before I break it against th’ wall_.”

“Okayokayokay,” Cosima said quickly, trying to type out the rest of her sentence with one hand, taking another sip of bourbon with the other.

Sarah reached over and snatched the phone, Cosima trying and failing to take it back, her hand instead grabbing air. Shit. Maybe she was drunker than she thought. She put down her glass and frowned.

“Give it!” she protested, lunging from her spot on the couch on top of Sarah, who laughed and held it out in front of her, squinting at the screen. “Wha’? Wha’s Cos textin’ she doesn’t want me to see?”

Cosima blushed, shoving Sarah’s face down into the couch and stretching for the phone.

Alison giggled. “My goodness, she’s rather red, Sarah.”

“Sheisisshe?” Sarah’s muffled reply came, followed by a laugh that shook her whole body, nearly toppling Cosima off of her. Or at least enough so Sarah could come up for air. “Are ya bloody sextin’ in the same room as your friends?” she teased, grinning at Cosima.

Cosima looked like she was about to protest, when she stopped mid-breath, a little grin slipping on her face to mirror Sarah’s. Change tactics. “Maybe.”

 Sarah’s jaw dropped, and Cosima immediately grabbed the phone back, pressing her tongue to her teeth in a triumphant smile. “Holy watershed, Sar, such a gullible punk.”

She retyped the message ( _Have a good night, okay? I’ll, uhh, I’ll call you tomorrow. Sweet dreams)_  and sent it, promptly turning it off and chucking it back at Sarah, who snorted as she dodged it.

“There. Happy? Phone off.”

Sarah hummed as she took a longer drink, her free hand extending out and brushing a finger against Cosima’s cheek to trace her blush. “She’s got you bloody well worked up, dunnit she?”

Cosima blinked before swatting Sarah’s hand away half-heartedly. “Shut up, it’s the rum.”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “No it ain’t and ya know it.” She threw her hand up in a very Cosima-like fashion, letting her head roll back. “I mean Jesus man, I’ve uhh got such a thing for foreigners,” Sarah tried, her forced American accent faltering. “I’m surprised I haven’t jumped Sarah’s bones yet, ‘cause seriously, have you heard her voice? It’s totes eargasm worthy—“

“Sarah!” Cosima laughed, whacking her. “I do  _not_  sound like that!”

Alison laughed into her hand, swaying a little in her seat and sipping at her wine. “That was  _horrible_ , Sarah, goodness me. I mean, I will  _definitely_  give you points for vocabulary and sentence structure but…that  _accent_.” She giggled again.

“Well if you’re so damn sure, you give it’a shot, yeah?” Sarah rolled over onto her stomach, tilting her head in a challenge and not breaking eye contact with Alison as she took another drink.

“Alright.”

Alison cleared her throat, straightening her back a little before slouching forward, scowl and all. “Shu’up, S, I don’ need your shit right now, yeah?” Her head tilted threateningly. “An no I’m not bloody drinkin’ I’m wif Alison. Do ya really think that uptight bitch lets herself within twenty bloody feet of alcohol? I mean Jesus bloody Christ she’s the bigges’ rule follower in th’ whole goddamn universe, innit she?”

Cosima clapped; Beth laughed and joined in, both of them watching as Alison’s back once again straightened, a bright smile gracing both her lips and her eyes.

Sarah gave a dejected look. “Show off.”

“Sorry.” Alison’s apologetic look was sincere, and Sarah smirked enough to lighten the mood.

“Where’d ya learn that? You takin’ classes or somefin’?”

“Not exactly,” Alison giggled, finishing off the rest of her glass. “Felix needs help sometimes, when he’s covering for you when you go AWOL.”

Beth rolled her eyes. “It’s  _bloody_  annoying,” she added, trying not to smirk.

Alison shrugged. “So he helped me out with my accent. The mannerisms, however, I’m still trying to work out. He says I’m too…harsh.”

Sarah snickered. “You looked like you were ready to kill someone, Alison.”

“Yeah, well, where she lacks, I more than make up for,” Beth laughed.

She slumped back in her seat, spreading her legs and tilting her head ever so slightly forward. “Innat right?”

Sarah sat upright, some of her drink spilling. “I do not bloody look like that.”

A little noise beside her made her look over as she licked the rum off her hand. Cosima was curled up in a ball, laughing so hard she was close to tears. “ _Oi_ ,” Sarah protested. “Wha’?”

Cosima just shook her head until her silent laughter died down. She took a deep breath, another laugh escaping in her exhale. “That’s  _exactly_  what you look like.”

“It is?”

Cosima managed to nod. “Beth’s got q-quite theobeservationskills,” she slurred. “Ohshit. I think I’malittle drunk.”

Sarah shoved her shoulder lightly. “I don’t believe you. Do someone else, Childs. _Prove_ those skills.”

Beth sighed, sitting back up and looking between Alison and Cosima. She rolled her neck back and forth before stiffening it, jutting out her chin a little, clasping her hands in her lap and straightening her back.

A laugh burst from Sarah, and Alison stopped mid-sip to jerk her head to look at Beth. Beth jerked her head the same direction, the same fashion. Alison’s jaw tightened. “Elizabeth Childs, do not mimic me.”

Beth turned her neck back the other way, making sure it was sharp enough to flick her ponytail. She tilted her head ever so slightly, eyebrows quirking up and hand coming up to rest against her jaw. “I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about, Alison,” her pitch slightly higher than usual, a little more crisp.

Sarah was in hysterics, her and Cosima curling into themselves and trying not to outright cackle.

“ _Beth_.”

“What?”

They both huffed at the same time, which nearly sent Alison over the edge. Immediately Beth dropped the act, grinning and reaching out. “Don’t be like that Ali; y’know I love you.” She tucked some of Alison’s hair behind her ear, smiling warmly. “Especially all the quirks that make you… _you_.”

Alison tried not to smile, but ended up beaming down at her lap. “Well _alright_.”

“ _Myyyy_  turn,” Cosima said, shifting her weight as she adjusted herself on the couch, bringing her hands up. “Shit, no, that’s not right” she mumbled, dropping her hands down to the cushions beside her. “I’m Beth Childs and I’ll fuck your shit up. I’m the best frickin’ athlete in the least popular sport and somehow everyone in school loves me to bits for it. Ever wanna have a serious conversation? Too bad. I can manipulate the shit out of you into _forgetting_  you want a serious conversation because I’m the  _Queen_  of avoidance—“

A pillow hit her in the face.

Sarah snickered. “You’re wasted and Beth’s done.”

Cosima frowned, adjusting her glasses on her nose. “C’mon, I was totes justgetting started.”

“Nope. Done. Now let’s actually get to this movie, yeah? I think I’m drunk enough for it to be  _not_  painful. But I bloody well could be wrong.”

…

“Sarah,” Alison hissed, “What’re you doing?”

“ _Payback_ ,” Sarah whispered, grinning.

“I am  _not_  being a part of this.” She crossed her arms indignantly.

“Good. You can playth’ignorance card.”

Curiosity got the best of Alison, though, and she craned her neck to see what Sarah was writing. Her arms stayed firmly crossed, though.

 _Geek Monkey_  was written across Cosima’s forehead and  _Future Detective_ was scrawled along the back of Beth’s neck.

“They’re going to kill you,” Alison whispered. “Beth doesn’t want to be a cop.”

“Yeah well she’s in bloodydenial,” Sarah slurred.

She stood, her arms immediately flying out to steady herself. “ _Shit_ ,” she breathed.

Alison grinned. “You’re way drunk.”

Sarah ignored her, grabbing a bundle of yarn from a basket by the couch.

“What’re you doing?” Alison asked.

“Shhhh!” Sarah shushed, but she laughed, swaying and almost losing her balance. “You’ll see.”

She then proceeded to tangle their limbs together in a web of yarn, allowing all legs and arms enough free movement that they wouldn’t notice until they moved any large amount.

Alison squeezed her eyes shut. “I didn’t see that. No. I don’t know a thing. I don’t know  _anything_ about this—“

Her words came crashing to a halt at the lips on her cheek. “G’night ya lil shit,” Sarah murmured, crashing onto the couch beside her friend. It was only a matter of time before there was a constant, quiet snoring coming from Sarah’s general area.

Alison always drank the least at these little get-togethers, which usually also meant the last awake. Not because she didn’t  _enjoy_  drinking, but because she knew who she was. And what she did. And she  _knew_  she was susceptible to habit. She lived off it. She  _thrived_  off of repetition and predictability and she knew any alcohol habits she would fall  _hard_  into. She’d seen her mother do it a thousand times. It gave her a thousand reasons to never take that extra drink.

Not to say she wasn’t buzzed because she definitely was. Looking around at the sleeping figures, her gaze stilled on Beth. Her cheeks were flushed. By her face, her hand clenched and unclenched, her body stiffening a little. Alison reached out, rubbing slow circles on Beth’s back over and over, more and more softly until Beth’s muscles slowly started losing their tension.

Was Beth always like this in her sleep?

She found herself curious.  _Wanting_  to be there to see her sleep more often. To be with her every night just to see that cute face, wait…what? No. That’s not what friends thought of each other. Beth was a friend.

She glanced down to see her fingers tracing gently patterns against the skin of Beth’s neck. It felt so…nice. So…exactly what she was supposed to be doing. Her stomach lurched and she jerked her hand back. No.

No.

She was just going insane.

She couldn’t feel anything for Beth. That…that would be weird. That would be wrong. That…that would just be… _no_.

Even in the dark, she could still make out the outline of the half-finished bottle of wine.

Double no. No.  _Alison Hendrix. You are just drunk. You are just imagining things. Go to sleep. It’ll be better in the morning._


	15. Chapter 15

Cosima awoke to her stomach churning.

“Oh my God,” she moaned, rolling over and burying her face in her pillow. She tried to fight off the feeling, not having the energy to get up just yet, but her stomach persisted, bubbling uncomfortably.

“Shit,” she groaned, and got to her feet.

Or, at least, she tried.

“What?” she said out loud when she fell back on her ass. A quick inspection showed yarn, everywhere. Tangled around her limbs and preventing her from darting to the bathroom.

“Fuck!” she shouted, loud enough to startle Alison awake. “What?” slurred the other girl. “Wha’s goin’ on?”

“Alison, help me  untangle this shit. Like, now!”

Alison looked momentarily puzzled in her just awakened stupor. Cosima’s stomach heaved again.

“Alison, please, I’m going to throw up, I’m-”

Her face paled and she stopped talking, clamping her jaw firmly shut. “Oh,” said Alison. “Oh.” And then she was up and struggling with the yarn, tugging at it until it loosened.

“What’s happening?” Beth asked, stirring awake. She quickly noticed the yarn and frowned. “The hell?”

“Cosima’s going to throw up,” Alison provided in an almost eerily calm voice. Beth’s eyes went wide.

“Not on my parents’ carpet she’s not!”

But Alison was a pro when it came to yarn, and in the next second Cosima was free and running for the bathroom. The next instant found her heaving over the toilet bowl.

“Manning!” shouted Beth after Alison had untangled her, too, throwing a pillow at the sleeping girl.

“Huh’wha’?” Sarah startled awake.

Beth threw the tangle of yarn at her. “Cosima almost barfed on us because of you. Thanks.”

“Oho, shi’,” laughed Sarah. “Really?”

“Yes! Fuck you!” said Beth, but there was no real heat to it.

“Tha’s wha’ she gets for shavin’ off my brow las’ time.”

“You’ll pay, bitch!” shouted Beth, and then she and Sarah were wrestling and laughing.

Alison sighed, rolled her eyes and got up to do her morning stretches.

–

Cosima took a deep breath, closing the toilet lid and flushing it weakly.

So she did get as drunk as she’d thought last night, if this hangover was any indication.

She wiped a hand over her mouth and stood, taking in her image in the mirror over the sink. She scrunched her eyebrows at the ink on her forehead.

Geek Monkey.

She rolled her eyes, knowing immediately who was to blame. She rubbed at it with her palm, but that only succeeded in smearing the ink and mangling the words.

“Whatever,” she grumbled, and she washed her mouth out with some water.

In her pajama pants pocket, her phone rang.

She snatched it up immediately, not bothering to try and see who it was because she didn’t have her glasses on. “Hello?”

“Good morning,” came a gentle voice.

“Delphine, hey,” Cosima said, unable to fight a smile. “What’s up?”

“It is morning there, yes?”

“Yea.” Cosima made sure the bathroom door was locked, then sat on the toilet seat, scratching her face.

“Good. I just wanted to say good morning.”

Cosima smiled. “Well then. Good morning.”

She heard Delphine’s smile. She was beginning to like the sound.

“Good morning.”

–

“Oh look, she’s alive,” said Beth with a smile when Cosima finally left the bathroom. “You good, Cos?”

“Yea, I’m fine,” Cosima answered, picking her glasses up off the coffee table and putting them on. “I didn’t puke on anything valuable, if that’s what you’re really asking.”

“Excellent.”

“Nice ink,” said Sarah with a snicker.

“Thanks,” said Cosima sarcastically, and Beth giggled, her back to Cosima as she looked for the TV remote.

“What are you laughing at, asshole?” asked Cosima. “Looks like you got tatted up last night, too.”

“What?” Beth demanded, and Cosima gestured to the back of her own neck. Beth put a hand to the same place on her own body.

“Dammit, Manning!” shouted Beth, and now it was her turn to take off for the bathroom.

“Guess you were pretty busy last night then, huh?” asked Cosima, sitting cross legged beside Sarah.

“A trickster’s work is never done,” said Sarah dramatically.

“Whatever, dude.”

–

On Sunday Sarah went out to the local thrift store with a bit of gig money in hand, looking for something specific.

She went to the back, where a rack of coats hung. Most of them were too thin, or too small. Or they looked like someone might have been murdered in them.

She flipped bitterly through them, trying to find a coat that was at least semi-decent.

And then, she found it.

It was a dirty green color, with fur on the hood and the vague smell of low tide clinging to it. But it was big, and it was warm, and it would have to do.

So she bought it.

On Monday, she arrived at school a bit earlier than usual, knowing that Helena would still be walking with Felix.

She located the other girl’s locker easily, and a quick pull of the latch showed it was rigged to open without a combination. She knew it would be, considering this was how Helena completed most of her “deals.”

She hung the coat up, closed the locker door and walked casually away.

Nobody saw her do it.

And nobody had to know.


	16. Chapter 16

Alison shivered and pulled her arms closer to her body, trying to type as fast as she could on her phone so she could once again slip her fingers into her pockets.

_Hey. I had a wonderful time Sunday. I’m sorry I missed you this morning…Guess you already left. See you in class!_

She stuffed her phone and her hands back into her pockets, burying her nose into her scarf and picking up her speed once again. She should get a car. It’d be easier.

“Alison!”

She looked up, a smile slipping onto her face. “Hi, Felix, how are y—“

Her words died as he barreled into her, knocking the wind from her chest. She smiled and put her hand to the back of his head, pulling him a little closer to her. “G’morning, darling,” she said, smiling a little wider when he pulled back to look up at her.

“Morning! How was your weekend?”

Alison ruffled his hair. “Wonderful. Your sister was much less bitter than usual.  _And_  I didn’t have too much homework to deal with.”

“Awesome,” he said, taking her hand and tugging her in the direction of the middle school. “What’re ya doin’ comin’ this way?” he asked, pressing closer against her as they walked.

She took her eyes off him for a second to look where she was walking, blinking when she saw Helena. Had she been there the whole time.

“I, uhh,” she looked back over to him, smiling warmly and squeezing his hand with her left, her right hand coming up to hold the crook of his elbow. “I’m not allowed to check up on my favorite sister?”

He grinned. “I dunno, are you?”

“Smart mouth,” she muttered, nudging him with her shoulder.

“Thanks for carin’,” he added, after a moment of silence.

The way he looked down told Alison how hard it had been for him to even say that. He was, after all, raised in the same household as Sarah. Use sarcasm, wit, and backhanded compliments to survive.

“Hey, idiot, I’ll always care,” she tried, and at the little smirk that twitched up on his face for a second, she knew she’d done it right.

“When can we have a girls’ night?” he asked.

“Just you and me?”

“A’course. Do ya ‘fink Sarah’d wanna learn makeup tricks an’ make brownies and cry over a bloody sad indie film?”

Alison raised her eyebrows. “That coming from a boy who has a punk haircut and dark makeup and wears chains?”

“Excuse me,” he said, faux offended. “If  _you_  had a band image to keep up you’d be wearin’ the same bloody thing!”

She smirked. “I’m just kidding. I’ve seen you in some cute sweaters.”

“Really?” he snuck a glance at her.

“Yes. And I have to say those skinny jeans always look  _dashing_  on you. The ones that… _aren’t_  ten sizes too big.”

She playfully tugged at his beltloop and he batted her hand away. “Ge’off!” he laughed, jumping away when she went once again to pull his pants up. “Wha’ are you, my bloody mum?” he called over his shoulder as he ran.

“No, but I’m sure she agrees with me!” she retorted with a laugh, missing the belt loop a final time and giving up, slowing to a walk when she saw they were across from his school. “C’mere,” she waved, still a little out of breath.

He obeyed, and she went about adjusting his collar, flattening a few wrinkles as he tried to squirm away. “Hold still,” she swatted his hand away when he tried to readjust his vest.

He sighed, standing still as she aligned his sleeves and untucked the little part of his shirt that had gotten caught from the run.

“There.” She cupped his cheek, brushing her thumb against it. “Stunning as ever.”

“Shu’up,” he muttered, though she caught his hint of a smile as he shoved past her toward the school.

She watched as he ascended the steps, then paused, turning back around.

“Oi! D’ya know if Cos’d be free after school?”

Alison tried not to look confused. “I think so, yes. She doesn’t have her internship today.”

“Sick. Could ya…could ya tell her I wanna talk to her?”

She nodded. “Of course! We’ll all be outside the auditorium, okay?”

“’kay, see ya, sweetheart!” he called before running inside.

She shook her head with a smile. He was such a wonderful kid. When she was sure he was inside and safe, she continued walking to the high school.

“I see you are feeling better, yes?”

Alison jumped and yelped a little, her hand flying to her chest when she realized it was only Helena.

“Goodness. I, umm…I suppose so, yes.”

Helena smiled a little. “Good. More relaxed?”

Alison’s brow furrowed. What?  _Oh_. She had totally forgotten about the pills she had bought.

“Yes, I…Yes.” She left it at that. “Are you…doing alright?”

“I am doing quite vell, yes.” Alison wasn’t sure she believed her, but Helena was already continuing to speak. “You are very nice to heem.”

“Who…? Felix?”

Helena nodded much more enthusiastically than she needed to.

“Oh, well…I’ve known him for quite a while. He’s…he’s like my family.”

“Family?”

“Yes.”

Helena frowned. “But you are not his sister. Sarah is.”

Alison glanced at her. Of course she wasn’t  _really_  his family. How…how was she to explain this?

“You can make family who isn’t…your family, Helena. Family is…it’s where you feel you belong. It’s not who you live with, unless that  _is_  where you feel you belong. I…I feel good when I’m around him. I feel important and I enjoy his company and something feels less cold.”

She chewed at her lip. “He’s part of my family.”

“Is Sarah a part of your family?”

Alison smirked. “Despite her…rough tendencies, I would have to say yes. I cannot…picture my life without her.”

“Yes,” Helena nodded a lot again. “Yes.”

They approached the school and Helena turned to fully face Alison at the front door. “Thank you for keeping me company. You are good friend.” And with that she put her arms around Alison for a split second before disappearing into the school.

Alison stood there, stunned for a moment. Friend? All she had done was been…kind. Was that not common courtesy? Talk with someone whom you are walking with? She shrugged to herself and went inside.

…

Beth stared at the text bundled up under her covers. It was getting ridiculously hot under there but she couldn’t move. Even her eyes wouldn’t move away from the brightly light of her screen as she stared at the words.

_I had a wonderful time Sunday._

Tears slipped from her eyes, gravity dragging them over the bridge of her nose and down to her mattress. If only she knew.

_“Beth? Beth, come on. Please or we’re going to be late.”_

_“It’s ice skating, Alison, there’s no set time,” Beth muttered, but picked up her pace to keep at least a few feet behind her._

_“Yes but the longer we’re out here, the less time we have in there,” Alison persisted without looking back._

_Beth didn’t argue, adjusting Alison’s bag on her shoulder. What she didn’t do for this girl._

_They paid and set their things down, Beth going to the rental station and picking up a pair of skates in her size._

_“I told you I could lend you a pair,” Alison said when she sat back down._

_Beth grinned at her. “Yeah well I’m not going to be seen skating around in a frilly pair of skates.”_

_“They’re not frilly. They’re white.”_

_Beth laughed. “Fine, fine. I don’t mind renting, Ali.”_

_She slipped her feet into the skates and started to lace them up, only to have her hands batted away. “Hey!” she protested._

_Alison just shook her head. “No, no, dear, you never lace them tight enough and we always have to stop because your ankles hurt.” She got down on her knees in front of Beth and started lacing them up, yanking the skates tighter with every loop of the laces. Beth just stared down at her, unable and unwilling to really move._

_“Jesus you say that like we do this often.”_

_Alison glanced up at her, giving a quick smile. “Often enough.”_

_She moved onto the other skate, making quick work of it._

_“Then I don’t have to remind you I’m frickin’ horrible at this, right? Because I’m God awful.”_

_Alison laughed, patting Beth’s knees and standing up. “Maybe that’s why I like taking you. Maybe it’s good for me to see you fail so miserably at something.” She took Beth’s hands and pulled her to her feet._

_Beth hobbled along behind Alison to the rink, watching Alison step onto the ice like it was no big deal. She swore to God she didn’t know how people did it. Her balance was fine. She just could not for the life of her ever make herself go where she wanted._

_Hesitantly she put one foot on the ice, taking a deep breath. Man up, Childs, it’s for Ali._

_She quickly put the other foot on, immediately wobbling. Alison’s hands held her elbows firmly though._

_“You ready?”_

_The shining excitement in Alison’s eyes was enough to make her nod, and without having to be prompted, Alison kept her hands firmly clasping Beth’s forearms as she started skating backwards, pulling Beth along with her._

_The first few laps, Beth always just stared at Alison’s feet and the footwork she did. She always said it was so she could try to mimic it, but in all reality she just didn’t want to look into Alison’s face for that long. Well she did. But that was the problem._

_Eventually, she got the basics of it, like always. And it always seemed to take less and less laps._

_“Goodness, Beth, it’s only been a few laps!” Alison exclaimed when Beth gently pulled to a stop. “That was a_ wonderful _stop.”_

_The pride in her voice was unmistakable, and it made Beth’s chest hurt even more._

_“I, just, uhh…” Shit she wasn’t any good at this. “Don’t let go.”_

_She ran her fingers through her hair before nervously looking up at Alison, only to be met with a warm smile and even warmer eyes. “Of course not.”_

_Alison took only her hand this time, and they started another slow lap around the ice_.

She didn’t realize she was crying until she couldn’t see the message anymore, and she didn’t stop herself. Her body shook with every sob and eventually actual noises escaped with her cries. What was going on? Why did having such a good time make her feel so  _bad_? Why did she want the one thing she couldn’t have and why was that tearing her up inside?

She never used to be like this. She always had control of her emotions. She had never let things bother her and now every little thing had her on edge and unhappy and she couldn’t breathe anymore witout her eyes stinging. She tried to remember a time when she didn’t feel bad but the longer she thought and the less she could remember the worse she started feeling. Just end it, Childs. No one will care.

A knock on her door scared all the noise right out of her, though tears kept spilling out.

“Elizabeth? Are you alright?”

“Y-yeah, Mom. H-have a good d-day at work.”

She bit her lip, her body shaking with her held back sobs as she waited, breath held for some kind of response. But none came. The only sound she heard was that of the garage opening.

And the sobs were back as she flicked her covers off her head. She wiped her eyes uselessly as she stood, going to her underwear drawer and digging around for the bottles of pills.

It’ll be easier.

Her shaking hands opened the first bottle and dumped a good number into her palm. She continued to wipe her tears away in frustration with her other hand, sniffling and trying to compose herself. It wasn’t working. It hurt to cry but it hurt worse  _not_  to.

Her eyes flicked up to catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Pathetic. Horrid. Waste. She saw it etched in her eyes and her face and her lips and she just…

She knew most of it was her feelings for Alison. She  _knew_  that had to be it, but at the same time, she’d been feeling shitty for…a long time now. Too long. Way too long. She couldn’t remember the last time she cared about something and maybe this would help. Maybe she’d find something somewhere else to be happy about. Maybe she’d feel less like a fuck up and less like a shitty friend and a shitty person and she just needed to  _not_  be her. Just…

She knocked the pills back, staring into her bloodshot eyes and wiping at her blotchy cheeks again. But it only took a moment before she was reaching for the bottle again.

…

Helena walked toward the locker of her anonymous client, she checked both ways down the hall before opening it. But there was no money this time. She stood frozen, eyes locked on the coat. What was this? Was this some sort of…bargaining?

She frowned and picked it up, putting it to her nose and inhaling. Despite the slightly…off smell of it, there was something else. Something else familiar. She smiled into the fabric. Sarah. Sarah’s perfume.

She smiled and put the coat on, zipping it up and pulling her hands up into the too-long sleeves. She dug her teeth into her lip to contain her smile, but it was no use. She flipped the hood up, closing her eyes at the tingling sensation running up her arms. This was what it was like to be comfy. To be warm.

She shoved her hands into its pockets and started for the stairs. She did not care if she was inside. She was not taking it off. Ever.

…

Alison started to get worried when Beth was not in biology. And even more worried when she walked into lunch to see Sarah and Cosima alone at their table. She hurried over, putting her lunchbox on the table and sitting down. “Have either of you seen Beth?”

Cosima’s brow furrowed. “No. She…she wasn’t in French, actually.”

“Wa’n’t in Calculus either.”

“She doesn’t miss school, Sarah,” Alison said, worry straining her voice. “If she misses school she can’t go to cross country practice and the last time she did that she came over and cried for four hours. I…I don’t…she didn’t say anything about missing!”

“Alison,” Sarah reached out and put her hand on Alison’s arm. “Calm down, yeah?”

Alison took a deep breath in, letting it out slowly. “Yes, alright, I’m sorry.”

“When’s the last time ya saw her?”

“Yesterday! We spent all afternoon together and she didn’t say one word about—“

“ _Alison_ ,” Sarah said sternly.

“Yes, right, calm,” Alison repeated, clenching her jaw. “I…what if something happened to her? What if she was mugged on the way to school or-or she crashed her car or got hit by a drunk driver or—“

“Alright ya clearly can’t handle this right now.  _I’ll_  handle it, alright? Just gimme a few—“

But she stopped when her phone rang. She quickly pulled it from her bag, glancing down at the number. Her eyes flitted up back to Alison. “I…I’ll be right back, yeah?”

She looked to Cos. “Watch her, will ya?” she whispered as she got up, sneaking out of the cafeteria before any of the teachers could see.

She answered her phone. “What in the bloody hell, Childs? You’ve practically got Alison in bloody hysterics, what in God’s name are ya tryin’ to pull—“

“Sarah…”

Something in the way Beth’s voice shook made Sarah immediately stop. It immediately had her on edge.

“I…I fucked up. C…can you come get me?”

Sarah felt her chest tighten and her adrenaline kick in as all the scenarios played in her head. How was she going to get there quickly? She couldn’t steal a car. Well…she could, but… _Shit_. She hated getting amped up and she could already tell she was at the way her hands started shaking. The way her voice trembled as she answered. “Y-yeah I’ll be right there. Don’t move. Don’t…don’t do anyfing.”

She hung up and ran for the door, already dialing another number. “S? I’m sorry I…I know you’re at work but I…I really need ya to come get me.”


	17. Chapter 17

“Sarah!”

Siobhan’s voice was mostly stern as she pulled up to the bus pickup area instead of parking, rolling the window down to yell; but a hint of concern slipped through. “Someone better be dyin’, or I swear-”

Sarah pretended, for a moment, that the word “dying” didn’t exist. She blinked, and while her eyes were closed and it was nothing but darkness, death was just a figment of her imagination.

But then her eyes opened, and she remembered her pounding heart and her shaking hands and Beth’s trembling voice through the static of her phone and -

“Sarah?” Now Siobhan didn’t bother hiding her worry. “What is it, chicken? C’mon, get in the car.”

Sarah snapped back to reality. Why was she wasting so much time? Beth needed her.

She needed to go.

She ran up to the car and threw herself into the passenger seat. “Do you remember where Beth lives?”

“Of course. Sarah, what is-”

“I’ll tell you when we ge’ there,” Sarah said, fastening her seat belt. “Just, go. Hurry. Please.” Her voice shook dangerously.

So Siobhan did what she was told.

–

“Seriously? Now Sarah’s gone, too?”

Cosima looked around outside the auditorium, but there was no sight of the punk. Alison huffed.

“It was probably Beth that called her. They’re probably playing video games. It turns out cross country was cancelled, so Beth probably just decided not to come.” She shook her head. “Lazy.”

It was a feeble excuse. Beth never skipped just for the hell of it. But it was all Alison had to keep her heart from jumping out through her mouth.

“Haha, oh man, you’re probably right,” Cosima said. “Jerks.”

Just then, Felix arrived, smiling and waving.

“Hey, kiddo!” Cosima called brightly. “How you doin’?”

“Awright,” he said with a casual shrug. “Uh, Cos, I was wonderin’ if - if I could talk to you abou’… somefin’. In private.”

Cosima glanced at Alison, who just smiled encouragingly. “I’ll see you two later,” she said, and she ran her hand along the top of Felix’ hair in a motherly gesture before taking her leave.

Cosima smiled. “Let’s sit, shall we?”

–

The auditorium was dark and quiet. There was no rehearsal of any kind today, so it made a good spot for private chats.

“So, what’s up, Champ?” asked Cosima, nudging Felix’s shoulder gently.

For a moment, Felix found it difficult to speak. He hadn’t really… talked to anybody about this yet, and the idea of it had his jaw locking like it was wired shut.

“Bud?” Cosima urged softly. Her use of pet names almost made him want to cry. “What is it? C’mon, you can tell me.”

Just say it, Felix.

Don’t be such a pussy.

“Um, I was jus’ - jus’ wonderin’ when you, like… when you knew you… liked… y’know…”

“When I knew I liked girls?”

“Yea.”

“Hmm,” Cosima hummed thoughtfully. She opened her backpack, pulling out a packet of cookies and tearing it open as she thought. She took one, then offered the pack to Felix. He took one, too, nibbling on it noncommittally.

“I guess,” Cosima said when she’d finished her first cookie, brushing crumbs off her skirt, “that I kind of always knew, deep down. But I was… about your age when I really started to, like, notice.”

“Yea?”

“Yea. It was confusing too, because like, I liked boys. But I also really liked girls. But none of my friends ever talked about girls the way they talked about boys, you know? So it was hard.”

“Yea,” Felix said quietly, eyes downcast.

“So. Boys, huh?”

“Uh-huh.” He blushed.

“That’s cool. Boys are hot.” Felix snorted, spraying cookie-dust everywhere. Cosima grinned.

There was a silence as Cosima took a swig from her water bottle. Another thought popped into Felix’s head.

“How can I tell which boys like boys?” he asked. This was something that had been gnawing at him for weeks.

“Oho, man,” laughed Cosima. “That is the struggle, isn’t it?”

“Fuck yea.”

“I dunno about dudes, but with girls it’s really fucking hard. Like, there’s all these stereotypes about gay girls liking sports and being tomboys, but every time I meet a girl like that she’s straight as a board.” She crumbled the empty cookie pack in her hand. “I’ve got shit Gaydar, so.”

Felix snickered. “I fink you jus’ described Beth, actually.”

Cosima laughed. “I don’t know about Beth, man.” She took a bite of another cookie.

“She’s a mystery.”

–

They pulled into Beth’s driveway only a few minutes later, Siobhan having broken pretty much every law getting there.

“Sarah,” she said softly, watching the way her foster daughter’s jaw worked, as if she were trying hard not to cry.

Sarah turned to her, her expression pained.

“I fink Beth’s done somefin’ real bad, Mrs. S,” she said, and her chin began to quiver.

Siobhan reached out and squeezed her hand. “It’s all right, love. I’m here. You don’t have to do this alone.”

And Sarah was glad, because as much as she liked pretending she was grown up and independent and fully capable, the truth was, she wasn’t. She was just a kid, and this was deeper shit than any she had tried walking through before.

“Okay,” Sarah said quietly.

“Okay.”

She didn’t bother knocking, instead choosing to burst in through the front door as loudly as possible, Mrs. S right on her tail.

“Beth?” she screamed, but she got no answer.

“Elizabeth,” Siobhan called, but again.

No answer.

“Shi’,” mumbled Sarah. “Le’s, uhhhh, try her bedroom, yea?”

So they charged up the stairs two at a time, and when Sarah burst into Beth’s room, she was a mixture of relieved and terrified.

Beth sat on the floor, back against her bed, an empty bottle of pills clutched in her hand.

“Beth,” said Sarah, coming to crouch in front of her. She grabbed the hand that held the bottle, holding it up. “How many did you take, huh? Beth. How many did you take?”

Beth’s head lolled, eyes struggling to focus on Sarah. “A… lot,” she said quietly. “I fucked up, Sarah. I’m so sorry.” A harsh bark of a sob escaped her. Sarah put a hand to Beth’s neck, and the skin there was cold.

“Don’ apologize t’me, Childs,” she grunted. She turned to Siobhan, who was amazed at the strength she saw in the girl’s eyes. “Should we call an ambulance? Or should we jus’ drive her? Which’d be faster, y’figure?”

“This is me you’re talking to,” Siobhan said. “We’ll drive her.”

“Awrigh’, c’mon,” Sarah said, and she lifted Beth with surprising ease.

Beth moaned. “You can’t… tell the others.”

“Shhh. S’ok,” whispered Sarah as Beth buried her face in her neck.

“S’gonna be ok.”

–

“Ugh, Beth,” sighed Alison in frustration as she tried the girl’s phone for the third time with no answer.

“Where are you?”

–

Sarah paced the waiting room, running a hand through her hair every so often. Her arms shook from carrying Beth and from the remains of adrenaline running through her veins.

“You should call the others,” Siobhan said quietly from her seat. “They’ll want to know. Especially Alison.”

“I can’t,” Sarah moaned. “She doesn’t wan’ me to.”

“She clearly wasn’t in her right mind, Sarah. They deserve to know.”

“I’ll figure it out, awright?” Sarah snapped. “Jus’…. jus’ lemme fink for a minute. Jesus.”

“Hey,” Siobhan said, getting out of her seat to wrap her arms around Sarah. “She’ll be ok. Elizabeth’s a tough girl, you an’ I both know. She’ll pull through.”

Sarah sighed, scrubbing her hands over her face.

“Yea. Yea.”

She took a seat next to Siobhan in one of the hard plastic chairs. She rubbed her eyes, sighed. Pulled her phone out of her pocket. Put it back.

“Shi’,” she said with conviction. And then she pulled her phone out for a final time, dialed. She had to redial three times, her hands shook so bad.

“Hello?”

“Alison? I’s Sarah. Listen. I’s…. i’s abou’ Beth.”


	18. Chapter 18

Alison froze at the sound of Beth’s name from Sarah’s end of the line.

“Wh-what?”

Shit. Sarah felt that familiar tightness in her chest that told her she was way too close to this. She was  _way_  too deep in shit and she…she couldn’t do this. Despite her friendship to Alison, Beth…Beth was more important right now.

Sarah pressed her palm to her forehead, trying to will some kind of strength to speak.  _It’s better for both of them. Just_ _lie_. "She’s gonna be away for a few days, yeah?“

Alison ground her teeth until her jaw hurt, clenching her fist by her side. "Sarah Manning if you know where she is then you will  _tell_  me—”

“I, she…” Sarah winced. “She’s okay, a'right? Tha’s the important part, innit?”

Alison wanted to protest, but at the same time, Sarah wasn’t wrong. “Wh…Yes. I suppose. I…could you give her my love?”

Sarah rolled her eyes. This girl had to be bloody blind.

“Yeah.”

The intercom system turned on, a voice blaring from the speakers and she winced, trying to talk over it, “I uhh, I gotta go, Alison, I’ll see ya in a couple of days—”

“Sarah where are you?” Alison asked suspiciously.

“Nowhere. Just…I’ll see ya.”

She hung up before the nosy girl could fit in twelve more questions. She massaged her temples, taking a deep breath. Go get some food.

…

Mrs. S hung in the doorway of Beth’s hospital room, watching the girl tugging at the blanket in her lap, appearing to be doing anything to occupy her mind.

“Chicken?”

It took Beth a few moments to lift her gaze. She offered a half-hearted smile, but tears were already pooling in her eyes. “I’m under eighteen. T-they’re gonna call my parents, they’re gonna be pissed, I-I don’t, I can't—”

“No they’re not,” Siobhan said firmly, walking closer.

Beth blinked, her tears falling in two streaks down her cheeks. “W-what?”

“For all they bloody well know,  _I’m_  your mother.”

Beth didn’t understand. She just stared. “I lied.” Siobhan clarified.

“Wh…Mrs. S you could go to jail I’m not worth that you shouldn’t’ve done that they’ll find out,” Beth sputtered, running sentences together until all words died out completely, her jaw trembling as she tried to fight the appreciation building in her chest. She wasn’t worth the trouble.

Mrs. S leaned a little closer to her, looking back and forth as if she was checking for other people before whispering, “Fuck them,” a little smirk playing at her lips.

Shock flashed in Beth’s eyes and before she could stop it, a smile followed.

“There we go,” Siobhan murmured, reaching out and gently stroking under her chin.

The smile stayed for a moment longer before Beth dropped her gaze back to her lap. She felt too tired for conversation. Too tired to try and pretend she was okay.

But they only sat in silence for a few seconds before Siobhan spoke.

“Elizabeth, love, I only want you to know two things. One. I’m bloody well not gonna tell you any bullshit about it gettin’ better. But ya should know it gets…different. And different is sometimes enough to make it through the day.”

She sighed deeply, looking down at her purse in her lap. “Two. I’m not tellin’ ya that because it’s what the proper adult would say. It’s because I know what it’s like, chicken. I know what it’s like to live in fear everyday until you’re just tired of it all. When you want to curse it all to hell and then follow it into the darkness. And I bloody well know what it’s like to look in the mirror and wonder what I’m supposed to do. Or if I’m doin’ anythin’ right at all. Think it was my life goal to be a foster mother? Think it was my goal to raise a daughter that doesn’t follow any bloody rule there is to follow?” She laughed. “Well it wasn’t. That’s for sure, but I love ‘em to death an’ back. So I don’t mind it’s where I’ve ended up, 'f that makes sense.”

She shook her head a few times. “I dunno if it makes ya feel better or worse to know that no one ever really figures out what they wanna do or who they are, but it's…the truth. And at the risk'a soundin’ preachy, ya shouldn’t ever not talk to someone because ya think they don’t understand. Because I’ll always be here, love. Ya don’t have to say anything. I know sometimes that's…not what ya want. But y'know I don’t have a problem doin’ something with ya just to pretend everythin’s okay. Sometimes ya just need a distraction and I’d be there to live in that world with ya. Or I’d be there to lend an ear. I might look like a bloody fool of a parent, but Elizabeth you need to know I care—”

She looked up to see Beth, head tilted back, eyes closed tightly, a steady stream of tears running down her face.

“I’m sorry, chicken, I’ll leave you to—”

Beth’s hand shot out so fast she couldn’t finish her sentence. “Don’t”

…

Alison crossed her arms and paced. “What could possibly be going on?”

Cosima shrugged, pulling a few more dresses from her closet. “How should I know, Alison? You know  _more_  than I do at this point. Maybe Beth just needs her space.” She held up a dress in front of her in the mirror, tilting her head and frowning. She looked to Alison, who scrunched her nose up and shook her head. Cosima sighed and dropped it into the 'no’ pile.

“Space from what? From me? From us? It doesn’t make  _sense_.”

Cosima tried to hide her skeptical look as she pulled her shirt over her head. “Uhh, Beth hasn’t exactly been right in a while.”

“What do you possibly mean by that?”

“She hasn’t been nearly as talkative. Kinda just throws the attention off her the second it’s there with a joke or some shit. I don’t think I’ve really heard anything about Beth  _from_  Beth in…a few months.”

“So?” Alison asked indignantly. “She doesn’t share that much. What’s the big deal?”

Cosima shrugged. “It’s probably nothing. I just…I remember her being more like…open before, y'know? She doesn’t exactly smile until someone’s directly focusing on her. I just…maybe she’s off or something.”

She glanced over to see Alison’s horrified expression. “I could totes be wrong, Alison, shit, don’t throw a fit.”

She pulled at her dress to get it straight across her chest before turning to face Alison, lifting her hands in a question.

Alison surveyed her for a moment before nodding. “Please wear tights or something. It’s freezing out.”

Cosima rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, mom.”

“And come here.” Alison gestured with both her hands toward herself.

Cosima followed reluctantly, grunting when Alison pushed her to sit on the floor. “I’m doing that braid thing with your hair, okay? You always look so beautiful like that.”

Putting her glasses back on, Cosima tried not to blush. “You think so?”

“Yes,” Alison said, already gathering sections of Cosima’s hair. “I think Delphine will too.”

Cosima made a face. “Shut up.”

…

Sarah came back in to find Mrs. S sitting up at the head of the hospital bed, Beth nestled in front of her, the girl leaning back to rest her weight fully against Mrs. S as they sat. In Beth’s lap was a chess board, Mrs. S leaning forward to rest her chin on Beth’s shoulder as she thought. Her one hand stayed wrapped around Beth’s stomach, the other reaching out to move a piece.

“You little shit, you knew it’d be hard for me to play backwards, didn’t ya?” she mumbled.

Beth chuckled a little. “ _No_ ,” she protested, sighing a little and relaxing back into the motherly figure. Siobhan smiled and kissed her hair for a moment before poking her side once. “Oi, go. Don’t think I don’t see that sneaky plan to distract me.”

“Am I interruptin’ somefin?” Sarah asked, smirking and tilting her head.

Beth shook her head. “No. Just…passing time.”

Sarah’s smirk turned into a genuine smile as she walked forward a few more paces. “C'mon, Siobhan,” she laughed. “Always so bloody predictable.”

She pointed to one of Beth’s pieces. “You should move that one. She’ll have you fucked up the ass if you don't—”

“Watch your language, missy.”

Sarah laughed, putting her hands up defensively, in turn lifting up the bags she held too. When they both looked to the items, she dropped her hands once again, hunching her shoulders a little. “I, uhh…I got ya some food. I…di'n’t know 'f you were allowed t’ eat yet though so I…got some crushed ice from the cafeteria.”

She dug around in one of the bags and pulled out a cup, offering it to her friend. Beth took it, giving her best appreciative look to Sarah, knocking back the cup and chewing some of it. “You, uhh, you didn't…tell anyone…did you?”

Sarah caught Mrs. S’s eye for a second before shaking her head. “No.”

She winced when her phone went off. Clumsily, she dropped the bags, digging around in her pockets for her phone. At the sight of Alison’s caller ID, she immediately switched it off.

“Who was it?” Beth asked over the rim of the Styrofoam cup.

“No one,” Sarah rubbed the back of her neck. “I…I got cards. We’ve got a while before you get outta here.”

Beth frowned. “What? I’m fine. Why can’t we go home?”

Sarah looked away uncomfortably. Mrs. S took the lead. “You’re on suicide watch, chicken.” She gently tucked some hair behind Beth’s ear. “They can hold you for seventy-two hours minimum.”

“Oh…”

Beth bit her lip, brow furrowing. Maybe it was better that way. She still felt like shit.  "Okay. You…you guys won’t leave, will you?“

Both of them shook their heads at the same time.

"We gotcha, Childs,” Sarah mumbled, briefly making eye contact before cuffing her shoulder.


	19. Chapter 19

“I’m gonna throw up.”

“You will not,” Alison said curtly as she braided Cosima’s hair.

“I’m so nervous,” Cosima went on. She grinned. “What if I throw up on her?”

Alison allowed herself a small giggle. “You’re ridiculous.”

“I know.”

There was silence for a moment as Alison continued her work. “You know, you’re much better than Sarah at sitting still.”

Cosima snorted. “Duh. You use the word “girly” within ten feet of Sarah and she’ll be on a bus to the next city before you know it.”

“That’s true.”

Cosima sighed, her smile fading, and her hands began to fidget nervously.

“All right, enough,” sighed Alison, pausing her work to lay her hands on Cosima’s. “She’s going to love you, ok? You’re wonderful.”

Cosima blushed. “You think?”

Alison put a bobby pin between her teeth and set back to work. “Of course. Now for the love of all that is holy, quit fidgeting.”

–

Siobhan left Sarah at the hospital with Beth, heading to the house to check on Felix.

“I’m home!” she called, and she found him sprawled on the couch in front of the t.v.

“Oi, oi,” Felix greeted.

“Sorry’m late, love,” she said, moving his feet so she could sit and then placing them on her lap. “Work went later than expected. Sarah’s stayin’ at Beth’s, but I’m sure you figured that.”

“S’ok,” Felix said, smiling at her. “Cosima hung ou’ wiff me for a li’l while.”

“Oh yea?” She squeezed one sock-clad foot. “What did you two get up to, hmm?”

“Nuffin’ much,” he mumbled with a yawn.

“I think it’s time for bed,” said Siobhan.

“Naw. M’no’ tired.”

“Ok,” said Siobhan, disbelief in her voice. “If ya say so.”

Ten minutes later she carried his sleeping form up to his room.

He might have been too old for it.

But tonight, Siobhan didn’t care.

–

Sarah sat in the chair by Beth’s bedside, unwilling to leave her side for even a moment. The events that had transpired had awoken something powerful inside of her; some fierce lioness that needed to protect her loved ones at all costs.

She needed to protect Beth, she thought.

But how could she protect her from herself?

“Sarah?” said Beth quietly from the bed.

“Mmm,” Sarah said, startled from her reverie. She lifted her head from her hand. “Mmmyea, wassup?”

“You just looked… I dunno.”

“I’m ugly, I know. You can say i’.”

“Shut up!” laughed Beth.

Sarah chuckled. Then, suddenly, abruptly, tears were clogging her throat, sobs gripping her chest.

She couldn’t breathe.

She needed to leave.

She couldn’t let Beth see.

“Uhhh, I’ll be righ’ back, yea?” she grunted, her voice coming out all garbled and strange. Beth furrowed her brow. “Yea, ok. Um… Come back… soon, ok?”

Sarah barely made it out the door before the emotions took hold. All of the fear, confusion, adrenaline was catching up to her, gripping her body in a tight hold. She couldn’t move, couldn’t think. Could only sink to the floor, trying not to let the sound of it escape her, clamping her hands so tightly over her mouth that her teeth dug into the inside of her lip.

Despite Sarah’s best efforts, Beth rolled over in bed and ran a hand over her face as the sobs leaked in through the crack of the doorwall.

Fuck.

–

Cosima stood around awkwardly in the gymnasium, having arrived a bit early. She tugged at her dress, wondering briefly if she was a bit overdressed. She probably looked silly.

Oh God.

Breathe, Niehaus.

Jesus.

She was about to go for another drink of punch when the doors to the gymnasium opened. In walked a tall white-haired man, most likely a teacher, that she’d never seen before. He went up to her teacher and they shook hands politely. Following the man were who Cosima presumed to be the exchange students.

She watched them file in, one by one, but none of them were Delphine. She wasn’t sure how she knew. She could just…

Feel it.

And then.

Oh, and then.

And then she came into the room.

And it was like sunlight at 3 am, like music after years of silence.

She was beautiful, of course, just like Sarah predicted. Long legs and golden curls, she practically glowed.

Suddenly, instead of feeling overdressed, Cosima felt meager.

“Cosima.” It was not a question. Delphine could tell it was her. She could feel it, too.

“Delphine,” Cosima replied, her voice a strained whisper. “Hey.”

Delphine held out her hand. “Enchantee.”

“Uh, oh… yea. Enchantee.” They shook. Delphine’s hand was so warm and so soft and maybe it was because her parents didn’t pay enough attention to her or maybe it was because she hadn’t gotten laid in three months but Cosima didn’t want to ever let go.

“Oh, sorry,” said Delphine, and her voice startled Cosima into finally releasing her hand. “I’m… only supposed to speak English. I’ve already messed up.” She giggled, and it sounded even better than it did over the phone.

“No, no! It’s cool, don’t worry. I won’t tell.”

Delphine grinned.

Christ.

Her smile looked even better than it sounded.

**  
  
**


	20. Chapter 20

After Cosima left, Alison found herself without anything to do. And nothing to do meant wandering thoughts and wandering thoughts meant  _worries_.

So when six o’clock turned to seven turned to eight and she still had nothing to do, she flitted about the house, switching between studying things she already knew to cleaning to extra practice problems to flicking through TV channels and then just to pacing.

Beth had to be alright. Sarah wouldn’t lie about that. Why was she so worried? Why was she so  _scared?_  Were her feelings real? No, they couldn’t be. She had so many other important things to worry about. Liking Beth couldn’t be one of them.  _Wasn’t_  one of them.

She shook her head and pressed her hand harder into her cheek, counting her steps as she walked. It kept her mind busy. Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth.

She got to seventy eight before bursting into tears.

…

Cosima followed Delphine about the gym, happy to be introduced to all her other French friends in the program. She gave her polite waves and boring introductions, all the while sneaking glance after glance at this beautiful woman.

And it dawned on her she had no idea what the  _fuck_  she was going to do. How she was possibly going to go a week without making a fool of herself.

She pushed the worries away, though. Worries tainted things. A few more minutes though, and she saw Delphine starting to yawn.

“Did you, uhh…wanna go?” she asked, looking around at the still fairly large crowd.

Delphine bit her lip (Lord have mercy), her eyes glancing from group to group.

“If….if you do not mind. The flight was…rather long.”

“Yeah, totes, c’mon.”

“I…you have said this before, mais…Totes?”

Cosima looked up in confusion before blushing and looking back down. “Shit, yeah, uhh…totally. I-it means totally.”

Delphine tilted her head, taking in Cosima’s flustered appearance. She reached out and brushed her cheek with the back of one of her fingers. “It is okay, Cosima,” she said quietly, or as quietly as the gym will allow, “we’re learning together, are we not?”

Cosima didn’t know how she didn’t jump at the contact. Or blush deeper. Or go on a babbling monologue. But she didn’t. She managed to look up at Delphine and her warm eyes and smile right back. To  _grin_. “Yeah. Guess that’s the point of this.”

“Bien. Merde.  _Good_.” She giggled. “Now take me home, please.”

They checked in with Cosima’s teacher to make sure they knew Delphine was accounted for, but as she turned to leave, Cosima felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned back, brow furrowing. “Have you seen Beth?” the teacher asked. “She never showed up.”

“I…” Cosima tried her best to forget the look on Sarah’s face when she had gone to answer her phone that afternoon. “No, I really…don’t know. Sorry.”

She offered an apologetic smile before going back to Delphine’s side and starting the walk home. For a few paces, she was terrified they would have nothing to talk about, but that quickly faded.

“What do you do?” Delphine asked. “Merde, I mean outside of school.” She put her hand to her forehead in a forgetful gesture, an embarrassed smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. “I swear those words were a part of the sentence in my head. They just never…made it out.” She laughed and Cosima felt her insides shaking with it.

Jesus that laugh.

“I, uhh…I actually have an internship at this local research lab. I don’t exactly get to do anything important. I just do like all the busy work, y’know, clean glassware and prep PCR buffers and nucleotide solutions and stuff like that. But, I uhh, I really like it.”

“Vraiment?” Delphine’s eyes lit up. “I would love to work in a lab. It’s…it’s what I want to do when I get older.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Cosima laughed. “No way. I don’t believe you.”

“It’s  _true_.”

“Bullshit.”

“My hand to God. It is my dream.”

Cosima’s fingers fidgeted in her pockets, and it took all her will not to say _mine too._

…

A few minutes more of listening to Sarah cry and Beth had had it. She grabbed a few tissues, grabbed her IV stand, and with some effort sort of dropped herself out of bed. She shuffled to the bathroom door, leaning her weight into the IV stand as she waited there, trying to decide whether or not to make her presence known.  Another quiet sob decided it for her.

“Hey Manning, stay in there all night and I guarantee I’m gonna piss all over you they’ve got so much fluid running through me.”

She heard a startled noise and nudged the door open. Sarah looked to be torn between trying to wipe her tears away and trying to stand up, one wrist frozen under her eye, one foot planted on the ground like she was ready to stand. But, caught, her eyes faded with defeat and she slumped back against the wall, sniffling once. With some expert maneuvering, Beth sat down next to her. For a long time they just sat there, Sarah trying to collect herself and Beth trying not to break down.

She hadn’t meant to hurt anyone. Quite the opposite. She had wanted to save everyone the trouble and herself the struggle. She tried to inhale, but it was so shaky she realized she was crying. Shit, no. But her eyes continued to leak as she closed them tighter and fought.

“No, don’ do that,” Sarah said quietly. Almost desperately, as she felt her own jaw starting to ache again.

“It’s not your fault,” Beth mumbled, her words trembling. “It’s not your fault.”

Sarah shook her head, clenching her jaw once and looking up at the ceiling. “I should’ve bloody seen it. Ya migh’ as well’ve been screamin’ it and I was too wrapped up in my own shite to so much as  _ask_ —“

“It’s  _my_  fault,” Beth pressed through her tears, much louder than she had intended. “Don’t take this on, Sarah.”

“Why  _not_?” Sarah asked. “you’re my friend an’ I couldn’t look after ya. That’s on me.”

Beth wiped at her eyes. “You’re here now. That’s…that’s all that matters to me.”

Of all things, Sarah didn’t know why  _that_  was what set her off again, but tears were coming and coming way faster than she could wipe them away, and before she could move, Beth was shifting closer, burying her face into the crook of her neck, arm wrapping tight around her waist. Sarah wrapped her arm around her friends back, letting her chin drop to the top of Beth’s head as she cried a few more scared tears.

How long they stayed like that, Sarah wasn’t sure, but she knew Beth fell asleep. And she knew it had to have been a while, for Mrs. S returned later with her backpack and breakfast. With her foster mother’s help, they managed to get Beth back into bed without waking her.

“Thanks, S,” she mumbled with her mouth full as she all but inhaled the muffin.

“Don’t want a starvin’ child goin’ to school,” Siobhan murmured, going through Sarah’s backpack once more to make sure she had gotten everything. “You gonna be able to focus, love?”

Sarah looked up, confused by what she meant before she realized Mrs S had meant school. “Yeah. You’re here with her.” She paused, waiting to swallow the rest of her bite before adding. “Best hands she could be in.”

She didn’t let the sentiment settle though as she got up, shoved the rest of the muffin in her mouth and grabbed her backpack. “Be back in a lil,” she said, giving Siobhan a kiss on the cheek and practically flying out the door.

…

“How did you sleep?”

Delphine smiled to herself as they walked. “Well, thank you. Though I have to say I missed home much more than I thought I would.”

“Yeah, I uhh, I’m worried about that for when I leave.”

“Will you miss your parents?”

Cosima shook her head, scrunching her nose a little. “Nah. Mostly my friends. They’re uhh, they’re important to me.”

Just then she saw Alison and her eyes widened. She grabbed Delphine’s elbow and yanked her through the nearest door, which happened to be the auditorium.

“Was that one of your  _important_  friends,” Delphine teased.

Cosima smirked, shoving her a little. “Shut up.”

“Are you afraid of the stories they will tell me?”

Cosima looked through the crack in the door as she spoke. “Priorities,” she said quietly. “I’m afraid of their embarrassing personalities. I don’t want to even  _imagine_  the stories they’d tell you if you managed to  _not_  run for the hills the moment you met them.”

“I am sure they’re not that bad,” Delphine whispered, pressing a little closer to see out the door as well.

“Yeah well maybe I’m being selfish and hoarding you to myself for a few days.”

She hadn’t meant to say it but the words were out there and she was cursing and blushing and horrified at the stirring in her stomach. Way to go, Niehaus.

“Uhh,” she cleared her throat, “Coast is clear.”

She couldn’t have barreled out of that room faster. But Delphine was right at her side. They walked in silence for a few moments, but as they neared the classroom, Delphine bent forward a little to be more on Cosima’s level. “I do not mind being hoarded,” she murmured, lips brushing Cosima’s cheek as she stood up.


	21. Chapter 21

Lunch time was gonna be a total drag. There, meeting her uncouth friends would be unavoidable. Sarah was definitely going to make a scene, going on about how hot Delphine was. Alison would probably talk about Cosima’s “terrible” recreational habits.

And Helena…

Was Helena a part of their group now?

She figured it couldn’t hurt. It seemed like the girl could definitely use some friends.

But maybe it was best if Delphine didn’t meet her for a little while.

The dread of lunch was momentarily forgotten when Delphine touched her hand from the desk beside her.

“I never got to tell you,” said Delphine, “but it is, merde… it is so good to meet you… to see you.”

“Yea,” mumbled Cosima, blushing. “Ditto. Obvs.”

There was a pause, and then Delphine huffed.

“I am not even going to pretend I understood that.”

Cosima laughed.

“Sorry. I meant: Me, too.”

–

Sarah sat at the group’s table, picking at her fries. The muffin she’d inhaled earlier was starting to roll uncomfortably in her stomach. She hadn’t showered, she hadn’t slept, and Beth’s scared voice kept ringing in her ears.

Sarah…

I…

I fucked up…

Sarah…

“Sarah!”

“Huh?” her head shot up. Had she really started dozing in the middle of the lunchroom? Jesus, get it together, Manning.

“You look like shit, man,” said Cosima casually.

“Wow, fanks so much,” grumbled Sarah sarcastically, but she forgot her irritation because at that moment a beautiful blonde girl with the prettiest face Sarah had ever seen took a seat next to Cosima.

“Uh, Cos?” whispered Sarah, as if the girl couldn’t hear her. “Who’sis?”

“Oh,” said Cosima around a mouthful of salad, hand waving. “Sorry. Sarah, this is Delphine.”

“No shi’!” Sarah’s eyes went wide. “You serious?”

“Um, yea? Serious as a heart attack.”

Delphine furrowed her brow at the phrase, but otherwise looked pleasantly unconcerned. “It is wonderful to meet you, Sarah,” she said.

“Oho man,” laughed Sarah. “Beth owes me so much money-”

“Sarah, for fuck’s sake,” moaned Cosima. Sarah went silent, but not because of Cosima’s unhappy sentiment. Instead, her eyes got sort of weird and faraway. Cosima frowned, slowed her chewing.

“Sarah?” she asked. “Dude, what’s wrong?”

“Uhhhh, nuffin’,” Sarah said. “Nuffin’. So, uh Delphine. How’s Cos been treatin’ ya? I know she can be kind of-”

“Sarah.” Cosima’s tone was one of warning.

“Wha’? I’m jus’ makin’ sure our new friend is looked after. Tha’s all.”

“Yea, ok.”

Just then Alison arrived, and Sarah felt herself falling silent at the sight of her. God. Was she doing the right thing, keeping this from all of them?

She sure as shit hoped so.

“Sarah, you look like you haven’t slept in years,” she said as she sat beside Sarah.

“Jesus, wha’ is this? ‘Point Ou’ Sarah’s Flaws Day’?”

“Yea, you didn’t get the memo?” laughed Cosima.

“Don’t tell me you were out partying all night again. Sarah, you -”

Suddenly, Sarah couldn’t do it anymore. Her temper flared and she couldn’t sit here anymore knowing what she knew. “I wasn’t, ok? Jesus. Can’ you have a li’l faith in me?” And then she slammed her hands down and stood. “I’m no’ hungry. I’ll see you guys la’er.”

And then she left.

“Jesus Christ,” said Cosima. “What’s her deal, anyway?”

“She seems sad,” Delphine offered up.

Alison watched their friend go with an indiscernible look on her face.

“Nah,” said Cosima.

“She’s Sarah. Sarah doesn’t do ‘sad’.”

–

“Sarah!”

Oh, Jesus. Not now.

“Sarah!” The accent was unmistakable, and Sarah started to walk faster, pretending she hadn’t heard. But Helena was persistent, and social cues were clearly not her forte, as she was walking next to Sarah in no time.

“Not now, Helena,” said Sarah quietly. She was trying hard not to lose it. Why couldn’t they see that everything was not all right? That everything was fucked up and shitty and it didn’t feel like they’d ever be the same again?

And then she realized.

This must have been how Beth felt.

It hit her hard, in the stomach. God, she was a shitty friend. Beth had felt like this for God only knows how long, and she hadn’t noticed.

She was the fuck-up to end all fuck-ups.

“Sarah,” said Helena again.

“For fuck’s sake, wha’, Helena?” roared Sarah, stopping in her tracks to stare the other girl down. She’d thought it’d be impossible to intimidate Helena, and yet there she stood, eyes wide, cowering.

All because Sarah’d raised her voice.

“I-I’m sorry,” said Helena quietly, looking at the ground. “I just… vanted to say thank you. For thee… Jacket. I know you vanted it to be anonymous, but… I know it vas you. Thank you. Sorry. I vill go now.”

It was only as Helena scurried away down the hall that Sarah noticed she was wearing the jacket she’d bought at the thrift store.

She felt suddenly terrible for yelling.

She was such a shitty person, and she just couldn’t make herself stop.


	22. Chapter 22

Felix flipped his bangs out of his eyes, surprised when he looked both ways out front of the high school to find no one was following. No one was following him. No one was even paying any mind to him. He grinned to himself, hooking his thumbs into his backpack straps and starting toward the high school. He got there within a few minutes, just as their bell went off, and he took a seat on a bench in the lobby. Watching all the kids walk by in waves, he swung his legs back and forth, scanning the faces until she saw a familiar one. His face brightened and he waved, Alison walking over.

“Hi, sweetheart,” she exclaimed, swinging her backpack off her shoulder and sitting down, twirling her ponytail around her finger to fix any stray hairs back into place. “What brought you here?”

He shrugged. “Mrs. S innt gonna be home. She told me this mornin’ before she left.”

Alison’s brow furrowed. “She left before you?”

“Mhm.” He nodded, chewing on the string of his hoodie. “She looked really tired last night from wha’ I saw of her.”

She scrunched her nose and yanked the string from his mouth. “You were by yourself all night?”

“Mostly. She came home b’fore I went to bed. But she smelled bad. Like alcohol.”

“What?” she asked, horrified. “Was she drunk?”

His brow furrowed and he looked over at her. “Wha’? Oh, no, y’idiot. The cleanin’ kind.”

Everything was coming together and Alison’s chest started tightening faster and faster until she had to expel all the air in her lungs. Hospital. _Hospital_.

Clearly that was the conclusion Felix came to as well, for he kept talking. “That bloody smell always makes my skin crawl from when Sarah had to get’ trea’ment for ‘er addiction.” As if she didn’t feel bad enough, all those horrible nights from freshman year came back. From when Sarah’s withdrawl got so bad she shook and sweat and cried every night. When she woke up screaming and nearly took out three nurses just to get out.

She shook her head. They were speculating. They  _had_  to be, Beth wasn’t… she…was…?

“Alison?”

The worried waver in his voice made her look over sharply, the movement spilling tears onto her cheeks she hadn’t noticed collect in her eyes.

“I’m fine, Felix, I’m…” She wiped her eyes in two quick swipes, expertly and without smudging anything. “Will you be okay alone again today?” she asked, standing and slinging her backpack back over her shoulders.

He stood too, brow still furrowed, uncertainty in his eyes. “Yeah, Alison, I’ll be fine, but…”

“But nothing, Felix, be safe,” she said distracted, putting her hand on his shoulder as she passed.

…

Cosima sat cross-legged on the counter, Delphine beside her, legs hanging over the edge. Take-out containers were thrown to the side, both of them with plates on their laps.

“You better enjoy this,” she laughed, picking some pasta up with her chopsticks, holding it in front of her mouth before adding, “it’s the best meal you’re gonna get all month.”

Delphine tilted her head, brow furrowing before she tried to answer, then remembered the food in her mouth, then started to laugh, trying to cover her mouth and laugh and finish the bite so she could actually talk.

And Cosima’s cheeks hurt from smiling so much.  Finally Delphine seemed to have a hold of herself, slowly lowering her hand down. “And why is this my best meal?”

“’Cause I can’t cook for shit.”

She took another bite.

“You say that like you are the only one here,” Delphine said.

Cosima looked around the almost deathly quiet home, her eyebrows raising up. “You’ve been here almost two nights, yeah? Well like…one day and then an extra sleep. Have you seen anyone?”

Delphine shook her head.

“And I’d totes get you take out all month, but I just used the last of my money for this, so…We’ll kinda have to improvise. If that’s cool with you.”

Delphine licked her lips, smiling down at her plate. She did not want to bring back up the fact Cosima spent all her money on her, but the thought had her chest in a strange sort of aching place. Not the bad kind, but simply a…different kind. Instead she chose to add, “Well you are in luck, Cosima.”

She tilted her head to throw a bright smile Cosima’s way. “I am fairly decent at cooking. Or…enough so that we will not starve, oui?”

A smile tugged at Cosima’s lips before she really allowed it to show, and she nodded just a little. “Oui. And, I uhh…if you wanted to stay in my room we could totes drag the pull-out in there. If that’ll…uhh…help you feel less…alone?”

Delphine realized she was talking about their conversation earlier, and she grinned. “I like that idea, yes.”

…

Sarah groaned and stretched at the foot of the hospital bed, her feet coming to rest on either side of Beth’s hips. “Get your nasty feet off me,” Beth laughed, shoving them down with her hands.

“Or wha’?” Sarah laughed, pushing them up higher until Beth had to grab them to keep them from getting to her arms.

“Ew, God, they’re all sweaty,” she laughed, pushing them harder until Sarah nearly fell off the bed.

“Oi, no rough-housin’” Mrs. S chastised as she re-entered, sandwiches from the shop across the street in a plastic bag. “I leave for two minutes and you’re goofin’ off like a buncha teenage boys.” Still, a smile flashed in her eyes.

Beth pointed at Sarah. “She started it.”

“Oi!” Sarah laughed, “Don’t you go playin’ the sick card, now.”

“Never,” Beth said overdramatically.

Siobhan smiled as she pulled out the sandwiches and handed them around. “Good to see ya feelin’ better, love.”

Beth nodded a little as she unwrapped it. “I mean there’s good days and bad days, y’know? And nights are worse. But even with all that umm…extra shit out of my system the doctors said withdrawl’s gonna be a bitch so I have all that to look forward to.”

“How long have you, uhh…been takin’ ‘em?”

“Six months,” Beth said, her mouth full.

Sarah sighed. “Could be worse.”

“That’s what I keep reminding myself.” There was a beat of silence. “How was school?”

Sarah looked up at her, eyebrows raised. “How do ya think?”

Beth tried not to smirk as she shrugged, “I wouldn’t have asked if I knew.”

“It was enrichin’ and eye-openin’ an’ I am changed forever ‘causea what my teachers said.” She paused. “No wait, it bloody sucked.”

Beth snorted, nearly choking on her bite. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“No you’re not, ya bitch,” Sarah muttered.

Mrs. S stood. “Anyone want a drink?”

“Oh! Gimme a Coke, will ya?” Sarah asked quickly, then after reevaluating her tone she added a sheepish smile, running her fingers through her hair and tilting her head. “Uhh…please?”

Beth tried not to snicker. “Same?” she asked as politely as she could manage.

Mrs. S gave Sarah a warning look before slipping out the door.

“You’re on her watch list,” Beth teased.

“Sing a bloody new song,” Sarah mumbled through her bite.

“Sarah?”

The hesitation hung in her voice, immediately gripping Sarah’s chest and forcing her eyes up. “Yeah, Beth?”

“Thanks. I…” She ran her fingers through her hair the same time Sarah did. “I don’t think I would’ve made it without you.”

Sarah tried to take a breath but her body wasn’t allowing it. She reached out, putting her hand on Beth’s knee. “All I did was answer a bloody phone, it’s no big—“

“Not just…I mean yeah I wouldn’t have made it through last night but I…uhh…I don’t think I would’ve made it through today either. Or even have considered making it past tomorrow or…or…”

She frowned and looked down at Sarah’s hand, hesitating before putting her hand over it, lacing their fingers together. “Thanks for, umm…” she put the tips of her fingers to Sarah’s before relacing them, running her thumb along Sarah’s palm. “for giving me a reason to live even if it’s uhh…short term deal kinda thing.”

She squeezed her eyes shut, in turn squeezing Sarah’s hand. “And I…I don’t want you thinking you’re failing when I have bad days, okay? ‘Cause I’m gonna have ‘em and they’re gonna be coming up soon and fast and  _hard_  and I just…I don’t want you feeling shitty because you think you can’t do anything.”

She sighed and managed to open her eyes, really looking at Sarah. “I need you to believe that even when I’m crying or angry or… _whatever_  that it’d…be a whole lot worse without you.”

Sarah stared hard at her for a long few seconds before she slowly nodded, swallowing and giving the smallest smile, her eyes starting to burn a little. “Yeah. “

She cleared her throat, and both of them dropped their gazes, falling into silence.

“So…are we done with all the touchy-feely shit?” Sarah asked, trying her best not to smirk.

Beth caught it though, and one of her own formed. “Yeah I’d say that’s enough for today.”

“Good, ‘cause it’s bloody well taxin’.” She lifted Beth’s hand up kissed it once and threw it nonchalantly back to her friend. “Now where were we?”

“I’d say you both were about to get your asses handed to ya in a rounda cards, wouldn’t you?”

Sarah grinned over at Mrs. S, shaking her head. “Ya got it all wrong, S. No way I’m losin’ to ya again. Never again in my whole bloody life.”

Mrs. S raised her eyebrows as she pulled up a chair, handing the girls their drinks and taking the cards from the end table. “Better put your money where your mouth is, chicken.”

…

Alison curled and uncurled her toes as she stood in line, praying to every God she could think of. Jaw tight, chin out just a little, she kept her hands in tight fists in her pockets. Just ask, they’ll say she’s not there, and you can go home, Hendrix. That simple.

But then it was her turn and she felt her heart pounding in her throat.

“May I help you?”

Her fists clenched harder in her pockets.

“Yes, I’m here to see Elizabeth Childs?”


	23. Chapter 23

“Of course,” said the woman behind the desk. “Just a sec.”

She did a bit of typing at her computer, and Alison was beginning to sweat. She rubbed a clammy hand under her bangs and heaved a sigh.

“Ah,” said the woman behind the desk. “Here we go.”

Alison’s vision began to blur.

“Elizabeth Childs. Room 400. It’ll be right on your left after you get off the elevator.”

Alison tried to remember how to breathe. “I’m… uh… thank you.”

The woman smiled.

“You’re welcome.”

Alison’s legs moved without her permission, her hand pressing the elevator call button without her telling it to. By the time she got to the fourth floor she felt sick, the antiseptic smell and the thought of Beth in one of those beds mixing a terrible cocktail she couldn’t quite stomach.

She got off the elevator.

Turned to her left.

Room 400.

Elizabeth Childs.

Room 400.

Elizabeth Childs was in room 400.

Where her legs had moved without her before, they now wouldn’t budge no matter how hard she tried to make them.

Room 400.

Oh God.

Ohgodohgodohgodohgodoh-

Alison took a deep, shuddering breath. She turned her head one way, then the other, stretching. Preparing.

Then, she began to walk.

As she grew closer, she tried not to remember freshman year. Sitting outside, listening to Sarah scream. Standing inside, watching Sarah beg.

She just couldn’t go through that again.

But she had to know.

And she had to be there for Beth, no matter what.

So she opened the door.

–

Cosima closed the basement door, then climbed down the remaining stairs to meet Delphine.

“It’s nice down here,” the blonde offered, looking around.

“Yeaaaa. It’s all right,” said Cosima, clicking on the TV. “Do you want to watch anything in particular?”

“No, that’s ok,” said Delphine. “I don’t really watch TV much.”

“Huh. Well, that’s cool. TV totally rots your brain. I just don’t care.” She winked, and Delphine giggled.

Cosima look around, fidgeting a bit. “Hey, uh… You don’t mind if I smoke, do you?”

“Oh, not at all,” insisted Delphine. “Cigarettes, or…?”

“No, uh… just… pot for me,” said Cosima. “Is that still, like, cool?”

Delphine waved a dismissive hand. “No, no, don’t mind me. In fact, I think I may have a smoke as well.” She then pulled a pack of cigarettes from her purse, grinning mischievously.

“Shit!” Cosima said as she rolled her joint. “French girl’s got balls.”

“I do indeed,” agreed Delphine, lighting her cigarette. She took a drag, and Cosima tried not to watch the way the smoke left her lips when she exhaled.

“Should we spray, uh… uh…” Delphine waved her free hand in circles, as if this would help her think of the word. “Fresh air? You know. Uh…”

“Oh, air freshener?”

“Yes! Won’t your parents notice the smell? Whenever they get back, I mean.”

“Nah,” snorted Cosima, taking a drag from her joint. “My parents don’t even notice me most of the time, let alone a weird smell in the basement.”

Delphine frowned at the frayed couch cushions, cigarette hovering just in front of her lips. “Forgive me for saying so, but that is…. a little bit… sad.”

Cosima let out a hollow laugh.

“Yea,” she said quietly, picking at the edge of the cushion beneath her.

“Yea it is.”

–

Sarah’s head shot up at the sound of the door opening. Mrs S and Beth looked up as well, but it was Sarah who spoke first.

“Alison?” she croaked.

“You told her?” Beth’s betrayed voice rose up, angry, hurt.

“No, I didn’t - I didn’t… Alison. Let’s go for a walk.”

She grabbed a surprisingly willing Alison by the shoulders and guided her out. “I’ll be back in a sec, yea?” she called over her shoulder.

“Sarah,” Alison breathed once the door was shut behind them. “What on earth is going on?”

“I don’t…” Sarah groaned, rubbed a hand over her face. “I don’t fink I’m allowed to say.”

A hysterical laugh escaped Alison. “Ok. I see how it is. I’m Beth’s best friend but I don’t get to-”

“Alison-”

“No!” Alison shouted, jabbing a finger into Sarah’s collarbone. “Shut up! How dare you keep this from me?” Her words were suddenly being punctuated by haphazardly-thrown fists as they struck Sarah in the chest, Alison’s rage and fear overwhelming her. “You knew all along and you just… hid it from me!”

Sarah caught her as she crumpled, tears leaking from Alison’s eyes as she began to cry.

“How bad is it?” Alison whispered as they held each other.

Sarah sighed. Of course Alison had probably figured it all out. She was smart, and this wasn’t exactly surprising.

“Uh…” she sniffed. Jesus, not again. “S’pretty bad.” Her voice trembled.

Alison pulled away, so Sarah followed suit, rubbing a hand under her nose carelessly. Alison swiped her fingers under her eyes to get rid of the tears.

“I’m still mad at you,” she reminded Sarah quickly and with a pointed finger. “But thank you. For taking care of Beth when she couldn’t let me.”

Sarah smiled. “O’course. It’s what I’m here for.”

Alison took a shaky breath, so Sarah reached out and put a hand on her shoulder. “Hey,” Sarah said. “She’s gonna be ok.”

Alison nodded, trying not to let her face crumple.

“Would you like to see her?”

Alison nodded.

“Aw’right. Beth’s gonna kill me, but, well… I just don’t care.”

Alison laughed and let Sarah lead her back into room 400.


	24. Chapter 24

Siobhan was quite impressed with how smoothly Sarah had whisked Alison away. No yelling, no violence, just a grab of her arm and a tug and they disappeared with barely a word. But sitting in there alone with Beth, she could see something was wrong. Beth didn’t look any better or worse, her expression neutral as she stared off at the wall in front of her. But something was definitely off.

She kept her gaze wandering from the door to Beth and back, the mother in her torn between comforting the girl and going on to check on Sarah, but after several minutes of the girls not returning, she focused solely back onto Beth. The girl’s muscles were tense from her neck all the way down her shoulders and arms, her hands trembling in her lap. She glanced back up to Beth’s eyes. They were cold, and getting colder, like she was blocking everything out.

The mother’s heart ached. It was like she was  _watching_  Beth slip away from her and she couldn’t bear it. She lifted her hands and extended them, hesitating before covering Beth’s hands with her own, holding the shaking fingers gently. “Did…something happen between you two?”

_NoGodnodon’tsayanythingdon’tnostopdon’tnoAliAliAliwhatshitnothat’snotit’snot…whatno_

“No.”

She clenched her jaw tighter to keep the other thoughts from tumbling out.

_She hates me she’s gonna hate me she’s gonna be so pissed I can’t tell her why that’s too much right now one thing at a time but I can’t tell her but I should no not now no not ever no shit no wait no shit I don’t know I don’t I just this what_

Mrs. S watched as Beth’s eyes flicked back and forth, as if looking someone in the eyes, but there was just a wall in front of her. She held her hands tighter, stroking them as they continued to tremble. She watched tears pooling in Beth’s lower lashes. The girl shook her head violently.

_NOshowheryou’refineyou’refineyou’refineifyoubelieveitshecanjustbelieveityou’refinenothing’swrong_

She took in a shaking breath, so quickly it sounded like a sob, and she immediately had to expel it, tears leaking out. “ _FUCK_ ,” she shouted, ripping her hands away to cover her face, though her quivering fingers did nothing to help stem her tears. “I’m  _not_  alright I’m not,” she mumbled, her sobs choking up most of her words. “She needs better she deserves better she…she…”

She slammed her hand down on the mattress, another sob escaping before she sniffled.

The door cracked open a little and both of them reacted immediately. Beth went back to frantically trying to remove her tears, and Mrs. S stood and crossed the room in two strides. Her hand caught the door and she paused there, blocking Alison from entering. While she didn’t  _blame_  Alison, she wasn’t stupid. Her glare was stern as she leaned forward, getting closer to the girl but still hovering above her. “Be  _very_  careful what you say, love,” she said calmly, staring long and hard into Alison’s eyes until she was sure the words had sunken in. Then very slowly she stepped away enough for Alison to enter.

For a few seconds, Alison  _couldn’t_. She just stared at the floor and fought to take that first step. One step. Just do it. Just  _do it you stupid idiot before she changes her mind._

She rolled her neck and straightened her shoulders, taking a deep breath before stepping over the threshold. Her stomach dropped at the sight of Beth, paler than she’d ever seen, eyes bloodshot, cheeks still slightly red. She looked completely different from the girl she’d seen two days ago. She wanted to look her in the eye, wanted to  _beg_  for it, but Beth’s eyes stayed locked with the wall.

She took a hesitant step forward. Was that close enough? Was she even welcome here? She was so focused on Beth she didn’t even notice Mrs. S slip out and close the door.

“Is this anything like…” like Sarah.

At first, Beth didn’t move, and Alison feared she hadn’t even said the words out loud. But then Beth nodded, just once. The movement looked like it had physically pained her.

“I…I’m glad you decided to…” Alison cleared her throat, trying to rid it of that awful closed off feeling. “to seek treatment for your…your addiction—“

“That’s not why I’m here.” Her voice was flat. Void of anything.

Alison tried to ignore the bubble she felt in her chest. The one that made it almost painful to take that next breath. She took another step closer, her hand coming up to press nervously to her jaw, the other crossing over her body. “Then…w-why?”

Beth ground her teeth, clenching her jaw.  _No crying no crying no crying_

Alison pressed her lips tightly together. What was going on what was wrong with Beth was she okay?  _No crying no crying no crying_

“I…” Beth’s chin jutted forward as her eyes finally moved, flicking up to the ceiling to keep the tears now blurring her vision from falling.

Alison watched her swallow, inhale deeply, and then the tears were gone. So was the waver in her voice.

“I tried to OD yesterday.”

The inhale Alison had meant to be calm turned into a sharp gasp, her eyes instantly watering as an entire reality crashed over her, her entire life playing out in a world where Beth was dead. She blinked and tears spilled out, her jaw trembling.

“Were you going to tell me?” Her tone was low, almost angry though the words wobbled with her trembling muscles.

Beth chewed on her lip.

_Eventually._

“No.”

“Why?”

For once in her life Alison wished she could just take things at face value. She wished she didn’t have a million questions and a million more worries on top of them. She wished for once she could just… _accept_  something but it was nagging. And it was frustrating her. As was the burning in her eyes.

“I didn’t want to worry you—“

“ _Bullshit_.”

The word burned on her tongue, but Alison didn’t care.

“Tell me.”

Beth shook her head.

“Beth, please,” Alison begged, taking enough steps to stand right next to the bed.

“No.”

“Beth—“

“ _No_ ,”

“ _Please_ —“

“ _Because I didn’t want your pity_ ,” she shouted, snapping her head to look at Alison, staring up at her angrily. “Are you happy now?”

“No!” Alison snapped back, throwing her hand up, ignoring the hot tears still rolling down her cheeks. “That’s not something you get to decide, Beth! I deserve to know—“

“No you  _don’t_!” Her voice cracked, and she wiped at her eyes roughly.

Alison blinked.

“You don’t have a right to know  _anything_! You’re just a friend!”

The words felt like a slap, so Alison just gave a bitter laugh to pretend to brush it off. “As opposed to  _what_ , Beth? A girlfriend? Don’t be ridiculous.”

Wait had she said that out loud?

The absolutely mortified look on Beth’s face told her yes. She hadn’t…that wasn’t…it was her inclination to lie to herself. To have pretended that wasn’t an option. She hadn’t considered for even a second any of it would ever slip out her mouth in such a blatant  _lie_. It wasn’t ridiculous but she couldn’t well take it back now.

And at the way Beth’s face hardened and her eyes turned angry told her she probably wouldn’t be able to take it back ever.

“Get out.” It was low and threatening and Alison had never heard Beth like that before. It had her stunned and her feet glued to the floor and a new wave of tears crashing into her.

“I said  _get out_ ,” she shouted, getting out of bed in a swift movement and shoving Alison back. “Get out, get out,  _get out!”_ she was sobbing as she continued to push Alison backward, even after her IV had reached its full extension, she continued pushing until the IV stand was flat across the bed, falling and clattering on the other side and giving her enough room to blindly shove Alison out the door just before she collapsed onto the floor in a mess of tears.

…

Sarah needed to get out. She needed to get away and do  _something_  because if she sat there and kept listening to the screaming match she’d probably end up running herself right into traffic.

Mrs. S didn’t say anything as she stormed by and out into the cold air. At first, it was just a brisk walk. To get as far away from that hospital as she could. But then she was running, Running fast and crying and not looking back.

Had she done the right thing? Had she screwed everything up and made it worse? What if Beth died? What if it was because she was stupid enough to have let Alison in?

She choked back a sob, wiping her eyes with her sleeve before running faster. It got to the point where she didn’t know if her tears were from the cold wind or from her terror or a mixture of both, but she had to slow to a stop when she was basically gasping for air, coughing and sobbing and tasting blood at the back of her throat.

She bent down at the waist, inhaling as slowly as she could manage, though her head was starting to spin at the lack of oxygen. How far had she run? Where was she?

She looked up, panting and still leaning all her weight on her hands on her knees. The high school? Really Manning?

_“Sarah!”_

Shit.

“Sarah, you vere not at school today.”

She managed a half wave at Helena, trying to dismiss her the other way, but the blonde was already skateboarding over to her.

“Are you crying?”

“Wha’? No a’course not.” She waved her hand dismissively, trying to turn away, but Helena turned her back around.

“You are.”

“No, I’m not, it’s the bloody wind.”

“You are a bad liar. Are you okay?”

“ _Yeah_ ,” Sarah snapped, then softened a little at the look she received. She sighed, running her hand through her hair. “I mean yeah, I’m fine, just a little…worked up is all.”

“Do you need something for that?” She was already digging around in her bag before Sarah understood what she was talking about, and the punk couldn’t control the way she gripped Helena’s arm tightly “ _No,_ ” she said sharply _, “I’m not a bloody junkie_.  _Not anymore_.”

Helena slowly put her hands up defensively. “Sorry. I vas just offering. My client did not put money in ze locker today. So I had extra.” She played with the fur of the hood as she looked at nothing in particular, rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet. “It vas the first time zat they did not pay all year.”

The words hit her hard. Did…was…

And before she could control herself, she grabbed Helena by the collar, shoving her against the brick wall of the school. “Tell me you don’t sell Beth drugs.”

“I do not know they vanted it anonymous I do not—“

Sarah shoved her harder into the wall. “ _Tell me you only sell weed_.”

Helena’s eyes widened and she stared into Sarah’s, terrified as she slowly shook her head.

All Sarah could see was red, her hold tightening on the fabric around Helena’s collar, pressing  _hard_  against her throat. “You almost killed my _friend_  you psycho  _bitch_ ,” she growled.

“Sarah!”

She ignored the name. “You do not bloody  _touch_  them, do you hear me?” She leaned closer, so close she swore she was almost inside the hood with the girl. “If you so much as  _look_  at them I will  _destroy_  you.”

A tugging at her shoulder was enough for her to jerk her head around, only to come face to face with a terrified Felix. And it was also enough for Helena to break free and sprint away.

“ _Felix_ ,” Sarah grunted, watching Helena’s figure tearing around the corner.

“What in the bloody hell was that for, Sarah?! You looked like you were gonna kill her!”

“She–“ Sarah started to yell, but then she remembered Felix didn’t know anything. All Helena was to him was a savior who kept the bullies away. She winched, pinching the bridge of her nose with her fingers. Shit. Shit shit shit shit  _shit_.

In a yell, she turned and threw a punch at the wall, shaking it out exhaling sharply.

“Is…everythin’ alright?” Felix asked hesitantly, glancing down at her hand, now bleeding from the knuckles.

She closed her eyes for a moment before opening them and putting her hand on the slope of Felix’s neck and shoulder. “I need ya to trust me, a’right? I need ya to go home, do your homework, and go to bed.”

She dug around in her pocket, extending the rest of her money to him. “Get take out. Tip the poor guy well, it’s bloody freezing. Please?”

Felix stared down at the money, furrowing his brow before slowly nodding. “I’ll give you change.”

Sarah managed a smirk, ruffling his hair. “No ya won’t ya lil shit.”

She watched him go, pressing her knuckles into her fist and wincing at the stinging sensation. Wow. She might’ve fucked up even worse now. The only worse thing that could happen was Cos finding out and ruining her first week with the bloody French goddess.


	25. Chapter 25

By the time Siobhan returned, cup of coffee in hand, two nurses had already beat her to it.

They swung open the door, and inside Siobhan could see Beth throwing things, could hear her screaming incoherently. She nearly dropped the coffee, running for the room.

“Elizabeth?” she called in alarm, but Beth didn’t hear her. Couldn’t hear her, though whether it was because of her screams or the white noise in her head, she couldn’t be sure. All she could be sure of were the arms holding her back but she needed to get out she needed to run she needed air she needed burning she needed movement and no thinking no being just wind-

“Elizabeth, darling, look at me.”

The calm voice came from directly in front of her, but she couldn’t see. Why couldn’t she see?

“Open your eyes, love. C’mon.”

It was then that Beth realized she’d been squeezing her eyes shut tight, trying to project herself somewhere else. Somewhere outside, somewhere not here. Somewhere that smelled clean in the normal way, not the chemical way.

“I need… to leave,” she breathed. “I can’t stay here.”

“You just have to make it to tomorrow. Then we can get you out of here.”

“No,” moaned Beth. The nurses stood by, as if prepared to restrain her again, but with a quick look from Mrs. S they took their leave. “No, I can’t… I… I need to go home, my parents… they’ll… I told them I was staying at Sarah’s on the phone but… it’s been too long I can’t… they’ll suspect-”

It was all a lie, of course. Her parents wouldn’t suspect shit. All they did was work and sleep and if they saw her for even five seconds they probably wouldn’t recognize her.

But she needed out.

“Elizabeth, breathe,” Siobhan reminded her, and it was then that she realized her breath was coming in quick, short gasps. She inhaled as deeply as she could,which actually wasn’t very deep at all because it had hurt to breathe for months now.

“It will be all right. I’ll call them, tell them you and Sarah have a group project to work on so you’re just going to be staying with us.”

Beth’s heart rate began to slow. Mrs. S had that effect on her. “Ok. But, Sarah doing work? They’ll never buy it.” And then she cracked a weak smile. Weak, but at least semi-genuine.

“Very funny,” said Siobhan, narrowing her eyes and smirking.

“I need to get out of this room, though. I’m going insane in here. I need to… go for a run.”

“Well,” said Siobhan thoughtfully. “I’ll have to clear it with your doctor, but I think there’s a track on hospital grounds. For rehabilitating patients, and things like that.”

And Beth felt the most hopeful she had in months.

–

Cosima was just coming down from her high when the phone rang.

“Yo,” she drawled upon answering, and she could see Delphine smirk a little out of the corner of her eye.

“Cos?”

Cosima sat up a little straighter, adrenaline clearing her head. “Felix?” she asked, his tone of voice creating a pit of worry inside her. “What’s wrong, kiddo?”

“Uhh, nuffin’… really, I just… Mrs. S and Sarah are gonna be out tonight and I just… it’s stupid, but I don’t wanna be alone.”

“Totally not stupid. I’ll be over in, like five. Make it ten, actually. You know I’m always late.”

She could hear the grin in his voice when he said “Yea, ok. See ya soon.”

Click.

“Uhhh, sorry,” she said distractedly to Delphine, staring down at her phone and trying to decide whether she should call Sarah and demand to know what was happening. She eventually decided against it, locking her phone and slipping it into her pocket. “That was Sarah’s little brother. He’s home alone tonight and wants me to come over. Um, you’re welcome to just… stay here if you want. I trust you not to, like, rob me.”

Delphine giggled. “That’s kind of you to say, but actually, I think I’d like to come with you. If… that’s all right?”

Cosima couldn’t describe the way her stomach flipped. She felt warm all over.

“Sure, yea. That’d be great, actually.”

Delphine smiled. “Great.”

–

Beth pushed harder and harder until her legs finally began to ache.

The track stretched out before her, vast and onyx and full of life. She pumped her arms, and the wind fought to pull her hair from her ponytail.

For the first time in a long time, it didn’t hurt to breathe. She panted, filling her lungs with precious autumn air.

Her face burned.

Her legs burned.

Her heart burned.

She was alive.

–

Twenty minutes later Felix answered the door to a weed-scented Cosima and a very tall blonde girl.

“What’s up, my man?” Cosima said cheerfully, clapping him on the back as she walked in, Delphine following dutifully behind.

“Not much,” he said. “Who’s your shadow?”

“Oh, sorry. Felix, this is Delphine. She’s an exchange student from France. She’s living with me for the next month.”

“Oh, sweet,” said Felix casually. Delphine smiled politely.

“So, what’s up with Sarah and S? Do you have any idea?” Cosima asked as they sat on the couch, Felix on her right, Delphine on her left. A black and white movie played on the TV.

“Uhh, I dunno,” mumbled Felix, looking down. “I feel kinda like it’s no’ good, though.”

Cosima frowned. “What gives you that idea?”

“They’ve been actin’ weird, and they’ve barely been home recently. Mrs. S came home las’ night smellin’ like a hospital.”

Cosima’s first thought was oh God, Sarah relapsed, but Felix must have seen it on her face because he added “S'not because of Sarah, though. I saw her earlier. But… she was real upset.”

Cosima frowned. The only thing she could think of was Beth. What the hell was going on?

“Sorry I made you come all the way here,” Felix mumbled. “I’m jus’… I’m worried somefin bad’s goin’ down ‘n I just… couldn’t be alone.” He looked away, ashamed.

“Hey, no big,” Cosima insisted, and she raised her arm, inviting him to cuddle into her side, which he did willingly. Even if he did like keeping up the tough punk guy act most of the time, underneath the chains and eyeliner he was still just a kid.

Cosima remembered this as he pressed his face between her neck and shoulder, huffing a little sigh. She stroked his hair absently and tried to catch up with the plot of the movie onscreen.

Beside her, Delphine couldn’t hide her adoring smile.

–

Alison tried to get her breathing in check, but it felt like the harder she tried the harder it got to fill her lungs with air.

Beth’s voice was still screaming in her ears, saying horrible things that deep down she knew were true. She gasped, keeping her head down as she walked.

Just get home, don’t break down here, there’s so many people out you’ll cause a scene just get home-

She stopped in front of a convenience store and stared inside.

Thinking.

But she didn’t really want to think anymore.

And she knew there was something just inside these walls that could help her out.

And she knew this store was one that didn’t make a habit out of carding people.

And she knew she shouldn’t.

Knew the risks.

But she walked inside, anyway.


	26. Chapter 26

A few hours and a few movies later, Delphine, Cosima, and Felix were finally starting to unwind. Delphine was starting to speak more, less and less nervous about getting her English correct. They were currently screaming at the TV as a stupid character in a horrer movie was about to do the classic stupid checking out of the creepy noises. Felix still had his head leaned against Cosima’s shoulder, and somewhere along the way Delphine’s entire arm had ended up flush against Cosima’s.

The three jumped at the sound of a pounding knock at the front door.

“Sarah?” Alison’s loud, pathetic whimper echoed over. “Sarahhhh? It’s Alison. P-please let me in.” There was a pause. “I…I effed up. Reeaaaally badly.”

Felix frowned. “Is she…?” He tipped back an imaginary glass.

Cosima put her hand to her forehead as she nodded. All her friends were falling off the bandwagon one by one. “I’m…I’m totes sorry about this,” she mumbled to Delphine before abruptly standing, all Felix crashing into the empty space at the unexpected loss of a prop, his head falling to Delphine’s lap. He looked up at her, eyes wide, but she didn’t seem to mind. She smiled down at him before looking towards Cosima’s retreating figure. “Non, don’t be,” she only just managed to hold back her laugh. “It is worlds more interesting than I could have imagined.”

She giggled at the little unamused grunt Cosima gave, lazily raking her fingers through Felix’s hair as she turned her attention back to the muted TV. Cosima rolled her eyes, leaving her hand on the doorknob for a moment before actually opening the door.

“Cosima!” Alison exclaimed loudly, a bright smile gracing her tearstained face. Cosima tried not to grimace at how strong the smell of alcohol was on her breath.

“Yeah hey, Alison—“

“How do you gay?”

Cosima’s eyes widened, Alison giggling and putting her hand to her mouth sheepishly. “Silly me, I mean how…how do you…gay…not gay…how are you…not…I mean  _are_ …” her brow furrowed as her intoxicated mind grappled for the right sentence, but within a few seconds it was clear she had already moved on. “I effed up,” she settled for again, pouting and swaying where she stood.

“Oh, woah,” Cosima grabbed her to steady her, “Let’s uhh..get you inside, okay?”

Alison nodded sadly, allowing herself to be led into the living room.

“Do you live here?” she asked her lower lip sticking out as she looked around the room in confusion. “Did I go to the wrong place?”

“No, this is Sarah’s.” Cosima clumsily set her down in the armchair, flattening out her skirt as best as possible. “Alison,” she tried gently, “What’s going on?”

Alison sniffled. “I’m an inconsiderate  _bitch_ , that’s what,” she slurred, her eyes flitting around the room, her head lolling to the side. “She had only just tried to kill herself and I went and said  _that_ and just—“

“Wait what?”

“How stupid can I be?” Alison barreled on, “I mean I could’ve said anything and I said that and she thinks I don’t love her—“

“ _Alison_ ,” Cosima cut in gently, even though her heart was starting to race.

“Hmmm?” Alison blinked, slowly turning to look Cosima in the eye.

“Can we uhh…go back a little? Like  _prequel_  back?”

“You don’t know?” Alison gave a sad humming sound. “Well at least I wasn’t alone.” She clenched her jaw before she could speak again, a few tears leaking out her eyes. She swayed in her seat as she wiped them away. “Beth’s in lockup at the hospital. Suicide watch.” Her jaw trembled. “They want to keep her longer, though. So they can help her through withdrawal symptoms. T-they haven’t asked her yet, though.”

Cosima squatted down so she was eye level with her friend, even though Alison was once again looking anywhere but at her. “So why are you crying?” As if on cue, a few more tears spilled onto Alison’s cheeks as she stared up at the ceiling. “Beth’s a stubborn bitch, Alison. She can totes make it through withdrawal. Especially with us there—“

“ _Because she doesn’t want me there_ ,” Alison yelled, eyes locking with Cosima’s as she leaned threateningly forward.

Cosima swallowed. For all the overreacting Alison did, this actually seemed genuine. “What did you do?”

“I-I…I lied,” she mumbled, dropping her gaze to her lap to fidget with her fingers. “I…I told her the…the thought of being…with her was ridiculous, but I…it’s  _not_. I was just…deflecting and I think I might like her but…but I just…I  _fucked_  it up—“ She burst into tears, covering her face with her hands.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Cosima murmured, slipping her fingers underneath Alison’s to cup her cheeks, rocking forward and kissing Alison’s forehead. “Shhhh.” She left her lips there.

“I…I…I could’ve messed up the one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world just because I was stupid enough not to want to want it what h-have I done,” she babbled through her tears, her hands starting to wave nervously with her words. “I ruined our friendship and what if she dies, Cosima, what if she dies and kills herself and i-it’ll be my fault I-I-I I can’t live without her Cosima I can’t—“

Cosima exhaled lightly into Alison’s hair, “You need to calm down,” she murmured.

“And I drank too much and took some pills and the room won’t stop spinning and my belly feels weird and I can’t focus,” she rushed out, getting progressively faster with each addendum. “I’m really scared I don’t know why I’m just scared I think I’m gonna throw up—“

“Please, Alison, please breathe,” Cosima coaxed, her voice soothing. “You’re starting to scare me.”

Alison continued like she hadn’t heard. “I…I need to go there now and apologize I need to fix this what am I doing sitting here—“

“ _No_.”

The firmness in her voice startled Alison into silence, blinking more tears away as Cosima pulled away to look her in the eye, face still cradled in her hands.

“You are in no state to go see her. And from what you’re saying she’s in no state to see you. So you are going to  _stay here_. Do you understand?”

Alison stared at her for a long time, her gaze flicking back and forth between Cosima’s eyes. She was still trembling from holding back hard sobs, but she managed to only let a few tears go with her small nod. Cosima smiled sadly back, using her thumbs to brush the few tears away. “Good.” She stood, wiping the tears off her hands, “Now let’s get you upstairs—“

“Noooooo,” Alison whined, tilting her head to pout, her body quickly following her head as she slumped sideways.

Cosima tried not to laugh, but she failed, grinning down at Alison, tongue pressing up against her teeth. “Fine you stupid cutie,” she muttered.

With some effort she pulled Alison over to the couch with Felix and Delphine, and within minutes, Felix and Alison were asleep on each other, tangled in a mess of limbs and snores. Cosima couldn’t keep herself from rubbing Alison’s back, though, over and over and over, trying to hide her trembling hands from herself.

“You’re a good friend,” Delphine said quietly.

Cosima stared at Alison’s face for a moment longer, her puffy cheeks and the red splotches indicators of how wrong Delphine was. Or at least she thought so. With a sigh, she turned to look at the blonde. “I should’ve been there earlier. I should’ve  _known_.”

Delphine shook her head. “No one is to blame,” she said. “pensées autodérision …Merde.” she snapped her fingers quietly as she thought. “Self…self…self-deprecating thoughts!” she exclaimed, her eyes bright at having figured it out before turning serious. “Self-deprecating thoughts are not something you could have stopped. No matter how wonderful you told her she was. No matter if you knew. This…” She chewed at her lip. “This appears to be the course of action that would have happened…no matter what.”

Cosima looked down at her lap, trying to believe it. She nearly jumped when Delphine’s hand took her free one and laced their fingers together. “But that does not mean you cannot help with the healing process. You…you handled her, euh…Alison? Oui. You handled Alison quite well. I am sure your other friend will appreciate you just as much.”

How she managed to nod, Cosima wasn’t sure. How she managed to not cry, she wasn’t sure either. But she felt safe there. Despite the way her heart pounded when Delphine gently ran her thumb over the back of her hand, she felt okay. She felt okay that Alison wasn’t going to die and neither was Beth. She felt okay that Sarah was still on the clean train to sober-ville. And she felt okay that this beautiful French girl hadn’t run flying out the door after seeing what a complicated, messed up life she lived.

Maybe there was hope after-all.

…

“You want  _what_?!” Beth snapped.

“Chicken…” Siobhan warned gently.

Beth frowned and crossed her arms. “I don’t want to stay.”

“You…you don’t  _have_  to,” the doctor offered. “We’re only allowed to keep you for the rest of the afternoon. But we…we  _strongly_  suggest you stay until we’re certain you’ll be…alright.”

“You mean make sure I don’t off myself during withdrawal pains.”

The doctor’s eyes told her yes and she closed her eyes to try and compose her anger. She opened them and looked to Sarah. “Is…is it gonna be as bad as…?”

Sarah bit her lip and looked away. “It’ll be different. That doesn’t mean better or worse, Childs. We can’t know wha’ you’re up against ‘til that monster shows his face, yeah? I wouldn’t…” she clenched her jaw. “I wouldn’t be too bloody cocky if I was you.” She rolled her shoulders uncomfortably. “Ya gotta remember they still have you on meds. They didn’t want ya dealin’ with the trauma of the OD and withdrawal symptoms, yeah? So you haven’t….you haven’t got a clue of what’s to come and I don’t either. So…pick your poison.”

Beth looked up at the ceiling. “What about school? How long with this last?”

“It…depends,” the doctor said carefully. “But I’m sure with a proper note from us, your school would arrange something. Have your teachers send work back here with your friends?”

“And…visitors?” Beth asked hesitantly.

“We’d want to…minimize contact. You have a maximum of seven approved visitors.”

Beth chewed at the inside of her cheek, bringing her knees up to her chest under the covers. She tried lying to herself, tried to say she thought she could do it on her own, but all she could hear was Sarah’s sobbing, echoing up from somewhere deep inside her memory. Somewhere she’d buried for a long time.

“Yeah, okay.”

“You’ll stay?” Sarah asked, pleasantly surprised.

Beth glanced over at her. “What good are friends if I can’t  _bloody_  learn from their mistakes,” she said as seriously as possible, breaking out into a smirk the same time as Sarah.

“Wonderful. I will get you a note for the last three days you’ve missed and you can send someone up to deliver it, okay?”

Beth nodded.

…

Sarah walked quickly through the halls with two missions. Give the note to the attendance office and get Beth’s textbooks from her locker. She threw the note at the secretary without more than a glance, walking down the main hall to the section that held both her and Beth’s lockers. She sighed when she realized she had nothing to carry all of them with, then grinned when she remembered the backpack in her locker. The one she hadn’t used in almost a full year.

She was about to start turning in her combination when she saw it was already on the last number. Brow furrowed, she tried the lock, and it swung open. One glimpse of what was inside and she sighed. That stupid damn coat.

She pulled out the giant green jacket, closing her eyes. “Helena,” she said flatly, “come out here.”

She opened her eyes and turned, watching as Helena’s head poked in hesitantly from around the corner. “Vat?”

“I didn’t give you the bloody coat because we were friends. I gave it to ya because you needed a coat.”

She thrust it back into Helena’s arms. “Just because I’m mad at you doesn’t mean you can’t have the goddamn thing.”

“Do not say God’s name in vain.“

Sarah sighed. “Fine. Just keep the coat, yeah? I ain’t lendin’ it to ya. It’s _yours_  for bloody sake.”

Helena bit her lip. “I…I did not know, Sarah. I am sorry.”

Sarah’s brow furrowed. “What’d you mean you didn’t know? What did ya bloody think was gonna happen? Sell drugs to kids an’ they’re gonna  _use_ ‘em. And then they’re gonna  _keep_  usin’ ‘em til they’re either dead or dyin’.” She tried her best not to glare, but she failed. “So don’t tell me ya didn’t know. Tha’s the worst excuse there is.”

All the blonde girl could do was nod and back away around the corner, tears already in her eyes as she started up a sprint for the back door.

…

“Elizabeth Childs?”

Beth looked over at the door. “Uhh…yeah?”

The mail guy shrugged, taking a step into the room. “This was…in my cart. I don’t know. There’s no stamp or anything so someone clearly just…dropped it in. Do you…want it?”

Beth looked him over. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“I dunno. People are weird about knowing where their mail comes from. Didn’t want you to think I was bombing you or anything.”

Her eyebrows twitched up. “A bomb the size of a greeting card?”

He tried not to smirk. “Alright, alright, no making fun.” He extended it to her and she took it, staring at the messy handwriting of her name across the envelope.

Carefully she tore it open. The card was standard enough, though the ‘Happy Birthday’ wasn’t exactly accurate. She opened the card, eyes widening as a giant pile of money spilled into her lap. Frowning, she gathered it up, counting it. No. Couldn’t be. She counted it again. And again. And  _again_  and then she was grabbing for the card again, looking at the inside for any indicator.

_Вибачте._

The simple word, the  _only_  word written on the inside was enough to have her bawling, there with all the money she’d ever spent on pills and a stupid Ukrainian apology.


	27. Chapter 27

Cosima grunted herself awake, head twitching as she inhaled sharply. Where was she? Why was she so warm?

She blinked a few times and realized she was in Sarah’s house, the pain in her neck indicating she’d been on this couch all night. Sleeping in an upright position hadn’t agreed with her, and her head ached with tension. She found her glasses still on her face, albeit a little askew.

She tried to move her arm, but it was pinned. She looked over to find it wrapped around Delphine, the blonde’s face pressed into her neck, arm thrown clumsily over Cosima’s waist. She could feel little puffs of breath against her skin and she tried not to catch fire right then and there.

On her other side, Felix and Alison were still asleep as well, Felix leaning on top of Alison, limbs tangled. Cosima sighed, the tiniest of smiles playing on her lips.

Everything was peaceful, for now.

She used her free arm to dig her phone out from under the pile of limbs and blankets, finding it painfully wedged under her thigh. Its clock said they were all already late for school, but at this point she couldn’t give less of a shit if she tried.

Screw being top of the class. Her friends were more important.

Just then the front door swung open, causing Cosima to jump in surprise.

Sarah grunted at the sight of Cosima, hand flying to her chest for a second. “Jesus! Shit!” she said, taking in the four people crammed onto her couch. “What the hell, Cos? You guys throw a party without me, or…?”

Cosima let out a weak laugh, but found it pretty difficult to find actual humor in anything right now.

“Felix didn’t want to be alone, so Delphine and I came to keep him company. And Alison… well, she was actually here to see you, but…”

Sarah took in Alison, red-faced and knocked the fuck out, then looked back at Cosima, all sad, tired eyes and tense jaw. She connected the dots.

“Alison tell ya… wha’ happened?”

Cosima sighed, shoving her hand under her glasses to haphazardly rub one eye. “Yea. F-fuck, Sarah…” she moaned tiredly.

“I know,” said Sarah. “It’s fucked up.”

“Do you know what happened with Ali and Beth?”

Sarah shrugged, putting down the backpack she was carting and lowering her weight into an overstuffed armchair. “Dunno. Why?”

“Alison, when she got here she was, like, suuuuper drunk.”

Sarah’s eyes went wide. “Wha’?”

“Yea. She was totally freaking out, screaming about how she fucked everything up with Beth.”

“Wait, wait. Alison said ‘fuck’?”

Cosima laughed, covering her mouth to keep the sound from waking the others up. “Yea. I know, right?”

Sarah snorted, rolled her eyes. Sobered. “Everyfing’s so shitty.”

“Yea,” sighed Cosima. “What’re we gonna do?”

A hardness formed in Sarah’s eyes, a sort of strong determination. “We’re gonna ge’ her through it. She’ll be ok. Her friends are good at this sort of thing. I know from experience.” Sarah looked down then, wringing her hands.

Cosima was about to say something when Delphine shifted, letting out a little moan. She pressed her face farther into the crook of Cosima’s neck and tightened her grip on her waist. Cosima tensed, knowing she was blushing by the way Sarah smirked at her.

“Get some,” whispered Sarah with a wink.

“Sarah, I swear to God-”

“I don’t feel good,” Alison’s weak, high voice interrupted as she stirred awake. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

Sarah was in front of her in a flash. “Awrigh’, bathroom, c’mon,” she said, and she tugged Felix gently off of Alison, depositing him on Cosima’s free shoulder. He moaned, shifted, but didn’t wake. Cosima tried to protest (she really had to pee), but Sarah was already leading a still semi-drunk Alison to the bathroom.

“Jesus Christ,” grumbled Cosima.

She was not everyone’s cuddle buddy, contrary to popular belief.

Delphine sighed again in the way of waking, head lifting up, eyes blinking open.

“Que?” Her voice was hoarse with sleep, sending shivers down Cosima’s spine. “Où suis-je? Que-”

She stopped when she saw Cosima’s grinning face. “Merde. Cosima.” She ran a hand over her face, looking relieved upon remembering where she was.

“Good morning.”

“What… what time is it? School…?”

“I was thinking,” Cosima whispered conspiratorially, “that we could play hooky.”

“Hooky?” The way Delphine’s nose scrunched in confusion was just too cute. It was ridiculous, really.

“We could skip school.”

“Oh,” Delphine whispered, eyes fluttering shut again. “Yes. Ok. We can do that.” She readjusted her position, laying her head back on Cosima’s shoulder and falling back asleep.

Jesus, Cosima thought with a grin as she bit her lip and looked to the ceiling.

I’m in trouble.

–

Sarah grimaced, holding Alison’s hair back as the other girl retched.

“I’m sorry,” Alison whimpered between heaves. “I screwed up. I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizin’,” said Sarah quietly, and she gathered Alison’s hair into one hand so she could use the other to reach for a wet wash cloth. She set it on the back of Alison’s neck, feeling her relax slightly at the warmth.

Sarah rubbed Alison’s back a few times until it seemed she was done. She then deposited the cloth into the sink and watched as Alison sighed, sitting on the floor against the tub. Sarah thought for a moment, then sat next to her. The bathroom was small, so their arms were pressed flush against each other and Sarah could feel the tension there.

“Ya wanna… talk abou’ it?”

“No.” Alison sighed pathetically.

“Ok. You wanna be alone?”

Another sigh. “No.”

“Ok.”

So they sat in silence for Sarah didn’t know how long, until, finally, Alison spoke.

“I’m scared.”

“Me, too,” admitted Sarah, pulling her knees up and wrapping her arms around them.

“Really?”

“Yea,” laughed Sarah. “Why d’ya sound so surprised?”

“I don’t know. You just… don’t seem like someone who gets scared.”

“Well, I am human, ya know.”

Alison gave her a sidelong glance and a smirk. “That’s debatable.”

“Oi!” Sarah tried to look offended, but the startled laugh that forced its way out of her ruined it.

Just then, someone pounded loudly on the door.

“Hey!” shouted Cosima’s voice. “Are you done making out in there? I have to piss!”

Sarah snorted, and Alison covered her face as a few uncontrollable giggles bubbled up and out like carbonated soda after it’s been shaken up.

Sarah stood, then offered her hand to Alison, who sighed and accepted it. It took them a few tries, a few more giggles, but eventually she ended up on her feet.

Sarah smiled encouragingly.

They were gonna be ok.

–

Beth tried to control the trembling, but her body was starting to get pissed at her. It was starting to growl and claw and demand.

She rubbed a hand over her forehead. It came away sweaty.

“You all right over there, love?” asked Siobhan quietly over the magazine she was reading, frowning at how pale Beth looked.

“Yea,” she mumbled, trying to ignore the violence with which her hands shook. “Yea, I’m fine.”

Oh, how wrong she was


	28. Chapter 28

Beth stared down at the paper in her lap, pen shaking slightly in her hand. She had filled out all the information. Well…most of it. All that was blank were the names of her visitors and her signature next to Mrs. S’s. She started scrawling names on each of the lines.  _Sarah_. She couldn’t do it without her.  _Mrs. S._ She hadn’t known how badly she needed a mother. _Felix_. Poor kid didn’t deserve to be alone all hours of the day.  _Cosima_. She had never let her down before.

She paused. Cosima wouldn’t want to be here. They had their French students this month.  _Shit_. She bit the end of her pen, unwilling to scratch out the name. Wait. What had Cosima said her name was? Dolphin?

She grinned.  _Delphine_. Now she wouldn’t feel so bad about infringing on Cosima’s time. Not…too horribly anyway.

 _Alison_. Even though her hand shook as she wrote the name, even though her eyes stung, she wanted Alison there. Even if Alison didn’t want to be there, she’d…she’d leave the offer on the table.

She wanted to pretend there wasn’t a last line. She signed her loopy signature slowly and deliberately, staring at the nurse call button for a long time. With a sigh, she closed her eyes.  _Don’t cry_.

_Dr. John Childs._

She turned the page over and put it on the side table before she could _really_  look at it and get her hopes up.

…

Mrs. S came home, grocery bags hanging around her arms. She didn’t know how much Felix had eaten since she had last been there. Her feet froze when she saw five bodies crowding up her kitchen, running about and making a mess of things.

Felix looked over. “Oi, oi, Mrs S!” he called.

“Oi, oi,” she replied hesitantly, setting the bags down on the floor. “What do we have going on here, loves?”

Alison looked over, finger in her mouth from sucking some powdered sugar off it. She pulled it out to speak. “We’re making breakfast for everyone. Well…it started out for Beth but then we all got hungry too.”

Sarah leaned forward from her spot perched on the counter to grin at Siobhan, pancake hanging from her mouth. “Why can’t you cook this bloody well?” she asked, the words muffled.

Mrs S stalked forward and snatched it from her mouth, eyebrows rising up. “I could ask you the same thing.”

Sarah’s eyes flashed shock and Mrs. S smirked, taking a bite from the pancake before giving it back to Sarah.

“Be ready in five, chickens, I don’t want to leave Beth there alone too long.”

She turned to go, but when she saw Delphine out of the corner of her eye, she stopped, then glanced back to the other familiar faces. “And who is this?”

“Oh, uhh…Delphine,” Cosima offered, nervously pushing her glasses up her nose. “I told you I was doing that foreign exchange thing, right?”

Mrs. S gave her a skeptical look, eyebrows once again twitching up. Certainly she’d said that. She’d said nothing about it being a perfect ten French girl living for a month in the Niehaus household without any parental supervision. Her gaze ran up and down Delphine’s figure once before she pointed sternly at Cosima. “We’re going to have a nice long talk later.”

Cosima went red as Siobhan walked away.  _Shit_. Delphine leaned closer to her. “What was that about?” she whispered, head tilting curiously.

“I, uhh…I dunno. Beats me.”

Thankfully, Alison once again started being her usual bossy self. “Is everything ready?” she asked curtly, glancing around. Cosima jumped on the opportunity. “Yeah, Alison. Fruit, pancakes, milk, bacon, and cinnamon rolls. Enough food to choke a horse.”

Alison’s intake of breath was audible, and the way her eyes flashed and she set her jaw, Cosima knew she had said the wrong thing. “I…shit, Alison, you know what I mean. We…you’re worried about her. She’ll…she’ll love it.”

The hurt in Alison’s eyes lingered, and she twisted her neck so fast to look at Sarah, Cosima was almost afraid she’d snapped it. Sarah gave her an encouraging smile. “Seriously, she’ll love it,” Sarah agreed. “We haven’t found a proper breakfast joint anywhere near the hospital. She’s been livin’ off dry cereal and runny eggs for bloody sake.”

Alison looked back to the pile of to-go containers they had put together. “Thank you, Cosima,” she said, unable to look at the girl.

Cosima smiled. It was definitely the best she was going to get at the state Alison was in. She reached out and put her hand on her friend’s back, rubbing a little. “Yeah, no problem. Now let’s go before S realizes there’s too many of us to legally fit in her car.”

“ _Shotgun_ ,” Felix called, snatching some of the food items and running down the hall.

“Oi!” Sarah shouted, “Not bloody fair!” She chased after him, catching him around the waist and hoisting him into the air. He laughed and squirmed, trying to free himself as she continued to carry him to the front door.

“Shotgun?” Delphine asked.

Cosima laughed. “Yeah, uhh…means like…getting to sit in the passenger seat.”

Delphine smiled. “Oh.” She leaned forward and kissed Cosima’s cheek. “You are a wealth of colloquial language and it is fascinating,” she murmured as she walked away.

…

At the hospital, the kids all bounded to the new room after receiving their visitors’ passes, eager to get the food to her before it went cold. Sarah burst through the door like she owned the place, walking over and casually flopping onto the bed. Beth grunted, opening her eyes and kicking Sarah from under the covers. “Watch your manners, Manning, I was frickin sleeping.”

Sarah shrugged. “It’s almost eleven. You need food. Then you can go back to sleep, alright?”

“’M not hungry,” Beth muttered, rolling over and putting the pillow over her head.

The punk grabbed the pillow and pulled it away, putting it behind her head and relaxing against it. “Just…trust me, will ya, Childs? Take a nice, deep breath.”

Beth frowned, but did as was told, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “Do I smell cinnamon rolls?” she asked, looking to the door where Cosima hung back hesitantly. “Cos!”

Cosima managed a smile, though Beth could immediately see the tears in her eyes. “Oh my God, no, come here,” she waved Cosima closer, pulling her into the best hug she could from a sitting position. “It’s okay,” she murmured.

She knew Cosima was always the innocent one. The one who always let her emotions go. Who always wanted everyone to be happy.

“It’s okay,” she whispered into Cosima’s hair. “See, look, I’m fine.”

She pulled back, taking one of Cosima’s hands and putting it to her cheek. “I’m not cold. I’m right here, Cosima. No scratches no crying I’m okay I’m okay.”

Cosima nodded, but she gently pulled at Beth’s hand until the girl relented, pulling back the sleeves of her gown. Cosima ran her hand over the soft skin of her arms, turning them over and over. Flashes of how Sarah’s had looked, torn to shreds from all her desperate scratching came flooding back, but the longer she stared and felt and really saw, she felt herself calming. “You’ll be okay,” she repeated.

Beth smiled a little. “Yeah. Yeah, I will be.”

Cosima sheepishly slipped her fingers under her glasses to wipe away the tears that had collected there before adjusting them and swallowing. “Shit, I promised I wouldn’t do this,” she laughed half-heartedly.

She lifted the bag of food up, and Beth grinned wider, taking the bag and then getting her wallet from the table. “How much do I owe you guys for it?”

Sarah shook her head, slipping off the bed and walking to her side. “We made it, dumbass.”

“Oh.” Beth paused, still holding all her bills between her fingers. “That’s…that’s so nice.” She glanced up, only to see Delphine hanging back by the door. When their eyes met, Delphine gave a small wave. “Bonjour.”

Beth’s look turned into that of an ‘are-you-shitting-me’ look, and without turning her gaze from the French girl, she shoved all the money in her hand forcefully against Sarah’s chest. Sarah burst out laughing, her one hand flying up to her chest, partly to hold the money and partly because she was laughing so hard.

“ _Guys_ ,” Cosima protested, “C’mon.”

Beth glared at her. “Fuck you, Cos. Why’d ya have to go and get such a bangable girl, huh?”

Cosima’s eyes widened. “Don’t make me hit a hospital patient,” she grumbled before looking worriedly to Delphine who was standing there, gaze darting from girl to girl and finally resting on Cosima.

“Attends…you…tu aimes…des filles?”

“Shit,” Beth tried to keep her laugh back. “You, uhh, you didn’t know?” She glanced back to Cosima. “Jesus, I thought she kinda just….screamed sexually all-inclusive.”

A laugh caught in Sarah’s throat as she tried to contain it, while Cosima was standing there livid, torn between being pissed and mortified. But Delphine’s brow simply furrowed and her head tilted in that perfectly adorable way. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Shit.

“I, uhh,” Cosima’s hand flew to the back of her neck. “Like Beth said, I kinda figured it…advertised itself.”

She gave a half-hearted laugh before Beth and Sarah burst into hysterical laughter, Sarah bending forward to rest her forehead on the bed as she practically cried. Cosima’s cheeks got progressively more red, and Delphine stepped a little closer, until she was standing by Beth’s bed at Cosima’s side. “Is that why you have been so scared to touch me?” she asked cheekily, reaching over and into the bag to tear off a piece of cinnamon roll from the pile of six.

“I, uhh, what?” Cosima tried deflecting.

Delphine smiled and ate the piece, sucking her thumb clean of everything sticky and gently nudging Cosima with her hip. “You do not have to worry about that,” she said quietly enough for only them to hear, especially since Beth and Sarah were too busy crying into each other’s shoulders as they laughed. “I do not mind.”

_What._

_Wait what._

Cosima could only blink at her for a few moments.

_What does she mean wait what no she couldn’t mean…_

_She just meant she wouldn’t mistake any of her actions as flirting she could touch her and Delphine wouldn’t ever think it was because she liked her_

_No what if she meant she didn’t mind because_

_No_

_Cos don’t be such an idiot of course she’s not gay_

_Just stop don’t panic just smile—_

All breath left her at the feeling of Delphine’s hand slipping onto her lower back, coaxing her to lean in for a one armed hug.

_Holy watershed, Cos what have you gotten yourself into?_

…

Alison had tried to follow them in there, but she had paused, and then all the sounds of happiness and laughter had echoed back to her and she just _knew_  if she went in there it’d all die in an instant. So after standing in front of the door for what felt like eternity, she sighed in defeat and leaned against the wall beside the door, slipping down until she was sitting on the floor, head in her hands.


	29. Chapter 29

After a few minutes of laughter and swearing, Cosima relaxed enough to notice someone was missing.

She frowned. “Hey, uhh, I’ll be back guys,” she called, but nobody seemed to really notice over the flurry of food and fast-talking hands. She rolled her eyes and walked outside.

“Oh,” she said immediately upon stepping into the hall. She closed the door gently behind her. “Alison?”

Alison didn’t look up, her knees drawn to her chest, face buried in her arms. Cosima sighed, then slid down to sit beside her.

“She wants you here, you know,” Cosima said quietly, reaching over to play with the ends of Alison’s hair. “Or else she wouldn’t’ve, like, put you on the list.”

Alison didn’t speak, so Cosima continued. “It doesn’t matter what was said. I’m sure you were both upset-”

Alison lifted her head up suddenly. “I can’t go in there and face her, Cosima,” she said, voice choked. “I’m so embarrassed, I-”

“Oh, I see,” said Cosima, switching gears suddenly. She hoped it’d work. “You can’t go in there because you’re embarrassed.”

“I-”

“No, it’s fine,” Cosima went on, “You’re embarrassed. It’s understandable. Beth will be fine without you. Totally. Come on, Alison. Beth needs you. Whatever shit the two of you have gotten yourselves into can wait.”

Alison’s jaw worked, indicating she was thinking. “You’re right,” she said finally, voice brisk. “I’m being silly.” She rolled her neck, then her shoulders, the way she did before an audition. “Suck it up, Hendrix,” she said to herself.

And then she got up, leaving Cosima behind as she burst into the room.

Well, Cosima thought as she rubbed a hand over her face.

That worked a little too well.

–

Beth was in the middle of a “Who can eat more cinnamon rolls in two minutes?” contest with Sarah when the door burst open.

The room fell silent as Alison walked in, a few more bags of food hanging from her wrists.

“Elizabeth,” she greeted curtly, setting the bags down as casually as she could. Beth could tell by her posture that she was holding something in, holding back.

Beth swallowed hard, almost choking on the only half-chewed remains of pastry. “Alison,” she grunted as some kind of poor excuse for a greeting.

There was nothing but silence for a long time. Nobody moved, as if afraid to startle the two.

They were like predator and prey, stuck in this frozen stare-down.

But in this situation, it was hard to tell who was predator and who was prey.

“Ali,” Beth said, and suddenly there was the taste of tears in her throat and it was hard to make her voice work. “Ali, I’m so sorry-”

And the breath was knocked from her as Alison embraced her hard, wrapping her arms tight around Beth’s torso. “Shut up,” Alison whispered tearfully. “Just… shut up.”

“Ok,” Beth laughed through her tears, and suddenly the room was alive again as everyone breathed a collective sigh of relief.

They were far from ok.

But it was a start.

Cosima walked back in, and as she took in the scene on Beth’s bed she grinned her success.

From across the room, Sarah gave her a thumbs up.

Cosima just winked.

–

Later in the afternoon, while everyone hung lazily about the hospital room, Mrs. S approached Cosima.

“Let’s go get some drinks for everyone, shall we?” she asked quietly, offering her hand. Cosima sighed and took it, and they left together. Although Delphine’s eyes followed them as they walked past, nobody else seemed to notice.

“So,” said Mrs. S casually as she pulled some bills from her wallet. “Delphine’s awfully cute.”

Cosima moaned. “Mrs. S, I-”

“Now, I just want you to listen. Ok?” Cosima sighed and nodded, face burning.

“I know you’re responsible, and I can tell you respect her boundaries. But I just want you to be careful, all right?”

Cosima snorted. “It’s not like I can get her pregnant, right?” she joked, trying to deflect. Mrs. S stared at her seriously for a long moment until Cosima’s smile faded.

“Now, I’m bein’ serious, love,” Mrs. S said.

“I know,” Cosima said, looking down. “I get it.”

“Just… no foolin’ around, all right?”

“Yea.”

“I know your parents are gone for the month.”

“My parents are always gone for the month.”

Cosima didn’t know where the bitterness came from, but she couldn’t take it back now. Could only watch as Siobhan’s eyes softened marginally.

“Oh, chicken, I-”

“No! No, it’s,” Cosima laughed awkwardly, hands waving. “It’s totally fine. I don’t care. I’m used to it.”

Siobhan smiled sadly. “If you insist. But you know you’re always welcome at our place.”

Cosima brightened considerably at that. “Yea, I do. Thanks, S.”

“Of course. Now, be a doll and carry these.”

And she filled Cosima’s arms with several bottles of soda.

–

“It was so embarrassing,” Cosima said as she and Delphine sat out in the hall, a bottle of soda in Cosima’s hand, a bottle of water in Delphine’s.

“I think it is sweet that she cares,” said Delphine with a smile.

“Yea, I guess this is what having a mom feels like.” She saw the way Delphine looked at her and immediately realized what she said. “Not that I don’t know what it feels like to have a mom, I just…”

But the sadness in Delphine’s eyes told her there was no taking it back.

“They are gone a lot, yes?” Delphine inquired softly, gently, as if afraid of pushing too hard.

Cosima tried to regain control of her trembling lip. She’d been crying too much lately. Normally she’d just make a stupid joke, or insist she was fine and not lonely at all, but Delphine had some kind of power that made her want to spill all her deepest secrets. “Yea,” she mumbled, pretending her voice didn’t break over the word.

Delphine tutted, reaching up to rub Cosima’s neck. “Well, do not worry. You are not alone anymore.”

Cosima smiled and decided not to point out that it was only for a month.

–

Beth sighed. She shouldn’t have eaten so many cinnamon rolls, she thought, rolling on her side and trying to get comfortable.

Alison, who had claimed the space on the bed next to her and hadn’t moved for going on three hours, glanced over at her. “Are you all right?” she asked softly.

“Just feel a little sick,” Beth mumbled, and Alison’s stomach knotted. Beth wasn’t usually one to admit when she was feeling bad.

“Do you… want us to leave?” Alison whispered, trying to keep the situation on the down-low. Beth shook her head.

“No,” she said, panic beginning to rise in her. “No, please stay.”

“Ok,” Alison said quickly. “All right. I’m not going anywhere.”

Mrs. S shot Alison a questioning look, and Alison shook her head and waved her free hand in a “don’t worry, I’ve got this” sort of way, stroking Beth’s hair with her other hand.

Beth’s body ached, tremors taking hold of her.

Alison pulled the blankets up higher and shot Mrs. S a worried look of her own.

It was starting.

–

Sarah could only take so much of watching Beth tremble and sweat before she had to excuse herself, walking outside and to the front of the hospital where she could sit on a bench and breathe the cool, fresh air.

God.

It still called to her, sometimes. At night, when she tried to sleep, it came to her, whispering lovingly in her ear. When it felt like no one else cared, it was there, telling her how it loved her. How it could make her feel.

Come on, you know you want to.

Come on, I can give you so much. You know how it feels. It’s like soaring, Sarah. Like flying, like breathing underwater, like seeing colors that don’t exist.

You love it, Sarah.

YouloveityouloveitcomebacktomeSarahIloveyouIknowyoulovemetoojustletgojustbefreeSARAH

Sarah dropped her head in her hands.

No.

Never again.


	30. Chapter 30

Beth rolled over, only to have her stomach lurch. She managed to keep back a dry heave, scrambling soundlessly for the bathroom. And after a good few minutes of having her dinner come back up, she had to sit there and take a few, shaky breaths. Wiping her mouth she stood, practically using the whole travel sized mouthwash Mrs S had given her.

Before going back in, though, she stared at herself in the mirror, gripping the edge of the sink to try and stop her hands from trembling. She looked like shit. Not nearly as bad as she felt, but she definitely looked  _bad_. Hair was sticking to her neck where the sweat would not go away. Her face was white, her eyes were red, the circles under her eyes were dark. She ran her fingers through her hair, sighing deeply.

 _You can do this, Childs_. She looked into her eyes, catching the desperate look reflecting back.  _I know you can_.

She tried to block her memories of Sarah away, but they came full on, hard and fast and she bent over, pressing her forehead to the cool edge of the sink.

_Screams echoed from down the hall, and all she could do was pray it wasn’t from the room she was going to. No words. No exclamations. Just shrieking. Bloody murder shrieking and it was cutting through her spine. She was shivering and she didn’t want to know._

_“LET GO LEMME GO SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP”_

_She winced._ _No. No no no no no._

_Carefully she stuck her head into the room. Sarah was kicking and fighting as seven nurses held her down. Beth’s eyes stung as she watched them pin her wrists, and she watched Sarah’s eyes do the same._

_“No, stop, no,” she begged. “Jus’…just lemme shoot up please you don’t understand you don’t—“_

_She yanked hard with her one hand but it was already secured, and then she was outright bawling. “ **Please you don’t understand I need to it hurts I can’t…everything’s burning don’t you understand I need it I can’t breathe aren’t you supposed to be helping me.** ”_

_It hurt. To see someone so strong and determined and alive so…broken._

_“P-please,” she gave as a final feeble attempt, kicking dejectedly when they released her. “Please I just…I need to I…”_

_She stretched, and Beth caught a glimpse of her arms, scarlet streaks running down them in jagged groups of four where her nails had embedded themselves. Their eyes locked and it was like Sarah knew what she had seen. “It burns,” she mumbled. “it’s hot a-and if I could just shoot up, Beth i-it’d go away, please._ Please _.”_

_It took all of Beth’s strength to turn around and close the door, her legs giving out as she sunk next to Alison in the hall._

_She winced at the louder scream that followed._

No. That wasn’t going to be her. She shook her head and lifted it back up, surprised to find tears on her cheeks. She wiped them away with the back of her hand, staring into the mirror to make sure no more were coming.

With that, she crept carefully back to bed, slipping in beside Alison, careful not to touch her.

“You were in there for a while.”

Beth jumped at the voice. “Jesus, Alison.”

“Are you okay?” Alison whispered, pretending like she didn’t hear.

Beth rolled to face Alison, and Alison propped herself up onto her side.

“I…I’m not…I…” Beth struggled to say the right words. “I’m…good enough.”

Alison cupped the back of her neck and gently pulled her forward, pressing her lips to Beth’s forehead and lingering there. Beth closed her eyes tightly, not daring to even breathe.  _That’s just how the Hendrix family takes temperatures_ , she had to remind herself. It’s normal for her.  _It’s…she…_ Alison’s lips disappeared for a second before they were back for a quick kiss on the same part of her forehead.

Even in the dark, Beth could see her slight frown. “Fever, sweating, nausea, insomnia” Alison mumbled, reaching out to tuck Beth’s hair behind her ear, repeating the same motion over and over, even though the hair stayed. “Looks like you’re right on track.”

“You did your research.” Beth wasn’t sure if her own words were a question or a statement.

Either way, Alison nodded, brushing her knuckles against Beth’s cheek to wipe some sweat away. “I wanted to be ready for anything.”

Beth felt her eyes stinging, and in the safety of the dark, she leaned forward to rest her head against Alison’s chest, reaching out and wrapping her arm around her friend’s waist, tugging her closer. Alison’s one hand cupped her head, the other running gently up and down her back. “I’m right here,” Alison murmured, dropping her chin to the top of Beth’s head. “I promise I am.”

It was hard to ignore the tears soaking through her shirt, and even harder to not feel how Beth’s body trembled for the next few hours, but Alison didn’t let go. She didn’t say anything else, just rubbing Beth’s back until the motion had her falling asleep.

…

Morning came and everyone wasn’t ready to go. But Mrs. S pulled them all to their feet, one by one. “C’mon, c’mon ya lazy bums I’m not gonna bloody well have ya missin’ two days of school.”

Felix batted her hands away from his spot curled up in the armchair, but she scooped him up and hoisted him over her shoulder.

“Everybody up,” she said more sternly, patting Felix’s butt near her shoulder with every syllable.

“Stop it, S!” he laughed, trying to get out of her grasp, but she just readjusted him on her shoulder.

Cosima jolted awake, blinking and remembering her glasses. She felt around on the ground for them, slipping them on and blinking a little more, only to realize she was staring up at Delphine. When had her head gotten in her lap? When had they gotten on the floor?

Delphine smiled down warmly at her, tapping Cosima’s nose once with her finger and grinning wider. “Bonjour.”

Cosima bolted upright, “Uhh, yeah, bonjour—I mean g’morning, shit.”

“Breakfast, and then school, d’ya hear?” Mrs. S asked, kicking Cosima’s foot to gain her attention. “Then you all go home, clothes and toothbrushes, you know the drill.”

They all grumbled their acknowledgements. Beth stirred in her sleep and immediately everyone quieted down a little. When they had all gathered up their things, they piled through the door, Alison hesitating to look behind her. Beth was still in a restless half-sleep, but she really did not like the idea of her waking up to an empty room.

Mrs. S put a hand on her shoulder. “C’mon, chicken. She’ll be fine. She only just fell asleep.” She moved her hand to put it on top of Alison’s head. “And she’d want you taking care of yourself, now wouldn’t she?”

Alison gave a dejected sigh, nodding and running her hand over her bangs to make sure they were flat. “Yes, alright.”

They ate their not so gourmet breakfast without complaint, mostly shoveling it down so fast they couldn’t taste it. “Three fifteen,” Sarah said with her mouth full. “I’ll be back three fifteen on th’ bloody dot.”

“I don’t want to go,” Alison admitted, pushing the food around on her plate.

Cosima looked at her sadly. “Alison, we need to keep our grades up and you know it.”

Alison frowned. “Yeah.”

Delphine sat quietly with her empty plate for a while, but eventually, she reached over and tugged on Mrs. S’s sleeve. “Can I maybe…talk to you?” she asked, low enough so no one else could hear.

Even though Siobhan was shocked, she didn’t show it, nodding once and slipping from the booth. Cosima glanced up, and in seeing Delphine following quickly glanced back to her friends. Shit. Ignore. Shit.

In the privacy of the hall, Mrs. S leaned against the wall. “What is it, love?”

“I, euh…do you work?”

 Siobhan’s brow furrowed. “Yes. I have to. Need to get income someway.”

“And you have been calling off?”

“Yes. I sure as hell ain’t leavin’ Elizabeth here by herself.”

“Oui!” Delphine exclaimed, pointing excitedly at nothing particular. “I mean…That is my point. I…” She bit her lip. “I do not have any obligations to the school. I could…stay here if you needed to…go into work for a little…comme les autres.” She waved back toward the cafeteria. “Merde, like the others, I meant.”

Mrs. S stared at her for a long time, the gears in her head turning. “If…if you’re up for it,” she said slowly.

Delphine nodded. “Anything to help.”

After a moment, Mrs. S reached into her bag, scrawling her number down and handing it to the girl. “If anything happens or if you don’t know what to do, you can call me, chicken, okay?”

Delphine looked down at the number and nodded again. “Bien sur.”

She turned to go back to the cafeteria when she stopped.

“You are the best thing these girls ever hand. If you…didn’t know,” she added timidly before running the rest of the way into the other room.


	31. Chapter 31

“MRS. S!”

Siobhan winced at the loud shout and the even louder slam of the front door. Sarah arrived in the kitchen not a second later, sleeves pulled down over her hands to hide the shaking.

“I need t’borrow some money,” Sarah said, and her voice was uneven. Trembling.

Siobhan tossed down the towel she was using to dry the dishes and turned to look at her eldest. “And what, pray tell, do you intend to do with that money?”

“S’…s’for… the movies.” Sarah wrung her hands nervously. Siobhan noted her darting eyes, the sweat beading on her forehead.

Siobhan Sadler was a lot of things, but she sure as hell wasn’t stupid.

“Bullshit, Sarah,” she said. “This has gone on long enough.” She stepped closer. “It needs to stop. Now.”

“I don’t…” Sarah tried to deny the claim. “I’m, I don’t know-”

“Drugs, Sarah. I was a teenager once. I was in a bad place once. I’d know that look anywhere, and I’ve let it go on too long.”

“I just n-need th’money, S,” Sarah started to beg, her hands trembling harder. “Tha’s all I need, an’… an’ everyfing will be fine, yea?”

“No, Sarah,” Siobhan said, folding her arms. “Everything will not be fine. You need help.”

Sarah screamed then, so abrupt and loud that Siobhan took a step back. Sarah’s hand whipped out, knocking a stack of plates to the floor.

“Why’re you doin’ this to me, Mrs. S?” she asked with a hysterical laugh of disbelief, a desperation leaking into her voice as she took a step closer. “Why ya gotta… hurt me like this?” Every word was punctuated with a wild gesture.

“Sarah, I’m trying to help you,” Siobhan insisted calmly.

“No!” Sarah screamed, and suddenly she was moving, knocking things off the counter, throwing things. She ripped every single drawing, every single family photo off the fridge and tore them apart, all while howling obscenities.

And then Felix was there, all white-faced and incredibly small in the wake of his sister’s destruction. He didn’t say anything, just stood there, still and wide-eyed.

Siobhan took one look and knew she needed to do something.

“Sarah,” she said quietly, approaching the girl like she would a wild animal (and they were almost the same thing, weren’t they?)

Sarah didn’t react.She was busy throwing plates at the walls.

“Sarah,” she tried again, putting a hand to Sarah’s shoulder. And that’s when Sarah finally reacted.

By putting her fist in Siobhan’s face.

And Siobhan reacted the only way she knew how.

By returning the favor.

Sarah stumbled backward into the counter, momentarily stunned, hand on her face.

Siobhan had only a moment to stare in horror before she told herself she needed to move.

“Come on, sweetheart,” she said to Felix, rushing forward and ushering him out of the room. “We’re going to go in the bathroom, ok? Come along.”

She tried to stay calm, for him, but her hand burned with the remains of what she’d just done.

She’d struck Sarah.

She’d hit one of her own kids.

Her heart hurt.

It was as she was locking the door to the bathroom that she noticed Felix crying.

“It’s all right, darling,” she insisted, hand on his head while she listened for movement outside.

“Sarah isn’t… Sarah anymore,” he whimpered.

Just then, as if summoned, Sarah began to beat on the door.

“God, please!” she sobbed, voice breaking. “I’m in so much trouble, Mrs. S. Please, I need you to help me please I’m in so much PAIN it HURTS PLEASE.”

Siobhan closed her eyes.

“You say you love me but you don’t you don’t love me nobody would let someone suffer like this if they loved them you don’t love me you hate me I hurt so much oh please-”

She pulled out her phone.

“If you don’t open this goddamn door I’ll have to break it down please don’t make me do this-”

She dialed 911.

–

Siobhan blinked, surprised to find herself in her car.

How long had she just been sitting out here, lost in her memories?

She sighed and started the car.

Sarah wasn’t in that place anymore, she reminded herself.

And she wouldn’t let Elizabeth get there.

–

Lunch was eerily quiet.

Nobody had much to say, all of them buried in their own thoughts. Even Cosima couldn’t bring herself to eat anything, salad untouched.

“Do you think she’s ok?” Alison asked quietly.

“I bet she’s fine,” insisted Sarah. “She’s probably givin’ Delphine a hard time, righ’ now.”

Cosima grinned at the mention of the exchange student. “That was… so cool of her to stay with Beth like that.”

“Mm,” Sarah grunted in agreement. She couldn’t even make a joke about Cosima being smitten because it was true. Delphine didn’t even know them and yet she had done them a huge favor.

It wasn’t something Sarah would forget.

“Yo, Manning,” called a gruff voice, and Sarah looked up.

“Art,” she said carefully.

“You seen Beth lately? She hasn’t been around.”

Sarah looked at the others, seeing what she needed to do in their faces. “Uhhh, yea. Yea, she’s fine. She jus’, uh. Has the flu. Probably gonna be out all week.”

“Damn,” he said. “That sucks. Well, thanks. Later.”

“La’er.”

The silence that remained was deafening.

–

Delphine sat quietly in the armchair, reading a book she’d originally brought along for the flight.

Beth stirred awake, moaning.

“Good morning,” murmured Delphine. “How are you feeling?”

“Shitty,” muttered Beth, running a hand through her hair. Or trying, at least. Her hand got snagged halfway through.

Jesus. What did a girl have to do to get a hair brush around here?

“Where’s everyone?” Beth asked, heaving herself into a sitting position.

“School,” Delphine replied casually.

“And Mrs. S?”

“She went to, ah, her work. I told her I would… stay in her place.”

“Really?” Beth asked, surprised, and before she could stop it: “Why?”

Delphine smiled. “I do not know, really. I just… the way you all look out for each other… I felt like I needed to contribute.”

“That’s… really cool of you,” said Beth honestly. “Merci.”

Delphine just grinned.

–

Cosima was finding it hard to concentrate in class, which was a first.

She just couldn’t get the screams out of her head.

“Ya gotta help me, Cos.”

Cosima looked at Sarah’s restrained wrists and ankles. “They are helping you, Sarah,” she said, quietly. “This is for your own good.”

Sarah began to tug at the restraints. “God Cos it just burns it hurts so much. You’re my friend, righ’?”

Cosima froze. “Yea, o-of course.”

“Then you’d do anythin’ for me?”

“Sarah,” Cosima warned, and Sarah, sensing she wasn’t getting anywhere, began to pull harder.

“You lie!” she screamed. “You’re not my friend! You’re nothin’! Bloody useless! Get out just get out get the FUCK out I never want to see you again-”

Cosima felt Alison’s hand on her shoulder and shook herself out of the memory.

No matter how hard she tried to forget, Sarah’s clawed arms and cutting words would haunt her forever.


	32. Chapter 32

“How long was I out?” Beth asked, pulling her roll apart, but not eating it.

“An hour, most,” Delphine said sadly. “You were still awake when I fell asleep. And Mrs. S said you had only just  ”

Beth ran her hand over her face. “Shit. Well at least that explains why I feel like I slept on a pile of bricks. Is that…normal? I mean, am I…not gonna sleep that much?”

Delphine looked at her hesitantly before slowly shaking her head. “I, uhh…insomnia is a common symptom, oui.“

“Merde,” she breathed, and unaware she was riffing off Delphine’s French, she put her face in her hands. “I just want the pain to stop. I just…that’s all I ever wanted.”

“Je comprends.”

Beth shook her head, dropping her hands from her face before bringing them back to wipe her watering eyes. Delphine’s eyes went wide and she reached out hesitantly before pulling her hand back. “I… are you alright?”

“Huh?” Beth looked over at her, swiping her fingers under her eyes a final time. “Oh, yeah. I uhh…don’t worry, it’s a daily thing. I’m uhh…I’m used to it.”

She sniffled, wiping her nose with the back of her wrist. That sounded way worse than she thought it would. She was used to crying every day. She was used to it. She was used to being sad she was used to hating herself and the world and everything that ever happened. When…when had that happened?

When had her life gotten so out of control that she didn’t want to be in it anymore?

_“Just end it just end it please”_

She shook her head, but Sarah’s voice kept echoing back.

_“Please, for fuck’s sake kill me I can’t BLOODY TAKE IT!”_

_“Shut your gob,” Mrs. S said, her voice steely._

_“Why don’t you make me you stupid bitch; you let me down—“_

_Her sentence cut off when Siobhan grabbed her already secured wrist. “You shut up and you listen good. You are not my daughter._ You _are not the girl I raised. You are an ungrateful dirty little street rat junkie and I do not owe you one bloody thing. When you start acting like a goddamn human being, then we will talk.”_

 _Sarah’s eyes were wide as she stared up at her seething foster mother. And after making sure every single syllable had sunken in, Mrs. S released her wrist, turning and walking into the hall, where she promptly let her tears go. Of course Sarah was still her daughter. And of course she didn’t blame her. Drugs were a strong thing to overcome and she_ knew _the science behind it. She also knew if Sarah didn’t get knocked down a few pegs she could and she_ would _escape. She jumped at the feel of arms around her waist, lifting her arms up to see three pairs of eyes looking up at her. Three sets of arms holding her around her waist._

_“It’s okay, girls,” she murmured, wrapping her arms around them as best she could. “I’m alright. We’re alright.”_

_Beth gave a determined look, and without a word she slipped from the embrace and went right for the door. Upon seeing her, Sarah rolled her eyes. “March your bloody arse right back out that bloody door I don’t need your bloody high and mighty speech—“_

_“You can treat me like shit all you want, Sarah, but you leave S out of this.”_

_“If you’re not gonna help me then GET OUT.” Sarah propped herself up on one elbow to lean menacingly toward Beth._

_“Get out? And what? Sit in the halls like we have the past two days because your_ friends _are too scared to come talk to you?”_

_Sarah tugged on her restraints and rolled her eyes, giving a dark laugh. “I didn’t bloody ask ya to come here, now did I? I didn’t ask for a fuckin’ babysitter so just leave—“_

_“NO,” Beth shouted, tears in her eyes and muddling her what would’ve been sharp yell, “you left US, Sarah. We haven’t ever left you and we’re NOT STARTING NOW.”_

_Sarah looked over Beth’s shoulder to see Alison and Cosima, holding each other, eyes watering. With a grunt she looked away and to the opposing wall. “They got me. They understood—“_

_Beth laughed, throwing her hands up. “So where the fuck are they?! Where’s your in crowd? Where’s your best buds? Oh right, they’re off getting high somewhere without you because they don’t give a_ damn _about you. Are you that fucking stupid—“_

_Sarah yelled angrily, tugging at her restraints, back arching off the bed. “Just make it STOP bloody CHRIST IT FUCKING BURNS LEMME OUT OR GO THE FUCK AWAY”_

_Beth sighed. But with careful steps she walked closer. Sarah stared up at her, eyes blazing with an anger and hatred she’d never seen before. But the punk didn’t move. She stared up at Beth, fists clenched, jaw tight, unmoving and glaring and just about coiled tightly enough Beth feared she’d explode._

_Slowly, she leaned down, kissed Sarah’s forehead. “It’ll get better,” she said quietly. “And we’re not going anywhere. That’s a promise.”_

She snapped out of it when she realized how hard she was crying, and how somehow she had ended up in Delphine’s lap, sobbing into her neck.

“Shit,” she muttered, pulling away, looking away, embarrassed. “I, uhh…”

Delphine gave her a warm smile, one laced with genuine worry. “It’s…okay. Vraiment.”

And for some reason, Beth believed her. Her flash of embarrassment was gone, only to be replaced by a familiar aching sadness.

“Je veux courir,” she said firmly. She wanted that feeling. She wanted that running high and she could feel her legs cramping up from sitting around for so long.

Delphine looked hesitantly toward the door and back, opening her mouth and pausing, clearly trying to form some kind of excuse.

Beth swallowed, reaching out and putting her hand on top of Delphine’s. “ _Courir_ ,” she repeated, “Pas fuir. Je te promets.”

Delphine bit her lip, and after a few seconds of searching Beth’s eyes for any kind of lie, she nodded minutely.

…

Dressed in her only street clothes, Beth walked to the track as fast as she could, trying to ignore the two nurse shadows she’d picked up. When she got there, however, her knees nearly gave out at who she saw standing there waiting.

She blinked a few times, suddenly self-conscious of how bad she probably looked. “Art, uhh…w-what are you doing here? Isn’t school still in session?”

He shrugged. “Yeah.”

“How’d…you find me?”

“Your friends are terrible liars.” He grinned a little. “They mean well, but just…terrible, terrible liars.”

She looked down at her shoes, her chest tightening at the thought of them trying to cover for her. Trying to stop all the rumors that were probably flying around.

“Hey,” he said, nudging her shoulder. “You wanna run or you just come here to stare at the damn thing?”

She looked up, surprised, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “Yeah. I…Yeah.”

She started off running and he kept her pace, and if she concentrated really hard, it almost felt like they were just at cross country practice. Like a regular day.

“When I asked what you were doing here, I kinda…meant why,” she admitted, glancing over at him.

“I know.” He caught her eye before looking straight ahead once again. “I told you, Childs, I got your back. Were you not listening?”

She looked straight in front of her again, wishing that she had been listening, not too long ago, when he had, in fact, told her. She hid her sigh among her slowly increasing breathing.

“Hell,” he added, “I’ll be your fucking cheerleader if you need it. Mini-skirt and all.”

A chuckled bubbled up that startled the both of them, and she grinned to herself, relishing the feeling. “No thanks, man. No one deserves to see that.”

He smirked. “Know the offer always stands.”

They ran the next few laps in silence, and she tried to ignore how badly her muscles were screaming. How tired she suddenly felt. Luckily, he slowed and then stopped, as if already aware. She sighed, running her fingers through her hair. “Fuck.”

He wrapped an arm around her, pulling her in for half a hug. “Your body’s just fighting, Childs. You’ll get it back. And I’ll be ready for when it does.” She looked up at him, catching his teasing smirk. “Because you  _know_  how much I need you in those races. Almost getting beat by a girl’s what keeps my times lower.”

She tried not to grin. She tried really hard. But she couldn’t contain it. “C’mere, dipshit,” she muttered, turning and wrapping both her arms around him in a real hug. They stayed there swaying a little for a few seconds before she pulled away. “Uhh…thanks, man.”

…

Alison tried to focus in study hall. She really did. She had all her notes out in front of her, notecards ready to be written, but all she could do was sit there and stare at them and remember how…absolutely wonderful it felt to lay there with Beth all night. Even when they barely touched. Even when they barely acknowledged each other’s presence. Even when they  _did_ touch, Beth’s skin was sweaty and burning. She just couldn’t seem to think of anything else, and with an aggravated huff, she closed her notebook and stood, walking over to where Cosima was sitting, bent over her a book and reading it like her life depended on it.

“Cosima, can I maybe…talk to you?”

Cosima looked up from her reading.

“Are you, uhh…sober?” She reached out, put her pointer finger on Alison’s shoulder and pushed, watching Alison sway with the force and sway back to her original stance, balance fully intact.

Still, she put her finger back to do it again and Alison batted it away with a huff. “ _Yes_ , I’m sober, now stop messing around.”

Cosima chuckled, waving her to sit down. “Alright, alright, what’s up?”

“I like Beth.”

Cosima smirked, putting a Twizzler in her mouth and letting it hang there. “Yeah, we’ve established that.” She looked back to her notes, grabbing hold of the candy with one hand to start gnawing on it.

“No, Cosima,” Alison leaned closer. “I  _like_  her.”

Cosima’s eyes shot up to meet Alison’s, her mouth dropping open just a little. She quickly cleared her throat, going back to eating her Twizzler. “Holy Watershed, Alison,” she breathed. “Why the hell are you here telling me? Go do something about it you idiot—“

“Because I…I…” Alison wrung her hands, fidgeting with her collar. “I’m not entirely sure if I’m comfortable with…with…”

Cosima sighed. She pointed the half-eaten Twizzler at Alison. “Look. Either you like her or you don’t.”

“I do.”

“Either you think she’s attractive or you don’t—“

“I  _do_  but I…I can’t…I can’t seem to get over the fact that she’s…”

Alison struggled to get the rest of the sentence out, sputtering over all the words in the dictionary except the one she wanted. Cosima raised her eyebrows, turning her hand in a circular motion. “Because she’s a woman?” she prompted slowly, Alison falling silent.

She bit her lip, tugging at her collar, and looking anywhere but Cosima, she nodded just a little.

Cosima gave a sympathetic look, exhaling slowly. “Look, Alison, that’s not a question I can answer for you, alright? You just…You have to think about it and decide for yourself. If…if it feels right, then you should…go for it. But if not, I just…don’t…” Cosima closed her eyes, bracing to say what she really thought. “Just don’t…do anything stupid, alright? She’s…she’s got enough shit as it is.”

She opened one eye to judge Alison’s reaction, and after seeing the girl wasn’t going to explode, she opened her other eye and relaxed her posture.

The with a careful hand, Cosima reached out, taking hold of Alison’s wrist gently. “It’s…okay to not know, y’know?” She tilted her head a little. “I mean it’s…okay to just enjoy spending time with her and if something happens it…happens. That way you don’t have to worry about it or…or labeling it or whatever.”

She shrugged, pulling her book closer to her again and finishing off the Twizzler. “Mind you, I dunno how good advice from the single bisexual girl is.” She laughed at Alison’s expression of shock, shrugging. “Just saying.”

…

The final bell rang and all three of them were rushing for the door. Get to Beth.

“Manning.  _Manning!”_

She winced. No, just keep going, keep going keep—

Her body jerked as Paul caught her arm and pulled her to a stop. She tried to yank it back. “Not now, Dierden, I’ve got somewhere to be.”

“Look, whatever’s got you pissed at me, I don’t know. But I just wanted to tell you that your gang’s back in town.”

She stopped pulling at his grasp, at which point he let go. “Wha’?”

“They’re back. College break lets out earlier—“

“It’s bloody  _November_.”

He frowned. “I didn’t tell you so you could argue with me. I told you ‘cause I thought you’d wanna know.”

She sucked in half a breath, but didn’t let it out. “I, uhh…yeah. Thanks, man.”

She turned and kept running to her house. She couldn’t tell them they’d think she’d go back she wasn’t going to go back so why couldn’t she tell them.

_Shit._

_No._

_You wanna go back you wanna go see them you don’t wanna see their stupid disappointed looks when they realize what you’ve done._

_No no nonononono_

She shook her head sharply. Beth. Beth is what’s important. _Go home get your things and get your bloody arse to the hospital or so help me God._

She tried to think of anything else. Think of Beth. She pictured the room. She pictured being there and keeping her calm and distracted and safe. She tried to physically put herself there. With the bland walls and the nasty bleach smell. She pictured the garbage can in the corner overflowing with all the takeout containers they brought back and exactly how they had aligned their chairs around the bed. She was there. She was right there with her she just needed a few more minutes.

Wait.

She almost froze mid-step.

Thinking harder, she pictured the room again. Something was off. Something was missing in her image. And then she remembered it. There had been a card on the table. A fricking birthday card. When had that gotten there? Whose was it?

She shrugged. That was something she’d have to figure out when she got there.

Just focus.

Get your clothes. Get your toothbrush and get the hell to that hospital.

…

Beth checked her phone, groaning and rolling over onto her stomach. “I feel like  _shitttt_ ,” she muttered.

Delphine too checked the time. “They should be here in a half an hour.”

Beth groaned again, turning to put her face in her pillow. “It fuckin’ aches,” her words were muffled but loud. “It aches down to my fuckin’ bones, man. Like, shit I don’t even wanna move but…”

She clenched her hand that was still shaking, then groaned and released it, her fingers trembling. She let out a whining sound, gripping the sheets. “Make it stop,” she mumbled. “Just…just make it stop.”

Delphine bit her lip. She knew the next sentence out of Beth’s mouth. She knew it before it even started spilling out. “Please just get me some meds. Please. I…shit it feels like something’s clawing its way out of my bones. Like it’s tearing through them.  _Jesus Christ, please_.” Her fist clenched tighter around the cotton fabric, and she forced her face harder into the pillow.

“I could…work your muscles out,” she offered hesitantly. “And while…while it cannot help that…deep-seated ache, it would at least get…blood flowing, oui?”

Beth lifted her head enough to see Delphine. “You would do that?”

Delphine shrugged. “Pourquoi pas?” She was just glad the conversation had distracted Beth enough to forget the pain.

Beth shrugged back. “I dunno, ‘cause you’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty already.”

“Tais-toi,” Delphine ordered gently.

Sighing, Beth gave a little nod. “Fine. Yes. Have at it. Do your worst.”

Delphine’s brow furrowed and Beth laughed half-heartedly. “It’s…ironic. Ton mieux, pas ton pire.“

"Ahh,” Delphine nodded, standing up. Beth just dropped her head back to the pillow. “Euh…Beth?”

“Hmm?”

“It’d be easier if I could actually…get to your back.”

“I’m on my stomach. What else could you want?”

“For you to…peut-etre…untie the gown…?

Beth grinned slyly despite her tiredness, ready to take full advantage of her hesitation. “Is this the part where you fly around the world for Cosima and then fall in love with my smokin’ hot body?”

Delphine smiled timidly. “Do not worry. I do not…like girls.”

Beth’s grin widened a little before she forced on a serious face to untie her gown.

"C'est ce que je pensais,” she said with a sigh. “Guess it only takes one girl to throw that right out the fucking window.”

Delphine tilted her head as she crawled up into bed. “Vraiment? Tell me all about her.”

Beth chuckled into the pillow. “I’ll share if you share—“

“There’s nothing to share!” Delphine protested, biting her lip unconsciously as she thought to Cosima. Just for a second, though. Not even a second. She shook her head. Merde.

“Bullshit,” Beth rolled her head to the side. “That’s the deal, blondie. I share you share.”

Sighing, Delphine caught her eye and nodded.  Beth nodded back and then closed her eyes, trying not to jump as Delphine straddled the backs of her thighs. “Jesus, woman,  you’re lucky I’m still wearing pants.”

Delphine laughed, pressing her thumbs gently into Beth’s shoulders. “Quoi? Once you turn for one, you turn for them all?”

Beth snorted, reaching behind her to whack Delphine’s leg. “No, you idiot. I just wouldn’t want you getting a nice view of my ass. Especially since you’re  _totally_  not gay.”

Delphine pressed harder into her neck, trying to ignore how many knots and tension she felt. “Stop being a smartass et commencer le partage.”


	33. Chapter 33

Jesus, Beth thought.

How does one describe Alison Hendrix?

“She’s just so… wonderful, you know?” Beth said into the pillow, grunting every time Delphine’s hands pressed into a particularly taut muscle. “And… merde, she is so… elle est si belle.”

Delphine murmured her understanding.

“And kind. And caring. I don’t think anyone cares about me the way she does.”

Delphine just hummed again. “Do you love her?“

Beth blushed. “Um… I don’t really… Je ne suis pas sûre.”

“Does she make you happy?”

“Well, yea, but-”

“Can you see your life without her in it?”

Beth sighed. “No. Never.”

“Then you love her.”

“Ok, fine,” grumbled Beth. “If you know so much, then tell me. You like Cosima, don’t you? Don’t even try to friggin’ lie because I can totally see it. It’s understandable, I mean. Cos is a total cutie.”

Delphine giggled despite her nervousness. “Better?” she asked as she climbed off Beth’s back.

“Mm. A lot better, actually,” Beth sighed, rolling onto her side. “Where’d you learn to do that?”

“My mother, she is… euh… she does that for a living. She taught me a thing or two.”

“You have magic hands,” Beth told her, but then she quickly snapped out of it. “Ugh, God. Don’t try to change the subject!”

“I do not… like girls,” Delphine insisted for the second time that day.

“But you like Cosima. Right?”

“I mean…” Delphine waved her hands, trying to find the right words in both French and English. “She is… very sweet. And, before I came here, we talked on the phone… a lot.”

“Yea, we all noticed, trust me,” laughed Beth. Delphine blushed a little.

“And it was so easy to talk to her. She is… merde, I’m having trouble finding the right word.”

“Say it in French. I might know it.”

“No,” laughed Delphine. “No, I mean… I can’t find the right word in any language. She is… beyond language.”

Beth paused.

“Holy shit,” she said. “You’re totally in love with her!”

Delphine reached over to swat her arm. “Tais-toi!”

–

Sarah sat on the edge of the hospital bed, wringing her hands nervously.

It felt good to finally be getting out.

It felt good to finally be able to breathe without feeling like she might combust, lungs first.

It felt good to be in her own clothes, warm and soft.

So then why did she still feel so shitty?

She couldn’t kid herself; she knew exactly why.

“Get out get the fuck out-”

“You are not my daughter-”

“You left US, Sarah!”

Sarah moaned and dropped her head in her hands.

She didn’t think she could ever hate anyone as much as she hated herself in that moment.

Mrs. S came in then, having filled out the necessary paperwork.

“Ready?” Siobhan asked, grabbing the rest of her things off the chair that had been her home for the past almost-month. She didn’t spare Sarah a single look.

“Yes,” Sarah said softly.

She slid off the hospital bed and followed a quiet Siobhan out into the sunlight.

–

“Hey,” Cosima greeted Delphine with a grin as Sarah passed them up to flop unceremoniously on Beth’s bed, causing the other girl to groan. Alison was close behind, Felix’s hand in hers as she chastised Sarah.

“Hello,” said Delphine quietly. “How was school?”

“Weird,” Cosima answered, sitting next to Delphine on the floor against the wall.

“Oh? Weird, how?”

“Without Beth, it was just…” Cosima shook her head. “I don’t know. And you could just… feel that everything was wrong, you know?” She put a hand to her forehead. “That doesn’t make sense. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, do you want to go for a walk?” Delphine asked, sensing Cosima’s distress. She nudged the other girl’s shoulder with her own, smiling.

“Yea, sure,” mumbled Cosima, and they left Sarah and Beth arguing over something dumb and Alison and Felix talking about school.

“How was your day?” Cosima asked as they walked the halls of the hospital.

“It was… fun, actually,” said Delphine, and at Cosima’s puzzled gaze, added, “Beth is a good conversationalist.”

“She’s way better at French than I am, that’s for sure,” said Cosima. Delphine could hear the self-deprecation beneath the light-heartedness.

“Hey,” Delphine said, reaching for Cosima’s shoulder and stopping them both in their tracks. “You are good enough. Tu comprends?”

“Oui,” said Cosima quickly and without thinking. Her face burned, and standing here, looking at this beautiful girl, she could almost pretend everything was all right.

She was overcome with a strange feeling then; a heat that rose in her until she could no longer stand it.

Delphine was just standing there, smiling and perfect and radiant and kind-

So Cosima did the only thing she could think to do.

She kissed her.

For just an instant, everything was suspended. It was as if time stopped, and Cosima closed her eyes and felt Delphine’s softness beneath her.

But then, too quickly, Delphine was pulling away.

“Merde,” the French girl whispered. “Je suis désolée. I… I do not…”

“Shit,” grunted Cosima, eyes wide behind fogged lenses. “Oh, man. Delphine? Did I make a mistake?”

“Um, it’s ok,” Delphine insisted. “It’s just, I don’t… I don’t… you know…”

Cosima sighed. “I know. You don’t like girls.”

Delphine nodded.

“I’m sorry,” Cosima said again. “I, uh. I have to… go use the bathroom. I’ll meet you back in the room.”

Delphine decided not to point out that Beth’s room had a bathroom in it.

–

Cosima slammed the stall door shut, breathing hard.

Jesus Christ, Niehaus, have you no self control?

She took her glasses off with one hand, covering her eyes with the other.

She was always fucking up.

–

The car ride home was quiet. Felix sat in the backseat, furiously playing on his Gameboy to avoid conversation. Sarah tugged at the hem of her shirt, looking anywhere but at the woman behind the wheel.

When they arrived home, it was strange. Sarah stood around awkwardly, as if this were a stranger’s house and she was waiting to be invited to sit.

Someone else’s shoes were at the door.

This wasn’t her home anymore, she knew.

She’d locked herself out.

“I… I should go,” she said quietly, reaching for her backpack. Siobhan whipped her head around to frown at her.

“Excuse me?”

“You were right. I… I’m no’ your daughter. I los’ tha’ right. You’ve already done so much for me, and I’ve jus’ thrown it in your face. I don’ deserve this. You don’ owe me nuffin’.”

And suddenly, the speech she’d screamed at Sarah - the one where she’d called her a street rat and essentially disowned her - came rushing back to Siobhan’s memory in full surround sound. Her chest immediately constricted, her eyes tearing up.

“Sarah-” she started, unable to hide the tears.

“I fucked up,” Sarah began to cry, too. “I fucked up so bad and I don’t deserve t’stay, I don’-”

She was interrupted by Mrs. S’s arms pulling her in close. “Shut your mouth,” Siobhan choked. “You are my daughter, Sarah. You always have been and you always will be, blood or no. Nothing will ever change that, d’ya understand?”

Sarah nodded and hugged her tighter.

Felix snapped his Gameboy shut and put it away.

They were going to survive this.

They had to.

–

“You guys are shit liars, by the way,” Beth announced to the room at large, and Sarah and Alison both looked at her, confused.

“Art showed up at the track,” Beth clarified.

“Shi’, Beth,” sighed Sarah. “I tried, really, but you know Art. He’d make an even better detective than you.”

“I don’t-”

“Yea, save it. We all know ya don’ wanna be a cop. Don’ mean you wouldn’ make a damn good one.”

“Anyway,” Beth went on, pretending she didn’t hear that, “I wasn’t saying I was pissed. I just wanted to say thanks for lookin’ out for me.”

Sarah looked surprised. “…. Oh.”

“Well, that is what we’re here for,” Alison said, waving a hand noncommittally.

Just then, the door opened, revealing Delphine. But no Cosima.

“Oi, where’s Cos?”

“She, euh… went for a walk,” Delphine said awkwardly.

And Beth knew what happened by the mere look on Delphine’s face.

Shit.

–

Night came peaceful and quiet, but everyone could feel its jaws hovering threateningly above them in the way Beth’s tremors came back full force.

Delphine looked over to Cosima, who had sat by herself in a corner with her books and hadn’t moved since. She could see tension in the brunette’s shoulders, and her heart ached to know she was the cause.

She remembered her conversation with Beth, and studying the slope of Cosima’s neck from across the room she couldn’t help but wonder if the other girl was right.

There was something about Cosima that drew her in, more than any boy Delphine had known. She was bright and she was life and…

And Delphine feared she loved her.

That word. Fear. Why should she fear love? Love was supposed to be a happy feeling. It wasn’t fair that she was allowing it to cause both of them so much pain.

She’d only known Cosima a few days, but she knew that was more than enough time for her to fall.

She made up her mind, and, standing, moved to take a new seat against the wall beside Cosima’s study corner.

Cosima did not look up, though whether she was ignoring Delphine or justthat engrossed in her book, the blonde could not be sure.

“Cosima.”

Cosima looked up, then, but did not seem surprised to find Delphine there. “Hey. Not afraid I’m gonna… jump your bones?”

Delphine laughed and scrunched her nose, showing she didn’t understand the colloquial phrase.

“Nevermind,” laughed Cosima, waving a dismissive hand.

“I just… I can’t…” Delphine took a breath. Why did her heart pound so?

“I can’t… stop thinking about that kiss.”

Cosima paused, flipping a page in her book and pretending to be nonchalant. “Like, in a… not bad way?”

“Oh, like…” Delphine grappled for the proper words. “I’ve never considered bi… merde, what is the word?”

“Bisexuality.”

“Right, yes… bisexuality. I’ve never considered that for myself. But, I know that… things can change. And you are very special, Cosima Niehaus. I speak two languages and I still cannot find the words to say how I feel about you.”

“Wow,” breathed Cosima, blushing. “That’s… super romantic.”

Delphine smiled. “You know they say French people are the most romantic.”

“They aren’t lying,” Cosima laughed. Delphine held out her hand.

Cosima took it.

She didn’t let go.

–

Midnight had Beth’s insides screaming, and she squirmed. It was in her, a monster, and it either wanted to be fed or to rip her to shreds. There was no in between, no middle ground. One or the other.

Pop pills or be ripped apart.

She was dying. She had to be. Nothing else could explain this feeling.

“Shhh,” Alison breathed, smoothing sweaty hair from where it adhered to Beth’s forehead. “It’s ok. You’re ok.”

The others had fallen asleep a few hours ago, piled on the floor and crammed onto chairs. The only other sound besides Beth’s moans was the sound of soft sleep.

“I’m dying,” sobbed Beth, and she was so convinced that her hand shot out to hold Alison’s wrist tightly.

“No,” Alison assured her gently. “You aren’t dying, Beth. Shh.”

“I am,” Beth insisted, licking her cracked lips. She was so certain. It was in her now, scratching and ripping. It ruptured her organs, broke her ribs in half.

She wasn’t going to get any drugs.

She could not feed it.

And so, it would kill her.

She had to tell Alison how she felt now, before it was too late.

The thought struck her with all the suddenness of a bomb, and she looked at Alison, staring into her eyes.

“Ali,” she breathed. “I have to tell you something, before it’s too late.” She moaned again, her back arching.

“You don’t have to tell me anything because you aren’t going anywhere,” Alison said, Beth’s grip on her wrist becoming almost painful.

“No, no, it’s gonna kill me I have to I have to tell you you have to know I can’t I need to-”

“Ok,” soothed Alison. “Ok. What is it? You can tell me.”

Beth heaved in a shuddering, tearful breath, her mouth turning forcefully down at the corners as the gravity of her pain tugged at it. “Promise not to freak out?”

“Of course. I would never.” Alison brought Beth’s clammy hand to her lips, kissed it gently.

“I… I-I-I love you.” Beth’s body shuddered with more broken sobs. “I love you so much I just needed you to know I love you-”

If Alison was shocked, she did not show it. Instead she leaned over, pressing her lips to Beth’s forehead the way she had so many times before. This time felt different, somehow, and Beth started to calm. Sleep, merciful and sweet, tugged at the edges of her vision.

“Shh,” Alison said again. “I know you do.”

Beth’s eyes slid closed.

Alison smiled.

“I love you, too.”


	34. Chapter 34

Sarah rolled in her sleep, wrapping her arms tighter around her backpack she’d been using for a pillow.

_Fuckfuckfuckfuck_

_Mrs. S practically had to shove her out the door to go to school. She’d even tried to distract her mother by going in for a long hug, which Mrs. S had accepted, but, arms still wrapped around her daughter, she had started taking steps toward the door._

_“I don’t wanna go,” she mumbled, “I-I can’t do it I just can’t.”_

_Tears were already tugging at her eyes when Siobhan pulled back and squatted down to her level. “How old are you, missy?”_

_“F-fourteen.”_

_“That’s right.” Mrs. S stroked her hair lightly, smiling at her proudly. “And how much have you survived?”_

_“A’lot.”_

_“Mhm.”_

_She gently took hold of Sarah’s trembling chin. “You’ve survived something most adults can’t. So stick this out,” she squeezed her chin, “and you show those little high school brats who’s boss.”_

_“But…but Mom…” It slipped out._

_It slipped out and left them both shocked, standing there, Mrs. S’s hand still cupping Sarah’s chin, Sarah’s eyes widening._

_“I, shit, I…”_

_But before she could say anything else, Mrs. S ruffled her hair and stood, kissing the top of her head. “I won’t have you bein’ bloody late for your first day back, you hear, chicken?”_

_Sarah nodded wordlessly, stumbling a little down the front path._

_…_

_She felt their stares, in the halls and in her classrooms. She felt their stares no matter how far she tried to bury herself in her hood. And the teachers let her do it, where they would normally call her out in front of the whole room, tell her off for disobeying dress code. They didn’t give her a second glance as she tugged at the top of the hood and tried to block everything out but her notes._

_It didn’t work._

_Their gazes itched and burned and the more still she sat, the worse it got until she felt her nails digging into both her forearms. Were they seeing something she wasn’t? Were her eyes still sunken and her face still pale? Was her black eye from Siobhan still there?_

_No. That was definitely gone. She’d watched it disappear every day more and more until she was sure any trace of it was gone._

_She didn’t smell bad she didn’t look any different why was everyone staring? Or were they staring? Was she just imagining it?_

_Carefully she peeked out of the edge of her hood, only to meet eyes with a girl she’d never even spoken to before. She cursed under her breath and pulled the hood back down, staring down at her blank page of notes she’d failed to take._

_But that wasn’t what she was dreading. She wasn’t dreading stepping out into the halls and feeling a billion more stares directed her way; at the shadows of her face and at her stomach and legs and forearms, no. That wasn’t the worst._

_She was dreading lunch._

_She made sure she walked slowly to the cafeteria when the bell rang. She made sure she was the last one in line, the one that stretched all the way out into the hall. She made sure she kept her hood up, her grip tight on her backpack straps. Disappear, Sarah, just disappear._

_She’d never felt like that, before. She’d never not wanted to be noticed. It was new and scary and she didn’t like it. Was this how Cosima felt? Was this why she was the way she was? How had she not known this before?_

_Shit; now she felt like a shit student, a shit person, and a shit friend. Well…she’d already felt that before._

You left US, Sarah

 _Beth’s voice still echoed in her ears. So loud and fractured and just_ desperate _. She rubbed her forearms through her sleeves; they ached when she got stressed._

_She got her lunch from the lunch lady with a mumbled thank you and a downcast stare. She punched in her ID number slow and deliberately at the cashier. She didn’t know why she was stalling. It wasn’t like the bell was going to ring anytime soon._

_With a heavy sigh, she turned to face the already crowded, already noisy room. Immediately two open spots caught her eye. The entire empty half of the smart kids table and her old seat beside Cosima, currently occupied by a backpack._

_She hesitated. She hesitated for a second and in that second she felt her heart closing in. There was no way they’d take her back. Not after everything she put them through._

We never left and we’re not starting now.

_She shook her head. Don’t be hopeful, Manning, hopes are what get you crushed._

_But her feet were already pulling her over there. They pulled her over there faster than her mind was able to come up with a sentence, so she just stood behind the seat, holding her tray, mouth open a little. None of them looked up. But she hesitated for just a little too long._

_“What’s wrong, Manning, gone too long?”_

_She closed her eyes, fighting the urge to both punch the kid’s lights out and cry all at once. “Did your friends bag you?”_

_A chorus of laughter erupted. She opened her eyes just in time to see a flash, and then the laughing stopped. She blinked a few times, trying to focus on what had happened. In a moment of bravery, she turned around, only to see the kid wiping pulling pieces of a sandwich off his face._

_Her head whipped back around fast, taking in the table in front of her. No one was looking, but the backpack was gone. And Alison was suddenly stealing fries off Beth’s tray as she turned the page in her English book, her bag lunch empty._

_Sarah cleared her throat to try and clear the tears, sitting down without argument and trying desperately not to cry when two hands, one on each side, rubbed her back a few times before slipping back into their owners laps._

_…_

She jerked awake with a grunt, coming face to face with Felix’s shoe. She groaned, shoving it away. He laughed quietly. “S told me to get everyone up,” he reasoned.

“Yeah, yeah,” she muttered, pushing herself to a standing position and glancing about the room. Cosima and Delphine were in some awkward silent conversation, looking at each other and looking away the moment they caught eyes, straightening their wrinkled clothes and fixing their sleep-mussed hair, trying and failing to look anywhere but each other.

Shit.

Her eyes then fell on Beth and Alison, fast asleep in bed.

 _Shit_.

She clumsily stood up, swaying with a headrush. Was she the only one who was destined to be alone?

“Breakfast,” she muttered, albeit too harshly, but it caught Cosima and Delphine’s attention. They nodded, Cosima’s hand flying to the back of her neck to rub it, gesturing for Delphine to go first with her other. Sarah just rolled her eyes, but in glancing back to Beth, she felt her grumpiness fading. There was a smile. A really small smile on her friend’s face, and that was something she hadn’t seen for a while. Not genuinely, anyway.

Walking over to nudge Alison awake, she jumped when Siobhan caught her wrist. A gentle shake of her foster mother’s head told her to leave them be, and she nodded in return, watching Mrs. S exit with no sound at all. She herself turned to go, but the birthday card caught her eye. She glanced about the otherwise empty room, reaching over and grabbing it before running to catch up with the others.

…

Beth stirred, grumbling incoherently at how her joints screamed at her. She stretched, immediately freezing when the backs of her thighs pressed into something warm. Something  _Alison_. She tried to retract the movement, but Alison’s knees followed her legs up, keeping the distance between them minimal.

Shit shit shit shit shit

She tried to glance behind her, but when that failed her, she gently, carefully tried extracting herself from Alison’s hold. She didn’t want her getting any wrong ideas—

Alison shook her head, her face still pressed against Beth’s back, effectively nuzzling her with every disapproving shake of her head. “Stop moving,” Alison mumbled sleepily, her arm around Beth’s waist pulling them close together again. Beth held perfectly still. What was going on? What happened she had the most wonderful dream but…no.

“Please relax,” Alison breathed, kissing once between Beth’s shoulder blade, right in the gap her gown left.

It hadn’t been a dream. She’d said all those stupid things out  _loud_. To _Alison_.

Alison sighed, pressing another kiss to her spine. “Please?” she asked even more quietly.

Beth’s mind was running at full speed, and it was almost dizzying.  _What where how why she wh that’s_

Of course the one thing she said was the one thing she  _didn’t_  want to say.

“I thought being with me was ridiculous.”

It was Alison’s turn to stiffen, and after a long, terrifying few seconds, she felt Alison’s forehead rest against her back, the tickle of her bangs she loved so much. “We all say stupid things,” Alison mumbled, screwing her eyes shut tightly.  _Keep it together for her_.

The trembling of her words was enough for Beth to roll over, almost nose to nose with Alison. She looked hard into Alison’s pleading eyes (pleading for what? Forgiveness? Silence?)

“Stupid things have roots in truth.”

 _What are you_ doing _, Childs, she was_ kissing _your_ back _you dumb shit._

Alison reached out, hesitating momentarily before ghosting her fingers across Beth’s cheek, her eyes saddening. She traced Beth’s hairline, licking her lips to reverse their suddenly bone dry feeling. Beth’s eyes closed and she followed the same path down, tucking Beth’s hair between her ear and following softly down her jaw line.

“Because I was afraid,” she said quietly, turning her hand over to brush her knuckles against Beth’s jaw. “And if I lied to myself enough then maybe it’d just go away. Maybe it’d just disappear and I wouldn’t have to love you so much it hurt.”

Beth’s eyes fluttered open, only to see Alison’s usually bright eyes glossing over with tears, her jaw starting to tremble. “But then I lied to you. And it hurt so much worse and I-I…I didn’t think I’d ever get the chance again. I never thought you’d trust me with your feelings again an-and—“

She couldn’t talk anymore because Beth’s lips were on hers. Her hand slipped off Beth’s neck, falling down to catch her waist and pull her just a little closer. Beth cupped her cheek and felt her hot tears under her palm and it only made her kiss Alison more softly.

Her joints still burned and her bones still felt like someone was drilling into them, but it didn’t matter because she had warmth. And the pressure with which Alison pressed back against her. And she had something new. Something skipping around in her chest, bouncing around way too erratically to be called her heartbeat. Something relaxing all her muscles. Something steadying her fingers.

Alison was there.

Alison could be hers.

The little flex of Alison’s fingers she felt clutching her hip made her break out into a smile, Alison doing the same. And then she hiccupped from the aftermath of her tears and they were both laughing, Beth’s hand falling to relax around Alison’s waist, mirroring her and dropping her forehead right to Alison’s.

“I wasn’t kidding, you know,” she murmured, watching Alison’s face, even though her eyes were closed.

Alison quietly hummed her wordless question, exhaling softly, a smile already tugging at the corner of her lips.

“When I said I love you.” Beth couldn’t help the way the words shook. She’d never thought she’d really get to say them, without drugs or alcohol or hallucination or dream.

Alison bit her lip, nuzzling her nose gently against either side of Beth’s. “I meant it too,” she repeated, happy to know the words weren’t falling on deaf or delusional ears. Just Beth’s. “I love you.”

…

Mrs. S had to practically drag Alison out of there, but with the combined effort of all the girls, they managed to pry Alison away long enough for her to remember all her school duties. Beth already felt all the aching returning, from her feet all the way up to the dull ache in her head, but she gave Alison a little smile as she disappeared out the door.

With a smug smirk and a knowing eyebrow raise, Mrs. S pulled up a chair, settling down casually into it and putting her feet up on the bed.

“Well, now, love. Looks like it’s just you an’ me.”


	35. Chapter 35

Sarah was halfway to her first class when she remembered the birthday card.

She stopped in her tracks, causing a kid to ram into her back.

“Hey!” the kid said irritably. “Watch it!”

“You watch it, shit head!” Sarah shot back, punctuated by a middle finger. The kid just cursed under his breath a little and continued on his way.

Sarah veered to one side of the hall, out of the flow of traffic, and swung her backpack around to her front. Unzipping it, she dug out the card and opened it.

She furrowed her brow at the single word scrawled there. At least, she thought it was a word. It didn’t really look like one.

Russian, maybe?

Cosima’s voice echoed in her head then.

“I thought she was Ukrainian?”

Sarah remembered hysterical laughter and money being shoved at her.

Where had all that money come from?

She connected the dots.

–

Lunch time arrived with still no sight of Helena, much to Sarah’s irritation.

She just needed to ask her about the damn card. That was it. Nothing else.

She found Alison alone at their table and frowned.

“Where’s Cos and Frenchie?” she inquired.

“You should really stop calling her that. You’ll be happy to know she has a name,” Alison said distractedly, eyes on a book.

“Yea, I don’ care,” said Sarah.

“Anyways, I don’t know where they are.”

“Probably makin’ out.” Sarah snickered.

Alison clicked her tongue, raising her head for just a moment to give Sarah a withering look. “Sarah,” she chastised.

“Wha’? They’re totally in love an’ you know it. Did you see them this mornin’?”

Alison smiled a little, folding her hand just beneath her jaw and turning back to her book. “They were awfully red,” she stated. “It was very cute.”

“Yea,” said Sarah, suddenly impish. “I can think’a two other people who looked awfully… cute this mornin’.”

Alison’s head shot immediately up at that. “Shut up.”

“Wha’? I’m jus’ sayin’ you looked pretty cozy. I was kinda jealous, actually-”

A fry connected with her face and she laughed.

“So rude,” Alison sighed to herself.

–

Mrs. S had just left to get some food when the door to Beth’s room swung slowly open.

“Well, that was fast,” said Beth, and though she couldn’t even begin to fathom eating, she added, “Get anything good?”

But she didn’t get an answer, so she rolled over to face the door, only to be startled by a looming, hooded figure.

“Shit, Helena,” she grunted in surprise. “How the hell’d you get in here? You need a visitor’s pass.”

“They… thought I vas Sarah,” said Helena quietly, as if she still couldn’t believe it. “They just… let me come in.”

“Wow, really?” Beth propped herself up as best she could. “I guess with the hood on, you do kinda resemble her. You have the same walk.”

“Yes, vell,” Helena said, coming to sit in the chair by Beth’s bed. “I just vanted to make sure you’re all right.”

“Shouldn’t you, I dunno, be in school or something?”

“Eet does not matter eef I go or not.”

Beth didn’t know what to say to that, and for just a moment, she wondered what went on in Helena’s life outside of school and drugs. She wondered what the girl got up to outside of the times she saw her, wondered what made her so timid and yet so intense. Fragile, but dangerous. Like broken glass.

But she couldn’t bring herself to ask.

“At least take that hood off, man,” said Beth. “You look like a total serial killer.”

Helena hesitated, but then pulled the hood off, revealing a heavily bruised face.

“Christ,” said Beth quietly. “What the hell happened to you?”

“Nothing I did not deserve,” Helena said quietly, hands folded, eyes downcast.

Beth was about to ask more, but Helena interrupted her. “Do not… vorry about me. Just vorry about getting better. Yes?”

“S-sure,” stammered Beth, blushing a bit at the sentiment.

“Good.” Then Helena stood, came closer. She reached out her hand, slowly, deliberately, as if afraid Beth might bite her. With clumsy, shaky fingers, she touched Beth’s cheek, much the same way Beth had done hers not so long ago outside the school on that crisp Autumn day.

Wind burn.

It seemed like a lifetime ago.

“I am sorry,” Helena whispered. She leaned in, then, and placed an uncertain kiss on Beth’s hairline.

And then, as suddenly as she’d arrived, Helena was gone.

–

Cosima tugged Delphine’s hand, leading her to one of the lesser used halls of the school.

“Won’t your friends wonder where we are?”

“Yea, maybe,” said Cosima. “But I just don’t care.”

Delphine giggled as they approached the door of a single-stall, unisex bathroom. Cosima looked around to make sure nobody was watching, then hurriedly opened the door and pulled Delphine in. She locked the door behind them.

“You’re sure no one will catch us?” inquired Delphine. She wasn’t nervous, per se, but she worried about Cosima. For a girl who cared so much about the rules, she sure did break them a lot.

“I’m sure,” she said. “This bathroom’s been outta order since like, freshman year. I smoke in here all the time and I’ve never been caught.”

“So you do this a lot?”

“Mostly when I’m stressed.” Cosima pulled the blunt out of her pencil case, lighting it.

“So you are stressed a lot?” Delphine frowned. She did not like the sound of that. She pulled a cigarette from the pack and allowed Cosima to light it for her. Their eyes connected as Cosima’s hand brushed her lips when she pulled away.

“Yea, I mean. It’s high school. Shit’s stressful.”

“I suppose.” Delphine took a long pull from the cigarette, then released it. Cosima chased it with perfume.

“Just in case,” she said with a wink.

“What are you stressed about now?” It was a dumb question, she knew, but she thought maybe Cosima would feel better if she talked about it.

“Uh, isn’t it obvious?”

“Tell me anyways.”

Cosima sighed, joint dangling between her fingers and releasing tendrils of sweet-smelling smoke up into the vent.

“Beth, obvs. School. …You.”

That, Delphine wasn’t expecting. “Me?” she asked, heart beginning to race. “Why do I make you stressed?”

“I worry that maybe I pushed you a little,” Cosima admitted. She took another drag, but her release was unsteady and she coughed.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I’m afraid that maybe I pressured you into… doing something you might not want to do.”

Her lips twitched, then, and Delphine huffed.

“Cosima,” she said, very slowly and deliberately. “Look at me.” Cosima looked, eyebrows raising at her tone of voice

Delphine came closer, her cigarette-free hand coming to cup Cosima’s cheek. She came so close that the smell of cigarette smoke mingled with that of weed.

“I want to,” Delphine breathed.

And she pressed her lips to Cosima’s, and the shorter girl had never thought Marlboro’s could taste so sweet.

Delphine pulled away. “Am I understood?”

Cosima let out a shaky breath, adjusting her glasses.

“Yea,” she whispered. “Obvs.”

Delphine smiled.

“Good.”

–

“Ffffuck,” groaned Beth, trying to arrange her limbs on the bed in a way that didn’t make her feel like death.

It wasn’t working.

“Bad again?” asked Siobhan, coming to lay a hand on Beth’s forehead. Her hand met with clammy, sweat-soaked skin. She sighed.

“Y-yea, uhh…” Beth swallowed hard, momentarily feeling like she might vomit. The feeling passed and she tugged at the blanket. “Feels like my bones are tryna climb outta my skin on their own.”

Siobhan chuckled. “You know,” she said thoughtfully, “when Sarah first got out of the hospital, her nights were still pretty bad. There was something I used to do that would… make it easier. Would you like me to…?”

“Yes, God,” moaned Beth. “Anything, please. I’d swallow a live bee at this point if it meant makin’ this shit stop.”

Mrs. S chuckled. “Well now, it’s nothing that extreme,” she said. “Scootch over.”

Beth did as she was told, and Siobhan climbed into the bed beside her, putting her arms tight around Beth. Her presence alone had already started having an effect on Beth, her limbs relaxing somewhat.

“All right, now,” Siobhan said, “close your eyes.”

Beth did as she was told.

“Good. Now I want you to think of your favorite memory. Don’t tell me what it is, just imagine it. See it.”

Beth did. A small smile tugged at her lips.

“Got it?”

“Yea,” Beth breathed.

“Good. Now describe it to me, every little detail you can remember. Leave nothin’ out.” She began to stroke Beth’s arm, tracing little circles.

“Ok,” Beth sighed.

“I’m running. The wind is on my face, but it’s Spring time, so it’s not too cold. I’m winning. It’s easy. All the other runners are long gone. I passed them, no problem.”

“What does the track look like?”

“It’s beautiful,” sighed Beth, her body beginning to relax further. “It seems to go on forever and I like that because I could run forever. I’m not tired. The trees around it are green. The birds are singing.” She paused to let out a little sigh.

“Keep going,” Siobhan encouraged.

“I win. By a landslide. And Alison’s there at the finish line.” Siobhan’s lips twitched into a smile at that, but she said nothing.

“She is so happy. She’s smiling. She… hugs me. Kisses… my cheek.” Her voice began to drift.

“Better?” whispered Siobhan.

“Mm,” sighed Beth as she slipped off the gentle slope into sleep.

Siobhan stayed like that with her until the nurse came to check in.


	36. Chapter 36

The middle school let out a half an hour early that day, so the school could prepare for curriculum night. Mrs. S never went, so all he had to do was enjoy the early release. He caught the right bus only a few blocks from the school, paying at his stop and adjusting the canvas under his arm as he carefully stepped onto the sidewalk.

He got his visitor’s pass and took the stairs instead of the elevator, counting steps as he went and humming a tune with the pace of it. He missed music. And he kinda missed jamming with Sarah. They’d get back in routine soon enough, though.

At the right floor, he exited the stairwell, peeking his head into Beth’s room to make sure she was awake. She was laying on her back, eyes squeezed tightly shut, but it was clear she wasn’t sleeping.

“Beth?”

Her eyes snapped open, and although it felt like the muscles in her back were being ripped out the back of her ribcage, she forced a smile. “Hey kiddo,” she said quietly, her voice scratchy. “What’s up?”

He took a few steps forward, his fingers gripping the edge of the canvas tightly. “I…well in art class we had to make a paintin’. But I wasn’t exactly allowed to make wha’ I…wanted to so I…I made this instead…for you,” he added hesitantly.

She tried to prop herself up onto her elbows, but the burning ache from her shoulders all the way down her spine made her collapse back.  “That’s the sweetest thing ever, Fee.”

He looked down at it, doubt in his eyes. “Migh’ wanna look at it b’fore you say so.”

She wiped her forehead with the back of her hand before reaching out, and after a few seconds hesitation, he put the edge of it in her hand. She flipped it over, and she couldn’t help the way her mouth dropped open. It was a portrait of the four of them, bright colors and rough brush strokes, but very realistic in its own way. At the far left, Sarah was crouched down, head bowed in some sort of pain. Her arm was extended above her, and Beth saw herself there, reaching out and holding Sarah’s arm, like she was pulling her up. Her face wasn’t stony like she always thought it was, though. She was smiling, just a little, and behind her, Alison was clinging to her, cheek pressed flat into her back, arms wrapped as tightly as possible around her waist. Like she was holding Beth from tumbling down from Sarah’s weight and being close just as an excuse to be close. Behind her, Cosima was there, cute glasses and everything, one hand gripping onto Alison’s backpack, tugging a little. Both her feet were off the ground, but one hand was gripping her ankle on the far right side of the page, and Beth blinked to realize it was  _Sarah’s_  from the other side. It wasn’t Cosima holding Alison holding Beth holding Sarah. It was a loop. It was a loop of _support._

She blinked, realizing she was tearing up, and quickly lifted her eyes to the ceiling. She didn’t want to ruin the thing with something as stupid as tears.

“My God, Felix, you’re so fucking amazing. Don’t tell me for one second you thought that was bad.”

He shrugged. “It’s not…not how I usually paint. But I…liked the idea.” He smiled hesitantly. “So…you like it?”

She smiled, a genuine one this time, setting the painting down on the table beside her and waving him closer. He obliged, and she reached out, fixing his bangs by sweeping them to the side with her fingers. “You,” she said, “are the most brilliant artist I know. And you made a killer painting just for me. I love it. Thank you.”

He threw his arms around her neck, pulling her in for a hug. She winced a little, but hugged back softly, rubbing his back. When he didn’t let go for a little, she relaxed her shoulders in a sigh. “What’s up?” she asked gently.

She felt him shake his head. “Jus’ don’t let go.”

“I’m not,” she said reassuringly, “but you can talk to me. I’m not Alison, but I’m a pretty damn good listener.”

He reflexively held her a little tighter, and unwilling to let go. “Did you do it…’causea Alison?”

What? Where had that come from? Did he mean…?

“I don’t…I don’ want ya almost dyin’ again if something goes wrong with you and her.”

She shushed him gently, shaking her head and putting her hand to the back of his head. “No, sweetie, not because of Alison. I promise.”

She rocked him a little when she felt his fists taking a strong hold on her gown. “I promise I’m not going anywhere,” she repeated softly.

…

When Alison arrived, Beth’s bed was empty, and Mrs. S was passed out on the armchair, Felix asleep in her lap. Luckily the light in the bathroom was on, and she approached slowly. She stuck her head through the door, only to find Beth spilling a mixture of tears and vomit into the toilet. Without a word, she walked over and dropped to her knees, twisting Beth’s hair around her finger a few times and holding it. “It’s okay,” she whispered, “you can get through this, Beth. I know it.”

Beth nodded a little before she was once again sitting up off her heels and heaving.

Alison stayed quiet, holding her hair and stroking her back. At one point she wasn’t sure if Beth was gasping for breath or sobbing or a little of both, Beth’s forearm resting against the edge of the toilet seat, her forehead resting against her arm. Her chest rose and fell in rapid successions, every inhale and exhale noisy and desperate for some kind of oxygen. Safe in assuming her nausea had passed, Alison leaned over and kissed the exposed skin behind Beth’s ear. And even though her skin was clammy and even though she could feel Beth trembling, she stayed close, pressing a kiss there every now and again.

“You okay?” She asked into Beth’s hair, closing her eyes and pressing her nose lightly against her.

Beth inhaled deeply through her nose, swallowing before letting the breath out slowly.

“I’m getting there, yeah.”

“I’m glad.”

She inched closer to Beth’s face, kissing the part of her cheek that wasn’t hidden by her arm.

“I’ll be in the other room, okay? You get cleaned up while I call the choir director; I have to tell him I won’t be at rehearsal.”

Beth’s head shot up at this, the sudden movement bringing back the curling nausea in her stomach. She clenched her stomach, though, fighting the urge to vomit again. “Alison, no, don’t cancel.”

Alison’s brow furrowed like that was the strangest sentence in the world. “Beth, you are the world to me. Theatre means almost nothing—“

“No,” Beth shook her head. “Go. Please? You can say it doesn’t matter all you want, but it does.”

She wasn’t crying because Alison was leaving, she was just crying because it felt like she needed to cry. It probably dissuaded Alison more, though, so she tried wiping at her eyes. “I know that you want to be here, Alison. I don’t think you’re neglecting me or whatever.”

She closed her eyes, dropping her head back to her arm. “Just…wait for me out there before you go, okay?”

Alison hesitated, but nodded, putting her hand on the back of Beth’s neck before standing and walking out into the hospital room once more. Alone, Beth stayed by the toilet for another few moments before deciding her stomach would cooperate. She brushed her teeth twelve or thirteen times, then tried to go about fixing her hair, which was currently in the worst condition she’d ever seen it. With a sigh, she pulled it up, turning her head back and forth to make sure she looked decent from all angles before taking cautious steps toward the door.

Alison was standing by the door to the hall, hands clasped in front of her. She just looked so… _Alison_ , her back straight, her shoulders back, chin tilted ever so slightly outward to try and tell the world she was better than it, even though she thought differently deep down.

And seeing it, seeing  _her_ ; it made Beth realize it was what she’d been looking for. And with three rather large steps, she was across the room. Her hands automatically reached for Alison’s hips, pulling her that step closer she needed to kiss her.

And it felt so right. So  _lively_.

She felt Alison’s hands fly up in shock, hovering in front of her face for a second before Alison cupped both her cheeks and kissed her just a little more firmly. It made her heart pound at how cute and how hot and it made her skin hum despite how lifeless it had felt only minutes ago.

Alison’s lips were just so soft and she just wanted to keep feeling them but she managed to pull away, pressing her forehead to Alison’s.

She cleared her throat. “I, uhh…Wow.”

Alison exhaled just a little, nodding against Beth’s forehead. “Mhm.”

Beth laughed a little. “Sorry I’m so shitty at this. I mean Christ I’m…I’m kissing you and I haven’t even taken you out on a date yet and here I am—“

Alison cut her off with a gentle, lingering kiss, pulling back so slowly Beth felt obligated to follow, but she caught herself before she actually went in for another one. Jesus, Childs, you really get addicted to things easily, huh? Bad joke. Bad joke too early.

“You watched the Notebook with me, dear,” Alison mumbled. “I…I think we’ve been on more dates than we’d like to admit.”

She stroked Beth’s cheek, coaxing out a smile from her. “You think so?”

Alison grinned in return. “Mhm. Now don’t go anywhere, okay? I’ll be back before dinner.”

…

When Cosima, Sarah, and Delphine showed up, Beth immediately felt less alone. They talked through her more achy moments. They laughed and joked and messed around when she felt even the slightest bit better. And it almost felt like things were going back to normal.

Minus the shaking and sweating and the constant dull throbbing she felt just about everywhere in her body. Sarah had gone to get her some ice, and Delphine had just gotten a phone call. Now, the blonde stood in the corner, back to them, one arm crossed over her stomach.

“What is she saying?” Cosima whispered, leaning closer to Beth in bed.

Beth smirked a little. “You speak French. You tell me.”

Cosima pinched her side under the blankets and Beth had to bit her lip to keep from laughing. “Fine, fine,” she whispered. “They  _were_  talking about you but they moved on.”

“What? Me? Wh…what’d they say?”

Beth sucked in a breath through her teeth, giving Cosima an unsure look. “I dunno, man, that’s kinda private.”

“Beth Childs, I swear to everything if you do not spill—“

Chuckling, Beth put her hand lazily on Cosima’s knee. “She says you’re cute and you don’t hold back.”

“And…?”

“And that makes her feel safe.”

Cosima dipped her chin down, trying not to blush. “What about now? What’re they saying?”

“Well if you stopped talking I might actually be able to  _hear_  again.”

“Right.” Cosima cleared her throat, clasping her hands in her lap to keep all of her jewelry from jingling.

Delphine shook her head, voice low, twirling a curl around her finger as she paced. “Pas ce soir. Non, je suis à l'hôpital.“ Her brow furrowed. "Hein? Non, non, non, tout va bien, je ne suis pas blessé. Oui. Avec Cosima et son ami.” She ran her fingers through her hair, spinning around and pacing the other way, biting her lip. “Beth? Oui, elle, pourquoi?“

Beth’s eyes widened and it hit her again. She had signed up for the program too, and in all the madness she had all but forgotten her own exchange student, Camille. Shit.

Delphine’s eyes lifted up to meet Beth’s. “Ouais, elle est ici. Tu veux lui parler?” Shock settled on Beth’s face and she shook her head. Delphine covered the phone with her hand. “Si tu peux écouter, tu peux parler,” Delphine said smugly, eyebrows raising up.

Beth opened her mouth to protest to the listening part, but the phone was already being shoved in her hands. “Allo?” she said timidly, eyes darting to Cosima’s.

“Beth?” the heavily accented voice on the other line asked.

“Ouais, c’est moi.”

“We can speak in English, you know.”

Beth rubbed the back of her neck nervously, wincing at all the sweat she felt collected there. “Yeah, well, I’ve been enough of a douche to you anyway. I figured I’d try and make up for it.”

“The fact that you want to is good enough for me.”

“I, uhhh,” Beth faltered, looking down at her lap. She wasn’t good with this.

Cosima reached out and put her hand on her shoulder, smiling encouragingly.

“I’m sorry,” Beth managed to exhale. “Life just kinda happened.”

“It is no big deal,” the other girl on the line laughed. “Vraiment. One of the other students just housed two of us. Please do not worry about me. Worry about getting better, d’accord?”

“Yeah.” Beth nodded awkwardly. “Thanks…thanks for caring.”

“Not a problem. Just be aware, though, I might make you stay with Delphine this summer, just as…how do you say? Ah, payback.”

“God, no,” Beth laughed genuinely. “Please.”

“I do not know. Being holed up with all that couple cuteness might be enough to teach you a lesson.”

“You might or might not be kind of a bitch,” Beth laughed.

She laughed too. “I’m just messing with you obviously.”

“Yeah. Thanks. Really lightened the mood. Really.”

“Good, now I will let you get back to your day, yes?”

“Sure. I’ll, uhh, I’ll see you later.”

“Oui. Salut.”

“Salut.”

Beth hung up and gave the phone back, throwing a mocking glare Delphine’s way. “That totally wasn’t necessary.”

“She was worried about you,” Delphine said. “It wasn’t to spite you.”

“Mhm, sure,” Beth teased with a grin. “Whatever you say.”

Cosima nudged her a little. “Someone’s actually joking. What’s this about?”

Beth shrugged. “I guess feeling extra shitty all day made feeling just regular shitty not so bad.”

Cosima rolled her eyes. “Well when you put it like  _that_ , I mean who wouldn’t want to be in your shoes?”

Beth gave her a light kick from under the covers. “I’m serious, though, you guys should take the night off. Go…show her the city. Seriously. Mrs S. already took Felix home for an actual decent meal. Just…go. I swear I’ll be okay. Alison should be here any minute. And I mean Sarah’s still here—“

“I’m not bein’ a bloody third wheel,” Sarah cut in as she entered, dropping the cup into Beth’s lap. “You’ve gotta be off your rocker if you think I’m that bloody stupid.”

“Aww, c’mon,” Beth tried not to laugh. “It wouldn’t be like that.”

Sarah gave her a look. “Nice try. Don’t worry about me. I’ll take a walk or somefin’. Maybe stop by S’s.”

As if on cue, Alison walked in, smile bright as ever, and Sarah made a gagging motion with her finger. “Yeah, no thanks, see ya later.”

She waved to all of them, Alison looking slightly confused. “What was that about?”

“Cosima and Delphine are going to actually go do something for a change. Delphine might get to see something than four white walls of America.”

“Oh?” Alison asked, looking between Cosima and Delphine.

Cosima gave a hesitant smile. “Yeah. Uhh, shit now I gotta come up with things to do.”

She slipped off the bed and shuffled over to get her shoes, nearly jumping at the feeling of a hand on her back. She blushed when she realized it was just Delphine, pushing her glasses back up her nose and throwing her hand in the air in a vague sort of ‘wing it’ gesture. “But I guess we’ll find something to do.”

…

Sarah took the bus as close to Mrs. S’s house as she could, but the closest place it stopped was the high school. She got off, throwing up her hood and focusing on the sidewalk in front of her. It had been a long day. A long _week_ , even. She could feel her shoulders screaming at her to take a nice hot shower. She might, if she had the energy. She might just end up crashing the moment she got in proximity to her bed.

A hand touched her shoulder and she jerked around. Her eyes went wide and she jerked out of his grasp. “Stay the hell away from me,” she muttered, roughly turning back around and continuing down the street.

“Don’t be like that, Manning,” he called, running to catch up with her.

“I mean it, man,  _leave_  before I beat your bloody arse.”

“Sarah, please, stop,” he grabbed her elbow and she relented, mostly because she was tired. Partly because he sounded like he was about to make a half-decent argument.

“I missed you.  _We_  missed you,” was all she got.

She let out a dark laugh. “Yeah, nice try. Gonna have to do better’n that.”

“Don’t you wanna hang out? Just for a night? While we’re all still here?”

She shook her head, an incredulous smirk on her face. “You must think I’m thick or somefin’. I’m done with that life, yeah? An’ you bloody well know it.”

She turned and he caught her arm again, and this time she had to close her eyes really tightly to keep from punching him.

“No drugs. I swear. We just wanna hang out. Catch up.”

She looked at him, eyes narrowed. “No drugs?”

He shook his head firmly. “No drugs.”


	37. Chapter 37

Cosima tried not to notice how close Delphine walked (she was walking so close Cosima felt their arms brush).

She tried not to notice how close to her own hand Delphine’s was (it was so close she could just reach out and grab it).

She tried not to notice the way her stomach fluttered at the prospect of alone time with the French girl for the first time since certain events had transpired (they’d kissed. They’d kissed a couple of times. Oh God her stomach hurt.).

“So,” Cosima said casually. “Freedom, finally. What do you wanna do? The night is ours.”

“Hmmm,” Delphine thought. And as they left the hospital and walked out into the cool fall air, Cosima breathed in and felt lighter.

“We could go downtown,” Cosima offered. “And then maybe hit up a diner? I’m super hungry.”

“You are always hungry,” teased Delphine, and the blonde had suddenly grabbed Cosima’s hand tightly in her own. Unabashed. Confident.

“Wow,” laughed Cosima at Delphine’s comment. “Rude.”

Delphine just pecked her on the cheek.

Cosima thought there could be no better feeling.

–

She didn’t want to go home.

Helena stood awkwardly at the end of her street, hood pulled up. There was something about the hood that made her feel better. She couldn’t see them. They couldn’t see her.

She was safe in its darkness, and no one could stare at the faded, yellowing bruises on her face.

People stared at her a lot anyway, bruises or no. It made her want to disappear.

She was hungry, but the money from her most recent transaction was gone. She’d spent it on dinner last night.

She sighed.

The wind blew.

It was getting cold.

She’d have to go home eventually.

She couldn’t sleep on another park bench.

But the problem with staying out of the house for one night was not knowing what type of mood Tomas would be in when she finally came home.

Would he be angry?

Or would he tell her how special she was?

Would she be a sinner, or a prodigal?

It was so hard to know.

She sighed again, and a particularly chilled breeze rolled bye, stealing the breath from her lips and taking it somewhere far away.

She wished it could do the same for her.

–

“So,” said Alison brightly. “Just you and me!”

“Alison,” said Beth. “Don’t you think you should go home, too?”

“What?” Alison’s hand went immediately to her neck. “Why?”

“I just mean,” Beth said carefully, “that you’ve been here pretty much every night this week. Don’t your parents, like, wonder where you are?”

“Of course not,” insisted Alison. “They think I’m just at rehearsal or staying the night with you. Which, technically I am. So there’s no problem.”

“Oh.” Beth looked down at her hands, watched them grip the covers as if they were someone else’s.

“Do you… want me to go?” asked Alison tentatively. Beth huffed immediately.

“Jesus, no. I just… worry about you. Aren’t you tired?”

Alison laughed then, coming over to sit on the edge of the bed. “I’m more worried about you than you are about me, I’m sure. But really, Beth. I’m fine.”

“I just don’t want you to feel like you’re… I don’t know. Obligated, or whatever.”

“Never,” said Alison quietly, reaching over to squeeze one foot through the covers. “I want to be here, Elizabeth Childs. Do you understand?”

Beth groaned, but it was mixed with laughter. “Ok, yes. Don’t go all ‘mom’ on me, all right?”

“If that’s what I have to do to get my point across, then I will.”

Beth rolled her eyes, but there was a genuine smile on her face, albeit a small one.

A comfortable silence rolled over them as Beth’s focus turned to the television. A movie was playing, but she wasn’t sure which one. She was in the middle of trying to figure out what exactly the plot was when Alison spoke up.

“Beth.”

“Hmm?”

“Do you…” Alison swallowed, straightened out her shirt. Tried again. “Do you like yourself?”

“What?” Beth’s eyes snapped over to Alison’s face. The other girl was avoiding her gaze, looking anywhere but directly at Beth.

“With everything you’ve obviously been going through… I just…” Alison took a breath. “I… do you like yourself?”

And Beth had to think about it.

She sat, wavering between truth and lie. On the one hand, she hated talking about herself. Her feelings. And she could. She could tell Alison everything. Could tell her she spent every day wanting to crawl out of her own skin, went to bed hoping she’d wake up in another life. How she wished so badly she could be different. How, when she looked in the mirror, 90% of what she felt was loathing.

But her voice wouldn’t work. Her jaw locked.

She was going into self defense mode.

Don’t show weakness, Childs.

Don’t let anyone know you’re nothing but sawdust and shards of glass on the inside.

A poor excuse for a human being.

Apparently she took too long to answer, because in the next instant Alison was climbing into the bed next to her, wrapping her arms tight around Beth’s waist as if trying to keep her from disappearing entirely.

“I love you,” Alison said quietly.

“I love you too,” Beth replied.

“No,” Alison said, tightening her grip. “I just want you to listen, all right?”

“Uh. Ok.”

“I love you, Elizabeth Childs. I love how you squint your eyes a little when you’re thinking. I love your love for sports. I love the way you hold a pencil. I love the way you make me feel.”

And she went on like that, pressing her lips to the dip in Beth’s neck and murmuring all the things she loved about her. Breathed them into the skin there, as if hoping they’d be absorbed so that Beth would believe them, too.

And maybe Beth didn’t.

Not yet.

But she would.

Alison would make sure of it.

–

The greasy diner food sat like a rock in Cosima’s stomach as they walked up to her house.

She wasn’t sure what possessed her. The car still wasn’t in the driveway. All of the lights were out.

And yet.

She still half-hoped to be greeted by her parents when she stepped inside, and when they obviously didn’t, her heart ached a little.

“So,” she said abruptly, trying to swallow the feeling. “My boss let me off for the past few days since I said I had a family emergency, but I have to start going back to my internship on Monday. Um… he said it’s totally cool if you, like, wanted to come with.”

“Really?” The excitement in Delphine’s voice was real, and Cosima couldn’t believe this girl was real.

“Yea. Totally.”

“I would really like that.”

Cosima grinned. “Me too.”

“So,” Delphine said casually. “What will we do now?”

“Um, I dunno. Whatever you wanna do, I guess. You’re the guest.”

“Wow. I have so much power,” said Delphine with a laugh. Cosima was entranced.

Yea, she thought.

You do.

–

She was a sinner.

Tomas made sure she knew.

With fingernails broken and bleeding from scrabbling at the ground and eyes too tired to cry, Helena prayed.

She prayed for forgiveness.

Lord, forgive my sins.

She prayed for peace.

Lord, let this be the last.

She prayed for tomorrow.

Lord, please.

Please don’t let me die tonight.


	38. Chapter 38

Beth fell asleep for about an hour, but her insomnia spell continued apart from that. She spent a few solid hours lying perfectly still, trying both not to wake Alison and not to worry her if she was still awake. But trying to keep her body that still for so long had her bones aching and her muscles shaking, and with a sigh she slipped out of bed, the little whine Alison gave panging deep in her chest.

Once in the bathroom she paced, back and forth and back and forth, running her hand over her face every so often. It took ten laps of the ten by ten bathroom before the tears started, and crying only made more frustrated tears come. She was supposed to be getting better. She was supposed to feel good. She was wanted and loved and not alone. Why was she so selfish that she couldn’t even be happy for Alison’s sake.

Her pelvis was starting to burn, to the point where she had to lean on the sink for support, forcing her breathing out through her mouth, slowly and deliberately. She wasn’t worth Alison’s time. She could never be as good a girlfriend. She could never be as thoughtful or as loving or as present.

Alison deserved the world and all she had to give was her cold, bruised heart.

She caught her reflection and had to blink. She had been squinting as she thought. She had been…squinting. And a smile pulled at one corner of her mouth. It looked foreign, looking at it in the mirror, but…it was a start. Maybe she  _was_  getting better.

She took a few minutes to make sure the redness in her eyes died down before heading back into the other room, slipping under the covers and against Alison’s body heat. She could feel Alison’s gaze on her face, but she didn’t say anything. Neither did Alison.

At least not until her stomach rumbled. Alison put her knuckles against Beth’s stomach, stroking a little. “Hungry?”

Beth’s eyes closed at the touch. She nodded. “I don’t know if I’d be able to keep it down, though. And…and the cafeteria’s closed.”

She caught the smile in Alison’s eyes, and it tempted her to smile back for absolutely no reason.

She cherished that.

“Come on,” Alison whispered, tilting her chin up to kiss Beth’s forehead before sitting up. “I want to see that sweater, socks and shoes on or else we’re not going.”

Beth pouted. “I’m not gonna catch a cold, Alison. We’re inside.”

Alison shot a stern look over her shoulder, and she didn’t even have time to put her hands on her hips before Beth was reaching clumsily for the sweater on the table by the bed.

She padded to her shoes, hopping into them as she simultaneously tried to walk to the door. Alison giggled a little. Beth felt warmth in her cheeks.

They started down the hall, Beth trying her best to walk fast, but her pelvis still felt like it was creaking with every step. Like she’d aged fifty years without moving.

Her eyes stayed on Alison’s swinging hand, back and forth; she loved the way no matter how Alison held her hand, it always looked so proper. So delicate. Even when she was throwing sandwiches at douchey guys or whacking Sarah for joking or acting a role. Her hands always seemed secure. And now? Now it securely reached over to hold her elbow, and Beth automatically bent her arm, giving Alison a hold.

With Alison’s lead, they ended up at the vending machines, and after having been instructed to sit on the floor by them, Beth watched on as Alison put in dollar after dollar, pushing numbers and collecting an armful of snacks and drinks.

She sat down beside Beth, dropping the selection on the floor in front of them. Hugging her knees to her chest, Beth rested her cheek against her thigh as she inspected everything.

“Damn girl, you got good taste,” she joked tiredly.

Alison smiled at her softly. “I learned from the very best.”

…

Cosima and Delphine had ended up getting drunk and playing any video game they could get their hands on. And after a nap, they had both woken up at around 2am, tangled together. Cosima didn’t need to open her eyes to know how close she was. She could smell the faint cigarette smoke that lingered in Delphine’s curls, and she felt herself smiling. And then she felt the pad of a finger tracing along her lips.

“Tu souris.”

Cosima managed not to laugh. “Yeah. Obvs.”

“Pourqoui?”

Opening her eyes, Cosima was met with the cutest curious puppy dog eyes she’d ever seen. She bit her lip, tilting her chin to kiss the finger still lingering close to her. “‘Cause I woke up and you were still here.”

Delphine’s head tilted as best it could for both of them laying on their sides. “Is that surprising?”

Cosima shrugged with one shoulder, running her fingers down Delphine’s arm. “Uhh, I guess a little, in my head I just…”

Delphine went to cut her off with a kiss, her nose hitting the bridge of Cosima’s glasses; it sent both of them into a fit of quiet, nervous laughing, Delphine biting her lip and looking hesitantly back at Cosima. “Is it alright if I…?” Her one hand reached close to Cosima’s eyes before retracting into a closed fist.

Cosima’s brow furrowed as she tried to understand, her eyes widening when she did.

“Oh yeah totes go ahead,” she said too quickly.

She blushed, but Delphine didn’t seem to notice, to focused on lifting her hands up carefully and pulling the glasses off her face.

_oh Jesus, Niehaus, keep it together._

_How the fuck am I supposed to keep it together she took off my glasses you dumass that can only mean one thing_

_sh sh shhh just calm the fuck down_

She didn’t need to see to be able to know Delphine was leaning in closer at a horribly slow rate.

…

A few hours and many bags of snacks later, Alison and Beth sat slumped against the wall. Alison had one hand resting on her stomach, the other pressing to her forehead as she tried not to say she ate too much.

Beth crushed the empty can of soda in her hand, laughing at the little yelp Alison gave in seeing it drip a little dangerously closer to her clothing. She laughed a little harder and Alison snatched it from her, smiling a little. “You’re lucky it missed,” she murmured, lifting the can above her head and flicking it across the hall into the trashcan.

Beth grinned and Alison saw. She immediately shook her head, trying not to laugh. “No, Beth. Don’t you even dare. Not again.”

Beth tilted her head a little, tauntingly. “I’ve always told you that you had a killer arm, Ali,” she said innocently. “Never actually seen you miss a mark before.”

“ _Elizabeth_ ,” Alison warned.

“I’m just saying!” Beth laughed. “You totally missed an opportunity not playing softball.”

Alison huffed. “Don’t make me punch you.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” Beth gasped, laughing a little when Alison shoved her lightly.

“After four years of hearing that, you’re lucky I  _haven’t_  yet.”

Beth shrugged. “I speak the truth. The world missed Alison as an athlete.”

“You know I couldn’t have done both a sport and theatre.”

Beth’s smile faded a little, and she nodded. “Yeah, I know. I just like teasing you.”

They fell into silence, Alison tilting her head to watch Beth’s face.

“I said something wrong.”

Beth looked over. “What? No you didn’t.”

“We were laughing and then we weren’t.”

“Yeah, 'cause what was funny had passed.” Beth moved her chin to rest it on the tops of her kneecaps, “That’s not your fault.”

Alison furrowed her brow. “But something’s still wrong.”

“No. I, uhh…I just…” she shook her head. “Nothing; it’s stupid.”

“What?”

“I just thought that you're…kinda far away.”

Alison looked at the space between them. There was maybe a centimeter between where their hands sat on the ground between them. And that made her smile down at that space. She shrugged her shoulders, trying to be casual as she said. “Well you’re aware you can come over here, right?” She raised her eyebrows up, blowing her bangs up a little. “Without invitation.”

Beth’s hopeful gaze made her chest collapse. It took all her strength to smile instead of cry, but she did it, and Beth responded by scooting closer, and then sitting up a little and promptly straddling Alison’s lap, burying her face against Alison’s neck.

“Is…is this okay?” she asked quietly, hooking her arms around Alison’s shoulders.

She shifted nervously before settling her weight fully into Alison’s lap, her breath running shakily along Alison’s collarbone.

“Mhm,” Alison managed, though her throat was tight with something she’d never felt before.

She let her arms wrap loosely around Beth’s waist, crossing her wrists and resting her hands on Beth’s lower back. “If it’s good for you.”

Beth didn’t answer. Instead she clung a little tighter to Alison, nuzzling into Alison’s neck. She wanted her to know.

“I…” she hesitated, pausing to kiss whatever the juncture of her neck and shoulder. “I love when you play with your ponytail at the movies to keep from eating all the popcorn.”

She lifted her head up just the slightest, kissing the side of Alison’s neck, lingering there longer. “I love how you raise your hand in class.”

Alison either gasped or sharply exhaled. Beth didn’t know which and she didn’t much care.

“I love that crazy accurate arm of yours,” she kissed a little higher up her neck. “I love hearing you sing in the shower.”

She exhaled shakily before placing a kiss at the juncture of her neck and jaw. “I love how you blink when you’re confused.”

Her hand moved to cup Alison’s neck, her next kiss lingering against her cheek. “I love how fractured your sentences get when you’re flustered, kind of as if you’re not the queen of improv.”

“Beth, I…you don’t have t—”

Beth shushed her gently, kissing the corner of her mouth. “I love when your bangs get longer and you have to keep blowing them out of your eyes.”

She hung in front of Alison’s lips, breathing as steadily as she could, eyes squeezed tightly shut. “And…and I love how you make me consider…I might not be that bad. And that one day I might be worthy of everything you’d offer.”

She exhaled slowly, tears burning at her closed eyes as she leaned in for a soft kiss.

She tasted like Cheetos and love.

…

Alison awoke to her phone buzzing. She blinked, rubbing her eyes groggily and reaching to find it. Beth grumbled in her sleep, rolling over and burying her face against Alison’s torso. Alison smiled, putting her free hand to the back of Beth’s head, threading her fingers lightly in her hair and answering the phone with her other. “Hello?” she said quietly.

“A-alison?”

“Sarah?”

She automatically sat up a little. “Is everything alright?”

“I…I jus'…I need you to come get me, I…I…” She never finished her sentence.

As delicately as she could, Alison got out of bed, trying to keep her hands from shaking. Sarah sounded scared. She never sounded scared. “Okay, it’s okay, Sarah, where are you?”

Silence passed for a long time. Alison’s heart rate increased with every passing moment, tension filling the air. She couldn’t even make herself put her coat on. She couldn’t even force a  _breath_  out as she waited for Sarah’s answer.

“I…I don’t know.”

It sent a chill right down her spine. And snapped her out of her trance enough to put her shoes halfway on and stumble out the door, one arm slung through her coat. “Can you give me a landmark? Something? Are you inside or outside.”

“Alison, I…shit, I’m such a bloody idiot.”

Alison closed her eyes to try and calm herself. “We will determine that later, Sarah. Now please. Give me  _something_.”

“T-there’s lots'a cars honkin’. An'…the windows are boarded up an’ I jus'…I _dunno_.”

The tears in Sarah’s voice were apparent. Alison put her hand to the bridge of her nose. “Alright the only place in the city would be the strip, Sarah. It’s hardly even breakfast time. That fits, okay? Just…don’t move. I’ll be there.”

“I'm…sorry, Alison. I-I usually call Cos bu’ I jus'…I didn’t wanna…but you an’ Beth, jus'… _shit_ , I’m sorry.”

Alison shook her head as she pushed through the main doors of the hospital. “No, Sarah, don’t be sorry. Thank you for trusting me. Just please, _please_  be careful.” She lifted her hand to signal a taxi. She hoped Beth would be alright.

It didn’t take her long to get to where she wanted, and with a careful gesture, she asked the driver to stay where he was, getting out and looking around. She called Sarah’s phone again, only to jump when a hand touched her back. “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,” she exclaimed, “you can’t just—”

But she stopped mid-sentence at the sight she saw. Sarah’s eyes were red, cheeks blotchy. The dark circles under her eyes looked like they might’ve been permanently etched there. Her hair was nothing short from atrocious, knotted in a mass at the back of her head, some of it stuck up. Her makeup was smudged and she was shaking, and all Alison could think to do was hug her.

For a long time, Sarah stood there, arms stiffly by her side as she tried to stop her shaking, but eventually, her arms lifted up to pull Alison painfully close. A few long minutes just standing there and Alison finally managed to coax Sarah to sit on the curb with her. They didn’t say anything right away, both of them staring at their hands and trying not to speak the obvious.

Then, Sarah started digging around in her pockets, pulling out money and extending it to Alison. “Tha's….tha’s all my money,” she said slowly. “Don’t give it to me. No matter wha’. Until you’re sure I’m a'right.”

Alison stared down at it.

“So it was them?”

Sarah’s silence was answer enough.

“Did you break, Sarah?”

Sarah licked her lips, her gaze not lifting from the asphalt. “I…I dunno. I can't…I can’t remember anythin’. I got… _really_  wasted, Alison.”

She pulled up her sleeves and ran her hands over her skin over and over, checking for marks. “There’s nothin’ there but I don't…I don’t wanna risk it, yeah?”

Alison swallowed. “Yes. I…understand. And you don’t remember…anything?”

Sarah shook her head, putting her head in her hands and leaning forward. She groaned loudly into her hands. “Why’m I such a fuck up?”

Alison clenched her jaw, reaching out and putting her hand stiffly to Sarah’s back. “We don’t know that yet. We’ll just…wait and see.”

“S is gonna  _kill_ me,” Sarah mumbled, wiping at her eyes roughly. “An’ Felix is gonna be crushed. Cos is gonna hate me an’ Beth…”

Her face crumpled at the disappointed look she knew she’d get, and she buried it back behind her hands. “ _Shit_.”

Alison rubbed her back slowly. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know if everything was going to be alright, but she knew Sarah had counted on her. And she needed to be there for her.

“We’ll still love you.” She closed her eyes, leaning over to rest her forehead to Sarah’s shoulder. “You should know that by now.”

They sat there pretending Sarah’s whole body wasn’t shaking.


	39. Chapter 39

“Do you want to go back to the hospital, or…?”

“No,” Sarah said immediately, shaking her head where it rested in her hands. “No, I need to go home, I…”

She needed her guitar. The need was more desperate than any withdrawal, and her hands ached with it. She flexed her fingers.

“Ok,” said Alison calmly. “All right.” She stood, holding her hand out. “Come on, then.”

Sarah stared at the outstretched hand for a long time, as if she’d never seen such a thing before. Alison was patient, and she stayed quiet, eyes fixed on the top of Sarah’s head. Finally, Sarah laced her fingers in Alison’s and let herself be led to the waiting taxi.

–

Cosima woke slowly, comfortably, the way she often did on Saturdays. No alarm to wake her, no school to worry about.

Her arms went first, shifting, stretching. Then her legs. Then, finally, she opened her eyes.

She was alone in her bed.

She and Delphine had fallen asleep together, hadn’t they? After they’d…

Holy watershed.

She frowned hard in confusion, squinting as if that would make Delphine materialize beside her. But it didn’t, and for one instant her heart squeezed. She was only about one third awake and she was constantly expecting to wake up alone and here she was in an empty bed in a too-silent house and she felt tears building in her throat and-

The toilet flushed down the hall, and an instant later her bedroom door creaked open, revealing the blurred but very much real image of Delphine Cormier in just a t-shirt and underwear.

Cosima let her breath out in one huge burst, suddenly aware that she’d been holding it this whole time.

“Oh, you are awake,” said Delphine brightly. But then she frowned, eyebrows coming together in concern. “What is it?”

“Huh?” Cosima blinked, snapped out of it. “Oh, uhhh. Nothing. Nothing.” She waved a hand in the air, the other patting around on the bedside table for her glasses. In her flustered state she knocked them to the floor.

“Shit,” she groaned, dragging a clumsy hand over her face in defeat.

Delphine stepped forward, eyes sad. “Do you really think that I would just… leave you?” She knelt down, picked up Cosima’s glasses so gently it was like she was holding a fragile jewel.

“It’s stupid, I know.” Cosima sighed, letting a self-deprecating grin show through.

“Non,” said Delphine softly, unfolding the glasses gingerly. She slipped them carefully onto Cosima’s nose, smiling faintly at the little face Cosima always pulled when putting them on.

“Not stupid. Just… sad.”

And Cosima couldn’t explain the sobs that suddenly erupted in her chest, so loud and forceful that she startled even herself. She threw her hands over her face to try and smother the sound, but it was too late.

“Oh, Cosima,” said Delphine, panic rising. Her hands hovered, uncertain. She couldn’t decide whether to wrap the girl in her arms or let her be. Crying could be a very private thing, and maybe Cosima didn’t want her to see. “Ma chérie, je suis désolée. Je suis désolée.”

“God, no,” wailed Cosima. “I’m sorry, I - Jesus Christ. This is stupid. Why am I crying? This is so dumb. I’m so stupid.” She pressed her fists into her forehead and let out a horrible sound, some painful mix between a piteous moan and a sob.

Delphine didn’t know what to do, so she did what came naturally to her.

She climbed back into the bed beside Cosima and pulled her close, tucking the other girl tightly under her arm. She was relieved when Cosima let her, pressing her face into Delphine’s neck.

“You are not stupid,” whispered Delphine. “What has made you so sad?”

By this point Cosima quieted, curling up against Delphine’s side and the blonde couldn’t help noticing the way she seemed to fit perfectly there. For an instant Delphine felt nervous, because one week of their month together had already passed and she was really really really afraid that she loved this girl.

“I just don’t want to be alone,” was all Cosima could bring herself to say.

And Delphine felt even worse.

–

Middle school was Cosima’s worst nightmare.

Her first day of seventh grade loomed before her, fearful. Threatening. She got dressed nice and slow, trying to keep as much distance between herself and the school as possible.

“First day of seventh grade!” Her mother crowed when Cosima came downstairs. “How do you feel, kiddo?”

“Ok, I guess.” Cosima poured herself some cereal.

“You’ll do great,” her father said cheerfully, coming forward to place a kiss on her hair. She sighed, revelling in the contact.

“All right, well, we’re off to the lab.” Her mother grabbed her keys, her father his jacket. They were a constant whirlwind of business, always on their way somewhere. Always on the move. “You’ll be ok to take the bus?”

“Yea, but, um… promise you’ll be here when I get home?”

Her mother smiled in an ‘oh honey, you’re so silly’ sort of way and placed a kiss of her own on Cosima’s cheek. “Of course! Have a great first day.”

They disappeared behind the closed front door.

Cosima sighed into the silence.

The rest of her day was hell, as expected. She boarded the bus to find it almost entirely full already, and she had to search for a full five minutes before someone finally let her claim a seat beside them.

She spent her classes trying her best to blend in with her surroundings, but she still got bumped around a lot in the hallways. Still got glares from kids when she accidentally made eye contact with them.

“What are you fucking looking at?”

Seventh graders could be so vulgar. So cruel.

By the time the bus dropped her off at her stop at the end of the day, she was exhausted.

She walked up the sidewalk to her house, and her stomach dropped almost immediately.

The car was still gone.

Ok, no problem. So they’re gonna be late. Big deal.

She went inside and made herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, sitting in front of the tv.

Hours passed and with them, her hope withered. She didn’t cry. There wasn’t really a point.

She fell asleep that way, curled on the couch, head tilted just so that if her eyes were open, she’d have the door in her sights.

She woke up later that night to a still-empty house and a voicemail on the answering machine. She played it, face stony. She wasn’t surprised by what she heard.

“Hi, honey. So sorry we weren’t able to make it home. We’ve just had a breakthrough in our research and… well, anyway. We’ll be stuck here the rest of the night, I’m sure. I hope your first day went well. Love you!”

Beep.

And that’s when Cosima Niehaus started getting acquainted with being alone.

–

Beth woke up from the best sleep she’d had all week.

Perhaps her insomnia was finally retreating, or perhaps a night spent with Alison had done her well.

Alison.

Alison…

Where was she?

Beth frowned, feeling around the bed, but it was empty. She opened her eyes fully to find herself in an empty room.

Ok. Fine. She had something she needed to go do. It was fine.

She was fine.

Beth took a shaky breath in.

She wasn’t fine.

Had she done something? Her mind began to race, thinking of all the worst reasons Alison would have to leave. Had she decided she didn’t love Beth as much as she’d thought? Had she finally realized how much of a worthless excuse for a human being Beth was?

The ache began again, her bones creaking with it. But it was laced with something else, something even more sinister, and it made her curl into the tightest ball she could manage.

It was fear.

Fear that she couldn’t have Alison.

Fear that Alison didn’t want her.

Fear.

It was eating he from the inside, bones first.

–

Sarah entered the house and ran straight to her room, avoiding Siobhan at all costs. The woman frowned at her daughter’s abrupt entrance, but didn’t say anything.

Just get to your guitar.

Just get to your guitar and everything will be fine.

She burst into her room and made a beeline for the stand in her corner. Taking up the instrument in her hands, she cradled it like a precious child.

She began to play.

She poured everything into it, channeling the past week into her fingers until she was nothing but music. Everything she was, music.

Her breath.

Music.

Her tears.

Music.

Behind her, Felix stood in the doorway, rubbing one eye. He watched as she moved, body rocking back and forth with the melody.

He could tell that something was wrong in the tension of her shoulders, the nature of her playing.

So he left, going downstairs and waiting for the hurricane.


	40. Chapter 40

For the longest time, Alison stood outside Mrs. S’s house. She had all of Sarah’s money, yes, but that didn’t make her feel more secure. If Sarah had been desperate enough to steal for drugs before, she’d do it again. She sighed, closed her eyes and shook her head in the smallest of movements, then turned and paid the cab driver.

She walked up the path and through the front door, taking careful steps toward the kitchen. Mrs. S looked up, glass to her lips. Her eyes widened in happy surprise, dropping the glass down to speak.

“Chicken! I knew I heard footsteps. Did you bring Sarah home?”

Alison forced a smile. “Yes. I was worried she wasn’t getting enough sleep.” She paused, her hand lifting up to tug at her collar. “Could you maybe…go back down to the hospital? I don’t want Beth to be alone.”

Mrs. S smiled warmly, reaching out to put her hand on Alison’s shoulder. “Of course, love. I’ll get my coat right now. Would you mind watching Felix if you’re staying?”

Alison nodded. “Thank you.”

“Not a problem at all.”

She didn’t move until she heard the front door open and close; she didn’t move for a good while after. What should she do? She could hear Felix’s shifting on the couch from the living room. She could hear Sarah playing away upstairs. Should she make her presence known?

She bit her lip. And with her decision made, she turned and walked slowly up the stairs. Sarah’s door was wide open from where she’d burst through, and Alison hung in the doorway for a long time, Sarah’s back to her as she played. And played. And played.

She took a few steps forward, and even though the floor creaked, it did not seem to disturb Sarah. So with a few more steps, she sat herself down stiffly on the bed, closing her eyes. She reached for her phone at least twelve times to call Beth, before remembering the hospital had taken her phone away from her each time, and gently putting the phone back into her bag. All she had left to do was to wait for the playing to stop and for the begging to start.

…

Mrs. S got to the hospital and went to the front desk to get her visitors’ pass, but the secretary gave her a strange look. One caught between pity and guilt. “She’s…uhh, well they just found her. They should be bringing her back,” she said slowly as she extended the pass.

Siobhan’s heartbeat sped up, and she turned for the elevators, arms stiffly at her sides. What had she done now?

She got off the elevator just in time to see two nurses dragging Beth down the hall toward her. She was crying, her heels dragging along the floor as they pulled her, but she wasn’t fighting. She looked too broken to be fighting. “Please j-just…please lemme go I just w-wanna stop feeling things. It’s n-never good please I just…I-I just wanna be numb again—“

She exhaled a sob, her chin dropping to her chest as she hung there limply in their arms. They just kept pulling her back to the room. Mrs. S followed tentatively, staying back as she watched them lift her up back into bed.

They glanced back at Mrs. S, and she waved them away. “I’ll keep her here. Don’t you worry.”

“We’ll have someone outside,” one of them said. Then they all left.

Beth stayed where they had placed her, curled up on her side, tears leaking out of her eyes and onto the mattress. Mrs. S pulled up a chair, sitting down and taking Beth’s limp hand in her own. “What’ssmatter, love?”

“I didn’t wanna die I just wanted to stop feeling,” she mumbled, her voice wavering as a fresh wave of tears fell. “I didn’t wanna die,” she repeated, “Why couldn’t they just have let me take some?”

Mrs. S sighed. “It’s their job to keep you clean,” she said gently.

“I don’t wanna be clean it sucks.”

“You seemed to be doing fine last I checked.”

Beth didn’t answer. Her eyes stared blankly over Siobhan’s shoulder to the wall, and she swallowed.

“Why’d she leave? I-I thought we were doing so well I thought I…”

A sob choked up the rest of her words. Mrs. S wanted to give the girl an answer, but she didn’t have one. She just sat there and stroked her hand gently.

…

“Cosima!” Delphine giggled. “I told you that I am not hungry.”

“Bullshit.” Cosima grinned over her shoulder before she continued digging through the fridge. She shivered a little. Maybe she should’ve put some pants on; it was really frickin’ cold.

She turned with an armful of things, dropping it on the counter beside where Delphine sat. “What kind of host would I be if I didn’t make sure you were fed?”

Delphine smiled and pulled Cosima closer by her wrist, guiding her between her legs. “A host who is generous enough to take care of my other needs first,” she murmured.

Cosima rocked up onto her toes, Delphine bending down to brush their lips together slowly. She wrapped her legs loosely around Cosima’s body, hooking her ankles to keep Cosima stuck there. Cosima grinned against her lips, hopping a little on her toes to give a firmer kiss. “You’re not distracting me,” she laughed. “I know I heard your stomach growling.”

Delphine just hummed dismissively, cupping Cosima’s cheeks to keep her from really breaking their kiss.

Cosima pressed herself closer, hands finally reaching out to grab the hem of Delphine’s t-shirt and tug it over her head.

“Up here,” Delphine tugged for Cosima to follow, and without much reason to argue, Cosima got up on the counter with her, straddling her lap and tangling her fingers into that perfect hair.

“How’d I get so lucky to find you?” she asked between slow and deliberate kisses.

It made Delphine’s heart stutter.  _No you’re not in love you can’t be it’s been a week a single week do not think that way no please no don’t let it be but please let it be merde_

She tightened her grip on Cosima’s hips, tilting her chin up more to get more pressure from Cosima’s lips.

“Je ne sais pas,” Delphine whispered. “Je ne sais pas.”

Cosima wasn’t sure what she liked more. The breathless nature of Delphine’s voice or how she’d successfully removed all English from her tongue.

But then that goddamn rumbling was back. Delphine shook her head as if arguing with the sound itself, tightening her hold. Cosima laughed once before she too shook her head, placing a final, soft kiss to Delphine’s lips before slipping back onto the floor. The whining sound Delphine gave made her knees nearly give out.

 “The quicker we eat the quicker we can be done eating, stupid.”

Delphine bit her lip as she smiled, nodding and running her hands over the tops of her bare thighs, clearly flustered. “Oui, bien sûr, dépêches-toi.”

“Oh,  _now_ , it’s hurry up, huh?”

“Oui. S’il te plait?”

She tilted her head a little, cheeks flush, and there was no refusing.

Cosima rolled her eyes. “Fine, fine, no need to pull out the cute French on me, okay?”

…

It was ten o’clock and Sarah and Alison were lying on their backs, staring up at the ceiling of Sarah’s room.

“You still good?” Alison asked.

Sarah pondered for a while before nodding. “Yeah, I uhh…I think I’d have had some kinda craving by now. But I…I’m good, I don’t…” she trailed off.

Alison knew the last thing she could do to make sure Sarah was telling the truth. If her friend, even for a moment, tried to argue with her, she’d know something was up. She’d know Sarah was playing her.

“I’m going to keep your money for another day. Just…to be sure, alright?”

Sarah paused, only for a moment.

“That’s fine,” she chewed at her lip. “Alison?”

“Hmm?”  Alison rolled her head to the side to look at Sarah.

“Thanks. I, uhh…I…I really needed ya.”

Alison smiled and reached out, putting her hand on Sarah’s wrist between them. “And I’ll always be here when you need me. That’s a promise.”

Sarah closed her eyes and turned her hand over so Alison’s hand slipped off her wrist and directly into her palm. She closed her fingers around Alison’s and squeezed gently. “I didn’ break,” she said. “I…I can’t believe it.”

Alison smiled to herself. "You need to have a little more faith in your self-control, Sarah. You’re a good person and you know what’s right.”

Sarah shrugged. “I jus’ think it’s easier to distrust myself, yeah? Makes it harder to make a mistake.”

They both jumped when Sarah’s phone rang. She stretched for it, bringing it to her ear.

“Hullo?”

“Sarah? Is Alison still with you?”

Sarah’s brow furrowed, and she glanced over to her friend. “Yeah, S, why? Wha’s goin’ on?”

“I’d like it if you came back to the hospital please. Quick as ya can.”

“Okay, yeah, sure. Be there in a few.”

She hung up and stood up in a rush. Alison didn’t do anything but follow wordlessly, waving for Felix to come with them.

…

They arrived back at the hospital, to see that Cosima and Delphine were already there (and standing much closer together than usual). The tension was clear. It hung heavy and charged, all of them looking down at their shoes.

“Beth?” Alison asked.

The way she said it, so terrified and high pitched and tight; it tore right through Beth’s resolve. She didn’t want to hope Alison loved her. She didn’t want to hope. She was  _tired_  of hoping and she had, through the course of the day, been at peace with knowing Alison wasn’t hers to have. But at that little waver. At that pure fear laced in Alison’s voice, the same that she had felt not four hours ago, it made that hope bubble back. And that warmth, though usually comforting, felt jagged as it filled her chest, scraping and burning and leaving her feeling like everything she ever was she had displayed for Alison to see.

The silence only grew heavier when instead of answering, Beth just burst into tears, too tired and too done to try and run to the bathroom to hide them.


	41. Chapter 41

Hands.

One in her hair, one wedged in the bend of her neck, stroking gently.

The one on her neck roamed down to her back and held her close to a warm, forgiving body. She shook so hard her teeth rattled, her muscles cramped. She was so scared.

“It’s ok.”

Alison’s voice, low and soft.

“You left,” Beth choked between tremors. “You left and I was scared I thought I fucked up I just-”

“Shhhh,” Alison’s grip tightened. “Everything is ok. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Beth just let the shakes roll over her, let Alison hold her and tell her it was ok.

And maybe it could be.

Ok.

Maybe.

But her body craved a different love, one that came in a little pill bottle, and she let out a broken sob, pitching forward hard into Alison’s shoulder. Alison steadied her.

“Make it go away,” Beth whimpered in dismay.

Alison sighed into her hair.

“I’m going to try my damndest.”

–

Sarah awoke with a moan, swiping a hand across her face and blinking blearily. Her clock read 6 am.

Holy shit, go back to sleep.

But sleep was impossible. Her stomach fuckin’ hurt. She moaned again, rolling over and attempting to position herself in a way that didn’t ache.

But she couldn’t.

Sighing irritably, she threw the covers off and padded quietly downstairs. She was startled to find Mrs. S up and about already, relaxing in her armchair with a mug of tea.

“What in God’s name are you doin’ up so early?” Siobhan asked in a mock surprised tone. “Has the apocalypse begun?”

“Haaaa, you’re funny,” Sarah said sarcastically, making her way to the kitchen. She found a bottle of ibuprofen on the counter and popped it open. “I go’ cramps.”

“Really?” Mrs. S frowned. “That would make your cycle a bit off schedule.”

“And how th’hell would you know tha’?” demanded Sarah, blushing as she poured herself some water.

“I’m your mother,” Siobhan said smugly. “I just know these things.”

Sarah swallowed a mix of pills and water easily. “It’s damn well creepy, yea?”

“Ask me if I care,” Siobhan said airily.

Sarah rolled her eyes.

–

It was impressive, really, how much Beth could make her parents believe.

They bought it. They really fucking did. She told them she’d spent a week at Sarah’s house working on a project and they fucking believed every goddamn word.

Maybe they knew it was bullshit.

Maybe they just didn’t have the time to care.

Regardless, she walked straight to Sarah’s house after school these days, only going home when the late hours of the night began to creep in.

Sarah’s house was comforting.

Mrs. S was a godsend.

She was grateful, really.

But it still wasn’t enough to keep the gnawing ache away.

It had been almost a week since she’d finally been let out of the hospital, and the feeling was still there. She could ignore it through most of the day, but the nights were the worst.

That was what Alison was for.

They had a lot more “sleepovers” these days, whether at Alison’s house or Beth’s, it did not matter. As long as they were together.

Beth woke now to the other girl wrapped tightly around her waist and sighed, a sort of warmth radiating through her, starting at the points Alison’s body touched.

She really fucking loved this girl.

And it scared her to death.

“Would you relax?” Alison murmured, shifting against Beth. “You’re all tense and stiff. Not a very good pillow.”

Beth laughed at that, pressing her lips to the top of Alison’s head.

For now, she could pretend she wasn’t scared.

For now, it didn’t matter.

–

Cosima leaned in for a kiss, forcing her body directly into the other girl’s space so she couldn’t ignore her.

“Cosima,” laughed Delphine. “I’m trying to study.”

“But it’s Saturday!” moaned Cosima.

It had been a week since they’d made love, and in that span of time Cosima had become aggressively attached. She wanted to be with Delphine, touching Delphine, wanted Delphine in her sights at all times.

She knew it was a bad idea.

She knew she’d regret it by the time their month was up.

But she just could not bring herself to care.

“You are the one to talk,” teased Delphine. “Who was up at 3 am doing her biology homework? Oh, her name… I cannot remember it…”

“Shut up,” laughed Cosima, cutting her off with a well-placed kiss. “That’s what Friday nights are for. That way you can spend the rest of your weekend not giving a shit.”

“You are the strangest mix of rebellious and responsible,” sighed Delphine, throwing an arm around Cosima as the brunette cuddled up against her on the couch. “It is very off-putting.”

“Uh, thanks?” laughed Cosima. Delphine just hummed another chuckle and began to run her hands through Cosima’s hair.

“I like it when you leave it down,” she said. “It’s very soft.”

“I don’t know, sometimes I think I wanna change it.”

“Oh?” Delphine tilted her head curiously, eyes fixed on the top of Cosima’s head. “In what way?”

“I don’t know,” Cosima sighed. “Just… somethin’ different, man. Like, maybe dye it. Or cut it all off. Or get like, dreadlocks.”

Delphine’s mouth twitched, her brow furrowed. “Dreadlocks, what… what is that?”

Cosima leaned forward to grab her laptop off the coffee table.

“They’re like braids, I guess,” said Cosima, typing the word into Google’s image search. Delphine studied the pictures that came up, nodding thoughtfully.

“That could be very pretty,” she said with conviction.

“Yea? You think?” Cosima blushed.

“Well, anything would look pretty on you, so yes.”

“God,” said Cosima, a half-moan half-laugh coloring the exclamation. “You are the biggest dork.”

“You love it,” whispered Delphine, leaning in for another kiss. Cosima brought her hand up to tangle in Delphine’s hair.

They were just starting to get into a good rhythm when the sound of the front door startled them both.

Cosima yanked her hand back, accidentally tugging Delphine’s hair in the process. She looked over her shoulder to see her mother walk into the room, closely tailed by her father.

“We’re home!” her mother announced, as if they hadn’t already noticed. Cosima could not speak, her eyes wide, voice stuck in her throat.

“We wanted to come back early and surprise you.” Their eyes traveled over to the blonde sitting next to Cosima, and bright smiles lit their faces.

“You must be Delphine,” Mr. Niehaus said.

“Oui,” squeaked Delphine, her nerves making her forget all her English. “Bonjour.”

Mrs. Niehaus looked pleased. “Yes, bonjour,” she said back, as if this were all very novel and fascinating.

Shit, Cosima thought.

I was really looking forward to making out.


	42. Chapter 42

Cosima wanted to yell or cry or both. It was as if they hadn’t left. Or at least that’s what they were  _pretending_. They had set their things down and sat across from the girls in the matching chairs, leaned forward in genuine intrest. It was  _unnerving_.

“Ton séjour a été satisfaisante jusqu'ici?” her mother asked.

“Oui,” Delphine nodded.

“Christ, mom, she speaks English,” Cosima muttered, pushing her glasses up her nose.

Delphine had the urge to reach out, but the moment she moved her hand, she was struck with the most paralyzing of thoughts. She didn’t know how. She didn’t know what Cosima’s parents’ knew. She didn’t know where she was allowed to touch in front of them. Her lower back would be a dead giveaway. So would her hand. Or her arm. Or… _merde_.

So instead of trying to comfort, she just sat there stiffly, trying to take up as little space with her body as was possible.

“I know,” Mrs. Niehaus responded. “You’ve made it this long without having to call us; I assumed you two could communicate.”

Delphine was sure if it were physically possible, steam would be coming out Cosima’s ears. The girl’s normally lax posture was rigid, her fists closed tightly in her lap. She had to act fast.

“If you do not mind, we have had a rather long night. Can we maybe…?” she pointed in the general direction of Cosima’s room.

“Of course, dear.” Delphine was already pulling Cosima to her feet. “Have…you been staying there the whole time?”

Delphine froze, blinking a few times as she looked back to Cosima’s parents. “Oui, I, euh, I got lonely. We…moved the guest bed in there.”

It wasn’t a lie. They  _had_  dragged the mattress in, but it was balancing on its side against her wall presently.

“Okay. Goodnight girls.”

Delphine all but shoved Cosima down the hall and up the stairs. The moment the door closed, Cosima let out an aggravated groan. “They make me so  _angry_ ,” she hissed, hitting her mattress as she sat down. “They go away for weeks at a time and then they get back and act like nothing’s wrong  _and_  that I’m a failure. It’s like I’m not even their  _daughter_ —“

She folded into Delphine’s embrace, sniffling and trying to fight her tears. Delphine shushed her gently, kissing the top of her head every once in a while. “They do not matter. They are _nothing_  compared to you.”

“Wh…?”

Cosima pulled back, blinking away her tears. Delphine smiled sadly, slipping her thumbs under Cosima’s glasses to wipe the tears away, leaving one hand there to cup her cheek. “You are the kindest, most thoughtful human being I have met. They are not. That alone tells me you are above them.”

She stroked Cosima’s cheek, another sad smile pulling at the corner of her lips. “Don’t let them hold you down, d’accord?” She kissed Cosima softly once before leaning back to make sure she had listened.

Cosima sniffled and nodded once, wiping her nose with her wrist. “God, that is so not sexy,” she laughed, once again wiping at her eyes from under her glasses.

Delphine shrugged. “Oui, mais…”

“Hey!” Cosima protested, Delphine laughing.

“I said  _mais_.”

“But what?”

Delphine bit her lip and looked down. “But that does not make me want you any less,” she said quietly.

At first Cosima was sure she’d heard wrong. No way would she say that. Not after how clingy she’d been. Just no way. Just…

“Really?”  _Wow_ ,  _Niehaus, you’re a smooth bitch, aren’t you?_

The little amused smile playing in Delphine’s eyes told her it didn’t matter if she was or not, and with a grin she pulled Delphine closer for a kiss, giggling as they both tumbled backward onto her mattress.

…

The bell rang and Sarah rather conspicuously jerked awake. But the chaos from students stampeding away kept her safe from the teacher’s glare. Alison frowned at her, more out of worry than anything else. “Sarah, didn’t you go to bed at nine last night?”

Sarah gave her a confused look. “Yeah, so?”

Alison shook her head dismissively. “Nothing. Just curious.”

“This class is bloody boring,” she muttered under her breath as she slung her backpack over her shoulder.

Alison and Beth both got up too.

“Uhh, Beth?”

She turned around to meet the teacher’s eye. “Yeah?”

“Can I talk to you?”

“Yeah, of course.” She waved to Sarah and Alison, already backing up toward the teacher. “I’ll see you guys at lunch.”

Alison shot her a worried look, but Beth turned away.

“I wanted to talk to you about your grades.”

“Shit, I mean shoot, yeah, sorry about that, I…” She didn’t know how to finish the sentence.

“And Beth I don’t think I’m insensitive to your situation—“

“No, no, no, no, no,” Beth rushed out, putting her hand up in placation, “I don’t think that at all. Seriously. It’s…it’s totally my bad. I didn’t do the make-up work. I haven’t been doing this week’s assignments. I…it’s that simple I’ve just been…”

Tired. Apathetic. Trying so desperately to care about anything besides fearing what she felt for Alison.

“It’s not just my class either, Beth. You’re failing  _all_  of them.” She wasn’t being stern. She was trying to give her warning. “Even before all…this started, you had barely been doing anything at all.”

“Yeah,” Beth ran her hand through her hair. “I know. I…shit, uhh…is there any way I can pass?”

“That’s why I’m talking to you  _now_. Just…if you need help getting back into things, my door is always open.”

Beth’s feet were already taking her backward toward the door as she nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, of course I know that. I’ll, uhh…I’ll hand in all that stuff, okay? Even if it doesn’t get me any points or anything. I’ll…I’ll do it.”

And she slipped through the doorway out into the hall, trying to ignore the tears burning her eyes as she walked quickly to her next class.

…

Getting out of the lunch line with her tray, Sarah saw Beth and Helena from across the cafeteria. They were leaned forward, Helena scrawling words unsteadily on the piece of paper between them. Beth squinted down at it, her lips mouthing whatever it said slowly, Helena’s head bouncing in encouraging nods.

She approached, and the moment she set her tray down, Helena looked up. The reaction was instantaneous. The blonde girl threw herself away from the table. “Sorry, Sarah, I am sorry. Do not talk to, do not talk to, you said—“

She stumbled backward toward the door, hands outstretched defensively, head bowed down. Sarah’s eyes widened, glancing quickly to Beth, who gave her a very clear ‘fix it’ look. Swallowing, Sarah looked back to the now closing cafeteria door, waiting for a split second before following after. She had to fight to try and be heard over the consistent flow of apologies.

“Helena.  _Helena_. Calm down. Bloody hell, please  _shut up_.”

She regretted snapping at the way Helena cringed and silenced instantly, but at least she had stopped.

“I…” she had to reestablish a kinder tone. “I wanted to thank you. For…for doing what you could to help her.”

Helena lifted her head up enough so Sarah could see her confused eyes staring at her from under her hood. “It vas my fault. I harmed her.”

Sarah sighed, closing her eyes and running her hand over her face. “No…no, ya didn’t. I overreacted when I said that, alright? I-I was mad an’ you were there an’ part of the problem, jus’…”

Helena didn’t seem to be understanding. “She almost died because of my drugs, Sarah. It vas my fault. I did wrong.”

Sarah shook her head firmly. “No. I mean yeah, but…Helena ya can’t take responsibility for an addict like Beth. If she wanted drugs she’d’a gotten ‘em some other way, yeah? If ya stopped givin’ ‘em to her she woulda jus’ gone somewhere else. Okay? So it’s…your fault, but it’s also  _not_ , yeah?”

Helena listened to the words carefully, her posture loosening a little bit more.

“An’ I’m sorry for makin’ ya think it was.”

Without warning, Helena ran the couple steps forward and flung her arms around Sarah’s neck. Not fast enough that Sarah didn’t see the shadows of bruises. “Thank you,” she mumbled, squeezing Sarah lightly at first, before realizing she could, in fact, hug harder.

“Yeah. Not a problem. An’ Helena?” Sarah closed her eyes tightly. She couldn’t believe she was about to say this.

“Yes?”

“If…if you ever need a place to stay, my house is always open.”

Helena didn’t pull back to look and see if Sarah was being genuine. She just hugged her tighter until Sarah was sure she would suffocate from the smell of the coat.

…

Alison came running up the stairs to Beth’s room, a wide grin on her face and an envelope in her hand. “Beth! Beth, guess what?”

“What?” she glanced up from her book with tired eyes.

“I got accepted!” Alison exclaimed. “I got accepted into university.”

Beth’s chest tightened, her stomach turning in nauseous waves. She forced away all the terrifying thoughts that told her she hadn’t even applied anywhere yet and that she’d missed all the deadlines. She forced away all the thoughts that told her Alison would leave for college and never come back to her.  _Be happy for her. Be happy for her you idiot_.

“Where?” was all she managed, looking back to her book.

“It’s not even my first choice, but I don’t care because I’m…I’m going to college!” she laughed excitedly, but her smile immediately fell.

“That’s awesome,” Beth said.

“You’re crying.”

“What?” Beth gave a shrug and a shake of her head. “No I’m not.”

The tears on the pages of her textbook told her otherwise.

“ _Yes_ , you are, Beth what’s wrong?”

Alison dropped the letter and ran over, sitting down next to Beth and wrapping her arm around her back. Beth jerked and shrugged out of her grasp, hiding her face to hide the tears that were coming harder and faster. “Nothing, it’s nothing—“

“Beth,  _tell me_.”

“ _No_ ,” Beth said sharply. “Just…go, okay? Go have fun at university pretending I don’t exist because I never mattered to you anyway.”

She was being childish and all of her knew it but none of her cared. Her body shook as she tried to hold back her sobs, keeping silent as she cried, body tensed and turned away from Alison.

“Is that what you think?” Alison asked, stunned.

Beth didn’t trust her mouth to answer. If she opened it all that would come out was sobbing.

Alison felt tears of her own burning her eyes. “How could you possibly consider that?” she asked, her voice wavering. “Do…do you think I say ‘I love you’ just to say it?”

Beth’s jaw trembled, a little gasp of a sob escaping. “I…I don’t  _know_ , Ali.” Sobs choked up her words for a minute, and all she could do was bury her face in her hands and cry loudly. “I just know that loving you is the  _scariest_ thing ever because I c-could give everything to you a-and you could just walk away”

Alison’s jaw trembled. Tears spilled from the corners of her eyes onto her cheeks. “How can I prove it to you?”

Beth shook her head. “Y-you shouldn’t have to I should just believe you but I’m a s-stupid idiot—“

A sob cut her off, and Alison wiped uselessly at her eyes. “Beth, please, I love you—“

“I  _know_ , but t-things change and I don’t…I don’t know if it’ll last, I j-just…”

Alison forced back a sob about to overtake her body, tears leaking from her eyes as she stood. For a moment, Beth thought she left, but when she looked up through her tear-blurred vision, Alison was still standing there. Alison stood there, not one foot from Beth, and with shaking fingers she pulled her dress over her head.

Beth blinked, the excess tears spilling over, and a whimper of a sob escaped Alison as she pushed Beth’s book aside and took its place in her lap. Their kiss was salty and bitter and mixed with stuttering breaths. “A-ali, no—“

Alison cupped her cheeks, her palms already wet with the vast amount of tears that had collected on Beth’s cheeks. “I’m not going anywhere,” she said shakily, her lip quivering as a few more tears escaped her eyes. She kissed her softly, and fresh, hot tears slipped under her thumbs. “I love you.”

She kissed Beth harder, pressing herself closer and trying to stop her crying. She wasn’t losing Beth again. Not if she could help it. She kissed her not with anger or sadness or desperation, but with tenderness and firm presence. She followed the cadence of Beth’s trembling breaths, her heart pounding as she waited for Beth to push her away.

She hoped Beth understood. She hoped Beth saw how terrifying it was for her too. How new and out of her depth she was, not only to be in a relationship, but to be in one with  _Beth_ , someone she cared more about than anything else in the world. Beth wasn’t alone. Not in her state of mind or her state of being. They were in this together and that’s what she _wanted_ , but she was absolutely terrified at the idea of Beth not wanting it either. So she stayed there, kissing her softly, slowly,  _encouragingly_ , heart in her throat, almost impossible to breathe, as she waited for rejection.

But then she felt the lightest of touches ghosting against the bare skin of her hips, and for a second, she smiled, through the tears and through her kiss, and when Beth smiled back, when their teeth knocked together just for a second, she was safe. They were safe.

Beth’s more secure hold on her lower back only reaffirmed it.

…

School for the next few days was agony, but Beth slowly started catching up on her work with Alison’s help. Cosima kept herself from falling behind from all the distractions.

English class Thursday morning, almost two weeks after Beth had been released, was everything finally getting back to normal. Delphine had stayed behind in the French room to help out the freshman. So Cosima and Sarah were goofing off when they were supposed to be discussing a passage from the book.

“So what’re you and Delphine gonna do on your last week together?” Sarah teased.

Cosima rolled her eyes. “Stop shortening it. It’s  _ten_  days.”

“Right, right, sorry, are three bloody days gonna matter if all you’re gonna do is bang—“

Cosima whacked her with the worksheet packet. “We’re gonna do stuff!” she exclaimed. “Now that my parents are home I, uhh, kinda… _want_  to go out.”

“Shit,” Sarah breathed. “They’re in  _that_  kinda mood, huh? Bitchy insteada overly sweet?”

Cosima shrugged. “Probably better. I mean next time they leave, at least I won’t care too much.”

Sarah smiled sadly. “Yeah, that’s the spirit.”

She was going to say something else, but she was hit by an overwhelming sense of nausea. She nearly knocked her chair over as she stood and ran out the hall. Their teacher gave Cosima a look, who shrugged in return.

“Go check on her, will you?”

Cosima nodded, standing and grabbing the hall pass by the door before wandering to the closest girls’ bathroom.

“Sarah?”

“In here, Cos.”

Cosima slipped through the handicap stall door, looking down at Sarah, seated by the toilet, back against the stall wall.

“You okay?”

Sarah nodded once, then gagged a little before vomiting again into the toilet. Cosima closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. “How about now?”

“Yeah,” Sarah said feebly.

Cosima knelt down beside her, reaching out to press her hand to her forehead. “You don’t have a fever.”

“Thank you,” Sarah muttered. “I’m well aware.”

“You’ve, uhh, you’ve been tired lately?”

“What’s it to you?”

“Nothing, it’s just…”

Sarah’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Wha’?”

“You had to borrow a tampon the other day. I mean you’re usually really good about keeping them when you know you need them. Ever since you, uhh, bled through your shorts in seventh grade.”

“Wha’s your bloody point, Cos?” Sarah muttered, dropping her head back against the stall.

“Nothing, it totally doesn’t fit, I mean you haven’t been out partying in months, have you—“

“Cosima if you don’t spit out your point in the next sentence I’m gonna strangle ya—“

Cosima bit her lip, trying her best not to sound accusatory with her question.

“Are you, uhh, pregnant?”


	43. Chapter 43

“Wha’?” Sarah’s eyes widened a bit, eyebrows shooting up. “No!”

Cosima shrugged.

“No!” Sarah said again. “There’s no way, there’s…” But she stopped. Actually…

There was that night

The one she couldn’t remember.

Suddenly, she was struck with lost memories. Hot hands. Chests pressed together. Heavy breathing.

Shit.

“Sarah?” Cosima waved a hand in front of Sarah’s face. “Dude. Is there any way you…? With Paul, maybe?”

“No,” Sarah said quietly. She couldn’t find it in her to be horrified by the assumption. “Not Paul.”

“Shit,” Cosima breathed, because it was all the answer she needed. She fell back into a sitting position of her own against the opposite wall.

“Yea,” moaned Sarah, forcing a hand through her hair. “Shi’ is right.”

There was a long moment in which they just sat in silence, Sarah leaning her forehead against her hand as she thought, Cosima looking at her own hands as they twisted in her lap.

Finally, Cosima spoke. “What are you… gonna do?”

Sarah shook her head, not removing her hand. “I don’t… I don’t fuckin’ know.”

She’d avoided telling anyone but Alison about that night when she’d almost broke. The point was, she hadn’t broken. They didn’t need to know. Not then.

But now…

She’d have to tell S, and Felix, and Beth.

She’d have to tell Cosima.

The girl was quiet, not asking Sarah any questions about who the father could be. Cosima was good like that. She was patient. She didn’t expect you to disclose right away.

Sarah’s head hurt. She finally pulled her hand from her face.

“Y’know… that night… right before Beth got outta th’hospital? When you finally took Delphine out?”

“Yeaaa,” Cosima said slowly. “What about it?”

“Cosima, my… my old crew came back. They found me.”

Cosima’s jaw clenched ever so slightly, but other than that she didn’t react.

“I went to hang out wiff ‘em. No drugs, just… catchin’ up. And I didn’t, I didn’t break, Cos.” She rolled up her sleeves for proof, and Cosima relaxed a bit.

“But I go’… really wasted.” She laughed bitterly at her own stupidity, tears starting to form at the back of her throat. “I don’ remember… anyfin’.”

“So you think… it was one of them,” Cosima said quietly. Sarah could tell she was trying hard to be scientific about the situation, trying not to be too emotional. But Sarah had taken a huge risk, and both their hands shook with the notion of what could have been.

“Yea. There’s no other explanation.”

“Fucking hell, Sarah,” Cosima breathed. It was all she could think to say. What does one say in a situation like this?

“I know,” moaned Sarah, bringing her hands up to cover her face fully. “I really fucked up. But then again, it’s not surprisin’.” Another mirthless laugh forced its way out of her.

“Hey,” Cosima said softly, hand reaching out to grab the boot at the end of one of Sarah’s outstretched legs. “Look at me.”

She waited until Sarah pulled her hands away, inhaling deeply.

“You could have done worse, right? Like, way worse. You could have shot up. But, you didn’t. This is a shitty situation, sure. But, Sarah… I’m proud of you. You stayed clean. That’s what matters.”

Sarah’s eyes softened, a small smile tugging at her lips. “Hey, you’re pretty good at pep talks. You know, when you actually put a lil effort in.”

Cosima grinned. “Thanks. But you know, this isn’t set in stone. I’m no doctor. You need to get a test.”

Sarah sighed heavily.

“Yea. I know.”

Cosima pushed her glasses up, then clambered to her feet. “We should get back. You good?”

“Yea.” Sarah got up as well, brushing imaginary dust off her jeans. “Uh, you don’t mind… keepin’ this between us, yea? Jus’ until I’m… y’know… sure.”

“Yea, totally. No prob.” Cosima put a reassuring hand on Sarah’s shoulder. “It’s gonna be fine.”

“Yea, we’ll see,” Sarah grumbled.

–

“Alison!” Cosima said cheerfully as she approached the lunch table. “Heard you got into university. Nicely done!” Her blonde shadow nodded emphatically in agreement, curls bobbing.

“Yes, well, it wasn’t my first choice, but…” Alison shrugged a little.

“It’s still a big deal, Ali. You should be proud,” Beth said. Alison smiled, surprised to hear the steadiness and honesty with which Beth spoke.

“Thank you,” she said, and Beth grinned back. Their hands entwined. Everyone at the table could feel a change in their energy, a sort of intimacy between them that hadn’t been there before.

“Jesus Christ, get a room!” Sarah pretended to gag, and Beth kicked her under the table.

“Jealous, Manning?”

“Not even a little!”

“Children,” sighed Alison with an eye-roll and head-shake.

Cosima giggled.

“Sarah,” Alison said when silence fell once again. “Aren’t you going to eat?”

Sarah went a bit pale, and Alison’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly in suspicion. “Uhhh, nah, I’m… I’m no’ hungry.”

Alison looked at Cosima for help, and Cosima just shrugged. Alison’s suspicion grew.

Cosima was a terrible liar.

And whatever it was that she was lying about, Alison would find out.

Alison always found out.

–

Cosima and Delphine practically sprinted up to Cosima’s room when they arrived home, hoping to avoid Cosima’s parents at all costs.

“Do you think they heard us?” Delphine whispered as they stood behind Cosima’s closed door, breathing heavily.

“Hard to say,” Cosima breathed. They sat for a moment in silence, just listening.

“Cosima, can you come here a moment?” Her mother’s voice floated up the stairs. Cosima sighed heavily, her whole body going lax in a dramatic display of unhappiness. Delphine just giggled.

“Go,” she said, giving Cosima a little shove. “I will be here when you get back.”

Cosima groaned in mock agony, but pulled open the door and stepped through it all the same.

Delphine wandered Cosima’s room, taking it in fully without the owner in it. It fit her well, Delphine had to admit. There were books strewn everywhere, not one of them a fiction novel. Her desk was a mess, papers thrown about, laptop sitting open.

She smiled fondly as she imagined Cosima doing homework there, typing furiously and moving papers around haphazardly until they covered her desk.

She realized, with a slight pang, that she wanted to see that every day. She wanted to come home to Cosima frantically taking notes from a book, wanted to coax her to bed in the late hours of the night when the other girl got sucked into a book.

She wanted this to be her life.

She sighed heavily, taking a seat on Cosima’s bed. Her head shot up to study the door when she heard Cosima’s raised voice reverberating behind it.

“You’re never here! I don’t understand how you can just come back and act like nothing’s wrong!”

Delphine couldn’t make out what her parents were saying; could only hear the calm cadence of their voices as they tried to calm their daughter down.

“No!” Cosima yelled. “Of course you don’t understand! Of course you haven’t noticed anything! You never notice! It’s like I don’t exist! Nights spent alone, wishing my parents were here to talk to. Eating dinner alone. Trying to fall asleep in an empty house. It hurts me so much and you don’t even fucking notice!”

Hearing Cosima yell was foreign and painful, and the sound rattled around in Delphine’s skull. She braced herself to stand, ready to go downstairs and intervene if need be, but Cosima beat her, bursting into the room in an angry cloud.

She wasn’t crying. In fact, she was quite the opposite. Breathing heavily, body tense, Delphine hadn’t seen Cosima’s eyes look so clear in the entire time she’d known her.

“I’m gonna go do something irrational in the heat of the moment. Wanna come with?” Cosima asked.

Delphine grinned. “Of course.”

–

“What do you think?” Cosima asked a few hours later.

Delphine took one dread and twirled it around her finger. “You look beautiful.”

“Yea?”

“Oui.”

The hairdresser smiled at Cosima in the mirror. “It looks great. They really suit you.”

“Awesome,” Cosima breathed, the exhalation filled with relief. She turned her head this way and that, trying to see it from all angles. Her new nose ring, acquired just before coming here, glinted.

After paying the stylist and making their way outside, Cosima reached out to hold Delphine’s hand tightly. Delphine didn’t say anything, just squeezed reassuringly.

Cosima sniffled suddenly, turning her face away.

Delphine pretended not to see her tears.

–

Her nose was bleeding.

Why was her nose bleeding?

Where was she?

Helena gasped, stumbling into a light pole.

How had she gotten here?

Where was she going?

She leaned hard against the pole. The wind blew, pulling at her blonde curls and causing them to stick in the blood on her face. She moaned.

She hurt.

A voice echoed distantly in her head.

If you ever need a place t’stay…

My house is always open…

With trembling fingers she pulled out her phone, dialing Beth’s number. The other girl had given it to her during one of their little Ukrainian sessions.

“Hello?”

“Beth,” gasped Helena. “I vas just… vondering if you could give me Sarah Manning’s phone number.”


	44. Chapter 44

Beth ran her hand over her face to try and wipe the sleep away, sitting up despite the rush of cold air on her bare back. She wanted to be ready to jump out of bed and get dressed if need be. “Why do you need her number?” she asked.

At the sound of her voice, Alison stirred beside her, rolling her head to the side to give Beth a sleepy confused look. Beth just shook her head in a dismissive ‘go back to sleep’ manner. Alison’s eyes stayed trained on Beth’s face, even after Beth had looked away back to the opposing wall.

“Helena?” she prompted when there was no answer.

“I…I vas going to ask for a place to stay.”

“Oh.” Beth put her face in her hand, tucking her knees up to at least keep the blanket around her front.

Alison reached out, fingers tracing lazily up Beth’s spine as she half listened to the conversation. Though she was much more focused on the expanse of Beth’s skin. Beth shivered through her next sentence. “It’s three in the morning, Helena, don’t call her. She’ll be royally pissed.”

She sighed heavily, lifting her head back up and running her fingers through her hair. “Just…she lives on Lake Street. It’s got a fenced in yard and it’s the only red brick house there, okay?”

Helena didn’t answer.

“Do you know where Lake Street is?”

“…Yes.” The pause was enough to make Beth unsure.

“Do you know how to get there from where you are?”

More silence, followed by a loud gust of wind blowing over the mic on the other line. But then the wind was gone and Helena was back. “Yes.”

“Good,” Beth nodded encouragingly. “The key is behind the numbers. Just get it and unlock the door and then lock it behind you. The couch in the living room is actually pretty comfortable. Just…set yourself up there, okay?”

“Okay.”

The hesitancy in her voice was apparent, but Beth did not know what else to do. “Are you okay?” Stupid question, of course she wasn’t. “A-are you _safe_?” she retried.

“I am now.”

Relief flooded Beth’s chest. “Do you want me to stay on the line until you get there?”

“No. Thank you, Beth.” There was a pause and more wind rustling. “You are a good friend.”

The line clicked off, and Beth held the phone up to her ear for a long few seconds before letting it drop. She rolled onto her side to face Alison, propping her head up with her hand.

“Was she okay?” Alison asked.

Beth nodded, tucking Alison’s hair behind her ear. “Yeah. No need to worry.”

Alison craned her neck up, hand automatically cupping Beth’s cheek as she pressed a lingering kiss to Beth’s lips. “I always worry.”

Eyes still closed, Beth exhaled softly. She leaned down for another kiss, then hesitated, only to feel Alison’s breath on her lips as she once again stretched up to close the distance. Beth bit her lip, pulling back to stop it. “No, no, no,” she mumbled, more as a reminder to herself, “Sleep.”

She opened her eyes to find Alison grinning up at her before relaxing her head back onto her pillow. “Fine.”

Beth grinned back, letting her own head drop back to the mattress, one arm wrapping around Alison’s bare waist to pull her closer, flush against her. Alison slipped her arm under Beth’s neck, Beth burying her face into the crook of Alison’s neck and lifting her leg overtop one of Alison’s thighs, slipping it into the space between Alison’s. They laid there in silence for a long time, Beth’s fingers unable to stop themselves from trailing up and down Alison’s hip, unhindered in its path from her thigh all the way up to her side and back down.

“I love how you feel,” Beth admitted quietly.

Alison’s lips twitched in a smile before she forced on a serious face, eyes still closed. She lightly dragged her nails along Beth’s scalp as she played with her hair. “That’s not sleeping.”

“I know.” Beth kissed her neck before nuzzling it and sighing.

“I…I love how you feel too.”

It was true. She loved how she felt right then, cocooned in the blankets to the point where their body temperatures were the same. Where she could feel all of Beth’s skin at every point they touched. How she could always feel Beth involuntarily pull her closer. It was safe and it was theirs.

…

Mrs. S came downstairs to find a girl camped out on her couch. A pretty beaten, bloodied girl, curled up on the cushions, arms wrapped around the blanket, holding it like a person instead of having  _it_  wrapped around her. With a sigh, she crept past, turning on the stove to heat some water and digging around for some washcloths to clean the girl up.

She wet one and left the other dry, walking back in and kneeling down by the couch. One gentle touch of the towel to her face and she jerked up in a yell, cringing away.

“It’s okay, love,” Mrs. S said soothingly, “you’re okay. I won’t hurt you.”

Her wide eyes peered in scared distrust at the woman, but when she made no move to run, Mrs. S smiled encouragingly. “It’s okay, chicken, just lie back down.”

Slowly, as if afraid of startling the woman, Helena relaxed herself back down.

“There you go, chicken,” Mrs. S murmured, taking the edge of the blanket that had fallen and gently tucking it back against Helena’s chest, the girl automatically wrapping her arms back around it.

Mrs. S wiped the dried blood from under her nose first, carefully pushing back the hood enough to get to the gash by her hairline. Helena winced but did not move, muscles tensed around hugging that blanket like her life depended on it.

When she had done all that she could, Mrs. S stood halfway, bending back down to press a kiss to Helena’s forehead. “Go back to sleep, love. Haven’t got school for another few hours.”

The screaming of her tea kettle told her the water was boiled, and she walked back to the kitchen leisurely. It wasn’t like the sound would wake up her kids. They could sleep through a bloody train running through their rooms.

That would be, of course, if both of her kids were asleep.

Sarah was holed up in the bathroom, too scared to even turn the light on, staring at her fifth positive pregnancy test via the little nightlight in the corner. And, her fingers already too slick with tears to be of any use, she pulled her tank top up to wipe cover the bridge of her nose and soak up the tears that continued to fall.

She had absolutely no idea what to do, so she just texted Cosima a simple _you were right_  and threw the test in the trash before picking herself up off the floor and shuffling back to bed. Not like she’d get any sleep.

…

Cosima awoke to the text, staring at it for the longest time. What did this mean? She’d be seven months pregnant by graduation. If she kept it.  _Shit_ , was she keeping it?

She wasn’t putting it up for adoption; that much Cosima was one hundred percent sure OF. Sarah would never make a child live the life she had to. Not in a million years. But still, she couldn’t just sit here. She wasn’t one to pry, and she felt her chest constricting as she rubbed her eye with one hand and dialed Sarah’s number with the other.

“Hullo?” Sarah’s groggy voice answered.

“Sarah you know I mind my business. And I don’t pry, so I’m just going to speak my piece and then be done, okay? You, uhh, don’t have to listen to any bit of it obvs because it’s your life and I’m not even remotely interested in controlling it, but I will feel guilty for the rest of my life if I don’t put my two cents in.” She was waving her hand in that nervous habit and she didn’t even care a little bit. She pushed her glasses farther up her nose, and when Sarah didn’t speak, she continued.

“I don’t want you making your decision about keeping it before you tell everyone. Because while it’s totes your body and it’s totes your final decision, I know you. And if you make that choice on your own it’ll be because you think you’ll have to go through this process alone and that’s not true. You won’t be raising that child on your own and I just needed you to know that. Even if everyone else abandons you I’ll be there. I  _know_ everyone else will be too, but if you want the bare minimum of what I can promise, I can promise I will be there and you’ll never have to be alone.”

She swallowed thickly, feeling tears in the back of her throat. “Holy watershed that got preachy.”

There was a long pause on the other line before Sarah finally spoke up.

“Only a lil.”

Cosima’s eyes flashed shock before a grin spread across her face. “That’s the last time you’ll ever have me butting into your personal life,” she said with a laugh. “Deal?”

“Yeah, deal,” Sarah muttered sleepily. “Unless I ask for it. Which isn’t bloody likely.”

Cosima gave another half-hearted chuckle. “Okay, cool. Sorry if I woke you up.”

The heavy silence on the other line told her she hadn’t. “I really needed that, Cos. You have no bloody idea.”

Cosima looked down at her lap. “I’m…I’m glad.”

Sarah cleared her throat. “Delphine there?”

“She’s showering. I, uhh…I made sure.”

“Y’know for a stoner you’re pretty reliable.”

Rolling her eyes, Cosima flopped onto her back. “Already taking stabs at me, huh? Well I’m pretty sure that’s what people call rude.”

“Mhm. Tha’s what ya get for wakin’ me up.”

“Don’t  _lie_ ,” Cosima laughed. “Seriously you’re terrible at it.”

Sarah groaned, and by the way it muffled, Cosima could tell she had rolled over and into her pillow. “Fine, tha’s what ya get for jarrin’ me awake jus’ as I was  _about_  to fall asleep.”

“Better,” Cosima said.

She heard the water shut off in the other room and looked over. “Uhh, Sarah, I gotta go, but I’ll…head over there in a few minutes, okay? We can, uhh, walk to school together.”

Sarah smirked into her pillow. “I’m pregnant, Cos, not a bloody invalid.”

“For the  _company_ , you idiot. Don’t you just love talking to me?”

Sarah outright laughed at that. “Yeah, yeah, fine, I’m not stoppin’ ya.“

"Good. ‘Cause it’s actually for totally selfish reasons. Mostly. I, uhh, kinda got a nose ring.”

“Wha’?” Sarah felt herself grinning. “No fucking way. Not Cos the ever perfect.”

“I totes did. And it’s totes badass.” She bit her lip in excitement. It was like a fresh start. She could be who she wanted to.

She could hear the smile in Sarah’s voice when she spoke. “Can’t wait to see it.”

Sarah hung up and dropped the phone onto her bed, just in time for her alarm to go off.

“Bloody hell,” she muttered.


	45. Chapter 45

When Sarah finally came downstairs, fully clothed and somewhat ready to take on the day, she was startled to see an extra body seated at the table.

“Wha’… Helena?” she asked in surprise. She hadn’t actually expected the other girl to take her up on her offer.

“Hallo, Sarah,” Helena said quietly, before going back to wolfing down her cereal.

Sarah raised her eyebrows at Felix.

“Tha’s her second bowl,” was all he had to offer, amazement in his voice.

“Bloody hell, don’ they-” she was about to ask don’t they feed you at home, but at the last second rethought it, mouth snapping shut.

“I’m sorry,” Helena said immediately, taking their amazement for disgust. “I am in thee way. I vill just-” she pushed her chair back and stood abruptly. Sarah stepped forward. “Whoa, hey,” she said gently. “Relax, it’s fine. You’re no’ in the way, believe me.”

“We’ve definitely had worse, that’s for damn sure,” said Mrs. S as she walked into the kitchen, a playful gleam in her eye.

It was true. Sarah remembered how, once upon a time, this house was a refuge for lost children - girls, mostly. Mrs. S always had her door open, and sometimes she’d have anywhere from 3 to 10 children crammed into the house at once, sleeping on cots or in nests of blankets on the floor.

But then Sarah and Felix had come along, and won her heart.

Sarah’s own heart gave a guilty pang as she remembered what she was hiding. How she always screwed everything up,no matter how good to her Mrs. S was.

She opened her mouth and took a breath, fully prepared to tell Siobhan everything. But then the woman walked over, running a hand through Sarah’s hair.

“All right, chicken?” she asked casually, taking a sip of tea from her favourite mug.

Tears clogged Sarah’s throat, so she swallowed hard and nodded, faking a smile as best she could.

Later, she thought.

I’ll tell her later.

–

“Holy fuckin’ shit,” Sarah said loudly as she greeted Cosima and Delphine outside the house. “You actually did it!”

“Well yea,” Cosima said with an eye-roll. “What, did you think I like, made it up?”

“Kinda.” Sarah put her fingers lightly on Cosima’s jaw and urged her to turn her head this way and that, observing the glint of the nose ring from all angles.

“Tha’ is badass,” she finally declared, assessment complete. “Alison’s totally gonna have a fit.”

“Thanks. And I know.” Cosima grinned. There was a new air about her, Sarah thought, with that new hair and daring new piercing. She seemed much older, suddenly. More assured.

More her.

Felix came clomping down the stairs in his most punk boots, stopping almost immediately when he saw Cosima.

“Holy shit,” he breathed. “Tha’ looks awesome!”

“Thanks, Bud!” Cosima ruffled his hair, and he groaned, pulling his head from her reach and flipping his bangs back into place.

“I wan’ a nose ring,” he decided.

“Yea, good luck wiff tha’,” Sarah laughed. “S’d skin ya alive.”

Felix pouted.

“So are we ready to go, or…?” Cosima prompted, wondering why they weren’t moving.

“Hang on, we go’ one more,” Sarah said, holding up a finger, and Cosima furrowed her brow, confused.

Just then, Helena stepped carefully into the sunlight, hood pulled up.

“Oi, no,” Sarah chastised gently. “Hood off, c’mon.”

Hesitantly, Helena reached up and pulled the hood down.

Cosima’s eyes widened marginally and Delphine stifled a gasp at the sight of Helena’s bruised face. No matter how much they tried to pretend they hadn’t noticed, Helena was observant and caught their reactions.

“No,” Helena said, reaching to pull the hood back up. “No, people vill stare-”

“Then I’ll beat the livin’ shite outta them,” Sarah said, unconcerned. “You have to look a’ people when you talk, yea? Make eye contact. Take the hood off. Alison can work her makeup magic on ya soon as we get to the school. You’ll look good as new.”

Helena hesitated a second more before finally releasing the hood, arm coming to rest at her side.

“Tha’s it. Come on, now.” She lead Helena down the remaining stairs and together they made their way down the sidewalk.

Cosima squinted as she watched them go.

It was almost like…

Well…

For a second there, it was almost like they were sisters.

She shook her head.

Don’t be ridiculous.

Delphine reached for her hand as they walked, squeezing gently.

Nine days.

Cosima’s gut twisted.

–

“All right, hold still,” Alison said quietly, gently brushing foundation and cover up onto Helena’s face.

The blonde girl winced a bit, but otherwise remained still as a statue. She didn’t speak, hands clasped tightly in her lap.

Alison bit her lip, trying her hardest not to say anything that Sarah might deem “too motherly.” But it was hard. The way Helena looked, it broke her heart.

“There,” she breathed. “All set.”

Helena slid off the bathroom sink and turned to look in the mirror above it, eyes widening. The bruises, the cuts… they’d practically vanished.

“Thank you,” she whispered. “Thank you so much.”

Alison smiled, meeting Helena’s eyes in the mirror.

“Of course. First one’s free.”

–

It was as they were hanging around after school that it happened.

They were laughing about something stupid Sarah had said, and even Helena had cracked a nervous smile. But then, just as quickly as it appeared, it vanished, replaced by a look of pure terror.

Sarah stopped laughing immediately, a look of concern crossing her face. “Helena?” she asked, but the girl didn’t answer, staring instead into the distance and looking like she was seeing a ghost. Sarah followed her gaze, the others following suit.

“Who’sat?” Sarah asked, seeing a rather disheveled, angry-looking man approaching.

“My… foster father. I haff to go,” Helena said immediately, and she strode quickly forward to meet the man.

Sarah looked at the others in confusion and was met with equal looks of puzzlement. Beth shrugged. Alison looked concerned. Cosima scratched her nose, eyes fixated on the scene before them.

Despite her best efforts, Sarah couldn’t make out what they were saying - all she could see was that the man was angry and Helena was desperate.

And then.

And fucking then.

And then he raised his hand.

The sound of his palm connecting with Helena’s face echoed in Sarah’s head, louder than the gasps of her friends. Louder than Alison’s tiny “oh no” of horror, louder than Beth’s “are you fucking serious?”

All she could hear was the strike.

All she could see was Helena stumbling back.

All she could feel was rage.

Before she could register anything else she was walking purposefully forward, hands curling into fists, arm muscles tensing in preparation. Then suddenly she was running.

And then she was on the ground, taking him with her. The sidewalk scraped her palms when they landed. Someone was yelling, and distantly she thought it might be her. They struggled, and his elbow caught her in the nose. Grunting, she finally pinned him.

And then she began to strike.

“You-bloody-bastard-how-fuckin’-dare-you-” each word was punctuated by a fist in his face, until he was dazed and bleeding profusely.

And someone was pulling her back, and she was crying “No! No, he- he hit her the piece of shit he hits her I need to-” and Beth’s voice was in her ear, whispering “It’s ok, she’s ok, c’mon, that’s enough.” soothingly.

Beth tried hauling Sarah to her feet, but Sarah’s knees buckled. “Ok,” Beth whispered, dragging her back a few more feet and lowering her onto the grass. “All right.”

Sarah tasted blood and groaned, putting a hand under her nose to try and stem the flow.

“I am going to be in so much trouble,” Helena said quietly. “He vill be very mad.” She wrung her hands, staring at his motionless form.

Fuck.

Had she knocked him out?

“Don’t be fuckin’ stupid,” Sarah ground out. “You don’t hafta go back wiff him ever again, yea? You can stay wiff me.”

Helena gave an uncertain smile as the sound of police sirens approached in the distance.

Sarah was all serrated blades and barbed wire. Protection.

Helena was broken glass and stones worn sharp by the wind - harsh, because her environment made her so.

Maybe, if Sarah’s blades and fences could keep her protected long enough, Helena could be beautiful again.

She wouldn’t have to hurt anymore.

–

“Easy, chicken.”

Sarah hissed as Mrs. S dabbed a cloth under her nose, dried blood pulling at the skin there.

“That was a very noble thing you did,” Siobhan went on as she worked. “Who knows what woulda happened to that girl if she’d been allowed to stay in that house even one more minute.”

Sarah swallowed, jaw working.

Just do it.

“Mrs. S, there’s… uh, there’s somefin’ I need to tell ya.”

Siobhan dropped her hand, stopping her work to listen fully. “Go on.”

“Uh… you know my old group’a friends? From when I…?”

“Yes,” Siobhan said quickly, face going immediately stony at the mention of Sarah’s old crew.

“Well, uh, they came back. I hung ou’ wiff’em. I go’ real wasted an’… an’ I don’ remember what happened.”

Siobhan was going whiter with each word, and Sarah’s heart began to race, so she finished quickly. Before she could chicken out.

“Mrs. S, I… I’m pregnant.”

There was a painfully long pause in which Siobhan just stared at her. Then, finally, she breathed out a long sigh.

“Oh, thank God.”

Sarah frowned.

“I thought you were fixin’ to tell me you’d gone back to them. The drugs. Oh, Sarah, don’t scare me like that.”

Sarah rolled up her sleeves quickly, showing the smooth, unmarked skin there. “No. No, never.”

Mrs. S took one of her hands tightly in her own. “I can’t say I’m not disappointed, because I am. But… we can figure this out, all right? Just so long as you haven’t gone back to your old ways, we can figure it out.”

And she went back to dabbing Sarah’s face, pretending not to notice the tears as they made their journeys down the plains of Sarah’s cheeks


	46. Chapter 46

Where Delphine’s limbs started and where Cosima’s ended, they weren’t sure. They had laid down on the couch for a quick movie, but had ended up cuddling and consequently napping. Cosima had woken first, Delphine shortly after, and they had laid there for what felt like hours. Just lying there and not moving and trying to memorize heartbeats. Breaths. Anything.

Cosima sighed, but it felt heavy. It  _sounded_  heavy.

“What is the matter, chérie?” Delphine asked quietly, her fingers pausing their decent down Cosima’s back.

Cosima shook her head feebly, her arm wrapping tighter around Delphine’s waist. “Nothing.”

Delphine pulled her shoulder away so Cosima had to look up. “Do not lie.”

With another sigh and another head shake, Cosima lifted her hand up to wave it off. “I’m not, I’m not, really.” She dropped her had quickly back on top of Delphine’s stomach.

“I do not believe you.”

She stared hard into Cosima’s eyes, the brunette trying her best not to look uncertain. After a few long seconds, her façade fell, her eyes saddening.

“Please… _please_  let it go.”

Delphine’s eyes faded into a look of hurt, her chest falling in an exhale as though she’d been kicked. “You can talk to me, Cosima.”

Cosima closed her eyes tightly and tried not to shake her head again, but failed. “Shit, no, we’ve never really talked about it and I don’t wanna screw anything up with my stupid mouth that never shuts up—“

Delphine kissed her. It was quick and kind of hard and almost missed entirely, but Cosima felt better.

“S’il te plait. Dis-moi.”

_Don’t do it, Niehaus. Just shut your trap and pretend you never said anything._

“I, uhh, I…well we…I just…what are we?”

Delphine’s head tilted and Cosima grimaced. “I, uhh, I mean…like…yeah. What are we? Like what am I to you?”

She couldn’t force any words out but the one’s she’d already said and her cheeks burned. Shit. “Nevermind, just forget it, I…”

Delphine’s hands cupped her cheeks and she looked up, the blonde’s broken smile enough to rip her heart out. “Do you mean am I going to go home and pretend this never happened?”

Cosima clenched her jaw to keep it from trembling. “Yeah.”

For a long time, they looked at each other, Cosima’s breathing growing more unsteady by the second.

“Chérie,” Delphine said slowly, “I cannot promise we will work, mais I…I would very much like to try. Not an…open deal. Je te promets. I would like to…stay yours, si…if that is…what you want. But if this was a fling for you then I-I understand—”

Cosima blinked. “Nononononono,” she rushed out. “I…I…want that too.”

The unabashed surprise that flashed in Delphine’s eyes, followed by a flood of genuine joy knocked the air out of Cosima’s chest. “I, uhh…” Say it, Niehaus. Say it. “I-I’m really glad we’re on the same page.” She flashed a genuine smile, pressing her tongue to the back of her teeth as she leaned in, Delphine meeting her halfway in a gentle kiss.

“Me too,” Delphine murmured.

Cosima figuratively rolled her eyes at herself.  _You’re such a chicken shit. You might’ve missed your only opportunity to tell her. You love her and you can’t even tell her because it’s fucking_ nuts _. It’s been a month_.

…

“Are you keepin’ it?”

Sarah blinked. They had been sitting at the kitchen table staring at the tons of flyers and advertisements for adoptions, abortions, and free clinics from back when Mrs. S had had from when she housed dozens of rebellious girls. Yes, they were out of date, but the point was, they were looking. And they were looking together.

“You don’t got an opinion you’re gonna tell me?” She glanced over at the woman.

Mrs. S tilted her head. “You already know my opinion. You are all that’s important to me.”

Rolling her shoulders, Sarah turned her head to hide her face from her foster mother. She didn’t want her to see the tears in her eyes as she tried to joke, “Wha’, no words’a wisdom? No tellin’ me what’s right?” She didn’t know why she was hiding behind humor. She needed help. Why couldn’t she just admit that?

She felt Mrs. S shifting beside her, but refused to look until a hand grabbed her chin and forced her face in Mrs. S’s direction. Her tears brimmed over and more quickly followed at the loving look in Mrs. S’s eyes.

“You want my opinion? My opinion is you already know what you want. You’re just too bloody scared to admit it.” Her eyes flicked back and forth between Sarah’s, looking for any indication she was wrong. But the way Sarah’s face crumpled told her she was right.

“C’mon,” she encouraged, letting go of Sarah’s chin to wipe her tears away. “Say it. Out loud. It’ll be good for ya.”

Sarah sniffled and inhaled deeply, the breath staying caught in her chest as she tried to get the words out. The longer she held it there, the more her chest burned and more tears threatened to come. “I…I wanna keep it, S.”

Her jaw trembled a little, and the reassuring smile Mrs. S gave her might have been the best thing she’d ever seen. There wasn’t disappointment. There was pride. And Sarah knew for once it wasn’t because of the decision she made. It was because it was a decision she had made on her own to do good for herself. Something she’d never managed to do before. She hadn’t chosen to get clean. She had been forced. And while staying clean was her choice every day, she regretted not being able to take that step on her own. This was her own chance to better herself and she wasn’t going to miss it.

Mrs. S blinked and Sarah swore she saw tears in her foster mother’s eyes but they were already gone when the woman started speaking again.

“An’ ya know what? It’s what’s best for you, love. You couldn’t live with yourself if ya didn’t keep it. Both you an’ I know that. And as I said before…you’re all that’s important to me, chicken. An’ livin’ the rest of your life wonderin’ who that child coulda been will do nothin’ but drive you right back to shootin’ up.”

She raised her eyebrows up. “Am I wrong?”

Sarah shook her head. “No. I…No.”

They sat there for a long time, half looking at each other and half trying not to. Sarah felt her confession building in her chest before she could stop it.

“I’m scared.”

The words hung there, heavy around them. Sarah thought she might actually be able to suffocate on them. But Mrs. S saved her. Like she so often seemed to.

“Well you’d be damn well stupid if you weren’t.”

“I…is this going to affect school? Am I gonna graduate?”

While Sarah had never really cared much for school, she found herself suddenly aware of how unprepared she’d be if she  _didn’t_  graduate.

“Sarah, you better believe I’m draggin’ ya all the way through your classes to bloody graduation, do you hear me? I will shove ya out there in your gown even if you’re seven months pregnant lookin’ like a bloody whale.”

“ _Oi_ ,” Sarah whacked her with the information flyer, laughing just a little.

Siobhan laughed, leaning back in her seat. “Better get used to the idea now, love. And ya better memorize how your toes look because you won’t be seein’ ‘em for a good few months.”

Sarah tried not to smirk down at the table. “Yeah, well I never much liked how they looked anyway.”

Mrs. S smiled sadly at her. “Tha’s the spirit.”

Sarah ran her hand over her face, leaning back in her chair to mirror Mrs. S. “Are people gonna treat me different?”

With a frown, Siobhan reached out and put her hand on top of Sarah’s. “If they find out, yeah. We’re not gonna let ‘em. Not ‘til you’ve passed everythin’.”

“How?” Sarah’s brow furrowed. She stared down at their hands.

“You’re gonna start wearing baggy shirts now.”

Sarah opened her mouth to protest, but the warning look she received immediately made her close it again.

“People might question ya a little bit now from the sudden change. But all ya gotta do is lift up your shirt an’ make ‘em feel like an idiot for assumin’. By the time you  _are_  showin’ everyone’ll be used to your big clothes an’ no one’ll have the guts to ask  _again_. Sound like a plan, chicken?”

“How did you even bloody think of that?” Sarah asked, a laugh in her voice. “I mean Christ that’s insane.”

Siobhan shrugged. “Crazy runs in the family, love. Besides. It’s my job to protect you, no matter how far-fetched a plan it may seem.”

“Thanks,” Sarah mumbled, swallowing.

Her hand felt warm and so did her chest.

…

Beth nudged her bedroom door open with her hip, both her hands occupied trying to dry her hair. Alison looked up from studying to smile at her before going back to writing out her calculus problems in her notebook. “Have a good shower?”

“Yeah,” Beth nodded, ruffling her hair once more with her towel before dropping it on the ground.

Alison gave her a look, but focused back on what she was writing. Beth walked to her mirror and pulled the towel around her body up a little, making sure it would stay when she reached for her brush.

“Did it make the aching stop?”

The brush paused before Beth managed to pull it the rest of the way through her hair. “How’d you know?” She looked at Alison’s reflection in the mirror.

“You were rubbing your knees in eighth period,” Alison said lightly, tapping her pen on the paper as she stared at it. She was staring at it way too hard. But she wasn’t stiff in her usual way when she was trying to hide her worry. She was fidgeting though. Curling and uncurling her toes in her socks, eyes flitting around on the page too fast to be actually reading anything. Beth sighed. Sometimes she wished she didn’t notice things.

“Are you alright?” she asked, actually turning around to look at Alison instead of through the mirror.

“What?” Alison’s brow furrowed and she flicked her eyes up for a second before immediately dropping them back down. “Of course, why would you ask that?” The words came out too fast and her pitch was too high and both of them knew it.

Alison sighed and let her head hang down, closing her eyes. “You’re just…very distracting, Beth.”

Beth’s eyebrows pushed down in confusion. “What?” She pulled her brush from her hair and winced when it caught. “Sorry. I, uhh, I can go do this somewhere else.”

Alison tried not to huff. “No, it’s okay, go back to it.”

What was going on? Beth didn’t understand. But with a little shrug, she turned back to the mirror and continued to brush her hair. The floor creaked; Alison was probably shifting and fidgeting some more. But it turned out she was wrong. Because Alison’s hands snaked around her waist, her chin dropping to Beth’s still damp shoulder.

“For someone who picks up on details, you’re fairly horrible at taking a hint,” she mumbled.

Beth’s mouth dropped open in a question she wasn’t sure how to ask, her brow furrowing. “Wh…?”

Alison dipped her head to kiss the spot on her shoulder where her chin had been, and Beth shivered, her hair standing on end from her shoulder all the way down her back and arms. Oh. Alison kissed a little closer to Beth’s neck, slipping her hand under the front seam the towel left, skimming her fingers up Beth’s side.

 _Oh_.

“I’m sorry,” Beth offered, her eyes closing as she leaned back into Alison.

A smile tugged at Alison’s lips as she lingered above Beth’s shoulder. “No you’re not.”

Beth shook her head. “I’m still learning.”

And while it certainly took away the heat of their moment, Alison was still glad Beth had said it. She lifted her head up so it was the same height as Beth’s, tilting it so she could rest the side of her head against Beth’s hair. “ _We_  are,” she said quietly.

It was true. They were new at all of this. Having a relationship. Having sex.  Everything was new and different and the feelings were newer and more different and Alison didn’t want it any other way. Their first few…encounters had been a mess of laughing and mix ups and some rather failed attempts, but it all worked fairly well in the end. And it was terrifying, but she had always felt safe with Beth. Somehow now she just felt… _safer_.

Beth smiled at her, turning her head to kiss her cheek. “I love you,” she murmured against her skin. Alison couldn’t help but grin. “Never stop saying that.”

Beth pressed her forehead to Alison’s temple, nodding. “Ti amo.”

Alison’s heart fluttered, her eyes closing and her breath leaving her in a rush. “You do?”

“Ya tebe kokhayu,” Beth turned in Alison’s arms, kissing her softly. “Te quiero.”

Her next kiss lasted longer, like she almost had to pull herself away to whisper, “je t’aime.”

Alison bit her lip, trying hard to conceal her already shallow breathing. Just the  _thought_  of Beth without clothes was enough to grip her chest. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever get used to actually having it.

 “I love you too,” she finally exhaled, feeling Beth’s little laugh as a quick breath against her lips.

“Yeah, I know, Ali.”

And the confidence Alison heard made her excited. It made her hopeful that they would, in fact, get through this depression. Through this addiction. Through  _anything_. She smiled before closing their distance again, kissing Beth with purpose this time. She could feel how Beth smiled every time they broke apart, and she couldn’t help but do it too, her hands easily untucking the towel in the front and letting it drop.

Beth only stepped closer and kissed her with less of a smile and more firmly, her hands threading in Alison’s hair. Alison reciprocated, hands falling to Beth’s bare hips, pulling her closer. She liked how it felt, having her so close. Having their stomachs and torsos and legs together. She liked how every part of her that touched Beth burned so perfectly.

“Beth, honey, did I hear you get out of the shower?” the footsteps echoed right near the door

“Wh-“ Both their eyes snapped open and they broke apart enough to stare at each other, but beyond that they couldn’t move as the door swung open.

Alison couldn’t force herself to turn around. Beth looked over Alison’s shoulder, mouth hanging open with an explanation she didn’t have.

“Beth what is the meaning of this?”

“Well, uhh, mum,” Beth stumbled through as she picked her towel off the ground and haphazardly threw it around herself. “when two people love each other—“

“Elizabeth Childs, do not get smart with me. How long as this been going on?”

Beth glanced back to Alison, trying to decide what was the best answer. “It’s fairly recent, actually, we—“

“Is that why you were away?”

Any rational explanation Beth had planned on telling flew right out of her mind. It was replaced with anger. How dare she. What kind of mother didn’t notice her child was depressed? What kind of mother didn’t notice when her child was crumbling from the inside out, living  _high_  most of the time just to muddle through? How  _dare_  she.

“Yeah, mom,” she snapped, “We were on our fucking honeymoon.” She threw one hand up. “Ooooh, you caught us. Good job. Such good detective skills.”

Her mother’s face indicated she was having difficulty sorting through what was sarcasm and what wasn’t. “Elizabeth, do not toy with me, how  _dare_  you do something so irrational without my consent—“

Beth laughed. She wasn’t even allowed to get married without a parents’ consent. She was still seventeen for Christ’s sake. Did her mother even know how old she was? “Yeah. Sorry. I forgot you’re so invested in my life. Otherwise I totally would’ve consulted you—“

“I will  _not_  have you talking to me like that under my roof, young lady. We will discuss this later and sort it out—“

“There’s nothing to sort out!” Beth shouted. “I love her. That’s it. Don’t tell me I can’t—“

“I will tell you whatever I please—“

“Then I’m  _leaving_ ,” Beth almost screamed.

It left the room in dead silence. Beth wasn’t passionate. She wasn’t too emotional either. Depression aside, she didn’t… _do_  strong emotions. And the tears that laced her voice as it broke on the word had everyone understanding the severity.

“Sweetheart, let’s talk about this.”

“No.”

She dropped her towel and pulled on sweatpants that were thrown on the ground.

“Don’t do anything rash, just please talk to me—“

“You wouldn’t listen anyway,” Beth muttered, pulling an armful of clothes from her clean laundry basket and shoving them into her school backpack. “C’mon, Ali.”

She caught her hand and tugged Alison toward her bedroom door, knocking shoulders with her mother as she passed. They stumbled out the front door, Beth already storming toward Mrs. S’s. They didn’t say words. They didn’t let go of each other’s hand.

But a few miles and Beth realized Alison was crying. Silent tears, her body rigid as she held them in.

“Ali…” she said, her heart aching for her. “Don’t…”

“I-I’m so sorry,” Alison whispered shrilly. “This is all my fault. Let…let me go back there and make it right.”

Beth shook her head. “No. Making it right would mean telling her you don’t wanna see me. And we’re not compromising for her, Ali.  _I’m_  not.”

“B-but Beth, that’s your  _mom_. You can’t…you can’t just…l-leave. I…I’m so sorry I-I took that away from you.”

Beth pulled them to a halt. “You didn’t take anything away, Alison,” she said, looking her dead in her eyes. “You have done nothing but give to me. I…I had nothing to lose back there. Okay? Well…I did. I had  _you_  to lose. And I…I don’t want that to happen. Please. D-don’t blame yourself. We’ll…figure this out.”

Alison sniffled, looking up to the sky to try and stem her tears.

“I-I don’t want you regretting this,” she whispered. “I…I don’t want you having to regret… _me_.”

“Hey.” Beth took hold of both her hands and squeezed them. “I would never.”

Alison nodded stiffly, slowly lowering her head a little. “Will Mrs. S mind if we crash at her place?”

Beth smiled at her trooper of a girlfriend. “Yeah. I don’t think she’ll mind.”


	47. Chapter 47

If anyone in Siobhan’s house was surprised to find Beth and Alison on their doorstep, they didn’t show it.

Sarah opened the door, and after taking in the overstuffed backpack and tear-stained eyes, nodded and stepped aside.

She didn’t ask any questions.

Helena smiled politely from her place at the table, where she was watching Felix draw, and waved.

Mrs. S walked in and, without even looking up, ran a hand over Beth’s shoulders as she passed. “Hello, love.”

Nobody questioned her.

Nobody judged her.

And that’s how Beth knew she was home.

–

Alison looked up from her book to study Beth, who was sitting in an armchair with her knees drawn up, turning her phone over and over in her hands as if it could give her all the answers she needed.

“You should study,” Alison said softly.

Beth laughed bitterly, not taking her eyes off her moving hands. “What’s the point?”

“Well, finals are coming up.”

Beth rolled her eyes. “Not what I meant.”

There was a silence then, and Alison took that opportunity to scribble down a few more notes.

“No matter how well I do on my exams I’m still going to fail,” Beth finally said. “There’s literally no point.”

“What are you gonna do?”

“I don’t know.”

It was a lie. She’d been thinking a lot about what she was going to do.

The police academy didn’t have an age limit.

She could drop out and enroll.

Everyone always said she’d make a good detective.

Why not go for what you’re good at?

She sighed.

You really fucked everything up, didn’t you, Childs?

–

Cosima and Delphine’s last days together went by far too quickly for either of them, though Cosima was sure forever still wouldn’t be enough time.

They went out to dinner, Cosima’s treat, and laughed and laughed until they couldn’t feel the impending threat of tomorrow at the corners of their minds.

They went back to Cosima’s house only to find it empty, her parents apparently having decided to spend their evening at the lab.

“Oh, my,” said Delphine mischieviously as they walked through the front door. “Our last night together and the house to ourselves. What shall we do?”

Cosima didn’t answer. She’d been quiet the whole way home, and now she had her back to Delphine as she removed her coat.

Delphine sighed, turning, and went about taking off her own coat. She was about to ask Cosima what was wrong, but was interrupted by the other girl’s lips on her own.

“Mmm,” she moaned against Cosima’s teeth as the brunette’s hand found her beneath the waistband of her pants. “Bed…room.” It took her a second to get the word out, Cosima’s heat making the English muddled.

They stumbled their way up the stairs as one unit, hands moving fast. They burst into Cosima’s bedroom, and Cosima kicked the door shut, already pulling Delphine’s shirt up and over her head.

Delphine laid back on the bed and Cosima climbed onto her, all knees and elbows. Delphine cupped the back of Cosima’s neck and for an instant, there was nothing but love.

But Cosima’s gasps were becoming more labored, and just as they reached a good rhythm, hips moving in tandem, Delphine thought she tasted tears.

“Cosima,” she whispered pleadingly. “Stop. Cherie, please. Stop.”

Suddenly, as if having lost all energy, Cosima crumbled atop her. Sobs shook her body as she pressed her face into the crook of Delphine’s neck.

“Cosima,” Delphine breathed sadly, holding her tight.

“I love you,” Cosima choked. “It’s only been a month but I love you. Jesus. I love you so much. I don’t want you to go please stay I love you I love you-”

“Shhhhh,” Delphine soothed, running a finger along the ridges of Cosima’s back. “It’s all right. I love you, too.”

They stayed that way well into the night, not sleeping, not moving. Just being.

Just together.

–

Sarah’s eyes opened to darkness, and she found herself briefly wondering just what in the bloody hell had woken her.

She rubbed her eye with one hand, propping herself up with the other. She strained her ears, listening hard for any disturbances.

That’s when she heard it.

Tiny, muffled and barely audible, the whimper came from the nest of blankets Helena had formed in the corner of Sarah’s room. Sarah furrowed her brow.

Helena’s voice broke as she began to whisper in Ukrainian, words Sarah didn’t understand but could recognize as being pleads for mercy. She ran a hand clumsily through her hair, sighing heavily and climbing out of bed.

“Helena,”she said quietly, voice rusty with sleep. She crouched down beside the pile of blankets, finding Helena’s shoulder and grabbing it gently. “Helena, wake up.”

The blankets jerked as Helena shot up into a sitting psition, arms instantly flying up to cover her face. The Ukrainian slowly melted into English.

“No please Tomas I am sorry please don’t I did not mean it-”

“Shhhh,” Sarah whispered. “Not Tomas. Sarah.”

Helena stopped, falling immediately silent and staring into Sarah’s eyes.

“Sarah,” she said softly, voice rough.

“Yea.” Sarah smiled a little. “C’mon.”

Helena held Sarah’s shoulders and let the other girl help her to stand. Sarah lead her to the bed, urging her to lie down beneath the covers before doing the same.

“Go back to sleep,” Sarah whispered, holding Helena’s hand tightly, reassuringly. “You’re safe now.”

And Helena believed her.

–

The next morning, everyone was bustling about the kitchen for breakfast. With the extra bodies, it was more chaotic than usually, so much so that Sarah almost didn’t hear the feeble knock on the door.

“I got it,” she called, running for the door. When she tugged it open, she was surprised to find Cosima standing there, eyes wet, mouth threatening to crumble by the way the corners kept turning down.

“Delphine’s flight just took off,” was all she offered by way of explanation.

“Oh, Cos,” Sarah murmured, pulling the other girl in for a hug. Cosima just sniffled a little.

They stood that way for a while, just hugging. Behind Sarah, Alison and Beth looked on, brows furrowed in concern.

Finally, Sarah pulled away. “It’ll bee all righ’. You’ll see her in the summer, yea?”

Cosima gave one last, valiant sniffle. “Yea.”

Sarah pulled Cosima all the way into the house and closed the door. “So. Ya hungry?”

Cosima laughed. “Always.”


	48. Chapter 48

The group walked to school en mass, all of them a little quieter than usual, all unwilling to admit it.

“Where’s your punk rock gear?” Beth asked, rolling her shoulders to keep her backpack from slipping off her shoulders.

Sarah kept her eyes down on the ground, unconsciously playing with sleeve of her sweater.

“No bloody time this mornin with all th chaos.”

“Sorry,” Cosima added, keeping her eyes focused straight ahead.

“Not your fault,” Sarah said.

_Just tell ‘em, Manning. They won’t bloody care._

But she couldn’t force the words out of her mouth. All she could do was pull Felix into an extra-long hug when they got to the middle school. He didn’t protest, but she saw the question in his eyes as he turned to leave.

How could she tell him? How could she tell any of them how close she’d come to screwing up?

She could feel Cosima’s worried gaze on her, but she couldn’t force herself to look over. She just kept her fists balled inside the sleeves of her sweatshirt, praying the day would go by quickly.

…

Cosima tried to ignore it, but she couldn’t.

School felt empty. Her classes felt empty. Something was missing and it was Delphine. Even though she had been too self-conscious to speak to anyone besides Beth or Alison or Sarah, Cosima still missed her presence. She missed how close she had scooted her chair so their legs pressed together. She missed being able to smell Delphine’s shampoo when she bent down to get a pencil from her backpack.

She just…missed.

Lunch wasn’t so bad. Beth worked extra hard to get her to laugh. Alison had Sarah in hysterics (obviously by accident), the punk bent over in tears, clutching her abs as she tried desperately to keep quiet. Alison looked on, huffing and fidgeting in that flustered way, trying not to be embarrassed.

“Sarah,” she hissed, whacking her shoulder lightly. “Stop it.”

Sarah only let out a strangled sound, shaking her head and opening her mouth wordlessly to try and answer.

 _That_  was a sight Cosima could honestly say she missed. And the loving gaze Beth had glued on Alison the whole time? That was something she didn’t know she needed until right then.

French sucked. Obvs.

But she was surprised to see Sarah actually focused in English. Happy, even.

…

Sarah normally sat in her room to study. She liked the privacy where her brain normally wandered with distractions of others. But when she came home after watching Felix paint for a few hours in the park, she found Cosima, Alison, and Beth all seated on the living room floor, books in their laps, chewing on pens and tapping pages and asking quiet questions before scribbling down notes in fresh notebooks.

And she felt inclined to join.

So she dropped her backpack off her shoulder and sat down beside Helena, who was fixing her skateboard beside them.

Three hours and five class subjects later, Sarah’s brain was tired. They were all reclining, books still open, but they had clearly come to a close for the night. And Sarah realized that she could survive this semester. She was going to pass. She might even get all B’s because of these girls, and they were the people who got her through everything, without fail.

And she felt the words spilling out before she could stop them.

“Guys, I uhh, I need to tell ya somethin’.”

Cosima’s eyes shot open. Beth and Alison looked at her in concern, and Helena even stopped taping to look up.

“I…” she swallowed, rubbing the back of her neck. “I’m kinda…I…”

She took a deep breath, looking into each of their eyes, each of them and the care in their eyes. She saw Alison slip her hand into Beth’s, and she realized pause was only causing more stress.

“I’m pregnant.”

Cosima exhaled shakily, glancing over to her counterparts. Alison’s grip on Beth’s hand was tight, but after the shocked look on her face passed, it changed to concern. “Sarah, was it…?”

Sarah bowed her head. “Yeah, I, uhh…Yeah. It was someone in my old crew. I…I dunno who, I jus’ I…I feel like an idiot I really fucked up—“

“Sarah,” Beth said lightly. “We got your back.”

That was all they could really say. They sat in silence for a little bit before Helena piped up. “Pregnant?”

Sarah looked to her, hand immediately falling to her stomach. “I, uhh…baby,” was all she managed.

Helena’s eyes lit up, looking down at Sarah’s hand and back. “Zat is vonderful,” she exclaimed, a bright smile spreading onto her face.

“I’ll be your lover for your ultrasounds, Manning,” Beth teased, “I mean we can totally pretend to be madly in love, right?”

She grinned and tapped Sarah’s foot with hers. “Already there to start a family.”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “No one’s playin’ my bloody lover,” she laughed. “I can go to the clinic with S, yeah?”

Beth shrugged. “Just saying. Y’know if you needed the moral support or whatever.”

Sarah tried not to smile at the sentimentality. “Yeah, I’ll keep it in mind, asshole.”

…

Cosima retired to bed a few hours later, but found herself unable to really fall asleep. So with her eyes closed, glasses not even on, she dialed Delphine’s number. It rang three, four, five times before it finally picked up.

“C-cosima? C’est…c’est trois heure du matin? Tout va bien?“

"Wh-oh, shit, I’m sorry, jesus,” Cosima ran her hand over her face. “I forgot, I just, I couldn’t fall asleep, God I’m sorry—“

“Non, non, non, c’est d’accord—merde, euh, it is okay,” Delphine sputtered out, sitting up abruptly, trying to wipe the sleep from her eyes. “Is everything alright?”

Cosima smiled sadly. “Already used to speaking French again, huh?”

Delphine laughed quietly. “Oui. I spent the whole day catching up with my friends. They were, how do you say…very excited to hear what America was really like. I did not really have much to tell them seeing as my range of exposure was rather…concentrated.” She laughed again.

Cosima bit her lip. “Yeah, sorry, I uhh…wasn’t the best of hosts, huh?”

“You were the best host I could’ve asked for.”

They smiled together. After a beat, Cosima cleared her throat. “Uhh, what…did you tell them?”

The silence on the other line made her heart drop out, but then Delphine’s voice came back, timid.

“Well…they, euh…they are very excited to meet you.”

Cosima’s mouth opened in shock before it morphed into a genuine smile. “You…you…?”

“Told them about you?” the smile in her voice was apparent. “Oui.”

“Uhh…that’s…totes cool.”

“Are you feeling better?” Delphine asked gently.

“Yeah.” Cosima nodded. “I, uhh…I wish you were here, though.”

Delphine smiled sadly. “I wish I were too. Just…count down the days with me, oui?”

“Oui,” Cosima breathed. “Now, uhh…you should probs get back to sleep, huh?”

Laughing softly, Delphine bit her lip and nodded. “Probablement, oui. Will…you be alright if I go?”

“Yeah. I-I’ll be good. Thanks.”

“Bonne nuit, Cosima. Je t’aime.”

Cosima exhaled softly. "I love you too. Sleep well.”

She hung up and dropped her phone, trying to hold onto the happiness instead of the desperate loneliness creeping in.

…

The middle of the night came and Mrs. S found herself too wrapped up in worrying about the girls currently crashing at her house to sleep. So with a weary body and a wide awake mind, she pulled herself out of bed and shuffled toward the stairs.

She frowned when she saw a little light coming from the kitchen. She walked carefully the rest of the way down the steps, skipping the ones that creaked. Alison was curled up on the couch, fast asleep and snoring lightly, so instead of getting to the kitchen through there, she used the hallway. Beth was sitting at the table, the flashlight on her phone on and pointed toward the ceiling to light up the very small area. She was shoveling bite after bite of cereal into her mouth, staring at the box in front of her as if reading the label.

Approaching slowly, Mrs. S sat down beside her. Beth didn’t stop eating. She didn’t look over.

“Whatcha doin’, love?”

“Eating,” she mumbled through her mouthful.

Mrs. S nodded gently like that wasn’t the most obvious thing in the world.

“May I ask why?”

Beth paused with the spoon an inch away from her mouth to shrug. “Eating’s better than crying.”

She ate the bite and brought the spoon down to get some more, but with her rhythm and concentration broken, she let out a shaky sigh, dropping the spoon into the bowl. “I fucked up Mrs. S.”

“You’n Sarah. Two bloody peas in a pod, you are. Say one word to Alison’s she’ll be spillin’ her whole life story. For you two it’s like pullin’ teeth.”

The corners of Beth’s lips twitched up before she forced herself back to a neutral face. “It’s…it’s stupid, I mean Sarah’s dealin’ with the most complicated shit ever and I’m sitting here torn up at the fact that I…I think I’m gonna fail.”

She shook her head and balled her hands into fists on the tabletop.

“How sure are ya you’re gonna fail?”

Beth took a shaky breath. “I-I have to get an A on my final paper; she gave me an extension. S-she said I could e-mail it to her over Christmas break. I-I need an 98% on my Psych final just to get a D a-and a 96 in French. A 95 in Calc a-and a 98 in biology. I-I don’t…I…”

A few tears caught in her lashes before falling, and she bowed her head to try and hide it. Mrs. S didn’t say anything for a long time, just sitting and watching Beth tremble to try and keep from sobbing.

“Chicken, can I speak frankly?”

Beth looked up timidly, nodding a little. Mrs. S leaned forward, taking both Beth’s hands in her own. “I know for a fact that you speak French better than your teacher. So I don’t buy for a second you think you’re gonna fail that. I know that you see people’s motives better than your whole bloody generation. So I do not, buy for one second, that you think you’ll fail that.”

Beth’s lip trembled, but she didn’t look away.

“You have the best study tool at your disposal for Biology not twenty feet above your head sleepin’ like a rock. She may be blind as a bat but she’s in love with it and she’s good at explainin’ things. Even though you gotta worry about gettin’ your eye poked out when she’s excited.” Beth chuckled a little, though the sound was stained with her tears.

Mrs. S squeezed her hands. “And not to brag, but my Calculus skills aren’t so shabby. So can you please tell me what your real problem is before I have to tear it outta ya with my bare hands?”

Beth sniffled and looked down at their joined hands. “E-even if I do pass, I…I missed all the college apps.”

“What now?” Mrs. S asked, tilting her head.

“I-I just…I n-ever did it and it was the s-stupidest thing I’ve ever done a-and I just…I don’t…”

“Chicken, a year off isn’t gonna kill anything. You can always apply next year, or even for a spring semester—“

“ _What college is going to take a girl with five D’s her senior year?_ ”

She had yelled it and she hadn’t meant to. Behind them, Alison stirred, groaning a little. Beth closed her eyes in a grimace, praying she didn’t wake up, a few more tears falling. She felt bad. Mrs. S hadn’t done anything to deserve that.

“I-I’m sorry.”

Mrs. S just smiled and stroked her hands. “You’re scared, love, it’s only natural.” She paused, deciding to play Beth’s game. Because it was clear the girl was still holding back. “So, assumin’ no college takes you, what’s…your plan?”

Beth bit her lip. “I, uhh…I was thinking about joining the…police academy.”

Mrs. S’s eyebrows rose up in surprise. Not a judgmental kind, simply a genuinely shocked look. “Really?”

Beth nodded after a moment’s hesitation.

“Y’know there’s a psych evaluation, right love?”

The girl tried not to look surprised at Mrs. S’s knowledge of the subject, and Siobhan gave a small laugh. “Sarah wanted to be police for the longest time. Gettin’ a record ruined it, but…” she shrugged. “I know enough t’ know it’ll be tough on ya.”

“Yeah, I uhh, I know. And I obviously can’t finish all the courses to be an officer until I’m twenty one because of gun laws, but…” Beth knew she was babbling but she couldn’t help it. “But I could take all the courses to be a cadet and I could take classes at the community college a-and…”

She didn’t realize she was crying until she was being pulled in for a hug.

“It’ll be okay,” Mrs. S murmured. “I know it’s hard. When life goes a different path’n you thought. But you’re a smart girl, chicken. You’ll figure it out if you’ve got the right motive.”

Alison.

She could do it for Alison.

…

Eventually Beth had managed to slip back on the couch and fallen into a light sleep, only to have the light wake her up a few hours later.

She felt better, honestly. She felt less hopeless. Less…out of control.

She grumbled, stretching to find only a few of her limbs still had feeling in them. Opening her eyes, she had to grin at the sight of Alison wrapped around her, head buried against her chest, arm and leg flung over her in a tight embrace. She brought one arm up to stroke Alison’s hair, her eyes closing again.

Alison’s breath was steady and relaxing against the skin of her arm, and she found herself trying to match her own to the gentle rhythm. It was relaxing. It was…the most comfortable she’d felt in a long time.

She tucked hair behind Alison’s ear, running her fingers through that curve over and over. She wanted to give Alison a good life. A normal life and she was damn near sure the police academy was the only way to do it. She’d lost her chances at being a teacher. But she hadn’t lost her chances at a happy life, as she had feared.

Maybe a dream job wasn’t possible, but maybe she didn’t need it. Maybe she just needed the right person to spend it with. She kissed the top of Alison’s head.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“Of what?”

Her heart leapt. She thought Alison had been asleep.

“For failing you,” she said slowly. “I…I’m not gonna get into college, Ali.”

The admission was quiet. It barely disturbed the echoing silence of the room. A moment or two passed, and Alison fumbled to lift her head up, turning and putting her chin on Beth’s sternum, brow furrowed in a confused and sleepy look. “Is that why you freaked out over my letter?”

“Yeah,” Beth breathed, closing her eyes just for a second before looking right back into Alison’s eyes and running her fingers down her back. “I…that was really selfish of me and I’m sorry and—“

“Hey,” Alison mumbled sleepily. “Don’t ever worry about disappointing me. It’s…it’s not possible, Beth.”

She blinked a few times and the sleep cleared, and she managed to prop herself up on one elbow, using her free hand to brush her fingers under Beth’s chin. “I love  _you_. Not what you do or where you’ll end up. You should know that.”

Beth smiled sadly, nodding. “Yeah. I-I was just worried about what would happen if I couldn’t ever…support you, y’know? But I…don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

“Why’s that?” Alison tilted her head and leaned a little closer, running the back of her finger across Beth’s cheek.

Beth took a moment to collect herself, swallowing and looking into Alison’s sincere and trusting eyes.

“I, uhh…I’m gonna be a cop, Ali.”

Alison’s smile was small and her eyes were bright, but she didn’t make a big deal. She dipped her chin to kiss Beth softly, unable to control her smiles that broke out occasionally between kisses. Beth’s heart was skipping, but it wasn’t from fear anymore. She still couldn’t believe this girl loved her. And she loved remembering it every day.

“I’m proud of you,” Alison whispered, sitting up to straddle Beth and kiss her a little more firmly.

They were in an open room with no doors what were they doing no they shouldn’t do this. Fuck it.

Beth tried to prop herself up to get more of Alison against her, one hand sliding its way down her back, holding Alison’s hips down against hers. Her breaths were shallow and her fingers clung a little too tightly, but Beth didn’t care. And Alison didn’t mind either, kissing her deeply, fingers tangled in her hair.

It was warm blankets after coming inside from shoveling snow.

It was that exhale of relief in walking in the dark before the floodlight turns on.

It was that familiarity of someone’s smell embedded deep in their favorite sweater.

Beth didn’t even realize her hands had found the skin of Alison’s back until the girl on top of her shuddered a little, and she could only kiss her deeper.

“Oi, no shaggin’ with Felix around,” Mrs S. hollered as she descended the stairs, Sarah right behind.

The two broke apart in a jerking motion, Beth on her back, Alison still half-straddling her. Mrs. S raised her eyebrows at the innocent looks before continuing into the kitchen. Sarah tried not to snicker, padding over to the freezer and pulling out a breakfast sandwich.

“That’s the… _only_  requirement?” Alison asked, head tilting.

Beth covered her face with her hands, the flush in her cheeks turning from heated want to deep embarrassment. “Ali, no, we’re not talking about this—“

“I’m not daft, now am I?” Mrs. S said with a laugh. “I ain’t gettin’ in the way of it. I’d just like to  _pretend_  my youngest hasn’t been corrupted by this one over here.”

“Oi!” Sarah muttered through her bite of breakfast sandwich, now freshly microwaved. “I protect Fee from shite like that. An’ there’s a bloody  _reason_ I didn’t want those two shakin’ up in my room—“

Beth threw a pillow at her and Sarah laughed, putting her free hand up to protect her sandwich from it. “I’m just  _sayin_ ’, Childs. Christ, ya can’t take your hands off each other.”

Her eyes flitted downward and Beth’s gaze followed, realizing a second too late she had been stroking Alison’s thigh as they’d been speaking. She jerked it away, Sarah throwing a smug smirk her way before sitting back in line with the table, back to the pair.

Alison tried not to appear too proud of this revelation as she pecked Beth once more on the lips before slipping off the couch to get breakfast.


	49. Chapter 49

The longer she stared at the application, the more overwhelmed Beth began to feel.

She sighed, running a hand through her hair and then leaving it there, fingers knotted at her skull. The application went on for pages, and every time she tried reading it her eyes went out of focus and her brain shut off because it was just…

Too much.

“Hey,” Alison’s voice said gently as she approached from behind. Beth inhaled sharply and shifted a bit to show she was aware of the other girl’s presence. “Whatcha up to?”

Alison trailed her hand along Beth’s back, letting it come to rest just between her shoulder blades as she looked at the papers over Beth’s head.

“Applying to the police academy,” Beth answered, twirling the pen in her hand. “Or, trying to, at least.”

“It’s giving you trouble?” Alison asked, voice soft.

“Yea,” laughed Beth. “Puttin’ up one hell of a fight.”

Alison clicked her tongue and took the seat beside Beth at the kitchen table. She reached over and claimed the pen, sliding the paper to rest in front of herself. “No need to be smart.”

“I’m being totally fuckin’ serious,” Beth said with another low chuckle. “It’s kickin’ my ass. I’ll never make it in the academy. I can’t even finish the app!”

She kept her tone light, but the undertones of what she was saying were serious. Did she really have what it took to be a cop? Everyone else seemed to think so, but she wasn’t too sure.

“Hush,” said Alison distractedly, most of her concentration focused on the document at hand. “You’ll be the best damn cop they’ve ever seen.”

It was so honest, so assured, that for a moment Beth had no other choice but to believe her.

Something in her chest began to warm. It was a strange feeling. She’d been used to feeling cold for so long.

She realized, with a small start, that it was love.

She loved Alison Hendrix. And, while that was no real surprise, this was her first time feeling it with this strength.

This conviction.

She reached out to grab Alison’s busy hand as it checked boxes and filled lines, stilling it effectively. Alison looked up.

“I love you,” Beth said in her most serious voice.

Alison just smiled, a look of pure devotion on her face.

She didn’t answer.

She didn’t have to.

The kiss she placed on Beth’s hairline said it all.

–

Cosima sat out on the front steps in her jacket and gloves.

It was getting too cold to just hang around outside anymore, but she found she didn’t really care because the cold outside was enough to keep her from feeling the cold inside.

She lit up, taking off one glove to hold the blunt between her lips. Mrs. S wouldn’t be home for hours, but she didn’t think the woman minded so long as it wasn’t done in the house, anyway.

But no matter how much she smoked, it still hurt. From her teeth to her heels she ached, and she knew the reason why but she couldn’t bring herself to talk about it for fear of breaking so instead she sat out in the cold and smoked until she couldn’t feel her face anymore.

“Shit,” she exhaled, smoke clinging to the word. She coughed a little. Took another hit.

Her phone rang.

Startled, Cosima let the blunt dangle from her lips so she could dig her phone out of her pocket.

“Hello?” she grunted, phone in one hand, joint in the other.

“Cosima?”

Her heart began to pound immediately at the sound of Delphine’s broken voice. “Delphine, hey. What… what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing, I just…” there was a pause as Delphine swallowed her tears. “It’s silly. I just… wanted to hear your voice.”

“That’s not silly. Are you ok?” Cosima furrowed her brow in concern.

“No,” Delphine choked. “I miss you.”

Cosima sighed so heavily she thought the weight of it might break the stair beneath her. She put out the joint against the snow beside her, no longer desiring it, and pushed her hand up under her glasses to cover her eyes.

“I miss you too,” she said quietly, lip trembling.

A sob forced its way through the static, and Cosima clenched her jaw hard at the sound. It was like someone was tearing her muscles out, one by one.

She couldn’t bear it.

“Cherie,” she breathed, Delphine’s favorite endearment rolling off her tongue with surprising ease.

They were quiet after that, each just listening to the other’s breath.

“I’ll be there in the summer,” Cosima finally said, pulling her hand from her eyes with a mighty sniff. “And then we can have reunion sex.”

“Cosima!” the other girl sputtered, trying to sound affronted.

“Sorry,” Cosima laughed. “I am kinda high right now.”

Delphine laughed outright then.

“You are a silly, silly girl,” said Delphine, and Cosima could hear the smile in her voice.

She’d make it to the summer even if it killed her, just so she could see that beautiful smile again.

–

Another midnight came restless and worrisome for Siobhan, and so she sighed, deciding to check on the girls to settle her mind once and for all.

She walked with sock-covered feet down the stairs, hoping she wasn’t going to find another depressed teenager in her kitchen shovelling cereal into their mouth.

And she didn’t.

What she found instead was so much better.

They were all tangled together on the floor in a mess of blankets and pillows. Alison and Beth were on their sides, Alison pressed against Beth’s back. Cosima laid on her back beside Beth, and one of Beth’s arms was thrown haphazardly over Cosima’s waist. Sarah was sprawled beside her, one hand outstretched to touch Cosima’s arm, the other grasping Helena’s hand.

Siobhan smiled, her mind at ease.

They would be ok.

They had each other.


	50. Epilogue

“Hey, Manning! Manning, wait up!”

Sarah slowed her fast walk (turning more and more into a waddle every day) to let Paul catch up with her. 

“Hey, man, what’s up?”

“Nothin’. Just wanted to say hey. See if you had a good day. Fuck up anybody who kept you from having a good day. Y'know. The usual.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Still tryin’ to make up for bein’ a douche?”

“Hey,” he laughed. “I thought we agreed you were being a bitch too.”

Sarah smirked and tapped her fingers once to her forehead. “Yeah. Forgot. I must’ve been on somefin’ to admit that to ya.”

He smirked back. “I’m glad you did.”

“Yeah, uhh, me too.”

She looked down and then back up.

“Have a good week?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Spring sucks, though man. It’s like we’re done but we’re not allowed to leave yet.”

“Yeah, man, that’s exactly it.” She laughed a little.

“Hey, wait, you still livin’ at S’s?”

Sarah looked over at him, brow furrowed. “Yeah. Why?”

He shrugged. “Nothing. It’s just, you’re eighteen now, right? You used to say the second you could you’d be outta there.”

He was right. She had said that. For the longest time. Every day she had wanted to leave and every day she counted was one more day closer to her getting her freedom.

It surprised her. Well, until the little devil in her kicked. Even so. She smiled to herself, holding her backpack straps tighter to keep from feeling her stomach.

“Things change,” she said simply.

Paul knew about her, about the baby. It had been more of an…accidental revelation than anything else during one of their make (out) upsessions in the girls’ bathroom. His hands had wandered a bit too far down and a little too far forward and she had had quite the speech to give after that.

Instead of running, though, he’d actually been a surprising gentleman. Or, well…as gentlemanly as a snarky and sarcastic asshole of a teenager could’ve been.

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

She blinked, looking over to him. “Yeah, wha’?”

“Wanna go to prom with me?”

Her brow twitched down in confusion. “You’re bloody jokin’ right?” She laughed a little in disbelief. “Like this?”

She gestured down to her stomach. “I’d be a bloody balloon by the time June came ‘round. Wouldn’t be able to do much other than stand around lookin’ like a bloody idiot-”

He waved his hand casually. “Yeah, no, I totally get it.”

She could see by the way he rubbed the back of his neck that she’d fucked up.

“But I wouldn’t say no to an all-nighter of Call of Duty an’ enough junk food to knock a grown man out cold.” She grinned. “Might even wear somefin’ nice for ya”

He looked at her confused for a minute before grinning a little. “Yeah?”

Sarah nodded. “Yeah. It’ll be bloody hilarious to see how drunk Alison 'n’ Beth’ll be when they come stumblin’ through the door.”

They both laughed, falling into silence. She rolled her shoulders. “Tha’s the closest to a yes I can give ya.”

He put his hands in his pockets, clearly trying not to smile. “I’ll take it.”

…

Mrs. S opened her door, stepping into the darkness, and more importantly, the silence. She took a deep breath in, letting the quiet ring in her ears for a moment before shedding her raincoat and turning on the lights.

Her girls had lives.

They’d survived the chaos of the winter.

She set her things down and got to work cleaning up for a little, straightening Alison and Beth’s bed-like setup on the couch among other things. When four rolled around, though, she went to the kitchen, ready for the garbage disposals she had for kids to arrive.

Felix was first, clambering through the door with his backpack that probably weighed more than him at this point.

“Oi, oi, Mrs. S!” he called with a smile.

She shook away her shock to answer. “Oi, oi. What’s got you so chipper?”

He gave her an innocent look. “Wha’? You’re bloody mental.”

And with that he trudged noisily up the stairs to his room.

She could hear the scraping of skateboard wheels before the front door, and she already had a sandwich made to shove at the girl as she walked through the door. "Someone’s finally putting some meat on her bones, I see.“ She took Helena’s arm between her thumb and pointer finger, inspecting the width before releasing her hand offering the food.

Helena nodded, accepting the sandwich and tossing her board to the side. Mrs. S raised her eyebrows. Helena’s look was immediately apologetic. "Sorry.” She picked it up and placed it neatly by the front door, turning to look hopefully at the woman.

Mrs. S sighed. That goddamn puppy dog look was worse than Sarah’s sometimes. “Yes, alright, thank you,” she dismissed. “Have a good day at school, chicken?”

Nodding through her mouthful, Helena flopped down on the couch. “Yes. I did vell on a quiz. And after school Maggie helped me with tricks. She is very good at skateboarding.”

She paused, chewing thoughtfully.

“She is a beast.”

“Hey, look at tha’. She got a slang word right,” Felix laughed as he came back downstairs from his room.

“Felix,” Mrs. S chastised. 

He just smirked. “She knows I’m jokin’, right Helena?”

“Yes.”

“Well  _I_ for one am very glad you found a friend beyond Sarah’s group,” Mrs. S said.

Helena smiled to herself as she continued eating, Felix going to sit beside her.

“Sharesies?” He looked at her sandwich, and she did the same, an almost pout on her face.

“Oi. Boy who eats like a truck driver,” Mrs. S called. “I gotcha your own right here.”

She waved it and he grinned. “Oh thanks.”

The three of them ate in silence for a little; eventually Helena finished and opened her backpack for study materials.

Alison was next to come through the door, humming, her step a little lighter than usual. 

“Hello,” she said, smiling and kicking her shoes off.

Felix looked up from his sketch. “Hey. Musical rehearsal?”

“Mhm. It went surprisingly well. We only had to do the men’s introduction sequence about twelve times.”

“Really?” Felix sat up a little. “Tha’s bloody better than the thirty you had to do for the Act One finale. You weren’t even home until eleven.”

Alison nodded. “Yes. It was a rather short night, luckily, though it’s still stuck in my head.”

His eyes lit up. “Which one? I’ve, uhh, sorta been practicin’ from the book you got me?”

She smiled a little. “It's  _that_  one.”

He tried not to look to excited. “You’ve been doin’ it all day. You’ve gotta be sick of it-”

“Anything for my Felix,” she laughed.

He jumped to his feet and ran to the piano, opening the sheet music and finding the right page. The first dramatic notes had Alison grinning, watching as Felix did his best to play the complicated rhythm, followed by the dramatic run.

She walked forward, gripping the edge of the piano and leaning dramatically forward to be in line with Felix, lowering her pitch much lower than necessary. “ _I work all night I work all day to pay the bills I have to pay.”_

“ _Ain’t it sad_ ,” Felix managed to sing through his laughter at Alison’s exaggerations.

“ _And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me_.” She turned around, back against the piano, putting her hand dramatically to her heart. She almost couldn’t stop the laughter.

“ _That’s too bad,”_  Felix giggled out.

Mrs. S approached, putting her hand between Felix’s shoulder blades.

“ _In my dreams, I have a plan, if I got me a wealthy man_ ,” she cut in, eyes flashing a smirk at Alison, who quickly joined in. “ _I wouldn’t have to work at all I’d fool around and have a ball_.”

Helena watched on, head tilted in confusion. Why was everyone singing?

“ _Money, money, money_ ,” they belted together, faces serious, gestures overly serious, though all were about to collapse, “ _must be funny, in a rich man’s world._ ” Mrs. S and Alison grabbed hands, singing at each other before turning back to the piano. “ _Money, money, money, always sunny, in a rich man’s world._ ”

Alison took the lead, belting out the run that followed, at which point Felix cracked, his fingers slipping from the keys only to drop his head to them in a clash of notes. Mrs. S and Alison followed, dropping down onto the piano bench, almost in tears they were laughing so hard.

“Ohhh,” Mrs. S breathed, a chuckle hiccuping the sound. “I haven’t sang like that in a long while.”

They had been so preoccupied that they hadn’t heard the front door open.

“What th’ bloody hell’ve I stumbled into?” Sarah asked, eyes wide as she watched them compose themselves.

Mrs. S waved her off. “Nothin’, love. C'mon, sit down, I’m sure you’ve had a long day.”

Sarah didn’t argue, letting herself be led to an armchair. “I, uhh, I 'fink I gotta name I like.”

“Do tell,” Mrs. S said. “Ya haven’t even given me one bloody clue as to what you wanted.”

Sarah shrugged. “I dunno. I didn’t really like anyfin’ until now. Uhh, what’d ya think about Kira?”

Mrs. S’s lips already tugged up in a smile. “I think it’s beautiful, chicken.”

A hopeful smile flickered on Sarah’s face before she shoved it away stoicly. “Good. I like it. An’ KSM are some pretty badass initials.”

Mrs. S’s mouth dropped open before she could help it, and everyone pretended the sentimentality wasn’t there. Lucky enough, Beth came storming through the door to interrupt.

“Someone please tell me there is vast amounts of starch within reach,” she groaned, dropping her backpack by the door and shuffling in.

“I’ll get you something,” Alison said, standing from her spot on the piano bench to go for the kitchen.

Beth shook her head. “No, no, no, c'mere,” she waved toward herself.

Alison followed the instruction, padding over, only to have Beth pull her in for a lingering kiss.

Siobhan raised her eyebrows. “So I take it the first test went well?”

Beth nodded when she came up for air away from Alison’s lips, draping an arm over Alison’s shoulders and leaning her weight tiredly against her. “Yeah. I totally killed it. Fastest mile a women’s ever run for 'em.”

Sarah grinned. “That’s the way to do it, Childs.”

Beth smirked. “Yeah, thanks.” She kissed Alison’s cheek again. “I’m excited to get through the rest of the processing. See if they’ll let me in.”

“There’s no chance in hell ya won’t do it, love,” Mrs. S assured.

Alison nodded, wrapping her arm around Beth’s waist and snuggling into her. “Exactly.”

They all turned when the door opened again to show a very tired Cosima shuffle in. She waved to them with her free hand, the other one holding her phone to her ear. “Yeah, it was totes awesome they had these different transitional fossils there to compare,” she mumbled, heading right for the kitchen.

Sarah smirked at her, rubbing her now fairly prominent stomach. “She’s such a dork.”

Cosima rolled her eyes. “I can hear you, y'know. Here. She wants to say hey.” The girl dropped her phone to the counter, turning it on speaker.

“ _HEYYY_ ,” they all shouted.

Delphine laughed. “Bonsoir tout le monde. How is Sarah doing?”

“She’s not a hippo yet,” Cosima joked.

“ _Oi_ ,” Sarah laughed, “She didn’t ask how I bloody looked, she asked how I was.”

Cosima paused, considering. “She’s not a hippo yet,” she repeated.

Sarah tried not to laugh, rolling her eyes and sinking down in her seat. “Yeah, wha'ever.”

Beth approached the kitchen, looking to Cosima for permission to speak. Cosima nodded once, Beth’s face lightening.

“Salut,” she said as she dug through the fridge. “Ça va?”

“Ouais, ouais Beth, ça va. Euh, j'étudie pour le bac, alors…un peu nerveuse.”

Beth nodded a little, kicking the fridge door shut, arms full of food. “Bien sûr, mais tu vas bien faire.”

“Tais-toi.”

Laughing Beth shrugged. “I’ll see ya later, Delphine. Good luck.”

“Merci. Yes, I will be seeing you.”

Cosima took the phone back into her hand and turned the speaker back off, Beth dropping the load of food onto the coffee table and dropping down on the ground.

“Anyone else frickin’ exhausted?” she asked, shoving her thumb through the skin of an orange and peeling it open.

They all nodded in unison. “It’s been quite a long day,” Alison agreed, scooting up next to her.

“I thought it was alrigh’,” Felix chimed in.

Sarah snickered. “Yeah. You got to see  _Colin_ after school, didn’t ya?”

“Oi, shut your mouth, Sarah,” he snapped.

She smirked and raised her eyebrows up. “He’s cute.”

“So  _what_ ,” he tried to protest.

“Smart, too,” Beth added.

Felix tried to look away to hide his blush.

“An’ why’m I just hearin’ about this Colin now?” Mrs. S asked, putting her hands on her hips.

Felix shrugged. “I dunno. Didn’t seem important.”

Sarah chuckled again. “Yeah. I’m sure he’s dyin’ to tell S about his first boyfriend.”

Mrs. S threw a look at Sarah. “Alright, leave him alone.”

“Yeah, yeah. Fee can handle it.”

Mrs. S gave a skeptical nod before reaching over Beth’s head to snatch up some food. “Now if you all would stop shovin’ your faces full, I was  _going_  to make dinner.”

They all looked up. Even Cosima. “Uhh, Delphine, I gotta go. Okay? Yeah, love you, bye.”

She hung up. “What’d you need us to do?” She asked, pushing her glasses up in anticipation.

And that’s what they did for the next half an hour, running about the packed kitchen doing little things to move dinner along for Mrs. S. Mostly they just got in the way and threw food at each other, but the laughter was more than enough for Mrs. S not to care.

They were out of the woods. They were in the clear, and she didn’t know if she’d ever felt so hopeful for so many lives in all her life.


End file.
